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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to go about getting laid in Pittsburgh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will happen if Anthony Meyer defeats Margaret Thatcher in the > leadership election?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look here son, here I am in this gawd awful cave...  damp rot seeping up } from the floor to my knee joints...  the back of my Wimpy's duffle coat } as sodden as a discarded tampax in the gutter...  can't even get a } decent slice of toast anywhere...  and as for the price of Robertson's } lemmon curd...  well you can't get it for love nor money. } } And then you come along and have the nerve to ask me questions about } English politics.  I think that is insufferable that as Oracle I have to } ply my trade in this damp stench filled cave, and that you being fully } aware of my plight should be so inconsiderate as to ask me a foolish } question that in the light of eternity has no meaning what so ever. } } If you could fix me up with a duplex in lower Manhatten and provide me } two buckets of oysters, then I might give you question more } consideration. } } The only morsel that I can give you is to say that many women aspire to } act like men but very few of them act like gentlemen.  This fits } Thatcher perfectly.  I am also of the opinion that all matters political } should be decided in the boxing ring...  naked.  Put Marg and Anton in } the ring for a few rounds...  hire Madison Square gardens for the } fight...  sell tickets at $1000 a head...  and may the best man win. } Politicians loose all credibility when they stand naked in a boxing ring } with those big red gloves on. } } You owe the Oracle a Strawberry/Cornish clotted cream/rye bread/sandwich }                    with a double portion or garlic on the side.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Brooke Shields really a woman ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it is a proprietary concrete product used for damming streams.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Dvorak's fifth symphony numbered 3?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Due to the precedent set by L.  Von Beethoven, who wrote only 9 } symphonies and lost his hearing due to syphilis, symphonic composers } feared both proliferation and sexually transmitted diseases.  Anton } Dvorak's awareness of his prowess, his ability to do it 11 times, knew } he would temp fate by pursuing satisfaction and therefore intialized his } Opus counter to -1. } } In Dvorak's own mind, we conjecture, he was practicing safe sextet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, what are the top 10 computer science grad schools?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "From the home office in Madison, Wisconsin, we have the top ten CS }  grad schools!  Anton, a drum roll please... } } 10 - The Southwest Idaho School for Potential Introverts } } 9  - Central Kansas College of the Pathetic } } 8  - (G)eorgia (E)xtra (E)asy (K)ollege of the (S)ciences } } 7  - Silicon Valley U } } 6  - Minnesota } } 5  - Northern California Institute for the Depressingly Inept } } 4  - Bob's Sixty Minute Degree Shop on I-94 just north of Chicago } } 3  - East Texas School for the Irritatingly Dull } } 2  - Purdue } } And the number one CS grad school is... } } "Closing down 'cuz there are too many of them in 2 through 9!!!" } } {Canned Applause, the band playing 'Tequilla'}

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORACLE MOST WISE TELL ME WHAT IS A YET?  I READ IN THE PAPER THAT A GIRL > WAS SHOT AND THIS MORNING THE BULLET WAS IN HER YET.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't know what a girl's yet is then you're in sad shape buster. } Everyone knows a girl's yet is between her besides.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm going to Japan for a couple of weeks.  I've heard that they are very > formal there, that etiquette is very important.  I've also heard that > they like things and people to be uniform and orderly.  Can you give me > pointers on what and what not to do?  (By the way, it will be very > difficult for me to look uniform, I'm a guy with really long hair and I > shave the sides of my head)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When visiting Japan, do not: }   1. Use chop sticks unless you are experienced. }   2. Refer to the local police chief as "Hong Kong Fuey". }   3. Mention Pearl Harbor. }   4. Try to find a Chinese restaurant. }   5. Let your hair dangle in the Teriaki sauce. } } Alternatively, pretend you are rock star.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was the best thing to come out of the Eighties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With such a culturally enriching decade as the 80s, the Oracle has great } difficulty making up its mind as to its greatest contribution to } mankind.  But difficulty cannot deter the great wisdom of the Oracle, } and thus the answer is: } } Undoubtedly, the Rubik's Cube. } } You owe the oracle a lava lamp, a pet rock and a racoon hat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, why is it that my great prowess with a computer fails > to impress women and land me the babes I so obviously deserve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because women are not physically interested in prowess with a computer. } They are interested in prowess with something else whose blood supply is } cut off by extended use of a computer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a friend of mine owns Piranhas and runs around campus naked, should I > be worried about him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This morning I received a msg. } } > Dear oracle, a friend of mine is continuously busy with his computer. } > He doesn't even react to such fun things as running around campus } > naked.  What can I do to prevent him from becoming one of those } > computer-addepted-dickheads as there allready are so much around } > here ?  BTW:  what's the best thing to feed to phyranas in summer ? } } So you may call yourself lucky that you have a friend like that one } who's so concerned about you.  Get away from that terminal and try to } have some real fun.  Start gradually:  run around naked in the computer } room, then try to run around campus and you may even arrive to the } ultimate pleasure:  running the marathon naked.