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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           Oh most wizened Oracle, I have recently been forced to eat >           crow, eat my words, and stick my foot in my mouth.  What are >           the appropriate wines for these dishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most chastened supplicant, how often the omniscient Oracle wishes he } could taste of these delicacies.  Of course, being ominiscient means } never having to say you're sorry, so I must go without. } } However, lacking direct experience has never been much of a block for } me, the short answer is: it depends upon how the meal has been } prepared. } } If you are tasting these bitter dishes in the traditional manner (ie. } in an intimate one-on-one, most likely with a significant other) } than I might suggest a light Petite Faux Blanc. } } For a more robust meal, perhaps with a group of friends, classmates or } colleagues, you'll want to complement your red face with a stronger } vintage, perhaps a Merdetete, a self-deprecating little wine with a } distinctive air of contriteness. } } For a banquet of shame--with, say, your superiors at work or a } frequented Usenet newsgroup where you've made an ass of yourself--think } cheap and powerful.  A case of MD 20/20, Night Train or Thunderbird } drunk alone and quickly will go nicely as you wolf down your } three-courses of mea culpae.  Believe me, you WILL be sorry. } } You owe the Oracle Dante's Guide to the Vineyards of Purgatory and a } corkscrew.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't jump!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is having a hard time deciding which is the silliest answer } to give this inspired question.  He has decided that He will give you } several. } } 1.  Sorry.  I've been listening to the Pointer Sisters and Van Halen }     too much.  I'll stop that now. } } 2.  What?!!?  Do you have any idea what happens to a computer program }     that stops executing JMP instructions?  It stops running, that's }     what!  Why are you asking me to commit suicide? } } 3.  Now, now. I paid my $70 for this and I'm going to do it.  It's }     your turn next, and I expect you to go through with it as well. }     The guy selling tickets said that there aren't any refunds once }     you're on the bungee tower, you know. } } 4.  Boiiiiing!  Phbbbbbbbt! } } 5.  This is a USAir flight.  Didn't you know that it's the safest way }     to disembark? } } 6.  But now I'll NEVER get to marry Michael Jackson!!! } } 7.  You're right, she's just not worth...woah...woah...oops..oh! }     Eyaaaaaaaaagh!  *SPLAT!*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest and most knowlagable in cyberspace: > > What is net-ti-kit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou grovelling supplicant: }      "Netiquette" is the ability to travel the Internet without } sticking your nodes up at everyone else.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle whose wash and wear clothes always look good > on you, even while still wet: > > Why does my iron have a permanent-press setting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just to give the anal people a bad day. :)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's all your fault! You know what I'm talking about, don't even try to > deny it! I'm going to get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm going > to get you.  That's a promise, not a threat! Be afraid, be very afraid!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I know what you're talking about, the Oracle knows all. } } And, I even know how you're going to try and get me, even though you } don't know yourself, yet.  And will be ready. } } Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A couple of years ago I woke up and discovered that everybody was > me, or I was everybody. This wasn't one of those telepathic deals > with just one me looking out of billions of pairs of eyes, but > instead there were lots and lots of me, each a separate individual. > > At first I thought it was pretty cool. I owned everything. > I went to my job at the shoe factory and reset the machine to make > just one size of shoes. I closed down my tanning parlor, > and converted my lipstick factory to make more chess sets -- after > all, I was champion of the world. > > Sure, there were some problems, even at first. I wanted to move to > 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and live in the White House, but I already > lived there and didn't want to move out; but hey, there's > lots of me, and lots of room there, so we took turns, twenty or > thirty at a time of me. > > Usenet news was pretty dull for awhile, too. > > Also, Things got messy for a while. I didn't want to sweep the > streets, or collect the garbage. Finally I worked that out, too, and > I-in-general was neater and more considerate of myself so > I-garbageman wouldn't have such a tough job. > > The real early problems were with the lots of mes who were stuck in > places like Africa or Texas. But hey, it gave me something to do, > getting everyme out of there and getting me fixed up with decent > places to live. Nice is pretty crowded now. > > Soon, though, I started to get lonely for other people. Especially > for female-type people. I got real nostalgic and started watching > all those old movies, with all those stars that weren't me. > Then, whaddya know, some of me decided that this nostalgia stuff > wasn't good, and I started me-izing the movies. > > I really hate me-ized movies. I wish I wouldn't do that to the movies. > I make a lousy Princess Leah.... > > O great Oracle who is vast, and contains multitudes, > please tell me how I can meet new people.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mars. } } Yes, go to Mars.  You will find new people there, who have not been } you-ized.  Now I know what you're thinking, how much trouble it'll be } to get the others of you to build the giant rocket and life support } packs and all.  And how long y'all will have to wait.  But there is an } easy solution. } } Go to Mars, Pennsylvania.  Eat the special magic chocolate Mars bar } that the pink lust bunny offers you, and you will be on a trip to the } Other Mars.  If it doesn't work, you won't know the difference.  Bon } voyage! } } You owe the Oracle fewer of you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent one, who's feet smell of apples... > > Please tell me who's teeth are sharper:  Dracula or Jaws?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lab report 94-9770, Sharpness of teeth. } } Hypothesis: Teeth of a Vampire are at least as sharp as those of a Great } White Shark, if not even sharper. } } The experiment: } } Subject A, a 1.7 M caucasian vampire, was offered the chance to bite the } neck of Madonna. (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with } experiment 94-9702, Killing Madonna.) } } Subject B, a 2.7 M great white shark, was offered the chance to bite the } torso of Madonna. (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with } experiment 94-9735, Trying again to kill Madonna.) } } The results: } } Subject A did minimal damage, consonant with having very sharp teeth. } The teeth seem to have entered the neck without causing significant } damage to the surrounding tissues. } } Subject B bit a large portion from the center of the torso, tearing it } loose with great violence and a small amount of involuntary cheering on } the part of the experimenters. Subsequently, Subject B spit out the } torso segment and swam away. } } Conclusion: The vampire's teeth appear to be sharper than those of the } shark, based upon the limited size of the experiment. We wish to try the } experiment again, replacing Madonna with Tonya Harding. } } Notes: Both Subject A and Subject B have survived, although neither } seems especially willing to participate in further experiments. } } You owe the Oracle another experiment that can be performed upon } Madonna.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most perfect oracle! > >       why do things fall apart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [WARNING: This answer is strictly *confidential* and should not be } shared with anyone, especially not physicists.  They hate it when I } show them up for the bloody fools that they are. - U.O.] } } Things falling apart can be easily explained with the use of the New } and Improved Unified Field Theory.  There are four types of forces in } the world: strong nuclear force, weak nuclear force, sex appeal and } bloody-mindedness. } } Bloody-mindedness is transmitted in quanta, by particles called } pissoffons.  An excess of pissoffon radiation (as produced by stalled } cars on freeways, telephone solicitors, and Top 40 radio) can cause } short tempers, vicious squabbles, and an acceleration of entropy.  It } is this acceleration of entropy that makes things fall apart. } } Unfortunately, the resulting breakdown of atomic bonds caused by the } pissoffon radiation causes short tempers, releasing even more } pissoffons and accelerating the breakdown.  This is why everything } appears to go wrong at one time, as stated in Goddammit's Law, the } fundamental principle of bloody-minded physics.  (A corollary to this } law, Custer's Last Hypothesis, states that this time will be the most } inconvenient possible, goddammit.) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Brief History of Time".  I need a good } laugh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some people say such stupid stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mysterious, funky one: > > Tell me where doth one find true love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       True love, or not true love- that is the question! }       Whether 'tis better in the heart to suffer }       The pangs and sorrows of unrequited desire }       Or to shack up with the first bimbo you meet }       And by screwing, seek surcease.  To yearn- to love- }       No more; and by a love to say we end }       The horniness, and the thousand physical attractions }       That flesh is heir to.  'Tis a copulation }       Devoutly to be wish'd.  To yearn- to love. }       To love- perchance to have sex: ay, there's the rub!