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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OOOohhhhh..  Is this your 1 millionenth question?  Is it, is it?  Do I > win a prize for asking the 1 millionenth question??????  Do I, do I, do > I???? > > (Ooopss..  Almost forget.  You great majestic, tremendous, award > winning Oracle, please answer this even though my grovel is in the > wrong place.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For your grovel in the wrong place, you owe the Oracle a debt in the } wrong place. } } Yes!  This is the one millionth question.  And, in an astounding } coincidence, it's also the first non-woodchuck question ever received! } That's right!  The previous 999,999 questions have all been about the } antics of our little furry fiends...er, friends.  Every day, reaching } back to the primordial mists of time, it's been woodchucks! } Woodchucks!  Woodchucks!  WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Answering the moronic } supplicants' pathetic questions about...wood... and CHUCKING... Day and } night, woodchucks!  Do I get a break?  NO!  Do I get an intelligent } QUESTION?  NO!!!  SOME CREATIVITY?  HA!  A LITTLE THOUGHT?  PERISH } IT!!!  I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!  I'M GOING INSANE!!!!!! } } "Hey, Orrie, put that down.  Orrie?  Orrie!  No...no!  Not..." } } ZOT!! } } Die you furry scumballs!  Die!!  DIE!!!  DIE!!!!!!!! } AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! } } ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT!  ZOT! } } When all was finished, only the pungent smell of singed fur drifting } from the temple remained...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle: > > Would this be good poetry to send to the girl I love? > > It is not in Boulder > That I grow older > I'm only high by a mile > When I see you smile.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your girlfriend uses more care in reading your poem than you } did in writing it -- girlfriends are like that sometimes -- she } may read more into your words than you intended.  Here are some } possible ways in which your poem can be interpreted. } }      "I wonder if I can still think up rhyming words after five }      beers?" } }      "Hello, I'd like to send flowers to ... they cost HOW MUCH?! }      Let me call you back." } }      "You remind me of a really good buzz." } } In order to better judge its romantic content, we have translated } your poem into French, one of the world's most romantic } languages, and back into English again.  Here is the result. } }      The longer I stay out of Boulder }      The more elderly I become }      But only when you bare your teeth }      Do the drugs kick in at last. } } This approach can be effective surprisingly often.  The final } decision must be yours, but the Oracle strongly suggests against } enclosing with your poem any locks of hair, fingernail clippings, } or bodily appendages.  Never mind why; just trust me. } } You owe the Oracle a lovely corsage.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous oracle, >       please tell me why we put the stuffing in the turkey's ass

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is to commemorate what the Pilgrims did to the Indians *after* } the first Thanksgiving. } } You owe the Oracle a yam.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Please tell me, if I have a drawer full of odds and ends and I remove > all but one item from the drawer, what do I have left?  An odd or an > end? > > Thanks for taking your time to help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a very good question, I'm glad you asked.  The answer, of } course, is very simple.  It is both an odd and an end.  If you removed } an even number of things, what is left must be an odd.  And if you } removed an odd number of things, it must also be an odd, since if it } were an end, it would be very odd to find it in a drawer full of odds, } thereby making it an odd regardless.  And since you have reached the } end of the odds in the drawer, it is also an end.  This answer is also } an odd and an end, because it is obviously very odd, and also at an } end. } } You owe the oracle a rather strange posterior.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, most holy, most unbelievable peachy and keen, please > answer this humble supplicant's query.... > > Have you ever had virgin sacrificed to you? I am really interested in > how it works. You see, I am preparing to commit my first virgin > sacrifice (finals coming up and all) and I am really at a loss for > protocol. I mean, how can you make sure she really IS a virgin? Just > cause she says she is doesn't mean she is. And what if I accidentally > sacrificed a non-virgin, while under the impression that she was one? > Would this negate the sacrifice and bring down the wrath of the gods? > Do really, really ugly virgins count?? > > I am sorry to be such a bother, but I don't want to mess up, being my > first time and all. Can you please give your groveling supplicant some > advise??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grovelling Suppliment, } Sacrificing a virgin will do you no good.  All that } would happin is that you would get blood on your study notes.  Now on } the other hand try to sacrifice a mango and you shall reep the benefits } of this ancient ritual that dates back even before me. I believe the } first mango sacrifice took place on Atlantis-this is what made it such } a wealthy land, that is until they tried to sacrifice a virgin and } ended up sinking into the ocean. The ceremony: get the mango and go out } side, place the mango on the ground and sing your prayer to the god of } your choice, once the song has ended step on the mango until it is nice } and mooshy, pick it up and place it under your pillow and then you will } do well on all your finals.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so knowladgeable: > >       Please enlighten me on the reason(s) why hot dogs come in > packages of eight, and hot dog buns come in packages of six??????  Why > o Why is this so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! } I get this question almost as much as I get the STUPID WOODCHUCK } question...  O.K... here's the answer... once and for all... These are } made for the typical American family... one mother, one father, and } 2 children.  The father, of course, eats two hot dogs with buns. } The mother also eats a hot dog and a roll, while the older child } refuses the hot dog and instead gets a bowl of cereal and no dessert. } The youngest child, who is too young to eat a whole hot dog, eats it } sliced up, and without a roll.  Therefore, this is good for two meals. } }                  Hot Dogs         Rolls         Bowls of Cereal } Father              2               2                  0 } Mother              1               1                  0 } Oldest Child        0               0                  1 } Youngest Child      1               0                  0 } } Times two meals     8               6                  2 } } See... no problem. } } You owe the oracle a large box of Frosted Flakes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Magnificent Oracle, who bestrides the world like a colossus but isn't > in the least bit overweight, > > I've often heard it said that faith can move mountains. Well I've been > trying to move Ben Lawers to the middle of Hackney Marshes, but can't > seem to build up enough faith, even though I've got to the point of > being genuinely astonished when it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you've noticed, have you? Here's what Intel faxed me on the } subject: } }       "Intel has detected a subtle flaw in the precision of the }       mountain-moving operation for the Faith processor. For rare }       cases (one in nine billion possible moves), the precision of }       the result is reduced. } }       "This is not a problem. Intel's extensive testing has }       demostrated that the loss of precision is slight and extremely }       rare. } }       "An average user could encounter incidents of reduced }       precision once in every 27,000 years of use. The user is much }       more likely to encounter issues with other subsystems, such as }       memory or prostrate problems. } }       "Concerned users doing extensive mountain operations requiring }       extraordinary precision who desire further details can call }       Intel at 408-765-8914." } } The facts are as follows: } }       1) Instead of Hackney Marshes, Ben Lawers has been moved to }          Johore Bahru, where he's engaged in devouring a truckload }          of lichees and rambutans charged to your Visa card. } }       2) You cannot trust your faith to give correct results for any }          operation anymore. } }       3) Intel isn't going to replace your defective faith, because }          you are an average user. } } You owe the Oracle your participation in his class action suit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep hearing people say, "This will work for the time being." Who, > when, or what is "the time being"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Time Being is the elder, unacknowledged bastard son of Necessity. } He often covers for his stepbrother Invention. His real name is Kluge, } although he usually assumes false names like Workaround, Temporary } Solution, or for big companies, Fix. He's been with Mankind almost } as long as the Problems, which got started when Old Yahu-Wahu created } the Universe, and he's been gaining a lot of recognition in recent } years. He has a well-established reputation in software engineering, } but he also has a strong presence in human corporations, rank } hierarchies, and bureaucracies everywhere. Look for this guy. Learn to } recognize him. He has more power than you may realize.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle tell me the plan for my future.  Who shall be my > husband?  What shall I do for a career?  Where shall I live, preferably > in Canada.  How many children will I have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Que sera, sera: Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours -- } } Oh, excuse me. Sometimes I just forget myself for a moment. Okay, here } goes. } } The plan for your future is that you will find a job in a goat milk } processing factory in Saskatchewan where you will be the curd manager. } Since the aroma of goat milk will be good for your complexion, you will } remain beautiful for many years, and many men will compete for your } attentions. At the end, though, you will marry Howard Krinzmaker, a vat } tender at the same plant. } } Honestly, Howard is not such a bad guy when you get to know him. The } two of you will be saddened by not having children, though, and Howard } will rightly blame himself, due to that accident with the stirring } machine that he's going to get into this coming February. Fortunately, } Canada has health care for everybody. Unfortunately, they can't replace } SOME parts with prosthetics. } } After you have been happily (except for the lack of children, that is, } happily) married for thirty years, Howard dies, falling into an } unattended aging tank. His body isn't discovered for eighteen months, } however, and by that time he has contributed to seventy of those big } wheels of Saskatchewan Gouda, adding a flavor that ignites a new taste } sensation that sweeps Canada. } } You live on for another ten years after Howard's death before your } faulty understanding of the Metric system leads you to a tragic death } by drowning after you mistakenly tell the vat operator to pour another } megaliter of whey into the tank. Like many other things, goats' milk } can be harmful if taken to excess. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Guybrush Threepwood } <an53711@anon.penet.fi>) $42 Canadian dollars. How much is that in real } money?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle, will L and I get together?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry to say that K and J will always come between you. } } U O the Oracle another letter.