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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is it that police officers can pop in at the least expected times > while driving fast.  IE on a very long straight road where you can see > for miles.??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Police officers are issued several licenses after graduation from } Authority Academy.  One better-known license is for firearms.  But very } few mortals outside of the sphere of the police themselves are aware of } the standard-issue Dramatic License.  This allows officers to } conveniently ignore or modify the laws of physics if doing so would } advance your personal story line.  So, given a moment in which it would } be most poignant or ironic for a summons to be issued, a cop will } invoke the old DL, and *ZOT*!  There they are. } } You owe the Oracle license and registration.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I guess I'm going to get blamed again, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it is all your fault, isn't it? After all, you were responsible } for the sinking of "One Australia" in the America's cup yacht race, you } were asleep on the job at Chernobyl. You left your iceberg in the way } when the Titanic sunk, you put your black t-shirt in with your mum's } white sheets in the wash. You were in the audience of the pilot for } 90210 and voted yes, it should go into production. Remember, if all } else fails, blame the new guy who doesn't speak the national language. } } Thank you for not burdening the Oracle with all your mistakes, but you } still owe the Oracle a new pair of socks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, when a musical group releases a greatest hits > compilation album, and then later releases an album with > completely new songs on it, does that mean that the new > songs aren't great?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We spoke with Fred Schmertzwerth, the lead screecher for the } up-and-coming Seattle rock group Dumping Ground, for the lowdown on } that question. } } O: [ding] Mr. Schmertzwerth, it's me, the Usenet Oracle. } } S: Orrie! I'll be right down. } } We walked into his living room, a pleasant, homely (if spartan) } accomodation smelling pleasantly of marijuana and sauteed shoes. } } O: Thank you so much for your time, Fred. } } S: Glad to help, Orrie. } } O: As the viewers at home know, you've just released your greatest hits }      album, Taking A Dump.  And of course, next month is Dumping }      Ground's next record, Sailing the Seas of Tofu.  What we want to }      know is, does that mean such classics as Federal Bong and My }      Girlfriend's Cat is the Antichrist are no longer great, what with }      the impending release of more potential classics? } } S: Well, Orrie, that's long been a subject of debate among the music }      community.  My personal take on the subject is that any song }      written after an attempt to smoke your own height on the bong is }      great.  Even greater if you actually do it. } } At this point Fred began to demonstrate.  He did in fact have a bong as } tall as him, and managed to suck down about four feet of smoke before } dropping to the floor in a coughing fit.  He then sat up and wrote the } following song: } } Weird Fudge, by Fred Schmertzwerth } }      As if my pasta chef cared }      Not like I ever dared }      The pizza is purple }      The chicken parm is fresh }      I like to sing like Adam Sandler }      And jam on the theremin with John Tesh } } refrain }      So kill my spaghetti demon }      And fry my linguini lord }      and hit the lights with the baccala }      and bonk me with a gourd } }      sukiyakiyukiyakiyukiyakiyukiyaki } }      And tomorrow's just a black hole }      On the ravioli of today }      And the spiedini in the bowl }      All have something to say }      But my linguini lord has lost it }      And so have I, I'm a manta ray! } } refrain } }      And they say every song needs a bridge }      So this is it }      We don't usually put one in because it's tough }      We'd rather pig out on italian food } } (At this point, a musical bit that can only be described as a couch } solo) } }      And I don't wanna rhyme }      And I don't have to make sense }      Because I'm from Seattle }      And I don't have to } } Refrain until deafness } } And I have to admit, after a couple of hits, it really started to make } sense. } } So in general, the whole question of...wait a minute, what was it } again? } } Oh, frig it, gimme a Twinkie. } } You owe the Oracle a logic board.  I fried mine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   But that trick never works. } }   And now, here's something I know I'll really like: } }   <<ZOT!>> } }   (No doubt about it, I gotta get another batch of supplicants.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mostly (OK, totally) mighty Oracle, > > How many licks does it take to get to the center of a soda pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, an original question! I don't know the answer! } } So let us experiment. } } <BAMF!> } } Hi, gimme six Cokes. Thanks. Do you take Olympian Express? No? Okay, } I won't force it on you. } } <BAMF!> } } Hmm... Well, I suppose the procedure is clear. Start counting! } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick <BREATHE> mmgg. I gotta get a glafthfht of watebtb. } How mady wafthf <smack smack> How many was that already? } } WHAT?! I told you to keep count! Damn. Well, we'll have to try a } fresh one, this one's ruined now. <Popfssht> <glug glug glug glug> } Ahhhh. Now, keep careful count! } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } } How many is that? } } 33? Hmm. The soda pop doesn't seem much affected yet. I'll carry } on. Ready to count? } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick <BREATHE>. } } <Wheeze!> How many is that? } } Um.. This may take a while. Count. } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick <BREATHE>. } } [57 minutes and 7081 licks later:] } } <Wheeze> lick <wheeze> lick <wheeze> lick <wheeze> <gasp> Bleah. } } I don't think this is going to yield a result. } Will you take a lower constraint for an answer? } } Oh, have mercy! } } Fine. Fine! Count!! } } Lick lick lick <wheeze>. } Lick lick lick <wheeze>. } Lick lick lick <wheeze>. } Lick lick lick <wheeze>. } } [... and so it goes, until ...] } } Lick <wheeze gasp wheeze>. Hey! I'm tasting something! I'm tasting } something!  Lick lick lick lick <scratch> <slurp> I'm through! I can } stick my tongue through the hole! I CAN REACH THE CENTER! } } That's it! <glugglugglugglugglug> <toss> <clang!> <BUR-R-R-R-RP!> } } Phew! I must have ingested 20,000% of the Olympus RDA of aluminium. } See, my tongue is reflecting the sunlight! <Bleah> <ppththp> <blah!> } Hee hee... How many licks was that, then? } } You sure? You really counted every one? 117651... Wow. } } Well, now we know!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me the meaning of life o great oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    That's an intriguing question, o seeker of knowledge!  Interestingly } enough, there isn't just one meaning of life.... it's different } for everyone!  Depends on who you are and what you are destined to } accomplish in life! }      For example, a young man asked me that question a few days ago. } Knowing that he is going to solve the mystery of cold fusion twelve } years from now, I told him the meaning of life is: PHYSICS!  He went } happily on his way, another satisfied customer.  Not too long ago, } a tall guy who was questioning some career choices he made recently } asked me about the meaning of life.  I told him, "Michael, my man, } it definitely ain't baseball!" and he's much happier now. }      Of course, all of this doesn't answer *your* question!  For you, o } pilgrim, the meaning of life is "Spam."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle who is, no, who can, no...hmmm let me start over. > > Orrie, you and me have been Instead of the normal grovelling, O, let me > tell you a little story. And I swear, I am not making any of this up... > > I left my previous employer almost three years ago. You know, the one > who provided me with mail and news.  Arriving with my current employer, > I discovered that I had no news, no mail, and alas, no Oracle.  As a > frequent grovelling supplicant and incarnation, I suffered severe > Oracular withdrawal. Oh sure, I had printed some digests, but even your > wisdom can get stale as the paper yellows. > > So I knew I had to act.  It was difficult, painful, and time-consuming, > but you already know how motivating withdrawal can be, right?  First, I > had to convince my new employer to get us online.  To do this I first > had to get rid of the old sysadmin and install my own hand-picked > replacement.  This took a year, during which I developed severe eye > ticks and wore the edges off the printed digests. > > Having done that, we then had to convince the finance people that they > could make money by buying something.  This was not easy, but > eventually we prevailed. Another six months. My psychaitrist prescribed > dexedrine to keep me awake and valium to help me sleep  and the printed > digests fell apart at the folds. > > So we buy the hardware, select a provider, dump the provider, select > another provider. Six more months.  I'm on Prozac now, and the digests > have crumbled into dust. > > I get assigned to another project, with a different network and a > different operating system. My handpicked sysadmin quits and his > replacement doesn't have time to install a newsreader. I find a free > news site that I can reach via two telnet hops, and nearly a babbling > idiot, for the first time in almost THREE YEARS, I read the words as > they pour life-giving energy into my depleted body: **ZOT**. > > So, that's it for the grovelling.  Sincere grovelling.  And now my > question: Did you miss me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **ZOT** Missed } **ZOT** Missed } ***ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT**** } } Got him.  Don't miss you anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a flame broiled bacon burger.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent woodchuck of them all! > > My adoration for you is without bounds, uncomprehensibly large! I > grovel in front you, almighty! The species of woodchuck is the most > nobel one in the universe, and You, Oh Greatest One, are the absolute > best of the best, on heights more unreachable than the most far of > quasars! Please consider my humble question, if I am not unworthy... > > What should I do to get ZOTted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrgh..  I can't believe my eyes..  You DARE call ME by that name, that } species, that furry spawn from hell..  well, I COULD just *ZOT* the } hell out of you, but I'd rather tell you what you REALLY are..  A } spineless woodchuck worshipping sphincter-brained turd eater!  Hah! } What do you have to say to THAT? } } >incoming message from axon@senate.gov } } Uh oh..  Now I've really done it.. } } >This message has been sent to inform you that the e-mail message you } >are currently composing has been found to violate the Net Decency Code } >in several ways, notably uses of the words "hell", "sphincter", and } >"turd". Further use of such obscene terms will result in federal } >prosecution with a possible fine of up to $100,000 if convicted. } } Wait a minute.  I'm an omnipotent being!  I'm not subject to U.S. } federal laws! } } >You are conducting business in U.S. territory, therefore our laws } >apply to you.  Be happy.  Be productive.  Pay your taxes.  That is } >all. } } Sheesh...  Something has to be done about this.. } } zot exon@senate.gov } } Hmm..  It looks as though I've answered your question.  All you have to } do is be elected to public office, and be directly responsible for the } Imminent Death of the Net(tm). } } You owe your signature on the petition against S. 314.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle, > >      Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Axl, why'd you bother doing such a cheesy cover of that song?  You } should have known you couldn't top the original.  And you send me the } question with no groveling at all!  I'd *zot* the hell out of you, but } all that would accomplish is that you would be martyred like another } singer I could name..  (Hint: The line "forever in debt to your } priceless advice.."  Guess who he was asking for help.  Everything was } going fine too, til he asked me that damned w**dchuck question..) } } Anyway, give my best to Slash, and get yer ass back in the studio. } } You owe the Oracle a _decent_ followup to _Appetite for Destruction_ } and a concert where you take the stage on time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Internal Revenue Service > Washington, D.C. > April 4, 1995 > > Attention Mr. "Oracle" -- > >       This is to inform you that you are about to be audited. The > Internal Revenue Service (henceforth referred to as "The Spanish > Inquisition", or "the I.R.S.") has a number of concerns regarding > your past returns. A few representative examples: > > -- For the tax year 1993, you declared gross income of $6,125.25, and > deductions of $12.4 million, thus resulting in a net taxable income > of zero. However, a survey of your publication "The Usenet > Oracularities", indicates that you requested payments in kind > equivalent to a cash value of $137 million, in the published responses > alone. This is, to say the least, a serious discrepancy. > > -- In addition, no royalties for said publication (the "Oracularities") > have ever been declared. As well, no payroll taxes were paid for your > employees (the "Priests"); you indicated that they are entirely, as you > put it, "involuntary volunteers", compensated solely in Spam(TM). No > large purchases of Spam have ever been registered in your name; > however, there has been a suspiciously high rate of disappearance of > house pets all over the state of Indiana in the past few years. > > -- Six months ago, Mr. Jack Snodgrass, an IRS investigator, was > dispatched to secure an in-depth interview with you and scrutinize > your accounting practices. He has not been seen since, although > possible traces of his DNA were located in a suspicious pile of ash > discovered later. Mr. Snodgrass' family is considering legal action, > involving possible punitive damages. > > In the light of these distressing events, we have determined that it > would be best for all concerned for a full audit, with the usual R&T > (Rack and Thumbscrews) procedures, to be held as soon as possible. > Expect an IRS team of commando accountants and legal paratroupers to > arrive on Thursday at 2:00 PM. > >                               Yours Truly, >                                               Alvin DeSade, >                                               Auditor in Chief

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alvin DeSade } Auditor-in-Chief } Internal Parasite Service } Washington, D.C. } } Dear Mr. DeSade, } }     From the tone of your letter, it appears that you are unaware of } a recent change in the tax laws.  As part of the GOP's "Contract with } Valhalla" (lesser known than its cousin, but so much more important), } Oracular Entities have been granted tax preferences of which you } mortals can only dream. } }     Indeed, I recently wrote off all the expenses of this temple } here.  Business deduction, doncha know.  My priestly servants? } Writeoff.  SPAM(tm) costs?  Writeoff.  And with the distribution costs } of the Oracularities -- I write off the total cost of the Internet } every year. } }     Punitive damages?  Hah!  Just try and get me in Court.  The } federal courts lost jurisdiction over all Olympians on January 2. } }     In return for these benefits, we provided little services to the } present leadership of the House and Senate.  For example, Loki here } clouded the minds of most of the State of California (and you wondered } how Prop 187 passed!).  Aphrodite there made Bob Dole appear lovable. } Yes, you're too late, DeSade.  Too late indeed. } }                                                   Love, } }                                                   Orrie