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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the fates give us ToeJam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question. I did some research just moments ago to find out what } was really going on behind the scenes at Fates, Inc., to get to the } bottom of this growing ToeJam distribution scandal. I started by } calling their main consumer relations line at 1-800-OH-WHY-ME. Here's a } transcript of that conversation. } } Receptionist: Fates, Inc., how can I help you? } } Oracle: Yes, I'm calling about ToeJam. Why is there ToeJam? } } Receptionist: One moment, please.... } } <I was on hold for 18 minutes at this point> } } Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir but I cannot answer that question right }       now. If you'd like, you can write a letter to our Fates Worse }       Than Death Department at -- } } Oracle: No, that won't do. May I speak with your supervisor? } } Receptionist: Sir, my supervisor won't be able to help you either. } } Oracle: Well, who can then? I want an answer to my question now! } } Receptionist: Our hours are from 8-5, Monday through Friday. Please }       call anytime with questions or comments about Fates, Inc. Thank }       you, and have a nice day, unless of course it just isn't in the }       cards for you. } } Oracle: Harumph. Jerk. } } I wasn't finished. Fates, Inc. may be able to get away with the } brush-off on the phone, but they were going to have to work a lot } harder when I took a camera crew with me to their Headquarters in } Kansas City, Kansas. As we approached the building we could already see } the guards mobilizing. I was undaunted. } } Oracle: (To camera operator) Let's go. } } Camera: <sarcastically> Oh, sure, Orrie, let's get the "scoop on }       ToeJam." } } Oracle: Hey - this is important. Someone wants to know. } } Camera: Yeah, sounds like that "someone" needs to get a life. } } <walking up steps, now face-to-face with security guard> } } Guard: I'm sorry, but this building is closed to the public. } } Oracle: I'd like to speak with the president of Fates, Inc. I'm the }       Ora...er, I mean, I'm Mike Wallace, yeah, that's it! I'm Mike }       Wallace, and if you don't let me in I'm going to blow this ToeJam }       thing *wide open* on my show. } } Guard: Ewwwww, that's gross. Fine, you win. Right this way, Mr. }       Wallace. } } Oracle: (to camera, whispering) Pretty clever, huh? } } Camera: Lame is more like it. What next, are you gonna say you're }       Brenda Starr? } } We finally reached the president of Fates, Inc. This mysterious } character had eluded the eyes of everyone until this moment. Finally, I } was going to get to the bottom of this. The secretary walked me to the } door, and opened it, and there I beheld, } } Oracle: I don't believe it!! Dick Clark?! } } DC: Hello! Please, come on in. Have a seat. } } Oracle: <taking seat>....Wow. I just want to tell you I think you look }       great! } } DC. Thank you. } } Oracle: So Mr. Clark, why is there ToeJam? } } DC: Let me tell you something, Mike, if I could only -- } } Oracle: Oh, uh, actually I'm the Usenet Oracle. I just told the guard I }       was Mike Wallace so I could get in here. } } DC: I see. So you're already immortal? } } Oracle: That's right. And omniscient. Mostly omniscient. } } DC: Great, then I don't mind telling you about ToeJam. As a fellow }       immortal, I'm sure you enjoy and - } } Oracle: Wait, what do you mean, "fellow" immortal?? } } DC: I'm immortal too! See, I have discovered the secret to immortality. }       ToeJam!! Lots and lots of ToeJam! As long as I keep smothering it }       on my face, on my chest, all over my body, I will stay young and }       healthy looking forever. } } Oracle: Wow. Sooooo, I guess you just throw hygiene out the window, }       right? } } DC: Not at all! I let others' filthy habits produce the ToeJam I need, }       and with the help of the ToeJam Fairy, I collect it all for my }       own purposes. Of course, I tell the TJF to leave some for the }       people I collect it from, and apparently, most of time, they }       don't even notice any missing. If only they knew that they held }       the secret to eternal life in the scum on their feet..... } } Oracle: <agape> You know, even *I* didn't know about the ToeJam Fairy. } } So there you have it, Supplicant. If I were you, I'd get that ToeJam of } yours and start applying it vigorously all over myself - don't waste } another minute. Fortunately for me, I'm already immortal. And } omniscient. Mostly omniscient. } } You owe the Oracle a 12-pack of Mr. Bubble and a rubber ducky.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was fish swimming upside down this morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you understood the fish better you would know that they are on a } political strike to better their living conditions on Wednesdays. } } For instance, have you let the fish watch Baywatch lately?  Have you } even given them a screening of Jaws? } } If you are going to entertain the fish more, don't do the common } blunder of showing them "A Fish Called Wanda" because it has got some } very strong scenes in it. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of fish sticks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondiferous Oracle, whose mere nose twitch could shake the > foundations of the Earth, please help me! > > At my children's elementary school an overactive morality group > has just submitted a list of banned books and tapes.  On the list > of obscene material I found they listed all of my favorite "Woody > Woodpecker" videos. What kind of drugs are these people on anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } As you will no doubt be aware, #### ##### ## #### the ##### # ###. } #### ### ###, ### ###### ###. %%%%%% %%% %%%%%%%%%ing, but I doubt } #### ###### ######; instead, @@@@@@ @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@. } } Bear in mind that Galileo's book was taken off the Index of banned } books only last year. Of course, in #### case, **** ********** **** } *** woody wood######. #### ############ ####### ####### movies, ##### } ######. #### Jane Austen was ########## when she first pub###### her } work, not to mention D. H. @@@@@@@@. } } The Oracle will not tolerate any further %%%%%%%%%%%%%%! } } You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors, to help Lisa ####### the lurid } details of her latest film, "Woody Wood###### and Lisa ######### at } #######".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, hunter of the hunted, chaser of the chased, scrivener > of the scrivened, please help me.... > > I have been trying for ages to catch this one darn bird.  Now, you > wouldn't think that it would be such a difficult task, me being a > super-genius and all, but my plans all somehow seem to go awry.  I've > tried just about every method that I could think of, including > butterfly nets, giant slingshots, explosives, rocket sleds, and > various other products from the ACME catalog.  I've even tried > painting a picture of a road onto the side of a cliff.  But no matter > what I try, I always end up being burnt, twisted, stretched, crumpled, > folded, run over, or dropped from a great height.  And the bird keeps > mocking me, mocking me, with its incessant "beep beep."  What should > I do? > > Sincerely yours, > W. E. Coyote

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker of wisdom and birds, your task is to spend three fractions of } a year studying with your local Unix users group, and pick up a few } tips about hacking your way into the AcmeNet.com public unix system.  I } am certain with your intellectual abilities will know what to do then. } Here's why: } } --------Begin Included Message-------- } [header deleted] } Oh Oracle Most Wise, Protector of the Pursued, } } I extend to you my deepest thanks for the tips on how to avoid } destruction by rocket sled.  However, it seems the one who pursues me } has come up with a new plan, and is constructing something from a giant } Y-shaped piece of wood and a large strip of rubber.  Tell me, what is } the purpose of this device and how can I make good my escape once } again? } } Yours, } } [name deleted to protect the anonymity of the writer] } --------End Included Message-------- } } You owe the Oracle your Acme frequent purchaser rebates for this } partial breach of confidentiality.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, answer my prayer: > > I have noted that, when I am waiting for some kind of long-distance > social contact, such as a telephone call or a visitor arriving from a > far away place, the contact inevitably arrives during the few minutes > in which it takes me to "use the facility". Indeed, I have found that > when I am bored at home, I can induce the telephone to ring simple my > entering the bathroom and shutting the door. > > What are the physical laws and principles that govern this phenomenon, > how are they related to the truism that a "watched pot (potty?) never > boils", and could this phenomenon be harnessed as an alternative energy > source in an age of dwindling fossil fuels? > > In worshipfullness, > > Questioner

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! You have independantly discovered a law of nature known as Hirsch's } Law, to wit: } }         Hirsch's Law:  The probability of a vital communica- }                 tion arriving at a particular time is }                 inversely proportional to the convenience }                 of the time. } } Which is usually expressed as the formula P-sub-t equals k over } C-sub-t. Some other laws that might come in handy are these: } }         Schick's Law:  The probability of cutting yourself }                 while shaving is directly proportional to }                 the importance of the job interview. } }         Maxwell's Law:  The probability of hitting your }                 thumb with the hammer is proportional to }                 the square root of the weight of the }                 hammer. } }         Hoover's Law:  A break in an important case will }                 be most likely to occur when your nail }                 polish is still wet. } }         Kennedy's Law:  The chance of your car driving into }                 the river is proportional to the attract- }                 iveness of the secretary in the passenger }                 seat. } }         North's Law:  Inconsistancies in your testimony can }                 be overcome by shredding enough documen- }                 tation in advance. } } Alas, your hopes for generating energy through this quirk of nature are } doomed by the following law: } }         Blair's Law:  Energy generated from waiting for }                 a telephone call during a call of nature }                 will be less than the amount of energy }                 expended in fulfilling the call of nature. } } You owe the Oracle a parcel delivery service that tries the doorbell } again ten minutes later.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is not a self-referential sentence. > This sentence contains seven words. > This sentence starts with the letter Q. > This Question will be chosen for the Oracularities. > This isn't a question anyway, is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not a crude and abusive answer. } This answer is not overly long. } This answer does not needlessly quote the question. } This answer nevertheless is not bloody likely to make the Oracularities. } At least it's not another question. } } You owe the Oracle a question so obscene that it'll squick the entire } *&%$ priesthood.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this about Clinton calling the White House the "peoples' house" > doing "the people's business" and saying the White House has never been > damaged (as if it wasn't burnt to the ground by British troops during > the War of 1812).  Has Clinton hired all the unemployed ex-Soviet > speecwriters?  What's the deal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The War of 1812 was fought for five years from 1813 to 1816 between the } US and British forces of the South against Canadian and French forces } from the North. For this reason, it is sometimes called the } Spanish-American war. } } The war began after the British sinking of the battleship _Maine_, } which had been quietly minding its own business when the British snuck } up to where it was berthed in Pearl Harbor, Cuba and torpedoed it. In } response, naval commander Oliver Hazard Perry, who had been on shore } leave at the time, led the charge into Canada with the famous words, } "We have met the enemy, and they are us." } } British forces assisted the Canadians in pushing American troops back, } further and further south. As American control of the battle weakened, } it was no surprise that King George ordered that the White House should } be burned, along with the rest of Atlanta. Fortunately, cameras } recorded the burning and it remains one of the most-discussed scenes in } cinema today. } } The greatest victory for the Americans in this war was, ironically, } fought two weeks after the peace treaty had been signed at Appomattox } Court House. This was when the _Monitor_ and the _Merrimack_ sunk each } other, convincing both sides that it is too easy to sink ships whose } names begin with "M". } } Although the White House had been completely destroyed in the fire, it } was rebuilt after the war. The new construction included a security } system that is the most advanced in the world, although it offers no } defenses against falling airplanes. In fact, the current president, } William Madison Clinton says "Drop in anytime! This is the People's } House!" } } I hope this is all clear for you now. If you have further questions, } don't hesitate to ask. } } You owe the Oracle a new edition of Daniel Webster's "Oxford English } Dictionary".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was:

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh racle > how do you prove the Final-value Theorem, > > i.e.    lim   f(t)  =  lim  sF(s) >        t->inf          s->0

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The Final-value theorem has caused much consternation among } students throughout the ages, because most calculus professors refuse } to discuss the actual origin of the Theorem. You will notice that we } are calculating limits, more specifically, Visa credit card limits. } }         lim f(t) = lim sF(s) }             t->inf     s->0 } }         This equation calculates how much you pay each month as your } credit line (t) approaches infinity, and your minimum payment (s) } approaches nothing. This is the equation that allows the bank to } generate vast sums by allowing you to overstretch your income, charging } really cool stuff, and paying over time. }         Escape while you can! Pay cash!! } } You owe the Oracle $488 to cover his AmEx bill.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If moths are attracted to light, why do they not fly towards the sun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where do you think moths go during the day?