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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle with ears so clean and pillow so fluffy... > > Why do birds suddenly appear...every time...you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...cuz I like to be, close to you. } } It could also be that I'm a couple million years old, my } flesh is starting to rot, and these damn birds are } circling me where ever I go.  THEY WON'T STOP! } CIRCLING, CIRCLING, EVER SO NEAR, THEY WILL NOT LEAVE!!! } SO CLOSE THEY COME.  ALL THE TIME.  IF I REST FOR } A SECOND PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK } PECK PECK PECK PECK PECK AT MY TOES, MY ANKLES, } MY LEGS, THE VERY FLESH OF MY HOLINESS } PICKING PICKING PICKING EATING AT MY SOUL!!!!! } } ...errr, uh, was that out loud?  Well, anyway, } yes, I love being close to you.  You owe me } a .22 rifle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I AM SUPPERIOR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi Superior.  I'm the Oracle. } } What are you doing playing with the spray can?  It says "only use in } well ventilated areas"... read the directions, and put that lighter... } on second thought, keep the lighter. } } You owe the Oracle censored episodes of Beavis and Butt-head

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Where does a circle start?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, um, yes, I believe it IS time we had this little talk, little } mortal.  Now sit right down on Orrie's lap and listen carefully. } } You see, when a Mommy polygon and a Daddy polygon love one another } very very much, there's a special way they have of showing how they } care for one another.  I don't mean going on vacation, at least not } exactly, and I don't mean having a nice family meal together.  That } is, not literally. } } It's like this, when Daddy polygon sees Mommy polygon there all nice } and pretty like, he gets this feeling like all his corners are all } tingly sort of.  And something like that for Mommy polygon too, though } different.  Then they, they just sort of, well, get together in this } particular way I can't describe right now.  Intersecting, do you know } what I mean?  No?...well it doesn't matter anyway. } } Then, a little later, Mommy polygon gets this kind of bulge in one } edge like you've seen sometimes.  And then it gets bigger and bigger } until before you know it, you have a brand new circle.  And that's } where they come from. } } If you have any other questions like that, you can ... ask Lisa ... } } You owe the Oracle a very round stork.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise Oracle, > > What does the following phrase mean? > > "thus spake the Oracle" > > Specifically what does it mean to "spake"?  Is it only the Oracle who > can "spake" or can I learn how to too? > > Sincerely, >       Your humble, confused supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, "spake" is simply an archaic past tense form of the verb, } used by the Oracle to evoke more respect than he really deserves. } The correct conjugation of this verb is: "I spike", "I spake", "I have } spoke", and your phrase "thus spake the Oracle" would be translated to } modern English as "thus spiked the Oracle". } } The spike referred to, of course, is a quick jump on a heart rate } monitor, skin conductivity meter, voice stress analyzer, etc. } } You can try your hand at it too. Find your nearest French security } official and with a heavy Libyan accent demand to see Carlos. } } The Orackle hast spoke.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondorous Oracle, who can talk AND drink water out of a cup at the > same time, please answer my humble question: > > How does gravity work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Gravity, oh, Gravity! }      A symbol of depravity! }      Just every subtle mortal sin }      Invisibly it draws you in! }      Though you stand against it strong }      You weary and you fail ere long. }      Our spirits wish to soar through space: }      It holds us dismally in place. }      We wish to rise: cannot!  Oh, Fate! }      Our flight is curved, and never straight! }      What demon curse condemns us so? }      What engineering from Below? }      How does this Fiendish grav'ty work? }      Who cares?  *I* float.  You mortal jerk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think I should stay at work or go away to college? Most of my > friends are graduating this coming fall and stress is killing me, > but I love my job and I make good money.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should go to college. This will let you join an elite computer } network known as Usenet. Everybody who is anybody hangs out on Usenet, } and all of the discussion is of very high quality. You will find that } your .edu sitename, coupled with your freshman acount, will be greatly } respected by the Usenet population. Mere monetary awards pale in } comparison. } } You owe the Oracle a complete 1-year archive of alt.binaries.*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great oracle,how is it going to be with my trip at vegas on > 08/27/94.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Day one: You arrive at Vegas. Blow $223.25 on quarter slot machines. } Decide roulette is too complex. Watch floor show at 11:30. Get to bed } at 1:30 AM. Alone. } } Day two: Wake up at 10:00. Headache. Lose $121.75 on slot machines. } Watch roulette for ten minutes. Buy a five dollar chip, and place it on } 23. Lose it. Decide to eat lunch. Lose it. Retire to your room for the } afternoon. Go back down to roulette. Croupier tells you that you can } see a free class about roulette at 6:00 PM. You go to the free class, } and learn how to place a four-way bet that pays off eight-to-one. You } go back to the roulette tables and buy $200 worth of $5 chips. Lose } them. Get to bed at 2:45 AM. Alone. } } Day three: Wake up at 11:45. Go back to sleep. } } Day four: Or is this day three? What day is this? Is that 7:30 AM or } PM? Well, the sun is up. After watching for a while, you realize that } the sun is setting. After a bit of thought you realize that the time is } now 8:15 PM. You decide to go downstairs and try a game of craps. You } lose. You know now why the game is called that. Since you don't feel } sleepy, you try to find a show to watch, but the best you can find is } Nicolas Cage in an Elvis costume. You go to bed at 4:15 AM. With Elvis. } } Day five: A phone call from work reminds you that your flight was to } have left yesterday. You go home. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Vegas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me where Republicans come from.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suburban dung beetles construct them underground, and they } surface through the grounds of country clubs and golf courses.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Question..... > > Could you call James Hetfield a "Metallicum"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: Backstage after a Metallica concert. Roadies and bandmembers, } groupies and the Oracle are all present. The Oracle got a backstage } pass by giving one of the roadies $125 and a bottle of Champagne. } } Groupie: "So, how do you come up with your ideas for songs?" } } Roadie: "Um, well, I just, you know, wait until I think of something } and then I sing it. You know, like if I'm shaving or something, I try } singing it but I have to wait until I stop shaving to actually move my } mouth or anything. Do you want some Champagne?" } } Groupie: "Hey, you're not part of the band! You're just a roadie!" She } leaves. } } Roadie: "Bummer." } } Oracle: "James Hetfield is a Metallicum." } } Three roadies and two band members beat the Oracle up. Presently the } Oracle is dumped outside the back door. } } The answer seems to be "Yes, but it'll cost you." } } You owe the Oracle $125 and a bottle of Champagne.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why I can't get more than 80 or less than 50 in every exam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem of exam marks is one which has troubled many people. In } your case, the inability to get marks outside the range 50-80 is one of } three things: } } 1) You are doing the wrong exams. For a mark of less than 50 try } sitting a paper about which you know nothing. 'Quantum Field Theory' is } a good example, however may prove difficult to mark since the examiner } is likely to know even less. To get a mark above 80, it would be a good } idea to sit a paper about spelling, with questions along the lines of: }   Q 47:  Spell 'ORACLE'  (7 marks) } Incidently, a good way to ensure high marks in this type of exam is to } rewrite the question and do not try to give an answer. The examiner } will get so confused that he/she will award you full marks. } } 2) The marking scheme is biased. It is easy to test this case. Go into } your next exam and write 'I am a fish' on each line of your answer } book, thgen get up and leave. If you more than 50 marks (or less than } 80 if it's a psychology exam) then this is the case. } } 3) You know more than the examiner. If this is the case then much of } what you write will be too complicated for the examiner to understand, } and in the age old tradition of marking exams, if there's a query, it's } wrong. Examiners rarely know anything about the subject they are } marking, so if you haven't got time to sit the 'Quantum Field Theory' } yourself, ask him! } } You owe the oracle a mark in the range 50-80 } Physics paper II, Economics Dept, Room 120, Saturday 9:30