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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello oracle, > > yesterday i saw a comic-movie of batman, and, you know (of course), i > want to know the meaning of words like "SPLASH", "BOW" and "KAZONK". > What do this words mean? Please help me... > >         your german slave and servant >         Frank

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  SPLASH: "I am in intense pain.  The force of your strike has caused a }           sufficient amount of liquid to spill from my body to cause an }           audible sound upon the pavement." }  BOW: "I would say 'Ouch', but my jaw has been displaced several inches }        to the left." }  KAZONK: [CENSORED] }  KAPOW: "It is a good thing that my lips are swollen to the size of }          Vienna pork sausages, or I would make disparaging remarks }          about your feminine tights." }  ZAP (Robin only): "I will pretend to be in agony, but I am merely }                     pretending in order to protect your fragile }                     pre-pubescent ego." } }  You owe the Oracle a good KAZONK.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help!1 > tell me who is the better choice > Mary ann or Ginger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, } A tale of a supplicant } Who watches TV all day long: } A vegetative plant } } He stares at the women on the screen } He's really in a bind } He wants to be with one of them } But he can't make up his mind } Can't make up his mind } } And so he asks the Oracle } To help him choose between } The All-American farm girl } And the B-movie queen } The B-movie queen } } The Oracle bravely attempts } to be funny and sublime } With stuff like this to work with } It's an uphill climb } } No spark!  No life!  No thought at all } No originality } If this query were graded } It'd certainly get an "E". } } So listen close my supplicant } And hear the O's reply: } Your dream girl is not on TV } She's out there in real life! } } You owe the Oracle a better question, and Catherine Bach from } "The Dukes of Hazzard".  Quality television at its finest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, > what is the value of an chicken counted before having hatched?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right pal, cliche police, please step away from your terminal. } What were you doing?  Don't give me that line.  We both know what's } going on here and I'm going to have to write you up.  Let's see... } }      1. Use of two or more cliches in one sentence } }      2. Attempting to count chickens before hatched }         despite being told not to } }      3. Attempting to con a net entity into committing }         offense number 2 } }      4. Failure to include a proper grovelling cliche } } Now frankly I don't believe in enforcing #4, but the other three are } serious charges and I'm going to have to take you in.  Maybe a few } dozen hours with my seventh grade English teacher will set you } straight before you get hauled in for dangling modifers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious and kind Oracle, owner of all the Volvos across the > seas and 747sps in the air, defiler of woodchucks and other small > rodents, owner of all power grids and interstate commerce, defender > of all VAX keyboards, and most sublime personnage, whose shoes I am > unable to even tie even if they be loafers, whose shadow blots the > sun and cause mighty corona discharges during this time of Solstice, > whose mighty cerebrialness out thinks Stephen Hawking, whose stunning > persona out Jung's Jung, and whose political correctness has never > been questioned except by infidels and dilettantes, and whose pixels > smite the unworthy, please grant me a small answer: > > Since I live in California and we've had a bunch of rain this season, > is it your Oracle-ness' intent to turn So Cal into a Seattle or what?? > > Damp needs to know

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Humble suppliciant, } } Boy, do you know how to brownnose or what?  Anyways, to try and } answer your question, Southern Cal is getting all the rain because the } people over in Indiana don't want it anymore, so they told me to give } it to you guys.  Who knows, maby I'll even throw in a few killer } tornados at no extra charge to you.  So you see, you guys get to put } up with earthquakes and typhoons and stuff, so now it's time for you } all to experiance my bad spelling.  No really, it's time for you to } understand what all of us here in indiana have to put up with.  Stop } whineing, for god's sake.  You guys need the rain anyways.  Your } water aquifers were bone dry, from what I understand.  It will stop } soon, and you will be back on the beach in 75 degree weather, while } we are suffering in this 30 degree weather ( It's snowing right now, } as a matter of fact.  No lie.)  Got to go, but a word of advice from } one who knows, if you do get in the path of a tornado, run outside } immediately so if it does hit the house or building or whatever you } reside in, it won't fall on you. } } Thanks to CWEWETZER@Marsh.VINU.edu   for help on this tough } and amuseing question.  PEACE OUT!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wonderous Usenet Oracle, who is wisest of all oracles, > wiser even than a forest full of owls, I beg of thee an answer to > my humble question: > > What are the eleven secret herbs and spices which make up Kentucky > Fried Chicken, and in what proportions are they combined?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Black pepper             31.6% }     Cumin                     1.3% }     More black pepper        12.4% }     Paprika (hot)             2.1% }     Still more black pepper  22.9% }     Coca leaf                 0.4% }     Kola nuts (roasted)       0.3% }     Pepper (black)           15.0% }     Paprika (not so hot)      1.1% }     Ganja                     0.8% }     White pepper (blackened) 12.1% } } You owe the Oracle $5000 worth of pepper futures.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look buddy, > >  Just how many questions and I going to have to ask before I make > the digest, anyways?  This is getting annoying!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hey, you think this is some kind of picnic for me?  All the constant } pressure of answering unappreciative supplicant's questions.  You } should try it and see how it is...  Hey, wait a minute...  Yeah.... } } <snaps fingers.  Oracle and supplicant exchange places> } } Let's see how you like it... } } What do you think now? } } <beep> } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > What do you think now? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Hey, what's going on, this isn't funny! } } How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } } <beep> } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } I already have answered this 59 times!  Stop! } } Will I ever get a girlfriend? } } <beep> } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Will I ever get a girlfriend? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle } } } How many times can you get this in a day?!  Three more came in } } while I was writing this! } } If a woodchuck gnaws down a tree in a forest and the tree falls on the } woodchuck and kills it, does it make a sound? } } <beep> } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > If a woodchuck gnaws down a tree in a forest and the tree falls on the } > woodchuck and kills it, does it make a sound? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } }  I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!  Please, please, get me out of this } } living hell!  I swear I grovel every time and I will never, ever ask } } anything about woodchucks or petty paradoxes or women again!  I can't } } take it! AAAHHHH!  5 more woodchuck questions came in!  I can't answer } } them! Help me, if you have any fiber of compassion in your entire } } being! I'll do anything!  You hear me, anything!!!  Just make it stop! } } <snap> } } There.  Now do you understand?  Now let's see, anything, you say? } } You owe the Oracle some replacement time for a week's vacation. } Hahaha! I'm going to Disneyland!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > whose strength is greater than Hercules > whose wisdom surpasses Confucius > whose prose is more entertaining than Shakespere > whose insight sees more than DaVinci did > whose inspiration makes Michalangelo seem misguided > whose peacfulness could make Buddha hyper-active > whose understanding of the universe makes Hawking look simple > whose endurance is more staying than George Foreman > whose humor makes boring David Letterman and Rosanne > whose interviews are more in depth than Connie Chung > whose bitterness makes sweet Newt Gingrich > whose world influence shrinks McDonald's importance in the world > whose music is more modern and commercial than U2 > whose algorithms are more efficient than Dykstra or Primm > whose editorials are more insightful than Louderback > whose architecture is more revolutionary than Von Neuman > whose artificial intelligence makes Turing wonder > whose fuzziness makes Lotfi Zadeh seem like a normal name > whose deadlines are more reliable than Microsoft? > whose computations are more accurate than Intel?? > (this is going downhill) > > > > Oh, I forgot my question.... > > Oh yeah, what is the difference between hair and fur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...Hmm?  Sorry, I thought you were still groveling. } } Fur is the same as hair but is restricted to the hair growing on } animals. Man does not have fur (except coloquially). What you may not } know is that felt, often used in hats and lame craft projects, is } matted and compressed fur. } } Let's see if you've learned anything. } } Is this hair? [Fabio shown] } Good. } } Is this fur? [w**dch*ck shown] } You've got it. } } Is this felt? [<ZOT>]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If they are going to ban intoxicants with unpleasant side effects, why > don't they start with Numerical Analysis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer this question, which really has a simple answer, one must } first look at the society that would place a ban on, well, anything. To } begin with, the first question to ask is: Exactly who is it that places } bans on, well, anything? } } The answer is, of course, A)the religious right, B)Politicians. In both } of these cases, the people are usually not the brightest and the best } that society has to offer. In fact, overwhelming numbers of these } people are soooo stupid that they have in fact become lawyers. } } If these very people were to place a ban on Numerical Analysis } tremendous numbers of hyper-intelligent poeple (Not white mice) would } be unable to become engineers and satisfy their desire to design } products for other people to break. The next question is, what would } all of these would-be engineers do with their time? Well, for the most } part they would be content roaming the Internet, drinking cheap beer, } eating Pop-Tarts, and having sex. All of which would greatly offend the } A)Religious Right, and B)Politicians. } } Some of these would-be engineers however would not be content with such } a life, and would, in fact, take out their frustrations by purchasing } untracable banned assault weapons from 14 year old gang members and } travel to Washington. Soon, because these would-be engineers are smart } (and would not get caught, there would be a spree of death not seen } since the Inquisition. } } With ALL seats free in both the House and Senate, these would-be } engineers would be guaranteed a coup. } } Just where do YOU think the country would be if intelligent people were } running it? I shudder to even think! } } You owe the Oracle 2 books on Error Correction Codes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and sentient being from whom I am only worthy to collect the > scraps and crumbs of wisdom left under the proverbial dinner table of > your mind, please tell me: > > What types or kinds of roadkill can I expect to see as I travel the > information superhighway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, don't do that.  Now I'm hungry.  Well, I guess before I go to } Terry's RoadKill diner, I'll just type in a quick response... where'd } that menu go... ah, here it is. } } ======================================================================== } } Terry's RoadKill diner's menu: } } net.FAQ.roadkill: } }       These are the guys who post articles such as "Where is the FAQ" } as a follow-up to the FAQ.  Closely related to } net.FAQ.question.roadkill who ask the questions from the FAQ as a } follow-up to the FAQ.  Usually served with a bitter red wine. } } net.rhodes.followers.roadkill: } }       These are the net.newbies who have been suckered in by our friend } and former cellmate, Dave Rhodes.  They will spam fifteen or twenty } newsgroups with their favourite chain letter and will be } net.rhodes.followers.flambe very quickly (usual cooking time is under } twenty minutes).  If they fail to post an apology, they will usually } disappear for months - until their sysadmin forgets about their past. } If you can catch them before they disappear they are usually very } tasty.  Not served rare or medium-rare. } } net.idiot.run.over: } }       These people are ones who will enter into a new newsgroup with } the name of *.general and ask what the topic of the newsgroup is.  They } have also been known to enter into alt.binaries.pictures.erotica and } ask why everyone was speaking in a different language.  Served with a } side of fries or baked potatoe, Quayle style, your choice. } } net.binary.newbie.roadkill: } }       These people, once a delicacy, have not been so choicy as of late } as various net.gurus have become soft on them, and have actually } answered their questions on how to use tin/nn to uudecode binaries and } actually get some binary files off the usenet.  Served raw. } } net.online-service.user.roadkill: } }       A user from any major online service, including, but not limited } to, America Online, Compu$erve, Delphi, and many others.  Just by } having one of these major institution's name in your email address, you } have become a beacon for the net.ghods to aim for.  Very popular in the } diner this year - served with a flagon of ale to wash it down. } } net.flamebait.flamed: } }       Anyone posting "Clinton is great" in alt.fan.rush-limbaugh.  In } other newsgroups, someone posting particularily stupid comments will } receive similar treatment.  Served well-done only. } } net.oracle.zotted: } }       Anyone even mentioning Lemurs or Woodchucks to the net.ghod } Oracle. Served with a glass of irony. } } Other meals will be added in the future as we find them. } } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle one net.oracle.zotted.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who spent his youth in Asia, > > Well, I finally had the dog put down. It was tough, but now it's > done. The poor old thing was superannuated, blind, senile, and > incontinent -- it was about time. > > Life without the dog turns out to be wonderful. No more messes on > the floor, no more finding a keeper when we go away for the weekend, > no more letting in and out the door. > > Now I wonder, > what about my mother-in-law?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you poor unfortunate soul - the most compassionate Oracle's heart } goes out to you for your great canine loss. } } It must be awful for you - everytime you have to lead your } mother-in-law to her basket, you think of the times you led your dear } departed pooch up to your bedroom to sleep on your bed at night. } } Everytime you try to explain to her how to put in her false teeth, you } must think of those times your erstwhile best friend was chewing on his } plate of Pal Meaty Chunks. } } And, everytime you have to empty your mother-in-law's colostomy bag, it } must bring haunting images of following Rover round the park with your } Pooper Scooper and a black dustbin bag. } } All these things weigh heavily on your heart and mind as you } contemplate your predicament.  What advice can the Oracle give? } } Well, give her her teeth, put her on a lead and take her down to the } park. Then take her off the lead, throw her a stick, and run home } before she realises what's going on. } } Then go to the pet shop and get yourself a new dog.