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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stomp Stomp *clap* > Stomp Stomp *clap* > > We will, we will Rock you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rock Rogers, intrepid explorer, ventures forth from Marsport, piloting } the space cruiser "Fearless" on his way to the asteroid belt. His } clean-cut, youthful features jut prominently against the viewport } showing the inky blackness of space. } } Suddenly, a noise from the supposedly-empty cargo hold alerts him to } the sound of danger! He leaps from his seat, grabbing the hand-blaster } from behind the Koffee-Matic dispenser. He sets the blaster to } "disrupt" as he pulls himself one-handed through the access port, } floating in zero-gee. } } There, looking out from the edge of the cargo hold at him, is the head } of a Space-Woodchuck! As everyone knows, the Space-Woodchuck is the } most dangerous creature to be found in cargo holds, more dangerous even } than the brain-eating slime found on Ceres, or the purple-headed } zit-faced newbie monster from planet Aol. Instinctively, Rock fires the } blaster at the Space-Woodchuck, but instead of the *ZOT* of power that } he expects, a mere -fsssst- comes from the feeble device. } } "Blast," says Rock, "I forgot to buy batteries at Marsport!" } } Quickly, knowing that this is its only chance to escape, the wily } Space-Woodchuck tries to slip past Rock. But Rock, wearing his } extra-massive asteroid boots and his miner's gloves, tosses his blaster } aside. He knows how to handle this beast! } } With a quick } }            Stomp! Stomp! *CLAP* }            Stomp! Stomp! *CLAP* } } the Space Woodchuck is pulverized into a shapeless mass of fur and } fangs. } } You owe the Oracle the story of how Rock Rogers dealt with the } Space-Lemurs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, > > What are some ways in which I can make money fast using my computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} David Rhodes, will you never learn? } } ZOT!!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best Operating System and what > is the best Operating System Shell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best operating system is one chief surgeon, one executive surgeon, } as many surgical assistants as needed, an anesthesiologist, and a } specialist in whatever ails the patient-- plus a chief nurse and a } nursing staff organized as the chief nurse and the chief surgeon deem } fit. } } The best operating system shell is the abalone, sharpened by scraping } it on a rock. } } You owe the Oracle a Canadian passport.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get him an America Online account.  Introduce him to the Usenet } Newsgroups. Watch the ensuing flame wars. } } You owe the Oracle a drunken wench.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if there *were* such a thing as a free lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Breakfast would still be the most important meal of the day, but }    nobody would bother eating it. The effect on world civilization as }    we know it would be staggering. } } 2) Restaurants would have to offer brunch at half price. The effect on }    the food-service industry would be staggering. } } 3) The manufacturers of Free Tibet signs would be in the Free Lunch }    sign business instead. The effect on Richard Gere would be }    staggering. } } 4) In order to recoup their losses, restaurants serving lunch would }    begin pushing the drinks heavily, resulting in the three-martini }    lunch becoming the societal norm. The effect on the average citizen }    would be: staggering. } } You owe the Oracle a justification for HNEFATAFL.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much chuck would chuck chuck chuck if chuck chuck chuck > chuck chucked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Chuck is putting dishes in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: Here, have another plate. } }         Chuck puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: Here you go. } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: That must make a hundred of them. } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: So this is a hundred and one. } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasherer er. } } Chuck: Wait'll I tell the Usenet Oracle about this! } } Chuck: Wait'll I tell the Usenet Oracle about this! } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: Hee hee. Oh, Miss Dishwasher, you're getting pretty full, aren't } you? } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck [Miss Dishwasher voice]: Oh, no, Chuck! I could eat another } hundred! } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck [normal voice]: Well, here you go, then. } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck [Miss Dishwasher voice]: Thank you! Ohh, that's dee-LISH-us! } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: I'm glad you like them. } }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. }                 : }                 : }         He puts another plate in the dishwasher. }         He puts the last plate in the dishwasher. } } Chuck: Oh no, I'm out of plates! } } Chuck [Miss Dishwasher]: Oh, no! I want more! Give me more! } } Chuck: I'm afraid you've eaten them all. Now, it's time to turn you on! } } Chuck [Miss Dishwasher]: Oh, yes, Chuck! Yes! } }         Chuck closes the door and twists the dial. The dishwasher } starts hissing. } } Chuck [Miss Dishwasher]: Bubble bubble bubble HISSSSSSSSSSSS. Oh, I can } feel my insides getting wet. } } Chuck: Good girl. You wash those dishes while I go tell the Usenet } Oracle all about my day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, please answer this rhetorical question for me. > > Let's say that at one time I was a superhero, leading a team of > superheroes battling evil.  Now, let's say that there was a huge > battle, which had superheroes of the world on both sides, each fighting > for what they believed in.  Let's further say that one of the members > of my team, and a good friend of mine, was on the other side and shot > me three times through the chest with a .50 caliber gatling gun, and I > barely pulled through thanks to the assistance of some magical healers > nearby. > > Let's say that after this, I decided to drop out of the superhero biz. > I was somewhat depressed, can you blame me?  But now, let's imagine > that there's this mad bomber running around my college campus, and my > roommate says that I'm the only one who can stop him.  But it's so > depressing...I was a hero before, and look what it got me. > > If a situation such as this were to arise, what would you have me do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hurmph. Well, right off, you lose 3 Brownie Points for not grovelling. } What do you think this _is_, a free ride?! I mean, sure, you've got } _your_ problems, but they _pale_ in comparison to mine! I've got to } answer thousands of questions every day, from whining little snots like } you, and most of you just _dump_ your questions on me! No, "Please oh } Mighty Oracle", or, "If you wouldn't mind, Mr. Oracle" -- oh no, it's } allways "Tell me:". Humph. } } Okay! I'm not going to get angry... I'm not going to get angry... I'm } the Oracle! The _Usenet_ Oracle! And that still means something, } goshdarnit! I'm... I'm a symbol to the aspiring masses! The symbol of } all they could be! A symbol of all that is Pure and Cool in the world. } } And, coincidentally, kid, so are you -- you were a hero, and like it or } not, people look up to you now... You've gotta get back on the horse, } kid. You can't let a little thing like a sucking chest wound get to ya! } You can't let all those people down, dangit! } } And, I mean, come on. With firepower like a .50-cal MG, do you really } think a lil' old mad bomber would be a problem? } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of 'Team M.E.C.H.A.' Trade } Ether-Backs. And, come to think of it, that .50-cal machinegun would } look great on my wall...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of greart wisdom, please tell me. Will I pass my UNIX class

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, dear supplicant ... you'll pass your UNIX class walking the other } way down the hall, all smiling and relieved-looking, and then you'll } realize you forgot to go to the exam.  Then, you'll look down and see } that you're naked, and your UNIX class will turn around and point and } laugh.  And then, something about a Corvette and the Andrews Sisters } ... it gets weird from then on. } } Then you'll wake up in a panic and realize you're *in* your UNIX exam, } and there's only 20 minutes to go, and you slept through the whole } thing.  Then you'll look down and notice you're naked and your class } will point and laugh, except for the Andrews Sisters who will approach } you seductively, en masse, and croon "Hey there, Bugle Boy ..." } } Then you'll notice that the Andrews Sisters, who you thought were } naked, are actually wearing those industrial-strength power-bras your } Grandma wears, with the 18 little hooks and eyes and the straps 3 } inches wide.  Then you'll notice they all even look a little bit like } your Grandma.  Then it gets weird again ... that's all I can see. } } You owe the Oracle some of Granny's underthings ... oooooooer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me, oh great one, why do freshmen at service academys get yelled > at?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR MOTHER, SUPPLICANT!?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, please tell me: > > What can I do to make the voices go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't really want to.  One is your conscience, the other } is your libido.  Oh, wait, you mean the *other* voices.  Well, } There are several methods of accomplishing this task. } } 1)  Take a toothbrush and clean them out of your head.  Be careful to }     get deep inside the ear canal.  Didn't your mother always tell you }     to "clean between your ears" ? } } 2)  Play them against one another.  For instance, tell voice #34 that }     voice #18 is sleeping with voice #7, and stand back. } } 3)  Try to induce tinnitus by attending a loud rock concert, and sit }     as near to the band as possible. } } and the solution preferred by 6 out of 10 disgruntled postal workers: } } 4)  Try to shoot the voices immediately when you hear them.  You }     should carry a shotgun, because it's hard to miss with one. } } You owe the Oracle a silver bell and some mental floss.