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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that you will often get a series of questions about a certain > topic? For example, recently you have had a bunch of vampire questions, > and even more recently there have been lots of questions about > chocolate. Also, is this leading up to something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Questions about the same topic tend to come in at the same time because } of the mass mind control currently being practiced in the basements of } many "normal" American citizens in collaboration with the Communist } Party and the Roman Catholic Church. Using a commodore 128, a paper } clip, a Victrola, and everyday refrigerator magnets (ex: "My Child is } an Honor Student at Eastern Poquadolini Community College") these } individuals are able to control the ideas of much of the world's } population.  The magnet is used to establish contact with the } satellites in the Vatican City.  The computers in the Vatican City } communicate information to Red China. } } During the night, AM radio waves transmit signals from Red China to the } general populace of the United States.  Recent movies such as "Like } Water for Chocolate" and "Interview with the Vampire" have fascinated } many. Unconsciously, they began to transmit thoughts regarding vampires } and chocolate.  A few poor souls wrote me asking questions. } } What this all leads up to is that this little secret proves the power } of the media.  It also proves the commodore still has marketshare.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <sound of Aurora softly playing> > > Oh great and mighty Oracle, who is omnipotent and omniscient, who is > the most beautiful being in this general area of the universe, who ZOTs > people like people crush annoying bugs, who can certainly answer this > tiny little question, I grovel in thy magnificent sight... > > Please tell me, why in thy divine wisdom hast thou created the > greenhouse-effect? > > Yours truly forever, > > A scared dutchman...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, let's get this straight:  it's not an effect. } Transporters, phasers, light sabers -- those are effects.  Greenhouses } don't have to be faked up by Industrial Light and Magic; they actually } work. } } So, anyway, it's like this:  for all kinds of technical reasons, many } plants have a short growing season, due to some way-too-fussy } temperature requirements.  (No, I won't get into *that* now.  Send in } another question if you're really interested.)  One winter day, the } Oracle was sitting around and got an urge for strawberries.  Do you } know what it's like to get strawberries in the middle of winter?  In } Indiana? } } The Oracle looked into regular jet shipments from Southern California, } but decided that the environmental toll was *way* out of line just for } strawberries.  Caviar, maybe, but not strawberries.  Putting together a } greenhouse seemed like a much more, you know, Green solution. } } Once the first greenhouse was set up, word got out, and now we have all } kinds of plants growing at the wrong time of year. } } Next time around, I'll have roses peak in mid-February.  That'll get } those florists back for their profiteering! } } You owe the Oracle a quart of strawberries, a magnum of Champagne, and } twelve hours with Julia Roberts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O wise and truly wonderful Oracle... > > I have an opportunity to cheat on my wife with wonderful 18 year old. > Should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*. I *know* losing at contract bridge can be frustrating, but } cheating is not the answer. Particularly in this case. Let's review the } bidding, shall we? } }        You      Your wife     Your 18-year-old niece    Omar Sharif } }      1 Spade     Double             2 Hearts               Pass }      4 Hearts     Pass             4 No Trump              Pass } } It is at this point that your wife and Omar Sharif started making out } on the coffee table, giving you the opportunity to cheat by signalling } your partner what slam she should go for. Don't do it. Cheating at } bridge is dishonest, unsportsmanlike, and in this case unnecessary. } Your partner's bid, under the Blackwood Convention, requires you to } respond by bidding 5 in one of the four suits, thereby indicating how } many aces you have. Thus, you have the opportunity to convey the } desired information perfectly legally and ethically. } } Now turn off the computer and get back to your game. Your wife and } Mr. Sharif will be done any minute now, and you don't want them to get } suspicious. } } You owe the Oracle a trusty manservant to do his bidding.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Dear Oracle, >      I hear you are the wisest of all, greatest of great. My question > is this, there is a present under my Christmas tree that is wrapped > and has my name on it, it says from Santa. >  It is in a box 27"longx23"widex20"in height. It weighs 12.32 lbs. and > rattles when I shake it. > Please tell me what it is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A baby with a rattle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, in this festive Christmas season sometimes the little > players get overlooked.  Please tell me: > > Whatever happened to the 10th and 11th reindeer?  You know, Olive, who > used to taunt Rudolph so much, and Rudolph's lover Thenow? > > Eh? > > You know, like in the song: > > "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..." > "Thenow the reindeer loved him..." > > Yours etc, > Deeply Concerned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I can feel your concern. What happened was, one evening after a } hard day leading that sleigh, Rudolph came home a little early. As he } walked through the door, much to his surprise there was his beloved } Thenow in the massive arms of Olive. Rudolph was shocked. Olive had his } hand on Thenow's little puffy white tail while Thenow was stroking } Olives rack. Well Rudolph stood there a few moments in shock and then } finally said unbelievingly "What is going on here?", as if he couldn't } tell. Thenow, being the little vixen she was, tried to get out of it, } without any thought of Olive she said "Oh Rudolph thank Santa you're } here, Olive came over looking for you and when I said you weren't here } he said that I would do, barged in and started taking advantage of me". } Now Olive was totally shocked because this was his little dear, the one } who was only with Rudolph for his "bucks", but now she was turning her } back on him to cover up for herself. Well he figured since this was how } she really felt he might just as well tell Rudolph the truth. So in } anger and frustration he screams "You lying tramp!! You invited me over } just as you have for the past six months." Now Rudolph not knowing now } who to believe ran straight at Olive, jumped on him and pinned him to } the floor. Well by now that little nose was all aglow. As he held him } there he asked Thenow who was telling the truth. By now Thenow is in } tears trying to play out her little mascarade. She says whimpering "I } am baby, dont you believe me. We've been together since that Christamas } you led Santa's sleigh for the first time. Remember?" Well Rudolph } finally got off of Olive and suprisingly helps him up. He looks at } Thenow and says, "You know since day one I haven't trusted you. I just } kept you around for a piece of tail. I've known all along about you and } Olive. I was hoping that you would come to me and tell me about it, and } if you did I would let everything else pass like water. But this was } your last chance babe. Pack your things and get out." He turned to Olive } and says "Wanna go get a drink?" Olive looks at him in surprise. Is } this the same guy he always makes fun of? The one he laughs at and } calls names? Well he doesn't seem as bad as I thought. He looks at } Rudolph and says "I would've thought you'd be pissed at me" Rudolph } says sadly "NO Olive, you just got caught up in the manipulations of a } little doe with a nice tail. It wasn't your fault at all you just } followed your instincts." So Olive and Rudolph walked out the door and } as they did Rudolph turned to Thenow and said "Be gone when I get back. } I think you better find another job too, because when the man finds out } he is not gonna be to happy. Goobye my dear." And Rudolph leaves and } quietly shuts the door. As Thenow sat there many things crossed her } mind, 'Why did I do it? Rudolph was good to me and I had to go mess it } up for a good buck.' Of all the thoughts that passed through her head } only one seemed to be the answer. So she grabbed the pistol Rudolph } always kept by the bed and got it ready. She wrote Rudolph a note } apologizing and telling him she loved him but she made the mistake of a } lifetime. Then she placed the note on her lap and placed the gun to her } head and ended it all. Olive and Rudolph became good friends after } that. Rudolph never was made fun of again. } } Well now you see why they don't tell this story often around the } Christmas fire.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light and you blew > your horn, would the other guy have time to get out of the way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, he didn't, and I'm really starting to get sick of people bringing } this up.  I mean, sheesh, an can't an Oracle make one little mistake } without everyone bringing it up all the time?  I was young then, it was } a brand-new custom job from the new Italian dealership, I wanted to see } how fast it could go.  How was I to know there was someone else out on } the expressway?  Look, I did the community service.  I went to the } classes.  I have paid my dues.  In some parts, you can still hear that } horn blaring, and you mortals just can't drop it, can you?  You think } you're soooooo funnyx } } You owe the Oracle a grape soda and a sincere apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Powerful Oracle, who knows and sees all, > > My question is simple for a mind as great as yours: > > How many pickled peppers *DID* Peter Piper pick? > (Or, as an alternative question: What question should I ask to get "You > owe the oracle a flute and a codpiece."? That one is for a friend.) > > A querelous supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Oh curious one, the answer to your question changes with the } season. At this time of year, the correct answer is 78. The All-Knowing } Oracle will explain: } }      12 pickled peppers perking }      11 pickled peppers pecking }      10 pickled peppers pelting }       9 pickled peppers pricking }       8 pickled peppers parking }       7 pickled peppers plucking }       6 pickled peppers putting }       5 pickled peppers packed }       4 pickled peppers popped }       3 pickled peppers pooped }       2 pickled peppers plopped }      and a pickled pepper in a pear tree. } }      You must repay the Oracle by leading a group of no less than five } other persons in singing this answer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of wonderous knowledge.  Knower of all knowns.  Seer of all > scenes.  Beholder of all bee-holds.  Please, oh gracious one, answer my > humble plea. > > I was just informed by my parents that I am not their natural child. > In fact, they are telling me that I am an alien, and they want me to > put on these stupid blue tights, a blue shirt with a big "S" on it, a > red cape, and wear red underwear over my tights.  Then they want me to > fly around helping people in distress! > > Now my questions are: > >         1) Who in their right mind would go around wearing this @#*%?! > >         2) How am I ever going to get rich helping people all the time? > > and     3) How am I ever going to find someone like me? > > Thank you for your help, > >         CK - Smallville, KS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear Calvin, if anyone should know who would wear that get-up, it } would be a successful designer like you. IMO, however, it's the sort of } innovation that would probably go over well in a spring collection in } Rome--simple, flashy, with a certain je-ne-sais-quas about it. If } you're not rich enough already, I'm sure you could charge a fortune for } it. } } How are you ever going to find someone like you? Well, if you'd like I } can get you Georgio Armani's phone number. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to feed Kate Moss.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie: > > This new-age girl just left our staff, and I'm assigned to take over > all of her programs. I was trying to debug this one section, but I > can't figure out how it works. Can you Help me? > . > . > ..bunch of weird stuff.. > . > . >   Sym *Sx; >   Sx = add_token(TOKSTR(ident->) ); >   Sx->lnext = NULL; >   list->record_kind = IDLISTREC; >   SRIDLIST(list->) = Sx; >   do_magic_spell("make this program work correctly\n"); >   Sx->lnext = iota[0]; > > Love, GLORIA

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're asking about the "do_magic_spell" function, right?  That } function is not one of the library functions specified by the } ANSI/ISO C standard.  It is available on several platforms, but it } requires special hardware if it's going to work correctly. } } If you're using an IBM PC (or clone), you need a SpellCaster Pro (TM) } card, or compatible.  It must be the Pro version, with Pentacle } processor and 32-bit magical energy portals, or you will get } *very* odd results.  (Ask what "undefined behavior" means on } comp.lang.c if you want some examples.) } } If you're on a Macintosh, you need the external CandyApple magical } interface, with light wand.  It hooks up via AppleTalk, and has an } additional telepathic communication channel. } } On Sun workstations (SunOS 4.1 or Solaris), you have to replace the } CPU with a PowerSparc 5.  Unfortunately, Sun was using Pentiums to } design this CPU, and so it doesn't quite work yet.  Expect to see a } product announcement in the fourth quarter of 1995. } } On IBM MVS systems, all you need is somebody who *really* understands } JCL. } } If you were wondering about the syntactic oddities in the program, } I'm not going to tell you about that.  You'll have to grovel properly } first. } } You owe the Oracle a crystal ball with an X.21 serial interface.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I become a better person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Live a simple and blameless life, then ask me a question without } grovelling, and you might get reincarnated as one. } } You owe the Oracle a report on the Afterlife. } } [<ZOT>]