|
} The true story is actually more complicated than either of the
} possibilities you mention:
} ------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} [Scene: a hidden chamber underneath the Sphinx. The Oracle and Lisa,
} wearing pith helmets, are standing over a large box, overlaid with
} gold, and decorated with cherubim.]
}
} Oracle: We've finally done it, Lisa. We've found the List Ark -- the
} box containing the original list of goofy questions God gave to
} the ancient Hematites.
}
} Lisa: Oh, Orrie, you're wonderful.
}
} [They embrace. Suddenly, a shadowy figure appears at the door.]
}
} David Feldman, the _Imponderables_ guy: Very touching. [He pulls out
} a gun.] I'll be taking that, if you please.
}
} Oracle: But that's not fair . . .
}
} Feldman: Fair? Is it fair that you have an entire net groveling at your
} feet, when all you do is make wiseass remarks, whereas I, who
} at least attempt to answer the questions I am given, must linger
} on the "Humor" shelf at Barnes and Noble, hoping that some random
} passerby will be willing to shell out ten bucks to find out why
} clocks run clockwise? Now stand aside, friend -- I'd hate to have
} to put a hole in you.
}
} Oracle: Wait a minute -- you can't kill me. I'm immortal.
}
} Feldman: Hmm . . . true. We appear to be at an impasse . . .
}
} Voice from the door: Not for long. [Two figures emerge out of the
} shadows: Cecil Adams and his sidekick Ed Zotti. Cecil is holding a
} pistol, and Ed is carrying some kind of complicated raygun device.]
} Ah, I see you've noticed my latest invention -- the patented
} Straight Dope Laboratories Immortal-Disintegrator. One move out of
} you, Oracle, and Ed here will blow you into kingdom went. Right,
} Ed?
}
} Ed: Yes, master.
}
} Cecil: I'll be taking the Ark, now. Oh, come now, don't look so glum.
} After all, I deserve it more than either of you -- I answer
} questions *and* make wiseass remarks.
}
} Voice from the door: Not so fast. [In one smooth motion, Marilyn Vos
} Savant leaps into the room, grabs Ed Zotti, and holds a gun to his
} head.] That box is mine, all mine. Ha -- you have to get up pretty
} early to outsmart the smartest human being in the world . . .
}
} Cecil: All right, take it.
}
} Feldman: What? Are you nuts? Give the Ark to that --
}
} Cecil: Look, I've still got a gun pointed at you, and I say she gets
} it. Are you all right, Ed? [Ed nods, bravely. Cecil addresses Vos
} Savant:] Just whatever you do, don't open that Ark.
}
} Vos Savant: Try to tell *me* what to do, will you? -- You who got the
} Monty Hall problem wrong! I'll open any ark I want. [She goes to
} open the List Ark.]
}
} Feldman: Umm . . . I think I'll be going now. [He slips out]
}
} Cecil: Don't look, Ed! Don't look!
}
} [Vos Savant opens the Ark, and a huge Spielbergian light show emerges.
} Cecil and Ed shut their eyes tightly. Vos Savant doesn't, and turns
} into a pillar of salt. The Oracle and Lisa, being immortal, get to
} watch all the pretty lights. Eventually, the light show goes back into
} the Ark, the Ark closes, and Cecil and Ed can open their eyes again.]
}
} Lisa: That was *so* *cool*.
}
} Oracle: Yes, it was rather entertaining. So, what do we do with the Ark
} now?
}
} Cecil: Hmm . . . clearly, even I had underestimated the power of the
} List of Goofy Questions. Clearly, it can't be allowed to fall into
} anyone's hands, even mine. We must put it someplace where nobody
} will be able to take advantage of it's awesome power.
}
} Oracle: How about the Internet? Nothing useful ever comes out of there.
}
} Cecil: An excellent idea. [Looks at the salt-pillar.] We'd better ship
} Vos Savant back to _Parade Magazine_. Fortunately, it looks like
} she'll still be able to write her column. [Turns back to the Oracle
} and Lisa:] So, anyone for a game of bridge?
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a John Williams score.
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