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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh, Great Oracle, who is nobody's inferior. > >      My boss just quit.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell him off.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is it about the female breasts that men find so > attractive/appealing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is in a quandary.  He has often been portrayed as a sexist } pig.  He does not like this. } } He as often been portrayed as entertaining and witty.  He DOES like } this. } } Now, you have come along with THIS question.  Unfortunately, anything } funny would necessarily be sexist!! } } I will compromise.  I will give you a funny, sexist answer plus a wise, } non-sexist answer.  You'll have to decide which is which. } } #1  As secondary sexual characteristics, they naturally differentiate }     females from males.  As such, men are instinctively attracted to }     them.  Strains of people whose men are not attracted by breasts }     are rapidly weeded out by natural selection.  There is a theory }     which states that the attraction to the breasts developed from an }     attraction to buttocks in the apes from which the humans evolved. }     The Oracle is not making any of this up. } } #2  They look kind of like the front end of a football. } } You owe the Oracle a Superbowl ring.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most high and mighty, holier than thou Oracle... > > How many roads MUST a man walk down before they call him a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Real men don't walk down roads.  They drive incredibly huge } pickup trucks with really big tires and enough clearance to } pass over a Hyundai without getting caught up (whip antenna } and country music optional).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, isn't that WONDERFUL?  You're such a BIG BOY now! } Now, why don't you go back and see if you can do a } number 2 for Uncle Orrie, ok?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Thee great, wise, ultimate being of the Internet, also called The > Oracle, to which I am Your humble servent, > > Regarding The Meaning of Life. > I haven't thought the above out yet, but I ask you: > Where can I get the manual, where can I get another (life that is) and > how much does it cost? > > Your Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are sorry to inform you but replacement manuals for Life(tm) are no } longer available as Life(tm) has been put on permanent hiatus.  Be } advised that your name has been placed on a list and in the event that } Life(tm) is resurrected you will be informed of how to order additional } copies of all documentation.  In the mean time, please let me take this } opportunity to introduce you to some of our other fine products: } } Life(tm)  Discontinued } } Death(tm)  $49.95 }   Our second biggest seller!  [Previously a free bonus with every copy }   of Life(tm).]  Available in a choice of colors (additional service }   charge required for any color other than factory black). } } Disease(tm) Call for pricing }   Choose from our huge list of currently available diseases.  Special }   discounts on all "Choice of Disease + Death" packages. } } ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** MANAGER'S SPECIAL ** } Despair(tm) $1.50 (was $32.95) }   Due to an accounting error, we've accidentally ordered too much }   Despair(tm)! Our misfortune is your good luck!  Don't miss out on }   this incredible price! } } War(tm) $999.95 (was $153,999.95) }   When was the last time you fought a really good battle?  It has been }   a while hasn't it?  We've got too much War(tm) in our warehouse and }   with April 15th coming soon, we'd rather sell it to you than pay tax }   on it.  Additional discounts for bulk orders.  Includes unlimited }   refills on Death(tm). } } Hope(tm) Out of stock }   Sorry, we're currently running low on our supplies of Hope after the }   Holiday season.  Hope(tm) should be available again in the early }   Spring. } } Happiness(tm) If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,  do advertisements in magazines contain deliberate > subliminal messages that are suppose to feed on our subconscious mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Supplicant, } } TheS magazineE advertisersN absolutelyD do notT useH subliminalE } messages toO influenceR theirA reader'sC thoughtsL.  ManyE of myA } friendsL areL in theY businessO andU ifR they wereM usingO } subliminalN messagesE theyY wouldn't hideN itO fromW me. } } You owe the Oracle whatever monetary donation you feel appropriate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if it is going to rain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it's to rain: the bane of the sane. } But it's plain that rain has pocked your brain. } And your question's one of disdain } Bringing to th'Oracle pain. } } The Oracle most wise brings your demise. } Look to the skies when you next rise. } A cloud of flies will lift your thighs. } Lies? or blabbering UseNet spies? } } No, you failed and are impaled } Nailed by th'Oracle that you hailed. } }  - - - - - You owe the Oracle a nail gun.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose knowlege-base is deeper than the ocean > trenches, who has cataloged every lifeform know and unknown (including > us petty humans) -- harken to my pitiful call for your guidance! > > While exploring some Native American sites in the heartlands of the US, > I recently came upon a curious creature.  The antics of the animal > were, I must admit, cute.  And my daughter, who had accompanied me on > our expedition, convinced me to let her keep it as a pet.  Pray tell, > what is it?  I include a sketch I made: > >       (\__/) >       /O O `. >      (O__,   \ >        / .  . ) >        |-| '-' \ >       .(   _(   ) >      '---.~_ _ _&

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **  **  SCANNING SKETCH  **  ** } } Running probability checks... } } Region---> Heartlands of the U.S.A. } } Probablility Chart........ } Buffalo............. 0.9% } Kangaroo............ 1.3% } Gopher.............. 9.3% } Groundhog...........21.5% } Woodchuck...........67.0% } } Running analysis of ASCII characters... } } Character set and usage. } } Probablilty Chart......... } Gopher.............. 0.1% } Bald Eagle.......... 9.6% } Lemur...............27.2% } Woodchuck...........63.1% } } Running analysis of cuteness... } } Parent/Child Cuteness agreement... } } Probability Chart......... } Barney.............-97.4% } Rabbit............. 22.3% } Woodchuck..........174.9% } } Running Quarterback/Defense checkup... } } Probability Chart......... } Stan Humphries...... 2.1% } Steve Young.........97.9% } } Heh heh, whoops.... Super Bowl pick ;) } } Running General Statistical Analysis... } } Woodchuck..........100.0% } } Congratulations, you now are the proud owner of an official woodchuck. } } Let me assist you in the general, basic care of a woodchuck. } } *>ZOT<* } } You owe The San Diego Chargers a lot of help, courtesy of the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fabulus Oracle, who's manhood is longer and larger than all of > mankind's combined, who's roundage I am not worthy to calculate, please > listen to my plea. > > I do not know who I am or what I am doing here in this form.  However, > I have an owner who wants me to eat some sort of food he calls > "Lasangia". Please tell me, what is Lasangia and how do I microwave it? > > Sincerely yours, > An orange cat with black stripes who's owner calls him "Garfield".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Lasangia is a disease first discovered in Italy in the Roman era. } Little is known about how the disease was transferred into humans, but } it is thought to be linked to repeated exposure to dog drool. } }     Lasgania has just a single symptom.  It lowers your sense of humor } to a point such that you find feline obesity humor outrageously funny. } Sadly, there is no known cure, nor will sterilization means, such as } microwaving, prevent this disease..  I expect that your owner has been } feeling guilty about your recent weight gain, and is trying to find } humor instead of guilt in your condition. } }     Other related diseases to Lasagnia, and their singular symptoms, } include: } }    Beetle-Baylia:  You would find humor in military screaming and chase }       scenes. } }    Blondia:        Bulimic men with perpetual bad hair days married to }       stacked babes become hilarious to you. } }    Cathia:         Humor is found in stereotypically shallow feminine }       behavior. This disease is thought to also have caused the film }       "9-to-5" to have been filmed. } }    Heathclifia:    See Lasgnia } }    Marmadukia:     (a.k.a Cliffordia)  Large, poorly controlled animal }       companions become funny.  Especially if chairs and newspapers are }       involved. } }    Ziggia:         This is the most extreme version of the Lasgania }       diseases. In it, the sufferer actually has no sense of humor, and }       often thinking is seriously impaired.  Any thought presented to }       the sufferer generates smiles and a warm, womb-like feeling. }       Shoot sufferers on sight to avoid spreading and to put the victim }       out of their misery. } } You owe the Oracle a stairclimber

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Mighty Oracle, master of the Trask parameters and ruler of the > Niggli worms, please answer my humble query. > >   What kind of job can I get with a geophysics degree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And it came to pass, that a group of wise men gathered in the } wilderness to consult the prophet. And it was decided that a great } feast should be prepared to celebrate the occasion. } } Unto the Accountant they prophet sayeth } 'Take this bag of silver, and go unto the village to purchase } grapes' } } Unto the Biochemist the prophet sayeth } 'Take the grapes, and make us wine for the feast' } } Unto the Oceanographer the prophet sayeth } 'Go forth unto the ocean, and gather us some fishes for the feast' } } Unto the Botanist, the prophet sayeth } 'Go forth unto the fields, and gather us grains for the feast' } } Unto the Nutritionist, the prophet sayeth } 'Take the grains, and make us bread for the feast. } } Unto the Geophysicist the prophet sayeth } 'For you who is wise in the ways of the earth I have the most } Important job of all' } } And it came to pass, that a great feast was held in the } Wilderness, a multitude of fishes, and a mountain of bread was } eaten, and an ocean of wine drunk. } } And after the feast, everyone commented on the excellent latrine } pits. } } << The Prophet, incarnated as The Famous Druid }    druid@stonehenge.win-uk.net >>