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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the answer is blowin' in the wind, what was the question ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you listen closely, you can hear that there are actually three } questions asked: } }      How many songs must a songwriter write, before he will write one }           that's good? }      Yes, 'n' how much must his elocution improve, before he can be }         understood? }      Yes, 'n' how many questions can one singer ask, and not mention }         woodchucks or wood? } } You owe the Oracle a tape of Bob Dylan's early work on the old series } _Gunsmoke_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it that makes people go coocoo for coco puffs? I've had them > plenty of times, and yet I have yet to go through the rough screaming > "I'm coocoo for coco puffs!!!!!!!!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you may be doing something wrong.  From observations, I can see } that you still insist on dressing, then eating. } } Not many supplicants admit to this, but then again, I know everything } and many do this only while they are still single and living alone.  It } is a very convenient way to get ready in the morning and it is just } plain fun. } } First thing in the morning is not a great time for fashion worries and } what better way to enjoy breakfast than in the rough.  No worries about } staining your clothing, no problems with accidentally dipping a sleeve } or tie into the milk.  And if you do make a mess of yourself, the } bathroom it's only a short walk away. } } In order to do this properly, you must ensure that you do *not* get } dressed. Once that is [not] done, continue with your morning endeavors } up to the breakfast moment.  Eat your cereal, confident in the } knowledge that you will not ruin your favorite suit or dress as you } slop down the soggy ceral. Once done, you can - in the rough - joyously } scream, "I'm coocoo for coco puffs," as you dive into the shower. } } You owe the Oracle a scoop of raisins.  Two of them.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will simon ask me out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, unfortunately, Simon will just sit there silently at the back of } your closet, his red, yellow, blue, and green lights dark since you put } him there in 1983, his batteries leaking acid all over your Monopoly } game (missing several houses, about $8,000, the Illinois Avenue title } deed, and the metal shoe that you think the dog might have eaten but } you can't be sure). } } You owe the Oracle a ride on the Reading.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, before whom I have every intention of abasing myself as > soon as I limber up a little this spring, tell me: do the people who > say they believe in astrology really believe in astrology, or are they > just kidding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget about astrology, who really believes in ASTRONOMY? I mean, MAYBE } you can believe that the universe (that's EVERYTHING you can think of, } and more) was once the size of an atom, but some of the other stuff, I } mean c'mon!  How gullible do they think we are? } } Like that you-can't-go-faster-than-the-speed-of-light stuff. Please. If } you're travelling at the speed of light, JUST GO FASTER. It's not hard. } And what about those black holes? They're like, "Oh, there's these huge } cool things called black holes!" "Well, show us one!" "Uh, we can't } because, uh, no light can travel out of them, yeah, that's it!" } Suuuure. } } And every time they give a number it's always "This star is 100 billion } miles away" "This galaxy is 2000 billion trillion miles away." You KNOW } they're just making those numbers up. } } Of course, as an omniscient being, I know what's REALLY out there, so I } should consider all this funny. But everyone ACTUALLY BELIEVES it! And } the astronomers don't give any evidence for what they say--oh sure, } they'll show some fuzzy picture of a star and say, "oh, look a quasar!" } and everyone says "oh, yes, I SEE it!" What a joke. You should see } astronomers when they get together. They laugh and laugh! } } Oh, I guess I haven't actually answered your question. Well, don't } worry.  I just read your horoscope and it says "All questions will be } answered soon." } } You owe the Oracle billions and billions of grovels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you for reminding me.  I'm so stupid I'd never have remembered > it myself. > > I had intended to ask you a question using the famous Morris Code I've > heard about.  I think that radio hams use it when they are doing > illegal computer hacking or something.  Before I can use the Morris > code, I'll have to learn it.  Can you help me?  And who is this Morris > chap, anyways?  Isn't he the one that got caught?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Morris? Why, he's the bloody cat!! } } You owe the oracle some kitty litter. Yeah, he got caught! peeing on } the rug!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i have roaches in my apartment. is it possible one of these roaches is > possessed by the spirit of franz kafka? one has a peculiar liking, as a > resting spot, my copy of 'the trial'.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle spent some time tracking down Kafka, and eventually found } him in a gay bar in the afterlife: } }   ORACLE: So, anyway about this cockroach... } }   KAFKA: Again with the f*cking cockroaches! I'm sorry I ever wrote }   that damn story! It's the only one anyone knows; they put it in the }   textbooks, you know, and all these kids have to read it in high }   school. } }   O: I liked the one about the lawyer... } }   K: No one reads them. Always 'Metamorphosis'. I write one story with }   a cockroach, and I'm branded for all eternity. Cockroaches! } }   MICHAELANGELO: I feel the same way about that damned ceiling. I only }   took the job to get the bills paid off. Now the damn church is using }   it to drag pennies out of the pockets of tourists. } }   PLATO: Same with my books. They've entirely forgotten my whole }   career... } }   DaVINCI: What career? You were a wrestler. } }   P: (into his beer) I was a _good_ wrestler... } }   K: So anyway, how did you find me here? } }   O: I'm omniscient. } }   M: If you're omniscient, then you can tell me who that cute thing }   that just came in the door is. } }   O: That's Ganymede, from the Olympus crowd. Hey, Ganymede, over here! } }   GANYMEDE: Oracle! What a surprise! Have you heard the latest about }   Apollo? } }   O: No, what's the dish? } }   G: Buy us a drink and I'll tell you... } } Anyway. So it looks like your answer is no, your cockroach is not } inhabited by the spirit of Franz Kafka. I suspect that the jelly you } spilled while studying for your midterm would provide a clearer answer } to the riddle of your roach's behavior. } } You owe the Oracle another week added to Lisa's visit to her mother.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why does little orphan annie not have any pupils in the comic strip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's not certified to teach.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i check the stats for the central hockey league for the '94 > season...specifically the flames...i am able to get in...but it will > not provide me with the info...thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah -- another fan of central hockey! It's so much more exciting than } regular hockey, don't you think? I mean, a game played on a flat } rectangular sheet of ice, with two boring old nets as goals, can't } match the excitement of seeing a bunch of skaters zooming around } on the funnel-shaped central hockey field, trying desperately to } avoid falling into the big goal-hole in the center. } } Anyway, the stats from the '94 season are still not available, since } they are still trying to determine exactly how many players ended } up in Lake Ontario in the big Montreal-Toronto Outdoor Cup competition. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to a Major League Pentagonal Baseball } game.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can I find freeware on the internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A good question, my (noteably grovel-less) supplicant.  It gives me the } opportunity to provide the community at large with the Oracle's } Official List of Where the 'Ware is on the Internet. The list has been } htmlized for your convenience, since the net _is_ the next wave.  If } this is news to you, then you'll definitely need some clueware, } available via anonymous ftp from participating stores near you. } } I'll begin the list with the answer to your question, but strongly } suggest that you, my dear supplicant, access the _last_ address pretty } darn quickly to avoid an unwelcome (but free) Zotware E-mail from yours } truly. } } freeware      http://mooch.leach.com/help/yourself/getthis.html } } shareware     http://peoples.programing.co-op/bin/marx }          *or* http://swingnet.com/husbands or /wives }           (depending on what you want to share) } } software      http:/Sta-Puft.com/marshmallow/man/ } } hardware      http:/true.value.corp/nuts/bolts/ } } suppleware    http://gucci.gucci.goo/morethan/u.canafford } } warfare       http://desert.storm.mil/we/want/more }          *or* http://aol.com/local/milita/yahoo } } vaporware     http://united.states.gov/policy.html } } delaware      http://maryland.gov/go-east } } wolfwere      http://genlab.jhopkins.edu/project/lycanthropy/ } } underware     http://loom.com/fruit/ } } outerware     http://bean_ll.com/catalog.html }         *Not to be confused with:* } hoodware      http://cool-j_ll.com/yo.html } } someware      http://oz.com/over/rainbow } } everyware     http://* }          WARNING: Don't try this on your own system. } } anyware       http://kiwi.net.nz/defunct/language/clearingouse.html } } noware        http://yellow.submarine.uk/noware/land.html } } whereware     http://heisenberg.mplanck.ge/where.html }         *as opposed to* } speedware     http://heisenberg.mplanck.ge/howfast.html }          WARNING: You can't acess these two sites at the same time } } warefor       http://whatnot.gov/boundless/beaurocracy } } oracleware    http://cs.indiana.edu/grovel.html } } You owe a 1 Meg inlined portait of the Oracle, to be distributed } freely.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle who is smarter than the average bear please tell > me.... > > Why c-c-an't we just all g-g-et along?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Generally speaking, you are all getting along just fine.  Given: }   a: The rotation of the Earth (your planet), }   b: The movement of the Earth around Sol (your sun), }   c: The movement of Sol around the Milky Way (your galaxy), }   d: The movement of the Milky Way around your universe, and }   e: The rotation of your universe around me, } } all humans are moving at an absolute speed of several hundred miles } per second.  If that is not getting along, what is? } } You owe me a picnic basket.