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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise of all the Oracles to have ever existed, tell me, Great > One, exactly why did the dinosaurs die out, and did they ever drink > coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer your question, let's listen in to one Tuesday at the start of } the Cenozoic Era. Two dinosaurs, coincidentally named Fred and Ethel, } are munching their way through the forest. } } Ethel: You really should try this conifer. It's quite tasty. } } Fred: Actually, I'm quiet content with being a carnivore, Ethel. You } know that. } } Ethel: This isn't turning into another of those how-are-we-going-to- } raise-our-child discussions, is it? } } Fred: No, I'm just saying that I like meat. And it's not like it will } hurt the boy. } } Ethel: I'm not raising our son as a bloodthirsty carnivore, and that's } final. } } Fred: You know, I've heard that you can't get complete protein from } plants alone. } } Ethel: Well, I've heard that eating meat is bad for your health. } } Fred: Only when it fights back. } } Ethel: I want our son to love every living thing. } } Fred: The boy's a wimp. } } Ethel: I've been teaching him to sing songs and never to eat meat. } } Fred: The bigger dinos tease him about his color. } } Ethel: Well, that's because they're mean meat-eating bigots, I say. } } Fred: He's been beaten up three times this week. I should teach him to } defend himself. } } Ethel: With what? Those puny forearms? } } Fred: That's just it. He hasn't had the chance to fight for himself. } } Ethel: And he's not going to. He's a sweet boy, don't spoil him. } } Fred: I'm not going to spoil him. I just want him to be able to show } the other dinos that he can take care of himself. } } At this point, Fred tried to eat a drumstick from a proto-chicken and, } as fate would have it, he choked on the bone. Since the Heimlich } maneuver wouldn't be invented for another 65 million years, Fred's luck } ran out. } } So you see, that was how one dino died out. It's important to note that } Fred and Ethel's son survived, even though Fred never was able to teach } him how to defend himself. Ethel taught him more songs, and the other } dinos decided that they weren't interested in him anymore. } } Oh, and Fred liked his coffee black (non-dairy creamer not having been } invented yet) and Ethel drank hers decaf. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) the } end of one dinosaur.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How computer networks work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well it depends on what kind of computer network you're } looking at.  Different networks work in different ways. } } Let's consider as an example one commonly used network: } Ethernet.  An Ethernet consists of a fine web made up } of strands of ether.  (That's not the chemical ether they } use to anesthetize fruit flies in the biology lab.  It's } the ether that radio waves are transmitted through.)  This } web is strung up throughout the building, especially in } the vicinity of the light fixtures, and it traps photons } which get entangled in it. } } The photons are then used as messengers to send data } between the various computers on the network.  There's } a coaxial cable which is used as a roadway by the photons. } } You may hear talk about master-slave protocols.  The } photons are the slaves. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise on HappyNet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do birds think of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A truly insightful question, whose true answer few mortals have ever } guessed.  (The last one who did guess was Sir Isaac Newton.  More on } that in a minute.) } } It is commonly thought that all birds think about is eating, } sleeping, escaping from predators, flying south for the winter, } defending their territory, mating and nesting (in season).  Nothing } could be further from the truth.  Birds do all these things entirely } by instinct, without thinking of them at all. } } No, what birds actually think about is mathematics.  Birds are } tutored in basic arithmetic by their parents, and most of them have } mastered algebra and trigonometry before they leave the nest. } } Sir Isaac Newton was an extremely bright man, but he did not actually } invent calculus himself.  He observed a flock of robins, and noticed } a certain pattern in their activities.  He studied this pattern } carefully, and suddenly realized that the birds were calculating the } area of arbitrarily curved shapes.  He promptly set to work } expressing this new area of math in a form that humans could more } readily understand.  Have you ever noticed how an integral sign looks } rather like a worm?  That's what the robins were using. } } Birds' expertise extends to the higher mathematics, as well, such as } topology.  When humans finally solved the four-color map theorem a } few years ago, it was hailed as a major achievement.  But had they } only looked to the birds, they could have saved themselves a lot of } trouble.  Sparrows proved that theorem over 400 years ago. } } In future, when you hear the birds' song, listen carefully, You never } know when you might pick up some useful tidbit of mathematical } knowledge. } } The sole exception to this is the ostrich, which is quite } stupid^H^H^H^H^H^Hintellectually challenged, and can't do anything } much at all without an adding machine. } } You owe the Oracle a talking parrot, so he can carry on some truly } intelligent conversation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, knower of the known and unknown alike, Keeper of the > kept, unkept, and unkempt, please help me find the answer. > > I wonder, wonder, wonder.  WHO?  Who wrote the book of love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was written by Monserasto, vizier to King Hammurabi } of Babylonia, in 1937 BC.  Regrettably, it is no longer } in print. } } You owe the Oracle a translation into English, on CD-ROM.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh benevelent one.... > > What, pray tell, is the purpose of the collar on a dress shirt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To give mistresses' lipstick a place to be found by wives. } } You owe the Oracle a stammering denial, followed by a week of sleeping } on the couch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          Dear stupendous Oracle; > >              My car is always broken and it's becoming *VERY* >          expensive and *VERY* frustrating.  It seems that every time I >          hit the breaks, it breaks.  If they have a pedal on the floor >          that breaks the car, why don't they have one that fixes it? > >          PS: Also, there is a button on the dash called "lighter", and >          I keep pushing it but don't seem to be loosing any weight. >          Why not?  And putting the shifter in "overdrive" won't let me >          drive over the slow car in front of me.  How come?  [Ring >          .... ring]  Excuse me, I have a phone call. > >          [The supplicant steps away from his computer for a moment] > >          Sorry, I am changing my question to ... > >                           "How do I drive my mother?" > >          Please hurry with your answer.  My sister just called and >          said I have to drive my mother to the hospital.  I know how >          to drive my car, but not how to drive my mother. > >          Can I sit on her without hurting her? > >          How fast can she go? > >          Where do I put the gas? > >          Is she good on wet roads? > >          What if she dies enroute, how would I get her started again? > >          *PLEASE* hurry with your answer, this means life or death!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STOP right there. Your mother is not, repeat NOT a motor vehicle. Do } not attempt to use her in that manner. If you intend to drive your } mother to the hospital, you need a three wood. } } You owe the Oracle some ideas for a Mother's Day gift.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               O great and mighty oracle. >               Can you tell me this: > >               My friend told me that I was loosing my mind. >               Where did it go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It flew up through gap between your text and the left hand margin. } } You owe the Oracle a grammar checker capable of intelligently } discriminating between "looser" and "loser".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's Vanilla Ice been up to lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, a while back it was involved in a menage-a-trous } with Chocolate Ice and Strawberry Ice in Naples.  That } relationship held on for years, but then the three } gradually started to drift apart from each other. } } After that, Vanilla Ice had a wild fling with Hot Fudge } (which ended up with somebody's cherry getting lost), but } that didn't last very long.  They both had a great time, } but they soon found out they weren't compatible. } } Following that break-up, it tried getting together } with Chocolate Chip, and they ended up getting hitched. } Very soon, they're expecting a little mint daughter. } } You owe the Oracle a banana split.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If firefighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do > freedom fighters fight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See there? -- you've fallen into a pitiful logical trap. } As someone unimportant once said: "Metaphor is the most } insidious form of logic -- it implies that because two } things are similar in _one_ characteristic, that they are } therefore necessarily similar in others". } } Consider, the next time you shop for groceries, that here } we have a can from Bush's -- the label shows, in part, a } picture of beans.  What's inside?  -- Beans!  In the } frozen food isle we find a package from Mrs. Paul's, and } the label consists, in part, of a representation of fish. } What's inside? -- Fish! And by george, you think you have } it all figured out.  But then  we get to the next isle, } where a small jar from Gerbers has, on its label, the picture } of a smiling baby.  Oh, the _horror_ of that! } } Fire fighters do indeed fight fires; crime fighters fight } crime, and freedom fighters fight to establish their own } brand of tyranny, to replace the system adopted by the } previous collection of malcontents.  (See also: terrorists, } insurgents, patriots, people's militia, the underground, etc.) } } Well, getting back to the metaphor thingy -- a certain } question earlier yesterday lacked a grovel, and the sender got } Zotted.  Earlier today, a grovel-devicient question came in, } and the sender got Zotted.  But does it _necessarily_ follow } that YOU'RE going to get Zotted?  You just cannot be certain, } now can you?  And I don't need to do it right away, either, DO } I?  I mean, it could come at any time.... or never, right? } } There, see? -- it's GOOD to understand about uncertainty, isn't } it?  It just opens you up to all sorts of possibilities.  Now } why don't you go play in the street? } } You owe the Oracle a Lottery ticket.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme what to say when I meet Mickey Mouse next week

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What to Say                           What Not To Say } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } "Is Minnie well?"             "Hey, heard you made it with Minnie." } } "Nice shorts, Mickey!"        "Are those two white things on the front }                               of your shorts buttons or are they }                               something else?" } } "I saw you on TV, Mickey!"    "I saw you on TV, Mickey, and on a }                               t-shirt, a hat, the movies, on a }                               lunchbox, on a Dixie cup, as a doll, and }                               several other miscellaneous articles, }                               devices and some such Disney knick-knack }                               that was from the 1930s when you were }                               still called Mortimer." } } "Happy birthday, Mickey!"     "Damn, you're old, Mickey. What are you, }                               60, 70? Shouldn't your tail be a little }                               shriveled knob at the end of your back by }                               now? Shouldn't your ears have ceased to }                               exist, having crumbled away 25 years ago? }                               Shouldn't your nose look more like a }                               shriveled raisin by now? } } "I loved the Sorceror's      "Boy, the Sorceror's Apprentice sucked! } Apprentice!"                  why did you even steal that sorceror's }                               hat, when all you did was fall asleep, }                               after you made a whole lot of brooms start }                               walking around and mopping the place }                               up. I mean, you could have done lots of }                               neat stuff, other than set a whole }                               bunch of magical brooms to cleaning the }                               sorceror's study. You wouldn't have to }                               clean out his study anymore, after you got }                               ahold of his hat. You could have }                               teleported to some tropical island in the }                               South Pacific, where you could live in }                               Paradise, eating the native fruits, }                               listening to the ocean waves crash upon }                               the shore, and if you ever decided you }                               wanted something else, you always had the }                               hat. You could have had it all, you }                               *ssh*le. You damned *ssh*le." } } You owe the Oracle one of those DisneyWorld Mickey Mouse-ear hats.