} Oracle: What the hell...JOE! *bzzt* Joe, get in my office PRONTO!!!
}
} Joe: *POOF* Wha...huh...ho...OH! Um..hi, boss.
}
} Oracle: Joe, what part of your job description don't you understand?
} I hired YOU and every other person who works in the Supplicantal Slave
} Pits to write me QUESTIONS!!! Get it? QUESTIONS!
}
} Joe: I-I-I know, sir. But hear me out...
}
} Oracle: QUESTIONS! And so, Mr. Joe, would you mind explaining to me
} just why the hell you just sent me...some ASCII pictures of a surprised
} Indian and a baby rhino?
}
} Joe: They're Rocko and Spunky, sir. Cartoons on..
}
} Oracle: I'M OMNISCIENT, YOU OAF! I know what they are; I was telling
} you what they LOOKED LIKE! And I don't care if they're supposed to be
} Mother Theresa and an emaciated spider monkey...they're not QUESTIONS!
}
} Joe: Sir, please, hear me out. It's all part of my new idea to make
} the Oracularities publication bigger, better and more profitable. Could
} I just please run the scheme by you...I know you'll love it.
}
} Oracle: *Sigh* All right, Joe. But this damn well better be a whole
} lot better than your E-Mail scratch 'n sniff card idea.
}
} Joe: You won't be sorry, boss! See, it's like this: The trend in
} magazine and newspaper publication is going towards graphic arts. Look
} at USA today: 100 million circulation every issue! And how do they do
} it? Lots of pretty pictures, pie charts, full color weather maps --
} hardly any news worth spitting at, but since the paper LOOKS good,
} people think it IS good.
}
} Oracle: Go on. Though I already know where you're going with this.
}
} Joe: Ok. Newsweek, Time, and all the major news mags are all
} following USA Today's lead on the graphic arts thing in order to
} increase their subscriptions. The way I see it, if we jumped on the
} bandwagon at this point and started including artwork along with our
} questions and answers, our circulation would skyrocket! We'd easily
} compete with all the major news magazines -- and eventually, even
} surpass them.
}
} Oracle: So you think if we put ASCII art in our Oracularities, we could
} become so popular, we can start charging money. Maybe $10.00 per
} issue...
}
} Joe: Or more! And with the proceeds, we..
}
} Oracle: We? You mean _I_...
}
} Joe: Um, yes, sir. YOU...can take over the world!!
}
} Oracle: *evil grin* Joe, after your lame-brained idea of
} mass-merchandising Usenet Oracle Woodchuck Chips, I had pegged you as
} an idiot. But I must say, this is a rare stroke of brilliance.
}
} Joe: Glad you like it, sir. So, do you think since the idea's so
} good, maybe you can set me free from the Slave Pits and give me back my
} family?
}
} Oracle: I wouldn't go that far, Joe. You'll get a second helping of
} gruel tonight, and after dinner, I'll have you flogged with a scourge
} instead of a split-bamboo cane. Cause you see, if I'm to clutch the
} entire world in my tyrannical grasp, I'll need all the grunt-work I can
} get.
}
} (A startling series of *POOFS*. An exact duplicate of the Oracle
} appears, followed immediately by four teenagers and a big brown dog)
}
} Fred (the tall blonde guy): Not so fast, so-called-Oracle.
}
} So-called-Oracle, Joe: WHAT???
}
} Shaggy: Zoiks! Man, Orrie, like that guy behind the desk looks just
} like you!
}
} Scooby-Doo: Ruhh-huh!
}
} Oracle: He may LOOK like me, Shaggy, but rest assured, he's not. Velma,
} pull off the mask.
}
} Velma: (rips mask off so-called Oracle) Look! It's Michael Eisner,
} chairman of Disney!
}
} Eisner: Curses, curses, curses! I would have gotten away with it...if
} if wasn't for you meddling KIDS!
}
} Fred: We should have known from the start. The REAL Oracle is a
} peaceful, benevolent, non-profit entity devoted to understanding and
} world peace through E-Mail. He would NEVER stoop to crass
} commercialism.
}
} Oracle: Never! Not even for Pizza Hut (tm)!
}
} Shaggy: Like, another case solved, huh, Scoob?
}
} Joe: Um, does this mean I can go home now?
}
} Fred: Nope. Since every Scooby-Doo episode has something to do with
} Shaggy and Scooby eating something, they're going to roll you in a
} giant tortilla shell and cover you in salsa.
}
} Scooby-Doo: Rhmmm-mmmm!
}
} Everyone: *laughs* (except for Joe, who screams bloodily)
}
} *CUE END MUSIC*
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