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735, 735-01, 735-02, 735-03, 735-04, 735-05, 735-06, 735-07, 735-08, 735-09, 735-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows where the yellow went when you brushed your teeth > with Pepsodent, please tell me: > > If you drive a car at the speed of light with the headlamps on, and the > headlamps went out, would this be a violation of General Relativity, > stating as it does that a body does not have a speed as such but only > with reference to some external event, and one cannot therefore measure > the speed of a body simply by, say, the reflectivity of light from a > known distance? If so, is it worth trying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In answer to your question, the theory of General Relativity states } that objects seek their futures in states of "lower" temporal energy, } large gravitational fields (such as an automobile travelling at the } speed of light) having very "low" energy in this respect, objects } (such as yourself) are likely to be attracted towards it. Meaning } that if anything is ever likely to occur, it will. } } Three things would tend to happen if you attempted to drive } your own car at the speed of light: }     1) Engine knock would become intolerable }     2) The leads from the distributor to the spark plugs would burn }         out }     3) You would most probably cease to exist

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh most wise and seaworthy Oracle(tm), most powerful of the > powerful, most watertight of those that contain water, most puissant > of those whose fate it is to own cats, I implore you;  answer me. > >       The fate of the Holy Grail of Yachting hangs in the balance in a > battle of seamanly ritual combat.  I have done all things to all people > and yet still I am behind. I beseech you to tell me how I may defeat > the Black Magic used against me. >                       signed, >                                       Dennis > > P.S.   Is it true that Red Socks give one man the power of ten???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I predict the future. I don't analyse water under the bridge. } } Had you consulted me before the event I would have told you straight } that you were destined, from the beginning of time to be a loser and } there was nothing you could do about it. Magic Shmagic, you thought } your opponent had a divine duty to lose and you the divine right to } win. The gods decided aeons ago that your hubris would have to go } punished. You were lucky. Poseidon wanted to sink you outright! If you } feel hard done by ask yourself this. If you'd asked and I'd told would } you have believed me? Would you have said 'Okay, I'll lower my sights. } My ambition is now to be a moderately successful and dully respectable } insurance salesman?' } } You'll thank me for this one day. When you do you can send me advice on } dealing with barnacles without losing time in dry dock. Till then it's } free!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, you all mighty etc. etc., > I have a question whose answer I need, > for I'm really interested in it > and I think knowing it would be neat: > > So tell me why the rising bubbles in a glass of champagne > always originate at the very bottom of the glass, > (if that's not much pain > for you to answer, alas!) > > Kate > the Great

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When champagne is in the bottle } It is highly pressurized; } When you open it, it's not, al- } As. (I doubt that you're surprised.) } } The fluid now contains } More CO2 than p'rhaps it oughta; } The question then remains: } Where will the gas escape the waughta? } } The answer: it prefers to leave } At "nucleation sites", } And glasses, being glass, you see, 've } Got scads of 'em, like mites. } } And that is why the bubbles form } In legions at the bottom: } It's sites -- the gases all adore 'em, } And they find the glass has got 'em. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Adam love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since this is a question of love, and it is spring, I will ignore the } lack of a suitable grovel.  This time. } } Adam still isn't aware of his true feelings for you.  He enjoys your } companionship, but heart has not yet awakened fully to your beauty, } intelligence, and sincerity.  The flame of love requires a spark, and } it is up to you to provide that. } } A simple gift, nothing expensive or extravagant, showing gentle } kindness and caring, will be enough to awaken his love for you.  And I } can think of no better gift for your purposes than this apple.  Go on, } take it.  Free of charge. } } You owe the Oracle nothing if you just go ahead and take the apple. } Really!  Go ahead!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose shining countenance lets you read at night without > candles, please tell me: Why does Grandma make such lousy coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first off, you should be using *3* scoops of grandma per pot, not } 2. Due to her age, she makes rather weak beverage drinks. } } Also, the manner in which Grandma was prepared will affect the yeild of } the coffee-making activities (technically called "sparging", don't } ask...) If Grandma was naturally sun-dried, outdoors, then much of the } F(c), or "coffee factor" is retained.  If, however, the drying is done } electrically, or worse yet, by freeze-drying, much if not most of the } F(c) is lost.  This must be considered when selecting the amount of } Grandma to add to your coffee pot. } } Further complicating matters is the brewing temperature.  The ideal } temperature for brewing Grandma coffee is just below 170 degrees (F). } As the temperature increases, yeild goes up, as more is extracted from } the ground Grandma, but above 170 degrees (F), the tannic acid which is } naturally found in Grandma dissolves, giving your coffee a bitter, } acidic flavor.  I have found 167 degrees to be a good compromise } between yeild and bitterness, as it's a high enough temperature to get } decent yeild but is below the solution temperature of the tannic acid. } } Yet another factor in the strength of Grandma coffee is the manner in } which she was ground up.  A finer grind increases the surface area } available for the grandma molecules to dissolve out of the mixture, but } this finer grind also can cause filter bypass, leaving you unfiltered } grandma in the bottom of your coffee cup.  This is something which must } be learned by individual experience, as it will vary with the type of } coffee maker you use, the type of filter, and personal preference.  On } the other hand, too coarse of a grind will allow the water to percolate } through the ground Grandma too quicly, decreasing both surface area and } exposure time of the Grandma to the water. This has disastrous effects } on the yeild, and results in very weak grandma. } } The good news here is that you don't need to worry about most of this } if you just want stronger Grandma coffee, you can just add an extra } scoop or two. However, if you are interested in acheiving the ultimate } in Grandma coffee experiences, you would be well advised to consider } experimentation with the parameters stated above. } } You owe the Oracle 2 Kilos of Columbian Grandma, and a really good } thermometer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget your numerology } Omit the Kabbalah } Refuse to read psychology } Think not upon Torah } You seekers of the human race } Take notes, and listen, please } Why, wisdom's found in just one place: } Oracularities } } You owe the Oracle an Ogden Nash omnibus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mister Oracle my name is Timmy and I am 12 and I am writing a paper for > my teacher Miss Fredricks she is ugly and old but she wants me to write > a paper on gods and divinities of the past and the present and I don't > have a library card and they wont let me in there any more anyway and I > need to get some good words and yours are always good and I want you to > write it for me and it has to be double spaced and look good and get me > a good grade and two pages and dont spell anything rong because I dont > want to fix anything and dont use big words that would make her know > that I didn't write it because she would get awfully mad and yell and > call my dad again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many different brands of mythology.  The } chief god of the Egyptians was Osiris.  The chief } god of the Greeks was Zeus.  The chief god of the } Romans was Jupiter.  The chief god of the Teutons } was Wodin.  That is why it is spelled funny that } way.  The chief god of the Indians was Brahma. } This is kosher PC Indians from India, not Native } Americans. } } Osiris was the god of goodness in Egypt.  He married } his sister.  This often happened in Ancient Egypt } because they had trouble with the Nile flooding and } mothers-in-law.  His sister was Isis.  Osiris was } murdered by Set.  Set was the god of night and the } god of the desert and the god of evil. } } Zeus was the chief god of the Greeks.  He was the } god of good and evil.  This was more efficient than } Egypt.  He had two wives and a whole load of } girlfriends.  He ate his first wife when she was } present.  She was called Metis.  The child was } Athena.  She was the goddess of the city of Athens } in Greece.  His second wife was Hera.  Apollo was } the sun god.  He was the sun god because he was the } sun of Zeus and Leto.  His twin sister was Artemis. } She was the goddess of chastity.  Like a nun but } not like her father who was nun other (than Zeus). } Another of the girlfriends of Zeus was Leda.  He } became a swan to get her.  She also had twins who } are Gemini, the astrological sign. } } Jupiter was the chief god of the Romans.  He is } basically the same as Zeus except in Latin.  He } married his sister like Osiris.  He was lord of } heaven and lived on Mount Olympus. } } Odin was the chief god of the Teutons who are the } people in north Germany and Scandinavia.  He was } god of the sky.  He lived in Asgard.  His wife's } name was Frigga (no, honestly).  He has girlfriends } too.  They are called Valkyries and they receive } the souls of warriors slain in battle.  Wednesday } was named after him.  His son is Thor.  Thursday is } named after him. } } There is only one modern mythology.  It is called } Republicanism.  It only has one god.  He is called } Newt.  He lives on Mount Capitol.  He is the god of } making a whole load of people very angry all at } once. } } You owe the Oracle the scalp of Miss Fredericks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are women so complicated to the male species ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answer this questionaiire please with a number #2 pencil, and make sure } the marks stay within the alloted blocks for answers. } } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } Situation #1 }       It's a sunny cool October weekend, and not a cloud in the sky. } The lawn is covered in the perfect orange and gold blanket that Mother } Nature puts on in the Fall.  Obviously, your mind turns } } [ ] a> }       12 hours of college football }       9 hours pro football }       3 hours of Sports Center and Chris Berman }       3 hours of NHL hockey (pending the strike) }       2 hours of Midnight Madness }       1 hour of the Babe on ESPN on the Aerobics show in the morning }       chips, sofa, -- urp --, beer } [ ] b> }       a wonderful day for the whole family to go outside and rake the }       leaves together, and then snuggle up in front of the fire place }       and drink hot cocoa with those little marshmellows in them } [ ] c> }       rn alt.binaries.pictures.erotica } } Situation #2 }       It's almost [insert Winter Solstice celebration], and you don't } know what to get your SO.  You ask in a round-about way what they would } want as a present, and they say, "Oh nothing, don't worry about me, } dear." This should be interpreted by you as } } [ ] a> }       She don't want no present.  'nuff said.  I wouldn't want to upset }       her by doing something that she explicit doesn't want me to do. } [ ] b> }       Getting a present, something to reflect the joy we have shared, }       not too gaudy, but appropriately showing the care, warmth, and }       affection between us. } [ ] c> }       Search for "nothing" at <http://cui_www.unige.ch/w3catalog>. }       Do an archie on worry.  Maybe get something from Rat Shack. } } Situation #3 }       Complete this sentence. }       "My idea of a perfect month long vacation is ..." } } [ ] a> }       A trip to Arizona or Florida in the Spring.  Maybe I can watch }       every baseball team play during spring training! } [ ] b> }       A trip to Hawaii or Tahiti.  Some place where I can get away from }       it all, relax, dress up in sexy clothes and go out dancing, and }       spend some quality time just between me and my significant other }       on a deserted beach.  And definitely lots of cuddling. } [ ] c> }       my office, a T3, a macho CPU god and gigs of disk, fluorescent }       lights, and unlimited amounts of caffeinated beverages. } } Scoring: } } Tally up the score on your questionairre, depending on your answers for } each question.  You will receive a final score of between 0 and 30. } } 10 points for each answer that you marked "A" }  5 points for each answer that you marked "B" }  0 points for each answer that you marked "C" } } Results: } } >21: }       You are a big burly macho guy.  You like sports.  You don't }       understand why women like those slimy false whiny guys who pander }       to their every whim, showering them with phony praise and little }       chocolates.  You are an honorable gentlemen and respect women as }       you would respect yourself.  In other words, you will never }       understand how women think.  [It's in the genes.] } 6-20: }       You're either a woman [in which case you already know that women }       are deliberately confusing to men], or a guy in touch with your }       feminine side, the nurturing child within yourself.  If you are a }       guy, this means that your friends and acquintances probably call }       you "sweet lovable sensitive and caring".  You'll be secure in }       your superiority even when those big burly macho guys turn your }       face into tenderized ground beef when they find out that you've }       made love more times than they've had playoff tix. } 0-5: }       People?  What people? } } You owe the Oracle an electronic copy of the "Kama Sutra".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Eeeek!  A spider!  Squish it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gak, the Oracle has to do everything for you. Stand back ... } } ZOT! } } Oops, hit the supplicant and not the spider ... } } The spider owes the Oracle a new set of glasses.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, and welcome to AutoZot, the service offered by oracular beings } too snivelling and timid to speak to the oracle directly.  If you are } not calling from a touch tone phone, you need to get with the program. } Please have a grovel and a question ready. } If you would like to just grovel, press one. } If you would like to ask a question about woodchucks or lemurs, press } two. If you would like to ask a question about the internet, press } three. If you suspect that a coworker of yours is Satan incarnate, } press four. If you are Satan incarnate, press five. } To find out more about the Oracle/George Carlin ticket for the } presidency, press six. } If you would like to spoil a perfectly nice day with a ZOT, hang up } now. } }       ZOT!!!! } } You owe the oracle a phone number to get straight into ticketmaster, } without being put on hold, when Grateful Dead tickets go on sale.