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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why does mud time out whenever it gets interesting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh brave and foolish one, you have been led down a strange and dark } path. The way of mud is not for the likes of you. Only a high priest may } deign to converse with mud, and no one but the gods involve themselves } in the daily affairs of mud. The reason mud times out whenever it gets } interesting is to keep your feeble mind from imploding with the pressure } of so much Truth versus the negative pressure of Ignorance within your } speck of a mind. } The Oracle has sprechen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is it that it is now five-thirty in the morning, and the > last time I saw my bed was at nine yesterday morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are a few answers to this seemingly simple, though complexily } phrased, question. } One is that, through a momentary disturbance on the time-space continuum } caused by a belch from Demogorgon, you were projected foreward through } time, and thus have a few classes to make up. } Another is that someone set your clock ahead. It's actually 10 pm, and } time to sleep. } A third possibility, contingent on not getting very much sleep, is that } you misread the clock, which ACTUALLY says NINE thirty. Go to sleep. } The fourth possibility, which any true disciple of the Oracle would have } discarded without a thought, is that you didn't go to sleep. Since time, } as a general rule, moves foreward, and at a constant rate, time } progressed to 5:30. Fool. } You owe the Oracle your right testicle for being such a ninny. } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are people who excel in something I have strived for always such > nice people, thereby making it hard for me to hate them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What does this tell you?  You clearly were not intended to hate them. } } The correct way to deal with such people is to 'collect' them rather } than compete with them.  By making them your friends, you convert them } from the opposing team to your team, allowing you to take pleasure in } their accomplishments rather than sorrow. } } You will also discover that the methods which they use to excel are not, } in fact mysterious secrets, but techniques which can be acquired by } sharing their presence.  Being in good company is a necessary compliment } to being good yourself. } } Also take this as a lesson to remember to take pride in those things you } do easily which others envy.  It is often the things we do without } effort, that we forget to recognize as valuable. } } You owe the oracle a book by Proust.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, tell me this. > How might a gain the power of creation, and the power to alter the world > around me? > That is, powers beyond what the average mortal possesses.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle Speaks thusly:  Good question.  Hmmmm Let's take these one at } a time.  Power of Creation:  Have a kid..  or build a crystal radio.. } your choice.  Power to Alter the world:  I assume you mean in a Big } way..Anyone can alter the world a little.  Steal, and explode a } thermonuclear device...preferably in a small, politically important and } unstable country.  And finally..  Powers beyond what the average mortal } possesses:  What do you care?  Your just an average mortal, and } knowledge such as that is not for you.  Remember, the Oracle (and Mom) } knows best.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sagacious Oracle, please attend to my pitifully ephemeral verbiage, > you whose nose I am not fit to pick, > whose radiance lights the nooks and crannies of my soul with karmic > margarine, > whose lights are ALWAYS on, > answer me this, if you would be so kind; > what do you get when you cross a wombat with a turnip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Groveling one, } } I think you have been attending an institution of higher learning too } long.  Your teachers have tought you very well in the art of groveling } and kissing ass.  Especially for such trival questions.  I think it is } time for you to move on to bigger and better things.  Get a real job and } make some money kissing ass for big bucks. } } As any biologist knows, wombats are animals and turnips are vegtables. } When the two are crossed, the vegetarians get very upset!!  If you don't } belive me, find a vegetarian and invite on a backpacking trip.  Tell } them you will provide all the food.  Then only pack meat for all the } meals.  Don't pack any vegtables or fruit!! } } Make sure you select a nice long trail that dosen't come anywhere near a } store.  Hike 20 miles into the woods and then tell the vegetarian that } the menu for the trip is all meat. } } If you survive the rest of the trip, you can ask me another question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have a certain admirable Zen-like attitude that, nonetheless, annoys } the HELL out of the Oracle.  Yet, I will deign an answer: }   Take your right arm, and tuck it behind your back so that the hand is } in your left armpit.  Unzip your pants and let your genitalia.  Put your } left hand behind your head so that it rests on your right shoulder.  Now } run around shouting "I GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU!  POOLLLY PARROT! } THIS....  IS AN EX-PARROT!" repeat forever.  Sooner or later, you'll run } into something.  Something HARD.  And you'll fall.  Get back up and keep } going.  (Preferably outside.  Preferably in the snow, or possibly a } freezer.) Another possibility is that you'll get locked up.  Keep } shouting, but mix in "I'm NOT Napolean!  I'm CAESAR!  Et TU, BRUUUTE!" } (Roll the r's, and repeat the last until you get acquainted with a biker } type who likes body cavity searches) }   This is how you can become a true disciple of the Oracle.  (YOUR path, } anyhow!) As you have asked, now and forever shall your soul be doomed to } big fat hairy men who love to give molten lead enemas, unless you follow } the method I have granted you. } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is cheesewhiz really made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beware, frail mortal! You are attempting to delve into a secret that has } killed many before you! You must tell NO ONE the answer to this, as the } future of mankind will be forever changed if it leaks out. } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } >The secret is: Cheesewhiz is the byproduct of an industrial process } used to make Nectar of the Gods. Lacking a good dump to put it in, the } Gods sent an adman to get rid of the stuff here. Unfortunately, eating } Cheezewhiz causes severe karmic degeneration, and eventual loss of the } soul. And combined with Coke, the consequences could be DIRE! <Legend } has it that overinulgence of spam, Coke, Cheezewhiz, and Ring Dings } shall bring about the Anti-Christ, who shall lead the world into a time } of great woe.> BEWARE! } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been dating this person for about a year now.  How can I find out > if I really love her ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my son, this is a very simple question. There is but one way to } determine this. But BEWARE! There are some things MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO } KNOW!! }   To determine if you love her, imagine all her most minor faults } magnified. As horrifying as this may be, there is yet one more step. } Imagine........................................... being married to } ............................ HER MOTHER!! } }   If you survive this, you are strong indeed. This is a test not many } can pass, and those who do think long and hard about the irony of life. } } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do I do about the green martians?  The red ones I can deal with, > you hit them on the nose with a dart or and rubber band and they > disintegrate.  But the green ones have no noses and there seem to be > a lot more of them this year.  Please answer quickly, I am nearly out > of acetone and I'm afraid to open my closet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the green martians ARE much more difficult. You see, this is all a } test of your karmic energy, and of the hallucinigenic nature of certain } substances. }   The method of disintigrating ALL martians is SURPRISE! Being hit by a } rubber band or dart in the nose is enough to startle most martians into } forgetting to hold themselves together. }   Popping a paper bag, a balloon, or one of those loud horns they have } at games should do the trick. } You owe the Oracle two green heebie-jeebies and a basselope spleen. } The Oracle has sprechen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of my nasal hairs extends right down to my chin. Is this a record ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } The Oracle has spoken.