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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh wise Oracle tell me why I keep getting cravings for chocolate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because you keep bartering unimaginatively. If you keep trading } with the same craven crowd, don't be surprised if they keep trading } you cravings for chocolate. } } You need to work on your trading technique, and get involved in more } complicated deals. For example, if you go to your local video store, } you can probably get, like, water for chocolate. Then go to any high- } class china shop, where they're happy to take water ford crystal. Then } go to Superman, who specializes in crystal for tresses. For ideas on } what to do with the tresses, consult O. Henry's treatise, _The Gift of } the Magi_. } } You owe the Oracle a seat on the Zurich Chocolate Exchange.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just after prop 187 was passed in California, Pete Wilson ordered that > state funding for pre-natal care for illegal aliens (and those who look > like illegal aliens) be cut off. > On the premise that Pete Wilson is pro-life and believes that life > begins at conception, how can he deny aid to someone (the child) who > is, by federal law, a U S citizen at birth, and therefore not an > illegal alien?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %% Usenet Oracle Auto-Reply %% 18 November 1994  21:03:47 GMT %% } %% Diagnostic code 0x1D: Insufficient supplicant identification %% } } As of 16 November 1994, the Usenet Oracle is required by the statutes } of Indiana to verify the United States citizenship of all recipients } of his services. } } Please resubmit your question with a Subject line in the following } format: } }      Subject: tell me XXX-XX-XXXX County ST } } where "XX-XXX-XXXX" is your Social Security number, "County" is } the county in which you are registered to vote, and "ST" is the two- } letter postal abbreviation for your state. } } If you are a US citizen but lack a SS# and are not registered to vote, } you may obtain a temporary Social Security number for use in Oracle } posting *only* by uploading a .GIF or .JPG scan of your birth } certificate, with at least 200 dpi resolution at 100% size, } to moose.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/oracle/id via anonymous ftp. } } As of this time, non-citizens are still eligible to participate by } sending "ask me's"; however, a pending ruling by the Indiana Supreme } Court on the definition of Oracle "services" may change this } situation.  Please read notices on rec.humor.oracle or consult } with your country's embassy for further updates.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I find a pretty young girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The accepted technique on Usenet is to post a message to } alt.pictures.binaries.erotica (not .d, *no one* reads that) as } follows: } }     Subject: Want pix of pretty young girls!!! } }     Yes!!! Post them!!!!! The younger the better!!!! Naked }     hairless prepubescent jailbait!!!!!!  Pampers-clad }     ululating infantile proto-Lolitas!  Naked zygotes! }     Hell, I'll settle for a good photo of an ovum!! } } Statistically, you may expect the following breakdown of e-mail } responses: } }      54.3%     People letting you know you forgot to log off }      34.2%     People calling you a despicable bestial pervert }       8.5%     FBI agents setting up a sting operation }       2.0%     Jokers telling you to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for hot pix }       1.0      A pretty young girl who just happened to be logged }                onto Usenet for the first time, and who accidentally }                got onto alt.pictures.binaries.erotica, she's not }                sure how, but she read your post and she feels there's }                a warm, sensitive, but rather lonely young man behind }                it, and she'd like to correspond with you if she can }                figure out how her e-mail editor works, and she knows }                you're probably a long way away but she was planning }                to travel on spring break or maybe she could even get }                away over Christmas if they don't have family dinner at }                Aunt Jan's, and she's sure you won't ever need to look }                at those silly pictures again once you've met her, }                but she does need commitment, because the last guy }                she was with just wanted to use her, but she's sure }                you're not like that, are you? } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to your wedding.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> felt the repulsive hand crawling on her thigh.  Remembering > what happened last time, she didn't scream.  Instead, she > took a firm grip on her dinner fork, and plunged the tines

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} into her steak.  It was very good, medium-rare, with a tangy } barbeque sauce.  Intellectually she knew that the hand was a symptom } of the new medication she was taking, but it felt very real.  She } wanted to spring from her seat and dash out of the restaurant, but } she knew that if she did she would probably embarrass her date } yet again.  Instead she forced out a smile and took another

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Racle, > What happens after we die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After you die, there is a brief autopsy, whose results are never made } public.  A day later the secret service agent who was supposed to be } protecting you and Hillary is reported missing.  The next week, the } president pro tempore immediately signs a bill allowing assault weapons } to be sold at 7-11.  The funeral is really beautiful.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, grandiose Oracle, and other nice things....  I was wondering if you > could sate my drive for knowledge and answer the following question for > me....  It's been bugging me for days.  Ok, hours.  Ok, I just thought > it up. > > How many wooden nickles could a wooden nickle pickle if a wooden nickle > could pickle nickles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, this question has been bugging *me* for EONS.  It belongs } to a class of problems that we here call "WC-complete," the classic } example being of a w*******k c******g wood.  Here are some others: } } How many rooks would a book nook cook if a book nook could cook rooks? } } How much fame would a name game gain if a name game could gain fame? } } How much dough would a low crow stow if a low crow could stow dough? } } How many supplicants would the Oracle ZOT if the Oracle could ZOT } supplicants?  (This one is particularly interesting, since there is } active experimental work going on to find the answer.  You are } specially encouraged to volunteer.) } } Now, there's no very good way to find the solution to any of these } problems.  However, there are two theorems proven about them: } } 1. They're all equivalent.  That is, if you develop a technique to } solve one, it applies to them all. } } 2. They're a @%^!#$% pot of crock and a good way to get ZOTted. } } You may consider this a warning.  Should the vinegary, unpleasantly wet } handful of change in your pocket not be convincing, I'm sure we can } come up with something. } } You owe the Oracle a good, long apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty, omniscient Oracle, please help me. > >   At your suggestion, I jumped into hot lava to get the spiders off > me.  As you recall, this created another problem, removing the fourth > degree burns.  The trip to Antarctica you prescribed was successful, > but generated an infestation of penguins on my person.  Not only was > the bath you recommended to get rid of them inneffective, but the > smell of wet penguins attracted killer whales!  I called in David > Attenbourough to make a documentary, and indeed he scared away the > killer whales as you prophesied!  I still have a minor problem with > the penguins, but I'm growing used to them, so I won't ask for a > solution.  However, I now cannot seem to get rid of David > Attenborough.  In fact, he wants to make a 32 part documentary on my > life, called "The Penguin Man".  I do not have time to go through with > it, but I don't want to hurt his feelings, so please tell me, > >   How do I get David Attenborough off me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, OK, but it's not going to be easy. It's always hard to let a man } like David Attenborough down without hurting his feelings. Just tell } him that you're not THAT kind of guy, even though you are attracted to } penguins and vice versa. Be sure to tell him not to worry, that it's } not his fault, and you're sure he'll soon find someone else, someone } who is right for him. Tell him that you still want to be friends, but } you need a little space in your life. Finally, mention that you want to } introduce him to a friend of yours who studies the migration of Monarch } butterflies, and Attenborough will be off to South America before you } can say, "This program has been made possible by a grant from TRW." } } You owe the Oracle a lushly photographed Attenborough documentary of } Claire Danes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you tell me why a work colleague of mine insists on wearing a > different coloured toupe to his natural hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  There could be a number of different explanations for this phenomenon: } } a) He could be colour blind. } b) It was dark this morning when he rummaged in his toupe drawer, and } could not see that his favourite rug was a different colour to his own } locks. } c) He prefers two-tone hair as it makes him a talking point within his } office. } d) The offending hairpiece has been bleached by the strong artificial } lights in his office. } e) He can not afford to buy a new one (he is saving up for a hair } transplant operation which is extremely expensive, ask Elton John). } f) Whilst trying on a comedy colour toupe, some extra strong glue was } squeezed accidently on his balding patch, and now he can not get the wig } off for fear of giving himself a frontal lobotomy. } g) Aliens from the planet wigg, eager to try out their new toupe design, } have promised fame and fortune to him in exchange for a five year } modelling of one of their hairpieces. } h) He thinks that the object will help him pull chicks. } i) He stole it from a wig shop because he did not want toupe! } j) Or it could simply be that he is a complete fool, who does not give } any importence to his physical appearance. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of 'The age of Aquarius' and a styling brush.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    We all got together and drew lots, it was me. }    I drew lots, it was earth. }    Earth drew lots, it was your continent. }    The continent drew lots, it was your country. }    The country drew lots, it was your state. }    The state drew lots, it was your town. }    The town drew lots, it was your street. }    The street drew lots, it was your house. }    Your house drew lots, it was you. } }    What ? you mean all this happened, and nobody told you ? } }    You owe the Oracle a decent self-persecution complex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle! > > In 4 months I'll leave my peaceful existence in Denmark for 9 months of > study (and pleasure!) at the University of Chicago. Tell me; how is the > US today...how is Chicago...what is important for me to know about the > whole thing? > > Garbi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome, Garbi, to the bounteous United States of America!  We have } had an imporant election, as you may know, and we welcome visitors } with open arms, so long as you do not intend to stay like the } parasitical foreigner that you are and take jobs away from our } red-blooded Americans.  Upon entrance into the United States you will } just be required to declare your intention to study temporarily, and } to sign a simple oath testifying that you recognize Jesus Christ as } your personal savior and the Republican Party as His emissary on } earth. } } Since you are from Denmark, you can expect a delay at Customs while } your baggage is carefully searched for child pornography and illicit } drugs.  When we find it--and we will--you will be housed in one of our } many new jails, and under our progressive new "one strike and you're } out" law you will be sentenced to life in prison without parole. } Please do not expect cable TV in your cell, it is not a Howard } Johnson's hotel!  The black-and-white suit that you will be issued for } your work on our highways is yours to keep. } } When you escape from prison you are always welcome to purchase a } firearm at one of our many fine gun shops.  Happily, there is no } longer any limit on assault weapon purchases!  We would suggest that } you confine your target practice to Mexicans crossing the border, but } Europeans are always welcome to join in our quaint American tradition } of shooting at the White House for good luck. } } Enjoy your stay in the United States, and you will be so pleased that } you did not follow your first inclination to study in St. Petersburg! } The United States today has everything the former Soviet Union had } to offer, and much more!!