Goto:

690, 690-01, 690-02, 690-03, 690-04, 690-05, 690-06, 690-07, 690-08, 690-09, 690-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am curled up with one leg under my butt and the other one stuck > under my armpit.  My left arm has somehow been stuffed into St. > Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth.  I am suspended upside > down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators.  A dentist has poked > her drill into my left molars and is probably writing her initials > there.  I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is socially > unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own cheek, > except more highly spiced.  I have been stuck on skiis and I am > currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a > second.  I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't > understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say > anything bad about it at all.  Seven carnivorous howling butterflies > have started to devour my left ear.  Fifteen rabid scientific > elephants have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for > explosive and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no" > to fifteen rabid scientific elephants?  A Space Pirate has pointed her > ray gun at me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is > no mean feat when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the > other one stuck under my armpit.  How can I get out of this fix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, oh supplicant, since you are in such dire straits I shall overlook } the lack of manners you have shown by neglecting to grovel properly and } save your worthless hide. } }   First: Screw social niceties and say what you think. It'll do a lot } for your morale. Next, Ask St. Amagon the woodchuck question. It'll } annoy him into a roar of rage and frustration, enabling you to get back } the use of

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Hey Oracle, >  What exactly is a voodoo lounge, anyway? >  Do those witch-doctor types hang out there, after a long day of > taking souls and placing curses? >  Is Keith Richards really a voodoo priest? > >  Just wondering.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's quite a story behind the Stones' last album.  Remember the } Disney film that came out a while back, "Cool Runnings", about the } Jamaican bobsled team?  It was actually a heavily reworked version of a } script that had originally been sent to Touchstone, about Haitian } zombies who go to Norway to compete in another winter downhill sport. } "Voodoo Luge" would star Danny Glover and Ellen Cleghorne, with an } original soundtrack by the Rolling Stones. } } Most of the songs on the album you know originally had lyrics relevant } to the film.  "Sparks Will Fly" was about a two-zombie run where the } luge flipped off the track and ran into the press box.  "Blinded by } Rainbows" was about a young zombie who misses a turn because he's awed } by the beauty of the daytime sky, which he hasn't seen since he was } undead.  "The Worst" was a blues song about the team coming in at last } place behind Botswana.  The only retitled track, of course, was "Luge } is Strong". } } Eventually Touchstone backed out of the film after major pressure from } the big bosses at Disney, who thought the premise was tasteless and } sent it to the script doctors to rework into a kids' film.  The } frantic Stones altered their album's name to the meaningless "Voodoo } Lounge" and rewrote most of the tracks. The only vestige of the } original project was the lycra-and-polypropylene luger's suit that } Charlie Watts could be seen wearing during the first few stops on } the Voodoo Lounge tour, before it caused him to break out in hives. } } You owe the Oracle a Sno-Cone.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Selamat pagi tuan Oracle besar. > Apa kabar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhhh, yes. } } Thank-you for the most flattering Selamat, my most chumber manklewig. } I think your besar is ziplier than a farklepop on toastun. } } Anyway, your queznel chamrod is most boinglery. I've kept a mugglewump } stir-fried in the bobler. Take a chaffledup any time you want, and your } pagi-tuan should clear up after a few slapslicks on the old liplegger. } } If not, consult your local dogslur.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious oracle who lights the sky with your brilliance, please > answer this question from a grovelling supplicant. > > Why can I not see electricity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh knave, if you wish to see electricity, stick a fork into an } electrical outlet. The oracle will guarantee that you will see } electricity.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life? > Thank you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excerpts from, "The Meaning of Life" by T.U. Oracle: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } The ultimate meaning of life is to attain Oracle-hood.  Ways to get } there include: } } 1. Imparting your vast knowledge upon lesser beings.  Often acheived by }       beating them over the head with your stack of dictionaries. } } 2. Gaining a vast knowledge from your superiors.  Often attempted by }       going to a post-secondary institution.  Being beaten over the }       head with a dictionary usually has the same results for lower }       cost. } } 3. Discovering weird things about the opposite sex.  (This is optional }       because no one has done that yet.) } } 4. Explaining weird things about the opposite sex.  (Even more rare }       than #3.) } } 5. Taking a shotgun and shooting every woodchuck in the country.  This }       will be used to releive stress that you will accumulate once you }       have attained Oracle-hood. } ... } } 14. Volunteering as an Oracle's priest.  It always helps to learn the }       trade by basking in another Oracle's presense. } } 15. Finding new and innovative ways to kill woodchucks.  No, placing }       them in the same room as lemurs has already been used.  And }       natural enemies don't seem to work either. } } 16. Code for food.  'nuff said. } ... } } 28. Find yourself a hot girlfriend.  Make sure she's kinky in bed.  In }       some cases, a luke-warm girlfriend will suffice, if all the hot }       ones have been taken.  Wisdom of the ages will follow. } } 29. Develop a nuclear weapon that only kills woodchucks. } } 30. Write a one thousand page essay on the humour, or lack thereof, in }       rec.humor.oracle.d.  And make the essay FUNNY. } ... } } 41. Develop a program, written half in assembler, half in ForTran, that }       will destroy all supplicants' questions about woodchucks AS IT IS }       BEING TYPED. } } 42. And lastly, the ability to entirely misunderstand any supplicant's }       question and respond with something entirely unrelated but mostly }       humurous helps. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle the name of a blind publisher.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most munificent Oracle, with unsurpassed intelligence (surpassed > only by  Dan Quayle) and incredible speed of wit (surpassed only by > Richard Nixon, and he's dead).  Please answer this question which I > pose for you (it's alright, I know you're slow, so I already figured > out the answer). > > Does Kirk die in "Star Trek: Generations" coming out on Stardate 18 11 > 94, or this just some nasty rumor started by the Romulans?  (or the > Klingons, he never could forgive them for the death of his son)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh but you've got a *ZOT* coming.  Lucky I'm in a good mood.  I } distinctly told Dan NOT to mention Murphy Brown.  Did he listen?! } } Anyawy, you simply misheard the rumor, which is true.  Kirk does } not "die" but he does "dye."  You'll notice his hair is } mysteriously darker than in the previous movie.  Yes, he also has } the film airbrushed again to shrink his... cargo hold. } } You owe the Oracle a VERY good grovel, you owe William Shatner a } bottle of "Just For Men", and you owe Dan Quayle a spell chekkir.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This won't take long.  You won't feel a thing...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably something your girlfriend is used to hearing. } } You owe the Oracle a woodchuck question. I've only had 42 of them } today.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle: > > By way of introduction, I am a professor of physics at Stanford > University. During my vacation in Hawaii, I decided to take a 3-hour > whale-watching tour. A sudden squall appeared, blowing us rather > severely off course, and we have found ourselves stranded on an > uncharted island. > > I have six companions in this crisis: the brave but ineffectual ship's > captain, his bumbling mate, a campy harlot who claims to star in 'cult' > films, a naive midwestern farmgirl, an arrogant snob who made a fortune > in oil, and his self-absorbed wife. > > While poking around the island's lagoon, I found a transmission line > with an Ethernet transciever on the end.  Using coconut silk and some > fire coral, I was able to fashion a primitive PowerBook.  The mail > utility works fine, although I seem to be unable to get Mosaic running. > > What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whatever you do, don't e-mail for help.  There's a fortune to be } made!  Create a video of your adventures, and divide the resulting } binary into 64K chunks;  we'll recombine them until you get Mosaic. } } When the show is over, you can switch to regional theater and shopping } center appearances. } } Since you owe the Oracle:  please pass my regards on to Maynard G. } Krebs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last year, Science Olympiad was held in Arizona, which lacks daylight > savings time.  This year, it will be held in your state of Indiana, > which is similarly lacking.  What do _they_ have against daylight > savings time?  I don't see anything subversive about it.  Uh-oh, > _they_'re after me again--gotta go!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Daylight savings, supplicant, is not the stuff of science.  It is } strictly for the esoteric intellectual poets.  Any good physicist knows } you can't 'save' daylight...it disobeys the principal of 'conservation } of mass'. The entire concept of daylight savings time is like trying to } make yourself taller by cutting off your head and standing on it. } } I often find these zen philosophers have a far different concept of } light than we more rigourous thinkers.  I once asked my friend Immanuel } Kant if he wanted to go out for pizza with me.  He responded 'No, } Thanks, I'm eating light.'  Wow, heavy.  I don't get it.  Must be one } of those things like 'what's the color of a sigh'. } } You owe the Oracle a changed light bulb.  You may request the } assistance of as many people like you as required.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me >                 O great being whose blemishes I am not worthy to > irritate, whose odours I am not enough to be repulse by, whose verbal > aftermath of spittle I am unfit to dodge.............. > > What's the point of anything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sharp bit at the end. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a picture of a porpoise.