Goto:

691, 691-01, 691-02, 691-03, 691-04, 691-05, 691-06, 691-07, 691-08, 691-09, 691-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you get to heaven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *I* get to heaven in my personal private flying saucer, piloted by } scantily clad french maids. How do *YOU* get to heaven?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, please tell me why I procrastinate on my school work > until the very last minute.  If I could only get it done ahead of time, > my life would be much less stressful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, could I get back to you on this? I've got a paper due tomorrow.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> {Sung like a Gregorian chant} > Oh Great-Magnificent-Prestiguous-OrrrAAAAcle > Whose circumfrance I am not worthy to calCULlaaate. > > Why does my life suck so badly, Oracle?  What did I EVER do to deserve > this life!?  Help me, please, Oracle... > > Have a Nice Day. :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C'mon, Mom, I told you never to call me here; I'm trying to work. } [. . .] } } I'm sorry.  I -know- I said I'd call last week, but I got swamped with } all these woodchuck questions and spent most of my waking hours } recharging the ZOT machine.  By the time I got home at night, I was } tired and it was too late to call. } [. . .] } } No, of -course- I don't love them more than you, but I've gotta job to } do here. } [. . .] } } Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit, Mom?  Your life doesn't } suck.  I mean, you've got a working ethernet connection, and I send you } all the woodchuck steaks you can eat twice a week.  What else do you } want from me? } [. . .] } } -Besides- a phone call, Mom.  I already said I was sorry about that.  I } promise I'll call you later this week -- woodchucks or no woodchucks -- } but I really gotta go now. } [. . .] } } Love you, too, Mom.  Bye!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps your remember this old song from your childhood: } }      "Tell me why" } } "Tell me why the stars do shine. }  Tell me why the ivy twines. }  Tell me why the skies are blue, }  and I will tell you just why I love you." } } This is the answer: } } "Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine. }  Anatropisms make ivy twine. }  Reilly diffraction makes skies to blue. }  Hormones and gonads, that's why I love you." } } You owe the Oracle a negotiated settlement to my most recent copyright- } infringement suit from the Estate of Isaac Asimov.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most vigorous oracle, who mastered swordsplay long ago, tell me: > > Who really was Conan of Cimmeria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arnold Schwarzenegger. } } Hmmm, that's not very funny and you supplicants are always demanding } funnier and funnier stuff.  Ok, how about these for a laugh.... } } Top 10 Causes of Friction in the } Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver Marriage } } 10. Language Barrier }  9. Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours }  8. Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke }  7. Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle }  6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe" }  5. Refuses to Learn Words to "Edelweiss" }  4. Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country }  3. Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig }  2. Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle }  1. Body Oil on the Upholstery } } Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines } } 10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!" }  9. "Oww!  A papercut!" }  8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!" }  7. "When I think about you, I touch myself." }  6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?" }  5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?" }  4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!" }  3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?" }  2. "Tell me, Oracle, tell me!" }  1. "Who else loves show tunes?" } } You owe the Oracle tickets to Terminator III.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> must...   find...    dilithium...    crystals...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try looking between the cushions of your sofa.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME HOW TALL IS THE SMALLEST ANT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let me look.  Hmmm...... uh hum....Ah, I see!  The smallest ant } is just tall enough where it's feet just *exactly* touch the ground. } Any shorter and it would have a real problem. } } You owe the Oracle another rubber tree plant.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, >       How would you define "spillmanesque"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask Exxon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows more about weather than Willard Scott, >       who always knows when to take out the umbrella, >       who can accually tell the different between each snowflake. > > Oracle, I'm currently sitting in the middle of a small electrical > storm, and the question occured to me:  What causes lightning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God rubbing the universe on his head and sticking it to the wall.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most beautiful thing in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Me. } } You owe The Oracle a bit more benefit of the doubt in future.