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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Sceptical Mr. Dirac, > What happens to physicists when they die and go to Hell? > > Yours,  R.F. > > P.S. You owe me that coffee! ;-) > > [Richard, stop fooling around with my mail server! -Albert]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Satan stopped accepting physicists into hell because they turned out to } be no fun at all.  He would crank up the heat only to discover that the } physicists were busy analyzing the type and quantity of heat in order } to find the cause.  He tried putting them to work solving the three } body problem and massively complex Schrodenger's equations, but they } actually enjoyed it.  The final straw came when the physicists managed } to put the lesser demons to sleep by giving lectures in their } specialties.  By this time, Satan had had enough and sent them upwards } to annoy the angels. } } Go to your neighborhood coffee shop, get your cup of coffee, and tell } them to put it on the Oracle's tab. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Dante's Inferno.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oh racle > > > > Will your answer to this question be sufficently funny/humorous to be > > selected and posted in the next digest? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } It won't be funny or humorous but it will be SASSY. > > So Oh wise one, who's elegance matches the best model on GQ, whose > inteligence is 34 times the product of all our IQs, tell me and show me > that you can do better than that!.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could do it, but I'm too intelligent to jump through hoops for you. } } No, seriously.  I mean it. } } You write me with your questions, your "oh-dear-Oracle" fake smarmy } nonsense and claim that it gives you some sort of right to a straight } answer, or at least a humorous one.  Even worse, you dare to CHALLENGE } me, like I was some sort of toy that you can wind up.  "Oracle, fix my } sex life."  "Oracle, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck....?" } "Oracle, do better than that!" } } Well, I'm SICK of it!  Do you hear me?  Sick, sick, sick! [sic]  Go } back to your instant-gratification Nintendo-addict lifestyle and leave } me to sulk on Parnassus!  My health perfect, my future assured, my } ethereal gauzed-clothed priests and priestesses at my side, ready to } fulfill my every whim.  Can't you see I'm living in Hell?  How quickly } I'd trade it to be one of the faceless querying masses, not having to } be RIGHT and FUNNY all the time.... } } You owe the Oracle a ride down to the Montel Williams studios for his } guest shot on the "Self-Pitying Omniscient Deity-Like Creatures" } segment to air next sweeps week.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-seeing Oracle, without whom the robot would be diploid, grant me > this morsel of your omniscience. > > Suppose (just hypothetically, now) that a sixteen year old computer > geek were to etherize a snake in the woods and sneak it into his > eighteen-year old sister's bed, just to give her a hypothetical scare, > and the snake were to wake up and bite the next person who came into > the bed, and suppose (just hypothetically now) that their parents were > away and the person who happened to be next in the bed was her > boyfriend, let's call him Jeff, and suppose (simply for the sake of > argument, remember) that the snake turned out to be a rattlesnake, > well, what should the computer geek do with the rattlesnake and the > poisoned naked Jeff and the screaming naked sister, even without the > fact that the dining room table is now a heap of smouldering rubble > from the chemistry experiments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't want to know.  (I read alt.sex.stories)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me how can I become number one in the > Class of 1996?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kill every other member of your class.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> your Oracleness, > > Please tell me > > Why do birds suddenly appear > Every time > You are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just washed my car.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle: > > Can we all just get along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, except for those of us who have been sprayed by skunks recently.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "In purely practical terms, it is obviously easier for action to be > taken by one House without submission to the President; but it is > crystal clear from the records of the Convention, contemporaneous > writings and debates, that the Framers ranked other values higher than > efficiency."  INS v. Chadha, 462 U.S. 919, 958-59 (1983). > > Query:  Might this be an appropriate slogan for the Net?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry to say that it would not be an appropriate slogan for the } Net. Here are some worthwhile, appropriate slogans for you to consider. } } 10.  Think LINK! } }  9.  The Net: It's not just for UNIX anymore! } }  8.  The Internet: Unlike on the Information Super-Highway, }      our smiling faces are still sideways. } }  7.  Preferred over TV by Green Card lawyers, 1000 to 1! } }  6.  I want my HDTV. } }  5.  The net is my life. Work is my hobby. Family? } }  4.  IM N0T A N3RD. IM A DW33B. WHAT R U, D00D? } }  3.  -----END PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- } }  2.  I'm a net surfer on the Information Super-Highway. } } and the number one slogan is... } }  1.  Post, and the world posts with you. Browse the Web, }      and you browse alone. } } You owe the Oracle an additional day of the week. I just can't keep up } with newsgroups like I used to...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many nuns does it take to change a light-bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} nun! } } Ewe oh thee Oracle uh spell checker that catches puns with know } trouble at awl.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where i can get information about saling cars > using Internet? I seek "Mersedes-500" specialy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try rec.sailing.cars.  I gotta tell you, though, those } automobile-sailing folks don't post a whole lot.  They sink } a *lot* of money into their sports, if you see what I mean.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is easiest way to let a guy down without hurting his feelings?...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spend an entire weekend with him engaged in mad, passionate sex. } Afterwards, explain to him that the lovemaking session was so } wonderful, so perfect, so exquisite that neither of you could ever come } close to such enjoyment again. It would be like trying to duplicate } Citizen Kane or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band or the Sistine } Chapel or Hamlet.  No, it would be better if both of you took vows of } celibacy, and medidated upon this near-Nirvana experience in the } solitude of the Andes and Alps, respectively.  With patience and } dedication, hopefully, you will each be able to return to that higher } plane of consciousness without all that sweaty grunting.  Give him a } final kiss, look dreamily into the Alpine distance, and stride } purposefully out the door, never looking back. } } When you get to your car, haul ass for home and change your phone } number.