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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of leaf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on your point of view. } } To a caterpillar, it's home. } To a rabbit, it's dinner. } To a fly, it's umbrella. } To a deer, it's snack. } To a dog, it's emetic. } } You owe the Oracle a salad.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, whose knowledge of Usenet, and for that > matter, of all things, is unsurpassed, please tell me: > > What is the point of alt.fan.warlord?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: Ancient Japan. Two Samuris are on IRC. } } Sam1: You know, we should make a Usenet group for our warlord. } Sam2: Yes, I think that would bring him much honor. } BInky: HEY WHERE ARE ALL THE CHICKS?!?!?!? IRC IS KEWL. } Sam1: Sigh... } } Thus was born alt.fan.warlords. Also of note, a someone nicknamed } 'Binky' met a rather untimely demise. } } You owe the Oracle the word 'cool' spelled correctly 100 times.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise one who knows almost everything, I humble myself before > your great and powerful being in search of an answer to a question > that has puzzled me for many sleepless nights.  I beg that you give > just and fair consideration to this question that has perplexed me for > so long. > > The question that I pose to you, in hopes that the wisdom of the > Oracle might be shared with someone as meek as me is, "Why, when I get > into the checkout line at the supermarket, do I always end up behind > some idiot who suddenly remembers that they want some completely > unnecessary item (such as pickled onions) just as their last item is > being scanned by the little glass thingamajig with the red lights, and > who then spends what seems like hours running around the store while > all the other courteous people and I are forced to wait for this > imbecile"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imbeciles are actually planted there for the express } purpose of annoying you.  They have been hired by rival } grocery stores, who hope to gain more customers by offering } faster checkout lines. } } Of course, your grocery store does the same thing to its } rivals, so the net effect is that no customers switch to } the other store, and all the checkout lines slow down. } } You owe the Oracle a dry martini.  With a pickled onion.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who is more sagacious than Carl Sagan > Please tell me: > > What should I do after I graduate? > > end > quit > exit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take a year off and learn how to use your mailer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: [Suddenly startled awake from a deep sleep] Huh? What was } that?  I heard something... } } Lisa: [slowly waking up] You _can't_ hear anything.  You haven't } created the Universe yet.  There's nothing to make a sound. } Space doesn't even exist yet.  Go back to sleep. } } Oracle: What time is it? } } Lisa: Time doesn't exist yet, either, Orrie. } } Oracle: [much later] I can't get back to sleep.  I'm going } downstairs for a sandwich. [stumbling around in the dark] Ouch! } } Lisa: What's wrong, Orrie? } } Oracle: I kicked something.  Hurt my toe. } } Lisa: Come back to bed. } } Meanwhile, completely unknown to Lisa or Oracle, a previously } unknown phenomenon had begun.  Huge amounts of matter and energy } burst forth from the point where the Oracle's toe had hit the } floor.  The bright flash created space and time as we know them } today.  For 23 billion years the cosmic dust swirled, fused, } coalesced, cooled, and expanded. Then one day, from an } insignificant planet orbiting an insignificant star in an } insignificant galaxy, The Oracle received this message: } } > } } Oracle: There! You can't tell me you didn't hear _that_! } } Lisa: [sleeping] Hmm? } } You owe the Oracle Dr. Seuss's book "Horton Hears A Who" } } [or email to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with "help" in the Subject: } line.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How should i do to run X-Windows? I use an Amiga 1200 with NComm to > call up a UNIX-System. Which settings should I use? I just tells me > "Can't open display"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, if people would just bother to *read* the perfectly clear } program messages they're given, my job would be a lot easier. Your } operating system is telling you that you have a "cant-open display" } -- that is, a display which is opened through the use of cant (i.e. } jargon or incantations). Now, depending on how your system is } configured (Consult your manual!), the appropriate cant may be any of } the following: } }      Open sesame. } }      Abracadabra. } }      Hocus pocus. } }      Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. } } When you have found the correct cant, say it into your computer screen } in a resonant, stentorian voice. If it doesn't work, you may not be } saying it loud enough -- raise your voice somewhat. Keep trying until } the display opens. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the _Critique of Pure Reason_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grandfather has a glass eye and due to an infection he has to remove > the eye every night and soak it in a medicated solution. Last night he > inadvertently dropped his eye into a glass of Coca-Cola. This morning > we found that the eye had partially disintegrated. Tell me Oracle, how > is this possible? And is it still o.k. to drink that glass of Coke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear.  Another scheduling mixup.  The Universal Planning Committee } will be quite upset. } } This event was supposed to occur last night on the small world of } P'phlurk, in sector XLE446-J.  It was to be the Last Great Sign of the } Nninge Prophets, the Sign of the beginning of the Pilgrimage of Doom. } This morning, all of the followers of Nninge (about four billion of } them ... Nninge is quite popular) should have heard about the Sign, } climbed aboard their ritually-blessed spaceships, and hurled themselves } into their sun to show their love for Nninge. } } Since the UPC mixed things up again and sent the Sign to you instead of } them, I'm afraid that the whole planetful of people will have to } continue to live happy and fruitful lives, and Nninge is going to be } pissed. } } As for your grandfather, he can patch up the eye with some epoxy and } wear it again, but if he shows any signs of hijacking a NASA shuttle } and piloting it into the sun, you may want to take the eye away again } and make him wear a patch. } } As for you, supplicant, you did not provide so much as a rudimentary }  grovel. Your punishment will be to drink the glass of Coke. } } So speaks the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > I must confess--I have a secret obsession.  I send you questions in > which I pretend to be the Queen of England.  Now it's taking up all my > time.  What should I do? > > Sincerely Yours, >   HRH Phillip >   Duke of Edinborough

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As usual, the answer to your problem is simple. First, murder all your } relatives who are ahead of you in line to the throne (Alec Guinness } should be your role model here). Then wait until Her Majesty is under } stress, go in to see her (you're her heir, you can get it) and explain } that you're about to fly over to Belgium for a sex-change operation. } She'll drop dead of a heart attack, brought on by the shock of the } revelation after she's had to bury so many people she loves. But don't } buy that plane ticket just yet, you won't be needing it: after you're } crowned, I'll give you a special directed genital ZOT and do it free, } since you forgot to grovel. } } You owe the Oracle the Crown Jewels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are a veritable cornucopia of luciferous sagacity and a > splendid deipnosophist. Would you please enlighten me regarding my > cohabitant's failure to comprehend my mealtime conversation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Safe prandial intercourse: Use a condiment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O Mighty Oracle, who is miles above the petty squabbles of mankind > yet takes such great pleasure in ZOTting the ignorant, who can stop the > most powerful combat vehicles with the force of his saliva alone, > please answer this humble supplicant's query. > >   My roommate and I are embroiled in a bitter battle for territory. > I've conquered all one and a half of the bathrooms, but he's entrenched > in the kitchen.  It seems to have turned into a waiting game, and the > first person unable to abstain from one side of the digestive cycle is > going to lose. > >   Please tell me, Mighty Oracle, what tactics should I use to conquer > the entire house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hee hee!  Nice groveling.  Although I don't really zot } the ignorant; they can't really help themselves.  Rather, } I zot the malevolent ones who *know* they're trying to } get my goat by asking the WCQ. } } But anyway, you have the start of a sound military } strategy.  You need to acquire a source of food, as you } mention, but that's really your only major shortage. } Your next conquest should be the telephone.  Your } roommate may think this is simply a diversion, but he'll } find out that he's wrong when you call out and order } pizza. } } In the meantime, you can hang on by eating toilet paper. } It can be flavored with a little toothpaste to make it } more palatable. } } You owe the Oracle a mint pizza with fluoride.