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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people lock the bathroom door even when their home alone? > I mean, what is it that people are afraid of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations,  Supplicant   on  asking    a  (relatively)  original } question.  I don't get many  of those, so I'll  overlook the lack of a } grovel.  This time. } }       The   answer is simple:  racial memory.   Through the eons the } basic necessity of  locking  the bathroom  door  has finally  acquired } space within the basic human genome,  and lies there somewhere between } the 341st and 343rd gene of chromosome 6a. } }       Consider, if  you will,  how  many classic horror movies  have } graphically  depicted  how terrible things   can happen to  you in the } bathroom.  Psycho, for  instance.  The Shining.   Attack of the Killer } Tomatoes (just kidding.) } }       And  what, you ask,  is the true, dark  evil  that you, in the } dank recesses of your primitive minds are afraid of? } } Children. } }       Of course, if you  were a  parent,  you would  have recognised } this and probably  not bothered  to ask me   your question.  How  many } parents have suffered  through "What are you  doing in  there, Daddy?" } and "Can I watch, Mommy," or "Good for you, Daddy!   You did it on the } potty!"? } } The Embarrassment.  The Horror. The Embarrassment. } }       So now you know, that when you lock the door your subconscious } mind  is  simply striving to ensure  a  moment of quiet, unembarrassed } peace by locking out your (as yet unborn) offspring. } }       You owe the Oracle  a long talk  with  your girlfriend  and an } invitation to the baby shower.  Congratulations.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle, so noseholdhigh > > who is always putting those naughty little holes into my > contraceptive English raincoats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                 Mackintosh Clothiers }                                 Wembley Terrace 25 }                                 Sutton Albright, Cheshire }                                 England HM64JB } } Anonymous Supplicant } c/o The Usenet Oracle } Computer Science Department } University of Indiana } Indiana 67723 } USA } } Dear Mr. or Ms. Supplicant: } } In regards to your recent query re. defective contraceptive raincoats: } } As with all raincoats, English or otherwise, the "holes," as you call } them, were cut with the express purpose of providing space to fit your } head and arms. As to the suitability of our raincoats for } contraception, Mackintosh makes no claim, either express or implied, } regarding our raincoats' ability to serve as a birth control device. } Any such use is done at your own risk, with the full knowledge that } Mackintosh Clothiers will be exempt from responsibility for any } consequences arising therefrom. } } Sincerely, } } Woodward Woodchuck } President, Mackintosh Clothiers } } P.S.: You owe the Oracle a Frenchie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what other things can i have in the subject field ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to speed processing of your oracularity, you may include one } of the following special codes in the subject field: } } Code     Semantics } ------------------ } WOODC    Please zot me. } RE:      Zot me again. } HELP     Zot me harder. } BONDA    Tie me up and zot me. } BITCH    Have Lisa zot me. } FWD:     Zot this other guy. } LEMUR    Zot Joel Furr. } GREEK    Zot my butt. } } You owe the Oracle another victim for a gratuitous zot.  Come to think } of it.... } } <ZOT!>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful oracle, thy master made of many people please > grant me the answer to the question > > Do you know of any overseas users that would like to talk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, since I am the only known user of OVERSEAS, or the Oracle's } Vapourisingly Efficacious and Righteous System for Eradicating Annoying } Supplicants (you know, the Z-thing), and I am not in a very talkative } mood right now. } } You owe the Oracle a decent grovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and majestic Oracle, whose advice is always wise and just > and whose depth of knowledge knows no bouds, enlighten your humble > supplicant. > > My friend has written as her project: > To obey the Delphi oracle > > yet she is having difficulty getting to Delphi to consult your > Priestess there.  Knowing this I am trying to help her and would like > to know: What are your orders to her Oh Wise and Witty One?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, the Delphi Priestesses.  There are three.  They are Hewey, } Dewey, and Muhammed Ali Akrabar Jamal Angelina Franchesca Bobesca Fo } Fanna III (but she goes by Sue).  I know the 3 well.  Chances are that } your friend is having trouble because those 3 are always getting into } some sort of mess.  Hewey is dating this schmuck from AOL, and let me } tell you, he is a schmuck.  And I don't know why she stays with him } (well, I do, but that is another question, another time).  I mean, he's } unemployed, he has no money, except what he makes from his Spam deals } (did you know that Spam is outlawed in Columbia), which isn't much, } since what he charges is far more than anyone is willing to pay for } wanna-be meat.  She can usually be found at his house.  Unfortunately, } he doesn't have a phone. } } The priestess Dewey is a charming lass.  Once Bob, one of the Delphi } Priests, he underwent a sex change operation as he became attracted to } the copy boy, Matt, at work.  The operation was a success, and he/she } and Matt got together and got married.  Later, Matt ended up walking } out on him/her, citing the fact he had discovered he was gay. } Coincidentally, he ran off with a guy named Bob.  Finding this out, } Bob/Dewey went crazy, became a mindless, drooling vegetable, and is now } doing scripts for Warner Bros. in L.A., California. } } The only other priestess is Sue.  She is closer to normal than her } co-Priestesses, and her pager number is 867-5309.  If you can't reach } her that way, stand on your head, say "Beetlejuice" 3 times, and cut } down the mightiest tree in the forest...with a herring.  That should } get her attention, and your friend can then proceed with her as she } needs. } } You owe the Oracle a shrubbery.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spam

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, } Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. } } Nobody expects the Spammish Repetition.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knock, knock.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And there you have it, folks! Clever Hans, the wonder horse, provides } you with the correct answer for the question "What is 15 divided by 5?" } And I'm sure you'll want to give a big hand ... } } Hang on a minute! Two? You stupid animal! It's the glue factory for } you! } } You owe the Oracle a donkey that can do fractions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <grovel.h> > #include <angel.h> > #include <iostream.h> > > int main(void) > { >    int iDancingAngelsCounted = 0; >    angel aCurrentAngel; > >    while (!pin.empty()) >    { >       aCurrentAngel = pin.remove-angel(); >       if (aCurrentAngel.dancing()) >       { >          iDancingAngelsCounted++; >          aCurrentAngel.squish(); >    } > >    cout << iDancingAngelsCounted; >    cout << " angels were dancing on the head of this pin.\n"; > >    return 0; > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <iostream.h> } #include <angel.h> } #include <camel.h> } #include <omniscience.h> } } int main(void) } {   angel  ASquishedAngel; }     camel  ACamel; }     sharp  pin, needle; }     int    iDeadCamels, iSquishedAngels; } }     while (ASquishedAngel = pin.graveyard(retrieve)) }     {   iSquishedAngels++; }         ACamel = NewCamel(not_smelly); } }         if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushhard) }         {   if (!needle.eye(ACamel, pass, pushharder) }             {    iDeadCamels++; }                  needle.graveyard(send); } } } }         if (ASquishedAngel.name(Bob)) }         {   supplicant << "Bob was a friend of mine.\n"; }             supplicant << ZOT; } } }         pin.graveyard(send); } } }     if (iSquishedAngels > iDeadCamels) }         cout << "It is easier "; }     else }         cout << "It is harder "; }     cout << "to pass a camel through the eye of\n"; }     cout << "a needle than to answer this question.\n"; } } } // You owe me an object-oriented camel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NEW > 10 REM ASK ORACLE > 20 GROVEL=INT(RND(100)) > 30 ASK="Please tell me" > 40 HAULASS=ASC(27):REM HIT ESCAPE KEY > 50 PRINT "Oh mighty Oracle," > 60 PRINT GROVEL:REPEAT 10 > 70 PRINT ASK:PRINT"Why can't a get a date?" > 80 GET A:REM A=ANSWER > 90 IF A="ZOT" THEN GOTO 110 > 100 END > 110 PRINT HAULASS > 120 END > RUN

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I noticed a glaring ommision in your question: } } 15 RANDOMIZE TIMER } } So, everytime it is the same.  Since this is usually a pattern of bad } coding, I assume your dating sub-routine has the same problem, hence } the same outcome everytime. } } Fix that and mix things up a little bit and I'm sure you'll do fine. } } Just remember to practice safe hex.  :-) } } You owe the Oracle 4 truly random numbers (besides 42).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you wise beeing who knows everything, would you please consider to > answer this question tha has been bugging me for years? I know that I'm > not even worthy to lick away your toe-jam, but could you help me > anyway? The question is: > Why does Coca-cola taste better in a can then from a bottle or a glass? > And where did I put my clean socks??? > > Oyvind

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First the Oracle would like to point out that despite an introduction } with not one but two uses of the SINGULAR ("answer this question" and } "The question is") you then presume to ask TWO questions.  Normally } this behaviour would by ZOTted without a moment's thought. } } HOWEVER, since the Oracle has just put in a good CD (*) and is feeling } rather chirpy otherwise, plus the presence of a fair-to-good grovel } (which so many supplicants overlook these days), I will deign to } answer BOTH of your questions. } } The ideal Coca-Cola, the platinum-iridium standard against which all } Coca-Cola experiences are measured, is that of drinking it directly } out of a very very cold old-fashioned thick-glass bottle.  Compared } with this, }   - drinking it out of a can sucks because the liquid contains }     dissolved aluminum from the inside of the can, }   - drinking it out of a plastic bottle sucks because the bottle }     polymers are slowly breaking up, releasing various icky gases }     which then dissolve into the liquid, }   - pouring it into a glass/cup/mug/whatever sucks even more because }     of one of the above problems PLUS it loses a lot of fizz, and }     tastes all watery as the ice melts, and warms up faster, }   - drinking it from one of those plastic bottles SHAPED like an }     old glass bottle is beyond reprehension.  The Coke marketing }     droid who thought that up should be shot. } } Anyway, you prefer Coke from a can because you prefer the taste of } aluminum to that of plastic.  The Oracle would bet that if you were } to eat a roll of aluminum foil and a roll of Saran Wrap, you would } prefer the taste of the foil. } } The second question concerns "clean socks."  A perfectly "clean" sock } doesn't exist.  Even brand new socks, fresh from the store, are } covered in hundreds of little mites and spores and things.  A whole } microscopic zoo right there on your footwear. } } Since "clean" is a relative term, not an absolute state, you may just } pick any socks that you happen to know the location of and extend your } definition of "clean" to cover them.  You may discover that your clean } socks are already conveniently located on your feet.  It's pretty much } up to you. } } In lieu of payment to the Oracle, you owe the Coca-Cola corporation an } advertising slogan less banal than "Always Coca-Cola." } } (*) Aphex Twin, _Selected Ambient Works Volume II_, disc 1.