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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend says he writes shit for the newspaper. > Is shit hard to write? > I know it's hard to eat... > Shit on a shingle is always good though.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually it's rather easy to write shit, be it for a newspaper or a } class or a love letter.  The hard part is making the shit sound good } when read. } } In spite of this however.  .  .  Shit is becoming more and more } attractive as a way of communicating the news.  It first began with } newspapers and magazines but has now invaded the airwaves and is the } preferred style of journalists.  Evidence of this was CBS' recent news } story 'God and Gorbachev'.  This was the 'shit of shits,' a perky } Entertainment Tonight correspondent recently quipped. } } President Bush has embrassed shit with the White House News staff. } Introduced by Reagan in the early 80's shit has been 'raised to a new } level, consistant with the expectations of a nation in love with itself' } staff member Lee Atwater said. } } In America shit has gained exceptance and is now brought into the } livingroom every evening at 6:30pm and smeared across the great papers } of this great nation.  At a recent press conference Gary Hart summed it } up, giving credit where credit is due by saying 'If it weren't for the } shit in the papers these days, I wouldn't be where I am today!'

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a tune going round and round in my head. It goes > > Dum dum dum dum diddle-iddle-um > Diddle um-dum-dum dum dum, > Dum-dum-dum-dum diddle-iddle-um > Diddle-um-dm (rest) dum dum. > > Diddle-um-dum diddle-diddle-iddle-iddle-um > Diddle-um-dum (rest) dum DUUUUM > (rallentando) Dum dum diddle-diddle um dum dum > (pause then a tempo) Diddle-um-dum (rest) dum dum. > > What is it? Who wrote it, and what are the words to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, I did.  I wrote it, yeah that's it.  It came to me one } summer evening in a dream, yeah.  I wrote the words, the music, AND } recorded it, that's the ticket!  It is actually a waltz and is best } played on the ukulele Following are the words: } } Until we meat again } } My love is like lunchmeat } He's got Oscar Meyer beaten. } When he makes me a sandwich, } It's for sure it will be eaten. } } Although he is no longer mine } I still think of him first } Especially at lunch time } When I'm eating liverwurst. } } Thank you, thank you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               rattle! > >             <****==============================(:-) ---< > >                                                 hisss!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      We are infinitly sorry, but the Oh Most Wise Oracle can not answer } your question.  This is not the DRUG HELP-LINE!  Please try to have your } questions in the FORM OF A QUESTION(!), as this makes things move along } a lot swifter.  Thankyou, and I hope you find help....Really.... } } As Payment the Oh Most Wise Oracle demands whatever you've been } taking(!).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't we seem to elect a vertebrate to the White House?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLES TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE DON'T ELECT VERTABRATES TO THE } WHITE HOUSE: } } 1.  Presidential candidates rarely make their opponents phyllum an }     issue. } 2.  American voters prefer breasts and thighs. } 3.  All those vertabrate perverts should be shot! } 4.  Vertabrates actually do get elected to the White House--the Chief }     of Staff's first official duty is a spinalectomy. } 5.  Only lower life-forms qualify. } 6.  What's the White House? } 7.  The tri-lateralist commission actually appoints the president, }     disregarding the informed, carefully considered opinions of the }     American public. } 8.  The constitution prohibits it. } 9.  Because. } 10. No self-respecting vertabrate would consider the job. } } You owe the Oracle a marine invertabrate cooked in a lactic solution. } (no tomatoes, please.  They give Us hives)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the BFD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  1) Brown Fecal Deposits }  2) Bavarian Forest Demons }  3) BVD spelled wrong }  4) Bowling For Dollars }  5) Bullwinkle For Dinner }  6) Bologna (made) From Dachsunds (didn't you always suspect?) }  7) Boise Fire Department }  8) Barney, Fred, Dino (the implications are staggering!) }  9) There is no meaning -- it's just there to make you mad } 10) Big Fucking Deal

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What thoughts run through a woman's mind when a man has sexual > intercourse with her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women are reported to ponder polydimensional integral calculus while } having intercourse.  It is believed that elegant solutions may be the } source of multiple orgasm. } } You owe the Oracle two quarts of soy sauce.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Mighty oracle this is an urgent question.  I need, soon, a rhyme > having to do with mistletoe and handcuffs.  (Note- both are Secret Santa > gifts from a girl to a girl.  Thus, no comments about using the stuff on > Santa will apply.  Also the lucky recipient will probably be offended if > the poem is too crude.)Thank you, Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          Mistletoe and handcuffs } } Oh mistletoe, oh mistletoe, how do you } make;asdkjflkasdjfiekldjcmbngvdjfeji } } } sorry about that, let me begin again } } Oh mistletoe, how do you do? } we like to handcuff you with glue. } we hope you don't sue, } because if you do, } we will handcuff you too } } } You owe the oracle a rhyme having to do with lawyers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the words to the national anthem of Libya?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The theme (oddly enough) is sung to a tune similar to that of } The Gary Shandling Show. } } This is the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! } } This is the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! } } Momar called me up and ask me to write it } how do you like it so far? } It's almost halfway over } } Here's the part where I start to whistle: } too too too tee tooo } to tee too too tooo } too too too tee tooo } to tee too too tooo } } This was the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! } } This was the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If money is the root of all evil, what is the square root of all evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yes, the root of all evil is money } } the square root of all evil is money }                                o   e }                                n   n }                                e   o }                                yenom } } and the cube root of all evil is yenom }                                 e   oo }                                n   n n }                               o   e  e }                              money   y }                              o   e  e }                              n   n n }                              e   oo }                              yenom } } any other questions?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I write all my papers in English.  However, when I go to print the final > copy to turn them in, they invariable come out of the printer written in > Italian.  I look at the input file -- it's English.  I have had to hire > translators and typists to turn them in.  Why is this happening, and > what can I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Benito Mussolini has been reincarnated as a computer virus (they ARE } alive, by the way) and a copy of him is infecting your printer.  Call an } exorcist, or ask O.S.  Lane to contact Superuser so he can start his own } series of movies. } } You owe the Oracle a canonical list of Italian swear words with } translations.