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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (sound of chainsaw starting) NOOO!  AIIEEEE!  (wet ripping noise) > AUUUGH AIIIE AAAAAAAAAWWGGHHHHHHRRRHHHHH (wet smack) THE PAIN!  AAAA-- > (more grinding, with a layered sound of dogs being castrated) > AAAAHHIUAAAGHHAAAAAA (insert thumpin beat with a treble overtone) (six > shots are fired) (splatter of organs on newspaper) (gurgling) (splatter > of eyeballs) (surge of the Philharmonic Orchestra) "A NEW WORLD ORDER" > (chainsaw roars in time with some unrecognizable tune) (sound of the > coconut hitting Skipper's head) (schluck) PINGGGGG (sixty seven > orgasms) (light piano.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is glad you had such an enjoyable weekend, Dr. Lecter.  If } you're though cleaning up, the Oracle has the names and addresses of } a few more supplicants who dared to ask about woodchucks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Sam Raimi mean my fake shemps??? > If you have'nt watched Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness then > you should.  If you have then you must have wondered.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's like this.  Sam Raimi is the founder of an obscure } religious group (some might say "cult") called the Stoogians. } The Stoogians have dedicated their lives to the worship of old } "Three Stooges" movies.  The connection, as you may know, is } that Shemp was one of the Stooges.  Shemp replaced Moe, and } thus is technically the "fourth Stooge".  Much Stoogian } literature deals with this replacement. } } Anyway, Sam Raimi is the author of the Stoogian's primary holy } book, the Stoogicon.  One of the primary tenets of Stoogianism } is the belief that the Stooges will return, in a second coming } of sorts, at the end of the world, the Stoogalypse.  In the } Stoogicon, Raimi tells of this time, and warns his followers of } "False Shemps" who will appear, and atempt to lead the true } believers astray.  He warns the Stoogians to avoid these fake } Shemps, to seek out the One True Larry, the Holy Curly, and The } Original Moe. } } You owe the Oracle a full set of colorized Three Stooges movies } on video (VHS preferred), including "Evil Dead Stooges," "Evil } Dead Stooges 2," and "Stooges of Darkness."  And a CD which } contains "The Curly Shuffle".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: Chuck Arthur > Why do I have so many orphan socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is a simple one.  Socks are known to be cannabilistic by } nature, and few people realize the need to feed their socks.  As a } result, the socks, sitting beside each other in the dark drawer, are } forced to eat each other...Of course, an entire pair of socks is never } completely eaten because one of the two, upon demonstrating his/her } formidable power by eating his/her partner, is never attacked by the } other socks, because they fear for their own lives. } } Stop the cycle!  Feed your socks today!  They like spam...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, another blank one. Best zot it then... ...no. Hang on. There's } something there. Hard to see, but... } } Ok, now just convert the white text to black so I can read it } properly... Hey, that's not a question. It appears to be an old file } which has somehow become attached to the null question text field... } } Let's have a read, shall we? } } -------------------------attached text-------------------------------- } }                          Curikulum Viti } } Name:           Alister Supplicant. } Date of birth:  15/4/68 } Age:            35 } Status:         Single } } Adress:         24 New Street, }                 Wolfenden, }                 Arkansis. } } Educasion: } } 1972-1980  Wolfenden School for Yung Ofenders }            Milk Monitor, Swimming badge class 2. } } 1981-1983  Wolfenden Detention Centre. }            English (D) }            Maths   (E) }            Riting  (C) }            Demanding Money with Menaces (B) }            Safe Blagging (C) }            Certifikate of Adult Literesy } } 1984       Wolfenden Prison }            Grand Theft Auto (C) }            Deception (B) } } Hyer Education: } } 1984       Wolfenden Prison }            Jail Breaking (A) }            Rioting (D) }            Escaping (did not complete exam) } } 1985       Wolfenden Prison }            Escaping (resit - A) } } Employment History: } } 1985-1987  No fixed employment } }            In this job i had to find various ways of supporting miself }            whilst evadin capture by the authorities. Soon I had enough }            muney to get a nose job from Doc Smith and a new identity. } } 1987-1988  Harry's Bar } }            Here I was reponsibl for keeping the purple gang and others }            out of Harry's Bar. I got to wear a suit and evrything. Then }            Harry left me the safe keys, so I quit. } } 1988-1990  Security Consultant } }            In this job I was responsibull for checking the security of }            various buildings, vehicles, etc. I found lots of things }            were not as secure as they shud hav bin, too. Peepl kept }            leaving cars unlocked, didn't close windows properly, stuff }            like that. } } 1991-1993  Librarian } }            Here I was responsibl for keeping the library clene and }            makin people return their books when they wur supposed to. }            Specially the ones what were inside for theft. And I got to }            look after the pervy books, too, so it wasn't a bad three }            years (with good behaviour) } } 1994-date  Unix Consultant } }            In this job all i hav to do is keep saying words like vi and }            subsystem. Its' great, this one. Money for old rope, I ask }            you guv. Oh, and I have to say "hardware problem" so that }            someone comes to fix it wen its bust. There's loads of books }            which have words in. Whenever someone starts asking awkward }            questions I just have to read a few more words to say. } } Position applied for: } } I want at least 50K plus executive car and other benfits, 'cos thats } wot they ar payin me heer. And I want to come and go as I pleas rather } than do the hours, cos my woman keeps on about it. } } --------------------------end of attachment---------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh glorious Oracle, please open the doors of wisdom for this humble > supplicant. > > How many martians does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It takes considerably more Martians to change a lightbulb than it does } humans.  Not because the Martians are less capable, but because Mars } recieves less intense sunlight than the Earth, the lightbulbs are much } larger, thus requiring many Martians to even lift, let alone turn, one. } } You may not be aware of it, Supplicant, but this is the real reason } that the Martians have been trying to take over the Earth for so long. } They're tired of living in a dim world and they envy Earth's } brightness.  People in the United States were acutely aware of this in } the 1950s, when talk of Martian invasion was rampant.  Even Senator } Joseph McCarthy was aware of the impending danger when he spoke about } the "Red (Planet) Menace".  Lately, however, Terran society has largely } ignored Mars, which is putting them in grave danger even now.  There is } evidence of renewed Martian activity, most notably the disappearance of } the Mars Observer probe, and the collision of comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 } with the planet Jupiter--the Oracle's sources say that the comet was } actually supposed to strike the Earth, but hit Jupiter due to errors in } the Martians' calculations. } } Top-level U.S. government plans to send large quantities of light bulbs } to Mars have failed to come up with a reasonable solution.  Likewise, } ideas about assembling an Earth-orbital, solar-powered sunlamp  aimed } at Mars have not been entirely successful.  There has been some talk } about moving the Hubble Space Telescope to a position where its lens } could magnify the sun and heat up Mars, but there are enough problems } with the HST as it is. } } One radical faction here on Earth suggests discharging all Earth-based } nuclear devices, which would make the Earth incandescent and thereby } give Mars more light.  Fortunately for the people of the Earth, they } don't have access to anything useful. } } So, dear Supplicant, consider this:  ask not how many Martians it takes } to change a lightbulb, but how many lightbulbs will it take to change } the Martians? } } You owe the Oracle a pair of shades and some sunscreen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who builds excitement, > > I saw this commercial about Ram trucks that were built tough, so I > went out and bought one. > > On the way home, a Honda Civic took more than half a second to get > going after the light turned green -- so I rammed it! > > It was fun. I stove in the whole rear of the little sucker, and > there was pieces of taillight all over the highway. Then I backed up > and went around, keeping on keeping on, on my way home. > > Next block, there was a Sentra that stopped when the light was still > yellow, and I rammed it. I liked that. Really cool. > > Don't wanna bore you with the details, but I sure had a good time > driving home, and bagged me about a dozen little Jap cars. Then, > when I parked and got out and got the camera to take a picture of me > with my nice new ram, I saw that the front was all dented in! > > Can you believe it? It's supposed to be a ram truck, and built > tough, and there it is all messed up after just a little bit of > ramming! > > Do ya think I should sue for false advertising?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Gentle Supplicant, } } How your letter took me back to the early days, back when I was } able to freely roam your world in my chosen physical manifestation, } which happened to be as a magnificent ram. Oh, the rippling muscles, } the massive stature, the sheer joy of having those menacing horns } adorning my all-powerful head. How all creatures used to tremble at } my sight!  How I used to roam far and wide, unhampered by anything, } unchallenged by anyone. All males cowered before me! All females } threw themselves at my feet! I was the king of all I surveyed! } } And then - one day as I was surveying my kingdom, I noticed a } disturbance far to the east. I rushed to check it out, and saw to } my horror a great, massive green creature rising from a volcano. } At first it looked like it was made out of papier-mache and cheap } latex, but before I could get close enough to tell, the creature } leaped at me and shot fire from its mouth. It was grappling with me! } This silly creature was trying to destroy me -- the Great Oracle! } I could see people running away screaming.  Their mouths were moving, } but the sounds that came out didn't seem to match. Oh well, I didn't } have time to ponder on the meaning of this, for I had a more immediate } problem -- this creature had circled around and taken a bite out } of my backside! I backed up, turned around, took a mighty run, and } leaped into its belly, planting my horns square on their target. } This seemed to deflate the creature a bit, but it came back at me. } I rammed it again, giving myself an awful headache in the process. } The creature stumbled. I gathered myself, gave a final mighty leap, and } bashed the creature full in the chest, knocking it deep into the sea. } } Woozy, I decided it was time to return to my original physical form } and to my home. When I came in, Mrs. Orrie took one look at me and } screamed. I looked into the mirror and discovered that my posterior } had been severely distorted. Of course, being omnipotent, I was } able to restore it to its original beatitude with merely a thought. } So you see, dear supplicant, you cannot sue - Ram tough has always } been vulnerable to a Nippon the butt. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Bondo and three cheap, grainy B-movies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great and wonderfull oracle please forgive my uter incompetance and > lack of knowledge.  could you please help me to find information about > hurricanes, tornnadoes, and other weather hazards over north america. > i am trying to write a school report on how the national weather > service works. > > i bask in your greatness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a hard topic. Most weathermen you talk to are blowhards. Also, } a lot of meteoroligists are full of hot air. Marine bioigists are all } wet, and the beach experts have sand for brains. Lucky for you you } discovered the usenet Oracle! } } Here's what you can say to your teacher in the report: } } ************************************************************************ } Whaether: what makeses the wind to blow an tha sun ta shin. } } Uh, lest weke ah filled downe and hit mah haid. It herts. A lot. But } Ahma still gonna finish this hear riport. Bicuz Ah luuuuuv skool! } } Whaether iz rilly rilly cool. Expesially in the north. In tha South its } hot. } } Pleeze giv me a A. } } thanks, } Melvin } } PS: herez $20 fer bein suh a gud teecher. } } That should do the trick. } } -O

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? > > What is the capitol of Haiti?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, this is Dan Rather coming to you from Port-au-Prince, the } capitol of Haiti.  Things have settled down quite a bit here since the } U.S. occupation, so today we'll take some time out to investigate a } burning question: _how_ _many_ _licks_ does it take, to to get to the } center of a tootsie pop?  Connie Chung is here to help us find the } answer.  Connie, are you ready?  Okay, here we go. } } Connie is very good at this.  Many times I have invited younger, less } experienced reporters to have a go at it, and invariably they will bite } down on it.  Connie is... a true professional. } } Her experience shows in her technique as well.  She licks all around } the tootsie pop, but gives special attention to the place where the } candy is thinnest.  This will shorten the overall experience somewhat, } but makes the ending that much more pleasant. } } Well, it looks like she's done it.  How many licks, Connie? } } "Two hundred and thirty-four, Dan -- and it was worth every lick to get } to that delicious chewy center." } } There you have it, from Port-au-Prince.  This is Dan Rather. } } You owe the Oracle one of those huge jumbo-sized tootsie rolls.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If you crossed the international date line on your birthday, >      would you still get presents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you still get presents. Especially if you're really polite to the } hijackers. It's Christmas presents you don't get if you cross the date } line on December 25th. } } Scene: High in the atmosphere above the Pacific, late at night. Muaroa } Atoll glows peacefully down below. An Air New Zealand 747 swhooshes by. } Looking out of one of the windows is one particularly pasty white but } expectant looking, if a bit vacant, face. } } [a pause of a few seconds, the sound of sleigh bells fades in] } } Santa: "On Prancer! On Dancer! On Ruldolf! In a few minutes they'll be } in Boxing day. Giddy Up! GO GO GO!!!!! YES!!!! WE'RE CATCHING!!! YES!!! } YES!! ALMOST THERE !!!! NO, YOU'RE SLOWING DOWN!!! ON! ON! ON! } ARRRGHHH!!! OH NO" } } [the airplane disappears into the distance] } } Santa: "Hell, those bloody planes get faster every year. Seems all } those steroids didn't do much good. Oh well, time to head for home." } } [Santa and his rather pumped and muscular reindeer turn right for the }  North Pole, throwing out presents as they leave. Migosh Supplicant! }  You were going to get a PowerPC, a modem, and 50 free hours on AOL! }  Now it's whale food] } } You owe The Oracle a stack of witty answers to "Where's some plankton?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will there be Baseball soon in North America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Humble Supplicant, this is your lucky day!  Not only will there } be baseball once again in North America, indeed there already is! } } Now, before I continue, I must warn you that the following } instructions may only be followed under advice and supervision of a } doctor.  I have to worry about liabilities here... } } First, open your eyes.  Look off into the distance; that big } rectangular object with moving pictures and flashing lights, where } once there was baseball, that you have sat in front of immobile since } early April, that's called a television.  Observe the location of the } television, and get a good fix on it relative to the soft pliable } thing in which your posterior is firmly planted (called a couch for } future reference), in case you become disoriented later in the } exercise and wish to begin again. } } Carefully now, not too fast, you don't want to pull a muscle, stand } up.  Slowly and cautiously, make your way to the television set.  Now, } slowly turn around 360 degrees, just to get a good overview of your } surroundings.  This is called a living room.  You're well on your way } to finding Baseball now! } } Over there, the bright spot on the edge of the Living Room, that's } called a window.  If you're feeling up to it, make your way over to } the Window.  BE CAREFUL!  You don't want to pull away the cumbersome } fabric that blocks the window (known as a Drape) too quickly.  If you } do, you may become momentarily blinded.  Should this happen, return to } the couch and repeat the previous steps with more caution and care. } Now slowly pull away the blind, just an inch at a time, and as your } eyes adjust to the light, look out the window.  That's called the } yard. } } There!  You've found it!  Out through the window, in the yard, there } is the baseball!  Lots of kids, America's Youth, playing America's } Passtime, Baseball.  And having lots of fun at it, too--- what? } There's no-one there?  <flip, flip, flip> oh, umm, it says here in the } Book of Oracularities that the kids of today are all playing Nintendo. } Well, remember the Television?  There should be a baseball cartridge } for the Nintendo in the box beside it.  Hit one out of the park for } me, will you? } } You owe the Oracle a recipe for couch potato au-grautin.