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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows most everything there is to know > and lots more besides, pray help me. > > I have been trying to use this inter net for days. > I still haven't caught any inters yet. What is an > inter anyway and how may I improve my chances of > catching some? Oh, and are they good to eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The inter is a fearsome beast, and one must use extreme caution when } trying to catch one using an inter net.  Basically, an inter is } invisible and so absolutely, mind-astoundingly huge that only one of } such great mental power as I, the Great Oracle, can even hope to grasp } the concept completely. Do not forsake your quest, though, because an } inter, while not very good to eat (or to be eaten by), is a fascinating } beast that will give you years of enjoyment, hence the employment of an } inter net to catch one alive. Catching an inter is great sport, and I } myself have caught many. } } There are several ways of catching an inter.  Here are a few: } } Spread the inter net as far and wide as possible, stretching it as much } as you possibly can.  This is the trap.  Then you must lead the inter } into the net.  To do this, one must make a trail of something that } inters really, really like.  One thing they like is people, and if you } can somehow manage to talk someone into being the bait, then you can } probably talk them into catching one and giving it to you.  Other } things to use are tel nets (which they love to make string puzzles } with), FTP's (which are like green peas but slightly different), } Archie's (the comic, of course), and various other things that work to } greater or lesser degrees.  Make a trail of these leading to the inter } net, and when an inter comes along, drop it on him. } } Use a World Wide Web instead of an inter net, and you have a much } better chance of catching one. } } You can also try to spot an inter wandering around, and jump it with } the net.  This method has certain drawbacks, such as not being able to } see it and the fact that the inter is much, much, much bigger than you. }  You absolutely have to get it on the first try, or be able to outrun } the entire Olympic sprinting team. } } What you do with it when you get it is another question entirely... } } Historical note:  The inters were created from sticking together a } bunch of even more fearsome beasts called UNIX.  They were } understandably angry about what happened to them, and that anger lives } on in the inters. } } Persevere, and thou shalt recieve what is coming to thee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle, please afford me but a speck of your vast > knowledge and answer this question: > > If silence is golden how come the squeaky wheel gets the grease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's like this:  Silence is golden.  So is the stuff in the } pot at the end of the rainbow.  Somewhere over the rainbow is a } long way away, and since you can't rely on twisters showing up } when you need them, you're better off driving.  If you're going } to drive that far, you'd better grease that squeaky wheel, } or the noise will drive you nuts. } } You owe the Oracle a vacation in the Emerald City, and a Horse } of a different color.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hey Oracle, > I've got kind of a dilemma, here. You see, in the year 2020, my > uncle invented, or should I say, will invent, a time machine. > So, anyhow, I hopped in, or I will hop in, and I came back to > 1994. So, wild stuff transpired, and now here I am, on the edge > of a cliff, hanging on with one hand, and hanging on to my uncle > with the other. Now, if my uncle dies, he will never invent the > time machine, so then what? Will I have never made this trip? > But, if I never made this trip, the wild stuff which led to my > uncle's death never would have occurred. In that case, he would > have lived to make the time machine, and I would come back, and > here we go again. My fingers are slipping. If I let go, and we > both die, then what? I'm afraid to try that, though, because > what if the crazy bastard lives? Then I'm dead, right? Help me > soon, oracle! I can't hold on much longer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle knows that the universe is really multifarious in nature, } which means that, except from an ethical standpoint, there's nothing } really wrong with killing your parents or being your own ancestor, or } destroying the means of providing yourself with a time machine before } the fact.  The future consists of overlapping waveforms of possibility. }  If you fail to drop off a cliff, you choose to live in the universe } where you are alive.  If you fall, you live in a universe where...that } is, you will die in a universe where you're dead.  If you drop the old } SOB off the cliff, you will chose the universe in which you are under } grand jury indictment for voluntary manslaughter, but you won't be } chronologically harmed. } } You really will need to have going to been learning some new verb } tenses to talk about your experiences though.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So what was the punchline?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What happened to supplicant groveling? Kids, Ohy!! You buy them books, } you send 'em to school, they stay in school until they rot.  they never } get a job, just stay in school, tch tch!! }   Well, I digress.  So you want to know what the answer is to "So what } was the punchline?" } So I should be tellink you what the punch line is?  Your sainted mother } didn't ask.  Uncle Izzy didn't ask.  So why should you ask?  You should } be ashamed of youself.  So go ask the butcher. } } You owe the Oracle a Dr. Brown Cel-ray and a Nathan's hot dog, mustard } only ps- remember, keep the dishes seperate.  Your mother would be so } proud of you, a supplicant.  She always wanted a supplicant in the } family!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O wise and gracious Oracle, pray tell: > >             Is Velveeta really nothing but cheese jello?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Velveeta, chemical symbol Ve, is a highly radioactive element with an } atomic number of 110 and a shelf-life of 2.5x10^23 years or 50000 } miles, whichever comes first.  Formed in experiments at M.I.T. } (Murray's Institute of Tools) back in the 70's, Velveeta has since } become a popular spreadable product/adhesive/packaging material. } Velveeta liquefys readily in the presence of heat and combines } explosively in the environment of the digestive system. } } You owe the Oracle some New York sharp cheddar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Killing someone, doing society a service? why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It all depends on the person being killed, and the reasons for the } killing. For example: } } People who do not deserve to get whacked: }      newlyweds. }      veterans. }      homeless. }      single parents. }      groveling supplicants. } } People who deserve to get whacked: (In no particular order) }      drunk tanker captains. }      hyperactive pro-life activists. }      disgruntled postal workers. }      hyperactive pro-choice activists. }      supplicants who don't include a grovel in their question. }      people who actually believe in john_-_winston. } } Bad ways to bump deserving people off: }      mugging. }      rape. }      roasting over a hot fire. }      the Iron Maiden. (I meant the device, but the group also fits.) }      pictures of Penn Jilette in his Jockey shorts. } } Good way to bump deserving people off: }      mummification of in postage stamps is a good idea. (Little }        expensive on stamps, though.) }      drowning in an oil tanker's holds is creative. }      of course, the ever-popular zot. }      mailbombing email accounts. } } OK, so we throw these together, and pull out: } }      Bad: }      Mugging newlyweds. }      Roasting single parents over a hot fire while making them watch }        Penn Jilette in his scanties. (oh.. nobody could be that evil!) } }      Good: }      Mummifying a disgruntled postal worker in postage stamps. }      Email bombing of social activists. }      Drowning of John_-_winston in the Exxon Valdez' holds. }        (OK, OK, they don't always match exactly...) }      Zotting supplicants who don't grovel... Hmm.. (checks original }        message..) } } ready... aim.... ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle a disgruntled postal worker marinated in light, } sweet crude.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm feeling really, really depressed right now.  I've got a personal > problem that just can't be fixed by anyone (even you).  Since there > is nothing I can do about it, it's like an itch I can't scratch.  I > can't stand it.  It's even mostly my fault, so I can't even blame > anyone else. > > Please tell me your favorite joke.  I need something funny to distract > me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       This guy was walking along the beach one day and found a genie } imprisoned in a bottle.  On release from the bottle, the genie said he } could have three wishes granted. }       The guy asked the genie for one date in bed with three awesome } women.  Behold, it was granted and he wound up in bed with Tanya } Harding,Lorena Bobbitt and Hilary Clinton.  It was a great night. }       But in the morning, he awoke with his legs broken, his cock } cut off, and no health insurance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have a hard drive ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was hanging out in a SCSI bar.  A loud bandwidth played in the } corner. } } I gave the place a binary search.  I saw a little chip in the corner. } She SIMMed like a pro.  I traversed over to her. } } She pressed her Apples against me.  "Hey, Mac, do you have a hard } drive?" } } "No, only a floppy," I replied. } } "Well, then you need an Amiga," she sed. } } "Vi?" } } "Well, if I was your Amiga, we could interface." } } We went to a motel.  We took a bus. } } The motel was SCSI-2.  It needed to be debugged. } } "So, how much is this going to cost me?"  I queried. } } She added it up right away.  She had a mind like a...like a.... } She could add really fast. } } She stripped her binaries.  It was quite a procedure. } } "I'm going to turn your software into hardware," she transmitted. } } She started to spreadsheet. } } "So, are you ready to RAM?" she called. } } I had been auditing everything.  I sent a signal.  It was time for } the trap. } } All the agents burst through the gateway.  My manager was with them. } } "Awk!  It's a RAID!" she sed. } } "Don't arrest me!  I'm a motherboard!  How will I explain this } to my Sun?" } } The agents were not responding.  They got ready to stop her process. } } She was getting desperate.  "Hey, I could do a favor for all of you. } I'm fully multitasking." } } It didn't work.  We're all UNIX.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh rock en racle, > > You're my dream come true, my one and only you ... > Come along and by my party doll, I'll make love to you ... > Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ... > Mabelline, why can't you be true, Oh Mabeline why can't you be true ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a lady who's sure } All that glitters is smoke on the water, } And she's buying a magic bus. } When she gets there she knows a little, and baby she can guess the rest, } If the stores are all closer to the heart } With a word she can get back what she came for. } } There's a sign on another brick in the wall, } But she wants to take a walk on the wild side } 'Cause you know sometimes words have to move on down the line. } In a tree by the brook there's a dead skunk in the middle of the road; } Sometimes all of our thoughts are wasting away in Margaritaville. } } There's a feeling I get when the music's over } And my spirit is crying for leaving on a jet plane. } In my thoughts I have seen } Rings of smokestack lightning through the trees all kept equal } and the voices of those who stand looking out my back door. } } And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune, } Then the piper will lead me to the river, push me in the water. } And a new day yesterday, but it's an old day now, will dawn } For those who stand long tall Sally, } and the forests will echo with lawyers, guns, and money. } } And it makes me wander. } } If there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be cruel. } It's just a spring clean for the G-L-O-R-I-A } Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, } There's still time to change the country road, take me home. } } Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know } The piper at the gates of dawn is calling you to join together. } Dear lady, can't you hear me knocking, } And did you know, your stairway lies down on Broadway? } } And as we wind on down the road to nowhere } Our shadows in the rain taller than our soul man, } There walks a lady we all know } Who shines white light/white heat and wants to show } How everything still turns to silver, blue, and gold } And if you listen to the flower people very hard } The tune will come to you at the last in line } When all are one and one and one is three } To be a rock and not to roll on down the highway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > Could you please tell who invented pantyhose and why? What is their > function and purpose? They are an entity that is totally > incomprehensible to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gadzooks, some people just can't take the time to do their own } research. Have you people not read your Bible recently?  Allow me to } quote from the book of Genesis, Oracle's Expanded Edition: } } 003:013 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou }         hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I }         did eat. } } 003:014 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done }         this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast }         of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt }         thou eat all the days of thy life: } } 003:015 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between }         thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou }         shalt bruise his heel. } } 003:016 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and }         thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and }         thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over }         thee. } } 003:016.1 And though shalt be consumed by thine vanity, and though }           shalt be driven by that trait to perform acts of great }           stressfullness; } } 003:016.2 Thou shalt bind thine legs so that thine cellulite shalt not }           be betrayed; and the swaddling shalt be synthetic, such that }           neither cooling air nor trapped moisture may pass through its }           barrier; } } 003:016.3 Thou shalt deny thyself the nourishment thou cravest; and }           thou shalt subsisteth on chalky protein gruel, mocking }           labelled a shake, for 40 days in succession; } } 003:016.4 Thou shalt augmentheth thine stature by walking upon tall }           spires; and these spires shall entangle themselves in the }           brambles, stones, and heating grates of the world, twisting }           thine ankles;  and thine calves shalt feel the burn; } } 003:016.5 Thou shalt wed thine self-esteem to the length of the nails }           of thine fingers;  and the trials of the world shall cause }           them to crack in a brittle manner, and they shall peel back }           painfully; } } 003:016.6 Eve wept. } } Now shut up and take your punishment like a man.  You owe the Oracle a } really, really comfortable pair of Hush Puppies.