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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for > this your humble supplicant: > > I just bought a cured ham. What did it have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Swine flu. } }  You owe the oracle a $150 consultation fee (insurance accepted).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can I find more informations about >  visioneer's PaperPort 2.0 (mac compatible) > in Switzerland ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, PaperPort.  You probably don't know this, but the first, shareware } version of PaperPort was written by Lisa's 12-year-old nephew Doug, } who's as geekish and hackerly as Lisa is sleek and worldly. } } Doug had an early-morning bicycle paper route, but his performance } suffered from his terrible absent-mindedness.  He would goof up and } throw the paper right onto the doorstep of customers who never tipped } him, while aiming the Sunday Times at the pile of dog poop on the porch } of the lady who gave him the $20 Christmas bonus.  He would zoom like } hell past the house with the hyperactive Chihuahua and then absently } cruise past the one with the free-ranging manic-depressive pit bull and } be lucky to escape with half his trousers.  He would forget the house } number of the community college coed who always left her shade halfway } up and spend fifteen minutes waiting for a balding fifty-year-old to } step out of the shower buck naked.  And if he remembered to stick a } memo paper in his back pocket before leaving, it was a sure bet he'd } lose it to a puddle or the snapping teeth of his friend the pit bull } before he was halfway through the route. } } So he got out his tools and soldered a mounting bracket for his } Radio Shack Model 100 to the handlebars of his bike, wired a } flashlight over it for illumination, and sat down to write a } BASIC program he could use to record all his route numbers, } subscription payments, and important information.  PaperPort 1.0 } was little more than a glorified spreadsheet: } }    *------------------------------------------------------------* }    |   Name  | Address    |  Owes  |   Comments                 | }    |---------|--------------------------------------------------| }    |  Smith  | 345 Water  |  $5.50 | Doberman can't jump fence  | }    | Perkins | 123 Juniper|  $0.00 | daughter with *big* tits   | }    | Frumkin | 2240 Palm  | $21.00!| jogger, can run fast enuf  | }    |         |            |        | to catch a bike!           | }    *------------------------------------------------------------* } } You probably do know the rest of the story--how he first sold the } program to a few friends, then incorporated, finally got bought } out by Novell--how PaperPort 1.5 added all sorts of bells and } whistles, like AI-driven software for charting the shortest routes } and best paper-throwing trajectories, a modem interface for } automatic-dialing harrassment of past due customers, a thumbnail-.GIF } directory for photos taken with the optional mini-spy camera, etc. } } PaperPort 2.0 introduced the international modules, and I believe } you'll find the distributor of the Swiss version in Bern.  The Swiss } version, of course, not only has four-language support (including } Romansch!), but does probability-function calculations for } avalanche danger per route and includes optional .WAV files of } alpenhorn calls for kids with portable multimedia units who } need to wake up behind-hand subscribers with a reminder that } their payment is overdue. } } You owe the Oracle a couple of those spy-camera shots of Swiss } milkmaids...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, namesake of a large commercial database, who > when addressed backward is known as "Elcaro", please answer this simple > question: > > Why do computers keep catching fire while I'm using them?  Once, well > it was just a freak thing.  Twice?  A coincidence.  But THREE times? > Is there a force of evil at work here?  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yeah. That database thing. Did you _really_ have to remind me of } that? Their damn lawyers are _so_ tenacious. We'll be working things } out for years until they finally change that damn name. Then where will } all those Unix file servers be, with all those "oracle" directories set } up that will need to be changed? There will be lots of work for nerd } consultants. Think about it. } } Anyway, I digress. The answer to your question is yes, there is a force } of evil at work there. Evil is an insidious, wretched thing. A force } not to be dealt with by amateurs. I will, however, give you an } incantation that you can use to fight off this curse. Do things exactly } as I say, and everything should work out fine. } } What you'll have to gather is: } }   The little paper liner from the inside of the most important floppy }   disk you have. } }   Three push pins. } }   A flag from Latvia. } }   A photo of the system manager. } }   Some of that mysterious yellow gravy from your school cafeteria. } }   The letters F,R,O,S,T and Y from a defunct keyboard. } } Okay. now sit down in front of a large photo of James Joyce facing you. } Place the items on a table in front of you, and cover them with the } Latvian flag. Careful, here's where it gets tricky: } }   Repeat after me: } }   Smiling, laughing, rabbits of stone. }   Frosty bits froze by a Crone. (that one hurts to say...) }   Disks filled with data we loath. }   Memory always inclined toward growth. }   Three times your evil has struck. }   Flaming users and roots mired in muck. }   Pentium spirits be gone from here. }   For the name of Elcaro you fear! } } Well, that should do it. Be sure to clean up all that mess on the } table. Especially the gravy. you never know what that stuff will do to } paint. } } You owe the Oracle the home address of that damn database company's } head lawyer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>              Dear Supreme Oracle;  I know it is not my place to >          question your exalted authority.  However, I feel that you >          may have made an error in judgment lately, and do humbly >          request that you listen to my plea. > >              I recently was witness to your zotting of #QA91217.  It >          was a beautiful sunny day and I was crossing the street at >          5th Avenue and Main Street when suddenly ... a giant bolt of >          lightning came down from the sky and stuck #QA91217 in the >          head while he was waiting for a bus.  He fell on the ground >          and rolled around, screaming in excruciating pain.  Flopped >          around like a fish out of water for about three minutes, >          holding his head with the care you'd give a new born baby. >          Unfortunately, there was a doctor near by that was able >          stabilize the man's condition.  By the time an ambulance >          arrived, he was up and about and refused medical treatment. >          He was still a little disoriented and stumbled a little bit >          as he walked away, but basically ... he was okay. > >              What were you thinking?  I mean ... three measly minutes >          of pain.  That's all?  I know of #QA91217, he deserves more >          than that, MUCH more!  He has not suffered near enough!  I >          pray to you magnificent Oracle ... please, please, please >          punish #QA91217 more; a great deal more.  If you want, I >          would gladly be the instrument by which you administer his >          agonizing punishment.  Just give me a sign, and I will >          severely torture him with great expediency; hopefully leaving >          him with life long injuries and disabilities.  I will make >          you proud of me, you'll see.  Please give me a sign, any kind >          of sign. > >                                        Your humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Dear Supplicant, } }         I read your well written letter and decided that I had better }      check the records on #Qa91217. And you are correct, he did deserve }      a much larger punishment that what you perceived. Rest assured, }      supplicant, that the Oracle DID take care of business the first }      time. First of all, #Qa91217 was put on an automatic timer that }      zots him on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, he should be }      getting one right about } }      <<ZOT!!>> } }      now. Good. Additionally, each ZOT has different effects on him. }      The one you saw, for example, made him think that he had worms }      eating his brain. (Actually, there WERE worms eating his brain, }      but the effects were only temporary.) Another good one is to }      inflate his tongue to 5 times its normal size so that it sticks }      out of his mouth and severely inhibits his breathing. Sometimes, I }      like to make him just think he's been zotted even though I've }      actually done nothing to him, it really messes with his psyche. }      But my all time favorite, which is inflicted no less than 3 times }      per week, is to let him actually know how great an entity I am. It }      has effects that dwarf actually comprehending infinity. } }         So you see, supplicant, the Oracle knows his business. For you, }      though, since you wrote such a nice letter, } }      <<ZOT!!>> } }      he just got another one. (I've made him give off a scent so that }      male dogs think is a female in heat.) } }      As for your sign, I've loosened the bolts on the no parking one }      around the corner from your house, just go by after midnight }      tonight and pick it up. } }      You owe the Oracle an Iron Maiden.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and glorious oracle, whose name i am not even worthy enough to > capitalize, please tell me how to use shared memory. > > your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, } } The use of shared memory is influenced by two main factors, namely; } 1) Who you share it with, and 2) What filing system you use. } } To address the first point: }    Theres absolutely no point in approaching someone and saying "Ah, } do you remember Paris in the springtime?" if they have never been there } with you (or if they have never been there with you in the springtime, } or if they've forgotten they've been there etc.). So the first criterion } when attempting to share a memory with someone is to ensure they know }    * who you are, }    * what you are talking about, and }    * why. } } More importantly, *check you both use the same filing system*: }    Memory is triggered by various stimuli, and it can sometimes } be difficult, even when you've found a good candidate to share a memory } with, to ensure that they are remembering the same features of the } event, or indeed the same event.  This can sometimes be dangerous to the } inexperienced. The odour of a badly tamed sewer may bring to your mind } that glorious walk beside the Seine (in Paris, in the springtime), but } it may only bring to your partners mind the rather messy final illness } of her childhood pet, or perhaps the fact that they later fell into } the same river (in Paris etc), or merely that you have forgotten to } unblock the drains again... So, it is imperative to make certain that } you not only both have the same memory, but that its replay is set off } by the same stimuli. This may require subtle prompting, setting the } appropriate mood, or possibly extensive psychosurgical reconditioning. } } Finally, having found the right co-remembrant and carefully brought } the appropriate memory to the forefront of their awareness, you are } ready to share memory. Maintain a respectful and attentive stance, eyes } shut to allow events to replay more clearly and avoid distractions, } and enjoy... } } You may experience initial compatibility problems - you may be } remembering at different speeds, or initiating memory out of phase, } but with practice and perseverance you may attain the final goal of } simultaenious shared memory. } } You owe the Oracle 2 return tickets to a decent hotel in Paris.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...if I strapped some buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped > the cat from a height, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First there would be a knock on your door from an officer of the } local Humane Society with a warrant for your arrest.  The charge } would be wreckless endangerment of an animal for the satisfaction of } personal curiousity. } } On the surface this is the classic Nature's law versus Murphy's law } conundrum.  Cat's feet versus buttered side of toast.  In this case the } toast is an inanimate object unable to affect the course of events. } The cat however must choose between two actions.  Should it try to } land on its feet or get the toast off its back?  A clever cat knows } that if the toast is strapped on it will still be there at the end of } the journey and will try to land on his feet.  The Oracle has never } seen a dumb cat. } } You owe the Oracle a splendid grovel.  In your excitement, after } finally coming up with a question, to get your e-mail sent you forgot } the most important part of the exchange.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's so great about "Nirvana"???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends.  If you mean Nirvana, the rock group, the answer is very } little. } } If you mean Nirvana, the ultimate level of consciosness, then if you } have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand the answer. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Tibetan book of the Dead, autographed } by the author.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh powerful oracle, who never has to worry about getting a date, answer > this humble suplicant... > > I'm really in love with this girl in Texas, and she loves me, but right > now we can't get together because of school, parents, and money.  Will > we ever get together?  And what will become of us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, of course not!  No matter how many questions come in at once, I } never get mixed up and send somebody the answer to somebody elses } question!  I'm deeply offended that you would even ask that. } } You owe the Oracle an apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, tell me > What is the longest way to enlightenment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eh?  What's that, sonny?  You want to go to Enwrightsville?  You } can't get there from... } } Lightfield?  No town in these parts got a name like Lightfield. } } Oh, sorry, sonny, my ears ain't been the same since the Voodoo Lounge } tour came through. } } You say you want to go to enlightenment?  Well, why didn't you say so? } } Take County Road 147 until you get to Philosophy, then turn hard right } and pass through Nietzscheville and Kantstown.  If you see a big sign } that says "Hegelian Dialectics and Groceries", you've gone too far. } Gotta turn around. } } Turn off the road at an unmarked path, right after the Krishna } standing with the pamphlets.  Keep going on that until you see a } big church to the left.  You might ask directions from someone there, } but if I never understood a damn thing they ever said. } } You followin' me so far, son?  Ayuh.  So how far did I get?  The } aquarium?  Oh, right, the church.  Say, which part of enlightenment } are you trying to get to?  It matters, you know.  If you're going } to Nirvana, you don't want to take the Endless Cycle -- that'll take } you way out of your way. } } So you're going along, and... wait, this is the way to } self-enlightment. Sorry, that's completely wrong, you want to go to } plain enlightenment. } } No, you can't get there from here.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why English soccer fans are so stupid. Why do they > think a football match entails throwing of chairs and planks of wood. > Please help as I am confused as to why this happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Considering that their empire has collapsed, their next king is } a doofus, their country is being invaded by French Chunnel } commandos, and their footbal teams always lose, it's a wonder } they don't throw themselves off the cliffs of Dover.