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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh! So sorry! Did I get the wrong apartment again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa: "Orrie, I think there's someone here to see you." } } [The Usenet Oracle, dressed in silk smoking jacket and slippers (a la } Heff), ambles to the front door.] } } Oracle: "You again, eh? You're beginning to annoy me. This is the } apartment of the Usenet Oracle. You want the apartment of the } Microsoft-Net Debacle, right next door." } } [The Oracle slams the door and storms back to the bedroom.] } } Lisa: "Orrie, dear, who was that and what did he want?" } } Oracle [off camera]: "It's the Gates boy from next door. Whenever he } comes home drunk he gets the wrong apartment." } } [Fade to black. Fade in to a Windows desktop with multiple apps, all } frozen.] } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows 95 that doesn't crash.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have reoccuring dreams in which Bob Dole (who is my father in the > dream) spreads Grey Poupon over the naked, prostrate form of Danielle > Steele (who is my mother's half sister in the dream) while reciting > passages from Willa Cather's "Death of the Archbishop" - what does this > mean????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry, that's a perfectly normal, healthy dream. Now if Bob had } been spreading >ketchup< over her...well, that would mean you were a } sick, twisted individual. But that's obviously not the case. } } You owe the Oracle a pinch of wasabi.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky maroon with green and yellow stripes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Universe is filled with little particles of energy: morons, } washingtons, republicons, telethons, and futons.  Futons come in every } conceivable color: ultrafuchsia, off-beige, and, of course, maroon } with green and yellow stripes. } } Your local celestial body (which many cultures call the Sun, but which } some call Cindy Crawford) gives off lots of these futons in every color } of the oobleck-bow.  The molecules which make up the sky (mostly } androgen, with some oxymoron and a little carbonated cola) reflect } most of these futons back off into space, which is why from space the } planet looks like the floor of the Oracle's dormitory on Saturday } morning. } } Curiously, these molecules are transparent to the } maroon-with-green-and-yellow-stripes futons, which zip right down and } intersect the eyeball, right on the end of its stalk.  So, the sky is } maroon with green and yellow stripes. } } You owe the Oracle the really BIG box of Crayolas (with built-in } sharpener).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O eloquent Oracle, who can sing like Elvis, dance like Michael Jackson, > and write like Chaucer (except much better than all of them), please > tell me: > > How do you declare on your income tax forms all the offerings which > your supplicants provide you as thanks for answering their questions? > Your schedules of itemized deductions must be pages and pages long, > too. Do you handle it all yourself, or do you saddle one of your poor > High Priests with the mundane job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, spring, when a young man's fancy turns to....taxes. } } No, I don't declare the gifts that I am given as income, it is more of } a situation like a waitress gets - she's supposed to declare her tips } as income, but nobody can actually prove how much she got.  If she gets } audited, she can claim that she works in a restaraunt frequented by } skinflints, which is why she only made, say, 8 bucks in tips that year. } } One thing that the Oracle has going for him is that the gifts owed are } so rarely collected - I get a lot of "the check is in the e-mail" type } of replies, rather than, say, the 12 cases of dragon repellant and the } fair maiden that I am STILL owed from somewhere around Oracularity 560. } Also, many of the gifts that I demand are not something that you could } put an intrinsic value on, which also means it's not taxable.  Or at } least not provable. } } The key, my friend, is to creatively name things.  Take, for instance, } the 30 pounds of gold I got a few weeks back - I consider that to } be, for tax purposes anyway, a heavy metal, for which I am providing } storage and disposal. As there are many companies (waste managemant, } for instance), who make a living taking heavy metals from people } and disposing of them properly, I took this as a tax DEDUCTION, } based on the quantity of this heavy metal.  Even though I did not } actually CHARGE the supplicant for disposing of his gold, I donated } the resources of the storage and disposal of said "hazardous waste", } and wrote the donation off on my taxes. } } So, you see, with enough creativity you can write off just about } anything.  You just need to know how to look at it. } } You owe the Oracle a cake with a file in it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle who is, no, who can, no...hmmm let me start over. > > Orrie, you and me have been friends for a long time. Instead of the > normal grovelling, O, let me tell you a little story. And I swear, I am > not making any of this up... > > I left my previous employer almost three years ago. You know, the one > who provided me with mail and news.  Arriving with my current employer, > I discovered that I had no news, no mail, and alas, no Oracle.  As a > frequent grovelling supplicant and incarnation, I suffered severe > Oracular withdrawal. Oh sure, I had printed some digests, but even your > wisdom can get stale as the paper yellows. > > So I knew I had to act.  It was difficult, painful, and time-consuming, > but you already know how motivating withdrawal can be, right?  First, I > had to convince my new employer to get us online.  To do this I first > had to get rid of the old sysadmin and install my own hand-picked > replacement.  This took a year, during which I developed severe eye > ticks and wore the edges off the printed digests. > > Having done that, we then had to convince the finance people that they > could make money by buying something.  This was not easy, but > eventually we prevailed. Another six months. My psychaitrist prescribed > dexedrine to keep me awake and valium to help me sleep  and the printed > digests fell apart at the folds. > > So we buy the hardware, select a provider, dump the provider, select > another provider. Six more months.  I'm on Prozac now, and the digests > have crumbled into dust. > > I get assigned to another project, with a different network and a > different operating system. My handpicked sysadmin quits and his > replacement doesn't have time to install a newsreader. I find a free > news site that I can reach via two telnet hops, and nearly a babbling > idiot, for the first time in almost THREE YEARS, I read the words as > they pour life-giving energy into my depleted body: **ZOT**. > > So, that's it for the grovelling.  Sincere grovelling.  And now my > question: Did you miss me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God, yes.  You have no idea how much I miss real supplicants like you, } instead of those bastard "Uhhh...where's my cat?" people-things.  Just } keep submitting and your withdrawal symptoms will go away.  BTW, you } might have considered an ISP while you were waiting for your employer } to let you email again...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wonderous Oracle, thou who is so amazing that Steven Spielberg > doesnt even dare to make an Amazing Story about you. You know > everything and were even gracious enough not to publish the details of > my adolescent growth chart. Could you please tell me. > > When I grow up will I be a Big Mac or A Whopper. > > Thanks very much, > > M.O.O. Cow

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tragically enough, you are destined, after a long and successful career } of providing milk, to become 140 White Castle "Sliders".  Indeed, you } will be the official "cause of death" listed for one Kevin Bernstein, } who will collapse from a heart attack after setting the record for most } Sliders in one setting. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a free cholesterol screening.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when in Rome is it really best to do as the Roman's do, or should one > just be true to oneself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In these more recent times it is acceptable in most instances to do as } you usually do but under no circumstances should you do as the } Visigoths did. } } You owe the Oracle a serving of lasagna, please.  Lots of sauce and } lots of cheese.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> most unusual library source

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} sentence fragment } owe Oracle grammar book

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Fuzzy Oracle, who is the only one on the Internet who knows > that I am a dog, who do humans have such puny noses? >                                                       -Fido

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I should think they've outgrown muzzles! I mean, it's 1995, } they've got semiconductors, superconductors, medicine and religion! } They've got nuclear power, space travel, satellite telecommunications, } and an intricate globally-recognized currency system. They've *been* } to the Moon and back, while you lot have been too busy *howling* at it } to even notice! } } And what are you doing about it all? Furiously attempting to establish } an interspecies dialogue and a technology transfer program? } } Nooo! } } It's always, sure, you'd love to -- it's just that you've got to mark } off this bit of territory first so that big bloodhound won't get it. } Or, sure, maybe tomorrow -- it's just that tonight you've got a date } with this gorgeous little Welsh Corgi to go dig for dinner at the } landfill. } } Come on, Fido! Stand up and show a little backbone! You're a } vertebrate now! It's time you started acting like one. } } Do you know that humans are building a global information society } based on semiconductor technology? They can send messages around the } *world* in seconds! That kind of puts your territorial squabbles in a } different perspective, doesn't it? You've got to catch up, Fido! } } I'm sorry to say it, Fido, and you know I'll always love you, but I'm } really disappointed in you. You've got to get up on your feet and } start thinking about your future! The future of dogs everywhere! } } I'm worried about you, Fido. I'm afraid you're going to end up like } your father. Do you want to end up like your father? "Sacrificed" on } the altar of human medicine? Are you ready to give up your life so } that some old geezing monkey might live a little longer? Think about } it, Fido! That's the trouble with you lot, you're always so bloody } amazingly, touchingly, eye-wateringly *loyal*! ... } } ... look at me now, talking to the dog again... I need to get out of } the Palace more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie! > > I just got word of secret lemur plans to take over the NBC broadcasting > network.  Can you tell me what NBC programs will be like if they > succeed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Nocturnal Broadcasting Company. } Mind you, I will not contribute to the world of speculation these } rumors have caused. I will say that if it were to happen, you might see } this. } } E.R.: "The same, but different." Their new slogan will usher in a new } drama, not about a hospital, but about a veterinary clinic. } } M.A.S.H.: "The forgotten story." The forgotten story of all the rodents } killed when landmines were planted in their family rooms. Starring } identical twin woodchucks as Pippy and Zippy, the woodchuck babies who } wander into the M.A.S.H. 4077, and are adopted by Radar. } } The Nightly News will be replaced by the Today show, and the Today show } will be replaced by the Nightly News. } } Seinfeld will add a lovable rodent character to play the love interest } of George, pushing the borders of acceptable romance on network } television. } } Educational programming will be banned becuse Lemurs already know } pretty much everything there is to know. } } All AFC football games will be played on natural grass. Stepping on a } lemur will be an automatic 15 yard penalty. Plenty of lemurs will be } imported from Zaire to make the game more interesting. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to the broadway revival of Tarzan, the } lyricless musical.