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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O Oracle most wise in the ways of Personkind > > What is the sound of one hand slapping you silly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It goes: } <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Oooooooooooooooh! } <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } <smakkk> >>KRAK!!<< EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK! } <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } <whippp> >>KRAK!!<< Oooooooooooooooh! } <smakkk> >>KRAK!!<< Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! } <smakkk> >>KRAK!!<< EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeK! } Oh, God, STOP IT, STOP IT, AAAAAARGH! } } You owe the Oracle a set of lovers' dungeon equipment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, >       What is the percentage of computer science grad students > that are geeks, and how can I meet some drama majors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, let us look upon the definition of the word geek: } } geek \'ge-k\ n [prob.  fr.  E dial.  geek, geck fool, fr.  LG geck, fr. }    MLG] : a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usu. }    includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake. } } From this definition, we can see that only a small percentage of } computer science grad students are actually practicing geeks (about 8%), } while a great many more (38.2%) actually are closet geeks who's thoughts } constantly turn to the myriad completely gross, yet fascinating things } that can be done with small animals. } } The Oracle knows of your secret wish to join the circus (or a rock } group) and practice your fascination in public, and it also knows of } your silent struggle to suppress these feelings for fear that the } descent public will not accept you.  However, there is no need to fear. } Your are in the company of other geeks who have gained much fame and } money (ie.  such as Ozzie Osbourne, who was a computer science grad } student). } } Come out of the closet and express yourself on some nearby livestock! } } As for your second question, drama majors may be easily purchased at the } nearest Drama Shop. } } You owe the Oracle the head a live chicken or snake.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write documentation.  Is this the right job for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By sending Me a message consisting of two well-formed, correctly spelt, } grammatical sentences which make complete sense without the need for a } knowledge of exactly what it is you're describing, you have proved } beyond any doubt that: } }     WRITING DOCUMENTATION IS THE ***WRONG*** JOB FOR YOU. } } People who write documentation would have written: } } My employment situation (Part # 23435674565-001) as of this instant in } time requires I engage in documentary printed format output (art Nos. } 343434243-6 through 6645675).  There is a glass of orange juice on my } head.  Kindly oblige me with your approximate estimate of the } appropriateness for myself of task onto assinned what like I have been. } THIS LINE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this Lisa woman, and why is she our net.sex.goddess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mortal who does not know Lisa the net.sex.goddess can not understand } the mere words.  A human male must preform the following ritual in order } to come to know Lisa the net.sex.goddess: } } 1:  Stay in the terminal room very late, wait for everyone else to } leave.  You must be coding in C, Pascal, Modula-2, or assembly. } } 2:  After all are gone, take out the five bannanas (four is OK if one } has been eaten) and lay them around the terminal. } } 3:  Turn out all of the lights so that the room is bathed in the light } of the CRTs. } } 4:  Attempt to contact Lisa by typing lisa at the C prompt repetitivly. } } Good luck...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a cure for Empire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only cure to empire lies in the glorious revolution by the } proletariate against their bourgeoise imperialist overlords.  Only by } throwing off their shackles can the workers of the world truly be free! } Down with the Imperialist Yankee pig dogs!  Long live the Revolution! } The workers control the means of production!  Stalin took flowers to his } mother every week!  Raisa Gorbachev is one hot babe! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Communist Manifesto, signed (in } passion-pink lipstick) "Love and Kisses, Raisa"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> M<W!O;VPO;6%I;"\D55-%4@IS970@;6%I;#TD34%)3`IL:6UI="!C;W)E9'5M > M<'-I>F4@,`IS971E;G8@5DE354%,('YJ:&%L;&5N+V4*<V5T96YV($5$251/ > M4B!^:FAA;&QE;B]E"G5M87-K(#`R-PIS970@<&%T:#TH+B`D2$]-12]B:6X@ > M8"]U<W(P+VQO8V%L+W-Y<R]S>7-P871H8"D*8FEF9B!N"FUE<V<@;@IC:&UO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ........I'm sorry, but the Oracle is not home right now.  In fact, I } have no idea where the f***ing omniscient being is!  It's always going } off without telling me where its going, and then coming back at some } god-awful time of night reeking of ambrosia and singing off-color deity } theme-songs.  And what about me?  Here I am, married to an omniscient } being, and It can't even remember my anniversary!  Anyway, I suppose if } you leave a message at the beep, It will already have answered your } question.........***BEEP*** } } You owe the Oracle's wife a tasteful anniversary gift--maybe a wok.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where should I eat tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dude!  I haven't heard from you in ages!!  You know, you've become a bit } of a folk hero around here ever since you spiked the East German } leader's last few meals with LSD.  He's still trippin' on that last } batch you made, and he's still deluded into thinking that communism } sucks and that the breaking of the Berlin Wall will snag him the Nobel } Peace Prize next year.  Good trick!  It's nice to know that in all the } excitement you still haven't forgotten your good buddy, the Oracle. } } I can understand why you wouldn't want to eat in E.  Germany, or any } other Soviet bloc country, for that matter.  The Ruskies have a pretty } high price on your head now that you've converted one of their best } subordinates.  Hmm, where to eat...  Oh, heck, why don't you come on } over to my place for chow tonight?  We can chug a few brews, cook up a } couple of steaks and shoot the bull for a while.  I'll even invite Lisa } over (you know how she gets after a few drinks ;^) ) and you two can do } whatever you want later when I shut down for the night. } } You don't owe me anything, though I'd appreciate it if you'd call me now } and again.  Maybe cook me dinner next time, too, OK?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When snow melts, what happens to the white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} drip dlip }                         drip } }                                             drop }        trickle                            drop }            dripple drip }                        dropdrip }    drip } }         splash! } } puddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddle } puddlepuddlepuddle          puddlepuddlepuddlepuddlepuddle }     puddlepuddle puddle                         puddlepuddlepuddlepuddle } puddlepuddle puddle          puddle            puddlepuddle puddlepuddle }   puddlepuddle puddle                        puddle    puddle     puddle }      puddle           puddlepuddle   puddlepuddle puddle  puddle puddle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     I obtained the following information: > > Script started on Fri Dec  1 22:27:40 1989 > % finger oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > [iuvax.cs.indiana.edu] > Login name: oracle                      In real life: The Usenet Oracle > Office:     c/o kinzler > Directory:  /usr/spool/oracle           Shell: /bin/csh > Never logged in. > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > % exit > script done on Fri Dec  1 22:28:16 1989 > >   O, mighty oracle, how can this be?  How do you do it.  You don't even > LOG IN! >   And mighty oracle, if you never log in, why do you need a directory? > Please tell me.  This is fascinating.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, easy.  I know the root password.  I know yours, too. } } I know everything. } } You owe the Oracle the patches to the fingerd security hole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Americans celebrate Superbowl?  is she the religious holiday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Superbowl is a special time that comes but once a year.  Many } rituals must be performed to observe "Superbowl Sunday" as it is called. } }  1) All the male members of a household must form an enclave before the }     altar. } }  2) Many female members may attend.  Few, however, are as religious as }     the men are. } }  3) Ritual sacrifices are collected.  These can be as varied as crackers }     and gourmet hot dogs but necessities include pretzels, beer, and }     good old-fashioned burnt hamburgers. } }  4) No work is allowed.  This is a sabbath day. } }  5) Special members are allowed to enjoy the ceremony in person, rather }     than having to watch through the electronic altar.  These members }     must pay a tithing and pray ferverently for their token of }     attendance. } }  6) The holy ceremony is very steeped in ritual and must be watched to }     be fully appreciated.  The dance of the "cheerleaders" (special }     acolytes) is supposed to be related to other religion's ferility }     rites (this does occur just before spring) and the competition of }     the "champions" (sometimes called players) is a tribute to the gods }     of war. } }  7) Holy figures can be found everywhere.  High-ranking officials of the }     church can be found wearing special clothes (in black and white, }     portraying their ambivalence) and using "flags of power". } }  8) The ritual lasts for several hours, allowing all in attendance to }     become rather inebriated. } }  9) The church collects a great deal of money for the rituals.  Some of }     this money is given to the members of the church. } } 10) Relics of the ritual are also sold to support the church.  These }     relics include timekeeping equipment, calendars, and other }     implements required for advanced culture. } } 11) The celebration lasts well into the next few days. } } You owe the oracle a Superbowl ring.