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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Glorious Oracle, please answer my humble question: > > If a person says they're a vegetarian, and they don't eat any meat like > beef, pork, veal, or mutton, but they do eat fish and shrimp, are they > really a vegetarian? > > O Thank you, Oracle of Oracles, for listening to my humble question. > > *grovel grovel grovel* *grovel grovel grovel grovel*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       O worthy supplicant, } } Your groveling has been noted and appreciated.  Your question is a } worthy one. Many vegetarians seem to think that by eating meat, they } are abusing or oppressing the animals.  The problem is that the animal } never gave its permission to be eaten.  If this is the philosophy, } then what separates a cow from a fish?  Neither wants to be eaten! } These people are not vegetarians, they are the vilest of hypocrites. }       But if you don't eat meat of any sort, are you holding to the } philosophy behind vegetarianism?  NO!!!  What about the milk you drink? } That cow never gave its permission to be milked!  Just think of all } the cows in the world who are hooked up to torturous machines that } forcibly extract liquids from their bodies every day without rest, } just so you can eat your @@!#?!* corn flakes! }       But wait, there's more!  What about the leather clothes you wear? } What about the poor, defenseless mice that we deliberately slaughter } with spring-loaded boobytraps?  How about the millions of insects that } die meaningless deaths on the windshields of our cars?  Every time you } wash your dishes, you're slaughtering thousands of innocent bacteria! } What did they ever do to you?  No, my grovelling supplicant, there } are no true vegetarians. }       The whole idea wsa a bad one to start with.  Eventually, the } philosophy of vegetarianism will cease to exist because someone will } actually breed a meat animal that not only wants to be eaten, but is } intelligent enough to say so! } }       You owe the oracle a shrimp salad.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that on the Star Trek television shows (the original, Star > Trek the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager) whenever an > "away" team beams down from the ship the leader of the team always > says, "Set phasers on stun", and everyone changes the settings on their > phasers.  Why aren't the phasers AUTOMATICALLY set on stun? What were > the phasers set to?  Mildly annoy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     I am so glad you asked this, I have been meaning to bring this up } to the producers of the Star Trek shows in our weekly meetings.  One } time when we were setting up the premise of the show we decided that } the phasers should be defaulted to "Wipe out everything in your path" } that way if they found that they were in harms way they could WOEIYP! } However since the new producers were not in those early meetings, they } have no idea what we decided on so long ago.  In future episodes you } may hear the phrase "Set Phasers to annoy only" and you will know that } your concern has been heard by the producers and writers. } } Live long and, oh hell, do what ever you want to do!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O Oracle Most Wise in the ways of PersonHoodKind, > > I just saw this Microsoft BOB thing and I'm curious... > >   * Does this mean that Bill Gates is a member of the Church of >     Subgenius? > >   * Is Bill Gates the Anti-Bob? (For we all know that the Anti-Bob >     tries to pass himself off as the Real Bob.) > >   * Is it the SECOND COMING of BOB? > >   * Why isn't the smiley face smoking a pipe? > >   * If your name is Bob, do you need to pay Microsoft a royalty? > >   * Is Microsoft paying the Church of Subgenius a royalty since Bob is >     one of THEIR trademarks? > >   * What does BOB think of all this? > >   * What does it all mean? > > I await your answers with baited breath, oh wise one. > > -Zeke

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Church, eh?  Well, they're in competition with me, but I'll answer } your question anyway, since } } a) you groveled pretty well (relatively speaking, of course.  Back in } the old days... well, don't get me started...  I'd probably segue into } how I used to... well, nevermind.), and } } b) This gives me a chance to expose them as the brainwashing cult of } evil that they are, spreading their vines of putrescence everywhere. } Oops!  SubGenius, not Scientology.  Sorry, nevermind part b. } } Bill is not the Anti-Bob, since he's not trying to be Bob.  If you } install MS Bob on your machine, however, it BECOMES the Anti-Bob. } Role-play accordingly. }  And since this is the Anti-Bob, you can tell it's clearly not the } Second Coming of Bob... } } The smiley face doesn't smoke a pipe for one obvious reason.  His mouth } is a line, and the pipe wouldn't fit. } } My name isn't Bob, so your next question requires no answer. } } Well, the Church of the SubGenius is generally nice about their } trademark, and they allowed Microsoft royalty-free use of the name } before they realized Bob's true nature.  They were deceived into } thinking Bob was going to be a program for distribution and cutting of } slack.  Unfortunately, allowing its use is irrevocable without some } heavy legal guns. } } What does BOB think of all this?  Well, I went over and asked him.  It } went a little like this.  Roll the tape, Scott. } } O: So, Bob, a supplicant has asked me what you think of Microsoft Bob. } So, tell me, what do you think of Microsoft Bob? } } B: Well, I believe that it's doomed to failure, ridicule, and GPFs, } since it's the Anti-Me. } } O: Thanks, Bob. } } B: Tell your supplicant he should get a copy of Linux if he wants to } escape the Anti-Me. } } O: Sorry, I don't do product endorsements, and neither should you. } } B: Oh, yeah. } } What's it all mean?  It means that the Anti-Bob is doomed to failure, } ridicule, and GPFs.  You owe the Oracle a copy of The Book of the } SubGenius, since it and my copy of Microsoft Bob annihilated each other } when I accidentally let them touch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, your wisdom and intelligence are unbounded > and unmatched, and I grovel before you in the hopes that you > can provide me with a solution to my problem. > > I design PC boards for an electronics manufacturer.  For > years, I have been designing Printed Circuit boards, and I > have got quite good at it (though I say so myself).  But > in recent times, the acronym "PC" has taken on an entirely > different meaning, and now I find that I have to design > Politically Correct boards.  This is much more difficult, > especially in today's political climate.  Is there anything > I can do to ease this burden on me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, no.  Navigating today's minefield of political } correctness is a complex and daunting task.  However, if you keep in } mind a few general rules of PC, you should be able to sidestep the } worst of the fallout. } } Rule #1:  Always refer to the making of PC PC boards as }           "personfacture", never "manufacture". } } Rule #2:  Always use recycled and recyclable parts.  For PC PC boards, }           this burden is eased somewhat by the millions of obsolete }           Macintoshes and Amigas which are readily available for }           cannibalization. } } Rule #3:  No animals may be harmed in the personfacture of the board. }           This also means that only "natural" nonpolluting energy }           sources -- wind, solar, etc -- may be used, and these sources }           may not disrupt the native habitats of any animal from }           Spotted Owls to wood lice. } } Rule #4:  Warnings about the potential health risks involved with the }           device must be printed in large type directly on the product, }           preferably in at least five languages. } } Rule #5:  You must make an effort to employ at least one person of }           every ethnic group.  Furthermore, you must know the }           appropriate reference for that group for that week.  For }           instance, persons under 5'5" may not be referred to as }           "short"; they are "vertically challenged". } } Following these simple rules will help you to avoid some of the more } common pitfalls of PC-ness.  As another rule of thumb, try not to } piss off any organization with more than 10 members or an annual } income of over $200,000. } } You owe the Oracle a box of environment-friendly floppy disks, any } size.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'd like to know what is an Archie , Gopher and any other term used on > the NET such as a WEB. > > And how do I contact other sites from InfoRamp such as the library of > Waterloo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, yes, a novice Net-surfer. } } OK, here's the quick version of what you need to know. } } DEFINITIONS FOR THE SURFING NEWBIE: } ___________________________________ } } Archie:  A program designated to tell stupid jokes, and sing bad songs. }          There are public domain programs which are very similar in use }          and actions, known as JUGHEAD and VERONICA.  Not to be }          confused with SCOOBIE and RASTRO, these are different }          applications. } } Gopher:  That goofy porter on the Loveboat.  Now a senator from Iowa. } } Web:     A nifty device linking many sites together.  Best application }          for this service is known as CHARLOTTE, available by anonymous }          FTP from wellington@waterloo.ui.edu } } You owe the Oracle a nice Mosaic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all knowing oracle, I was told this limerick was truth, > but how can it be... > > There once was a woman named Bright, > Whose speed was much faster than light. > She left one day, > In a relative way, > And returned on the previous night.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you go from point A to point B, } With d/t more than c, }   That trip is the same }   (In another man's frame) } As a leap back in time. QED. } } You owe the Oracle a starship, and a tall to steer her by. } d

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most financially astute Oracle, whose monopoly on great wisdom, after > the recent out-of-court settlement that was in all the news, will > certainly never be the target of an investigation by the Justice > Department of the United States, nor of the Economic Ministry of the > European Union, I ask of you the following: > > I've decided to sell my immortal soul to Microsoft: whom do I contact, > and would I get a better price from someone else, such as Lotus > Development Corporation?  (I also considered IBM, but I've heard they > have started re-selling the souls of all their employees to raise cash > and leasing them back as contractors.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck!  MicroSoft recetly released MicroSoft SoulCapture 2.1, } and really handy utility for just this purpose!  It's Windows-only, } but its simple point-and-click interface allows you to follow its } easy procedures in minimal time.  And, before you know it, your soul } will indeed be part of the great conglomerate of programming patches } and not-so-intuitive pull-down menus that we've all come to love! } } My favorite part is the free screen saver that comes with it - a } devil-suit clad Bill Gates laughing maniacally as he shoves copies } of Windows 95 down uesrs' throats. } } By the way, if the program crashes your PC, it's because of something } you did.  It's not the fault of MicroSoft.  Nope.  Never. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of OS/2 Warp.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever be famous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on what you mean by 'famous' - do you mean that you will } be known as a household word, or that your face will appear on monetary } bills?  Or do you mean that you will be known as the guy who started } the next billion-dollar business, or that you will be a prominent actor } in award-winning movies?  Or do you mean that you will be a well known } power in diplomacy or on the internet?  Or do you mean that you will } get your question in the Oracularities? } } Pardon? } } Oh, why didn't you stop me earlier?  Yes - if you don't eat for a week } you WILL be famished. } } You owe the Oracle a hearing aid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great all-knower of the universe, please answer my mind sweeping > question that gives me sleepless nights: > > What was the *real* cause of the sinking of the great ship Titanic, > which is now known to rest in two parts at the bottom of the ocean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's good to find a supplicant who doesn't believe any of that stuff } about icebergs and explosions.  The truth is a tragic story of tape and } arrogance. } } It's a little known fact that the bow and stern of the titanic were } made in two different cities.  This was, in fact, a routine practice at } the time.  Usually, the two halves were glued together with model } cement.  It works on everything from volkswaggens to aircraft carriers } to space shuttles. } } Well, this time, though, the two halves did not fit together.  It was a } problem.  They sent out a message on alt.ships soliciting a ship } fixxer. } } Your great grandmother was the lowest bidder. The job was hers. } } She looked at the problem and was stumped.  So she asked the oracle. } } The oracle could have averted the catastrophe to come (meaning the } Geraldo special of '88).  But your great grand-mother approached the } oracle in arrogance.  Her grovel went something to the effect of, "Oh } oracular one, who knows a little more than I do, but still can't darn a } sock, who I think is a decent enough being, but still had better get my } daughter in by 11, hurry up and tell me what I can do to fix the } Titanic." } } The oracle was annoyed with your great grandmother.  So the oracle had } a great time with her daughter--your grandmother!--and told your great } grandmother that she could "use masking tape, for all the oracle } cared." } } That's exactly what she did.  Thinking she had the oracle on her side, } she said that the Titanic was "unsinkable." And once the Titanic got } into those cold, iceberg infested waters, the tape peeled off. } } And the rest, grandchild, is history. } } You owe the oracle a promise to go fishing some time in the arctic sea.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, the driving force in my life: > > I recently purchaced a car with "all wheel drive."  The problem is that > the steering wheel only affects the direction of the four wheels on my > own car and does nothing to the wheels on any other cars.  How can I > repair the steering such that ALL wheels change direction, and not just > the wheels on my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not the driving force in your life, my humble one. People always } think that! You, and you alone, possess the force which  hurtles } you down the highway of life, caroms you off of the center divider, } edges you occasionally into the gravel at the shoulder,  and ultimately } deposits you before the Great Trash Compactor  whereupon you become a } shining cube in the vast junkyard of human existence.  Although I am } not the driving force in your life,  I am the catalytic converter of } your life, that is to say, a reaction chamber containing a  finely } divided platinum-iridium device which oxidizes your excesses into } carbon components and water whereupon they harmlessly blend with the } ether, without disrupting your neighbors.. } } I must inform you that the "problem" you have reported with your "all } wheel drive" car is NOT covered under warranty. The glad tidings are } that there is nothing mechanically wrong with your car . The problem is } merely one of perception.  You see,  the wheels on all the other cars } ARE turning. It is the wheels on YOUR vehicle which remain stationary. } Just as the ancients believed that the Sun went "around" the earth, } so you perceive YOUR  wheels to be turning as you engage your "all } wheel drive" .  It is, of course the other way around -- when you } engage your AWD, all wheels, save your own ,spin and turn side to } side at your command to provide you with a clear path. Hopefully, } you can engage your all wheel drive without getting out to change } the hubs by hand.  You have probably seen people by the side of the } road appearing to "change tires".  What they are actually doing, } of course, is changing the hubs to "All Wheel Drive" on every car on } earth, one by one, because they didn't wish to spend a little extra } money to get all wheel drive you can engage with a shift of a lever } from the comfort of the interior of your car. } } You owe the Oracle a whiff of that "new car smell".