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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh groovy Oracle, who are so wise in the ways of science, who some > call "Tim", please answer this outstanding average question: > > This is a little embarassing, but my wife and I are having problems... > er, you know... doing the... um, well, you know... doing IT (the big > IT)... well, you know... sex.  Everything is fine between us, and there > are no medical problems, and everything and everyone are functioning > according to specifications. > > It's our cats.  They just sit there and stare at us while we're... ah, > you know... "exercising".  Sometimes they even jump up on the bed and > just lay down and watch.  It's more than either of us can stand. > > We've tried locking them out of the bedroom, but they just scratch at > the door and meow real loud, which also ruins it.  And we can't get rid > of the cats... their like our children. > > What should we do??? > > (Oh, and my wife wants to hear Lisa's input on this as well, if > possible)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, that grovel was average and I am NOT referred to as Tim.  I am } occassionally called Orrie, but only by my closest friends, one of } which you are not. } } Anyway, about your question.  I honestly believe your question belongs } in alt.sex.bestiality. There are pleanty of Zoophiles there that are } very experienced with such matters.  Since you didn't tell me the sex } of your cats, it's is difficult to give you the proper solution, but } you really have plenty. } }       1)  Have them join in.  That soft, warm kitty fur can be }  stimulating. Not to mention the tickling factors of their tails. } }       2)  Get your cat some partners and watch them engage in their } personal business so they know what it feel like. } }       3)  Get a dog.  The dog can chase the cats while you and your } wife play. } }       4)  Go to a hotel.  Sure, it can be expensive, but the privacy is } worth it. } }       5)  Run the shower or flush the toilet a lot to keep out their } caterwailing. } }       6)  Put the cats outside or in the garage. } } As far as Lisa's opinion's, I am offended that your wife would be } interested in the thoughts of mortal being.  I AM OMNIPOTENT, Lisa is } simply the object of my concupiscence and does not answer questions } (unless of course she tells me she is going to). } } You owe me a National Geographic Video.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me:  Is the job I'm interviewing for > on Monday the right job for me?  It's my second interview for the job.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you that this is indeed the right job for you. Being the } reigning monarch of the United Kingdom (and Lord of the Isle of Man) } may sound like a daunting responsibility, but I have every confidence } that you can do the job. Moreover, the pay is good, they have an } excellent dental plan, and there is no position you can hold that has } better job security. } } However, bear in mind that you are by no means assured of getting the } job. Rumors of nepotism abound, and a lot of people are saying that } when the position becomes open, the boss's son is a shoo-in for it. So, } while I don't mean to put a lot of pressure on you, that second } interview had better be pretty darn impressive. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime peerage.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, whose words are 256-bits long, whose interrupts > never happen at innoportune moments, and who can write C++ code using > exceptions and templates and get it right the first time, will you > please grant me an answer to this simple question? > > Stanford... or Silicon Graphics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh. Look -- if you eighth-century Anglo-Saxons can't figure out } what to name your villages, you should stop founding them. } } *Sigh*. Okay, let's look at your situation. At your proposed site, } you've got a nice shallow place for cattle to cross the river, and an } old Roman mile-stone with a few carved letters still visible on it. } Now, given the importance of the first feature, the most sensible name } would be "Oxford", but that's already taken. So the two options you've } come up with are: } }      1) Name the village after both the stone and the ford, and call it }         "Stanford", or } }      2) Name it after just the carved stone, and call it "Silicon }         Graphics". } } Of these, the former is by far the better choice. "Stanford" is a good, } solid, Anglo-Saxon compound word, and is even kind of catchy. "Silicon } Graphics", on the other hand, is a full five syllables, is not } particularly euphonious, and consists of one word in Latin (which no } one in Britain except a few monks can understand) and one word in Greek } (which no one at all in Britain will be able to understand until the } Renaissance, which isn't for another eight hundred years). Stick with } "Stanford". } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of _Bridge Over the River Cam_.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose biceps are so powerful they could make the Earth > run in reverse, > What are the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. "Exit 27A/4th-5th Sts./1 Mile" } } 2. "Rest Area/Next Right/Next Rest Area 47 Miles" } } 3. "Food-Gas-Lodging-Diesel/Next Right" } } 4. "Speed Limit 65/Trucks Trailers 60" } } 5. "Downtown/Convention Center/Next 2 Exits" } } 6. "McDonald's/Playland/Buses, RV's Welcome/Exit 30, 3 Miles" } } 7. "Holiday Inn/Pool/Cable/HBO/ESPN/11 Miles" } } Arrrrrgh!  That's the wrong database!  I have the Interstate Highway } System loaded into my Seven Signs Of... program.  I really need to get } these disks labeled.  Let's see what this one is... } } 1. One finger: Fastball } } 2. Two fingers: Curve } } That's wrong too...that's the Baseball database!  Listen, it's going to } take me a while to get this straightened out...would you mind asking } again tomorrow? } } You owe the Oracle some disk labels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Abandon hope all ye who press ENTER here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Joe Lanklin, an 8th-level trogdolyte programmer/sysadmin, sighs wearily } in the dark underground of the basement as he slouches back down before } his terminal. } } He has been struggling alone for days now, in volutary isolation from } friends and family. Joe thought that his great project would be easy, } but things have been going so very, very wrong. } } You see, Joe is trying to install an experimental compiler for a new } dynamic language, one which was prophesied to alleviate the many great } problems facing his people--memory leaks,  incomprehensible syntax, } poorly-defined grammers, long recompilations, and other such plagues. } } Unfortunately for Joe, he has just recently discovered that the path to } enlightenment is not so easy, not by a long shot. The runtime libraries } are buggy, and it will take many long, involved incantations before the } shinning creation is available to relieve the suffering of his people. } } Joe taps a revised function prototype into the listener, and presses } ENTER. } } You owe the Oracle a cola machine which accepts rumpled dollar bills.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, unscrambler of scrambles, unpuzzler of puzzles, > unconfuser of confusions, and corrector of supplicant's bad grammar > (when you see fit), please answer me this: > > Two wrongs don't make a right, yet three rights make a left, three > lefts make a right, and four of either make a circle.  How many, for > example, lefts make a wrong?  Please 'unconfuse' this for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The story is told of the Catholic priest who was in the habit of } removing a couple of pieces of his jewelry before Mass.  One of the } acolytes noticed this one day and asked him about it.  "Two rings } don't make a rite," he said. } } That said, it looks like what you need is the Canonical Table of Lefts, } Rights, and Wrongs. } } ======================================================================== } ... MAKE A ...                       COMMENTS } ======================================================================== } 2 lefts make a U-Turn                Except where "NO U TURN" is posted. } 1 right and 1 left make a left       Valid at rural New Jersey }                                         intersections only } 3 rights make a left } 3 lefts make a right } 4 wrongs make machine answer phone   2 when set to "toll saver" } 4 rights make a square               Not 4 lefts; there is no such thing }                                         as a "left angle" } 10 rights make a Bill Of } 2 rights make an early airplane } 46 lefts and 54 rights make the }    United States Senate } 1 wrong makes an 800                 Under new SAT scoring system } 15 right makes $30                   Weekly office football pool pays }                                         bonus for picking all 15 }                                         winners; Oracle is ineligible, }                                         darn it } 12 wrongs make a ladder              Don't stand on either of top 2 } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle some better puns.  As you can see, the Oracle needs } them.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me > > why is drinking beer so much more fun than drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... this will take a little research. } } One glass of water consumed. } Condition:  I'm not particularly thirsty now.  I feel a bit } refreshed in fact. } } 10 glasses of water consumed. } Condition:  I feel a sensation that would, if I were mortal, } no doubt mean that I should go to the bathroom very soon. } Fortunately I am exempt from such natural laws.  I'm not the } least bit thirsty, or hungry. } } 50 glasses of water consumed. } Condition:  Hmmm... I don't think I care for any more, thank } you.  That sensation I mentioned is quite strong now.  A mortal } could not stand it.  Anyway, I think it's time to move on to } the next step. } } *ZOT* } } Excess water ZOTted from stomach. } Result:  I believe I can comfortably consume liquids again now. I'll } continue the experiment in one of your social drinking establishments } to experience beer in it's proper setting. } } One glass of beer consumed. } Result:  The taste is a tad bitter for my sensitive tastes, but } I've tasted worse.  Again, I feel a bit refreshed. } } 10 glassis of beer consumed. } Resutl: theres that feeling again.  Well, no, this is diffretn. } I still feel like i'd like to visit one of those bathroom places, } if I were a mortal of course.  Which I'm not.  Did I menshion } that I could do with a snack?  I think i'l just antiZOT some } pizza. *TOZ* Hey, theyrs a naked woman on this label!  Lisa?  Whoops. } I guess thats the UPC coade. Sorrrybout thee typing. kees must be } getting stickie. You know, your kinda cute fora mortal. } } 50 glkas fberr consmedu. } Rsutl:no crs idoan havtapee. im above that surtovthing. im the } orcl. buti don fell so good ridenow i thogt thers anohtr peac } of pziza hooateit.  whus thasmell? woddchuk?! no not thatbadd. } likamonyah.  heymy robe is wet hoo spildthebeer? yurrin? dont } be silee imin compleed conrol. heylits goean mooon sombdy. ohwate. } IM' worknig.  gota ZOTout thebere. *ZZZZOT* heyimsorie. icanfixit. } imtheorcl. *ZOOT*  YEOWCH! @#&$%&*W&oD&C&c#&K@$%#*(#  damnigottaaim } beddr. ok holdmestilfersecont ok imgonagetidnow *ZoT* } NO CARRIER

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most virulent, > > Please tell this desperate virologist what is the true host of > Ebola?  It can't be humans or monkeys, since it kills these hosts > too quickly for a population to be maintained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } From: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III }       Oracular Supplications Processing } } To:   Marilyn Gillette }       Head, Computing Services } } Hi Marilyn - how's the kick boxing going? } } We've just received a warning about a so-called "Ebola virus". Do you } know anything about it? It's another hoax like the Good Times virus, } right? } } Gaylord } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } From: Marilyn Gillette } } To:   F. Gaylord Wallbanger III } } It is well known that the Internet is crawling with hackers and } viruses. As one of the main sources of exposure on this campus, I feel } it is highly inappropri.te for your group to adopt such a complacent } attitude. Please treat this viru. as a serious potential thr..t and } inform me of what steps you plan to take to avoid possible inf.ction. } } Marilyn } }           a   s                       e   ea } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } From: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III } } To:   Marilyn Gillette } } Aw, c'mon M..ilyn! You kno. the "h.ckers and viruses" bit is a.l scare } stories wh.pped up by the sensation.list end of the m.dia. You .lso } know perf.ctly well that we've never had a vir.. c.me in via the } Oracul.r comp..ers. Our precautio.s are more than adequa... } } Gaylord } }    ut                             a            t }    ee    iar            n w       a      us  o te    e       la   a } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL } } Fr.m: Maril.n .illette } } To:   F. Gay.ord Wallbang.. I.I } } Cc:   Th. Usenet Or.cle } } Th.s is not an acce.table re.pons.. Your firewalls .re to all inte.ts } and pu.poses non.xistent. N.w find out wh.t this Eb.la vi.us is an. } tak. any ..cessary steps to comb.. it. } } Mar.lyn } }   u }   i        e      p    a                                          e } neoi   e  yl  G   a    oter sI   e   a         o  a r         d   n } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UNIV.RSITY OF I.DIANA INTER.AIL } } Fro.: The Us.net Or.cle } } To:   .a.ilyn Gill..te } } Hi Mar.lyn - how's the ..ck boxin. go.ng? } } Ga.lord shoul. ha.. cc'ed me in on this co.responden.. fr.m the star., } as I cou.d easil. have prev.nted thi. confusion. .bola is a bio-virus } wh.ch sporadi.ally br..ks out in C.ntral Afric.. Lethal to hum.ns, but } no. .xac.ly pr.valent o. the Net. } } I sup..se this situat..n could ch.nge in the futur. as its pr.ncipal } cyberhost .s Windows95, but we.re no. likel. to be s.eing that anywhe.. } aroun. here i. the *near* fut.re, ar. we? Ha ha h.. } } Orrie } }      do           e              a }      pi c i ny    en    kn       s  e          E    e               i } e ymtlM r e ed eavat io Ei  eu'  g Nti  a ry   M ae ce  ao   i     ttre } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UNIVERS... O. INDIA.. INTER.A.L } } .rom: Mar..yn Gi...tte } } T.:   .he Us.net Ora.l. } } Yo. idiot! Don.. y.u read .ur m.nthly b.llet.ns? Co.putin. S..vices has } b.en a beta test site f.r Windo.s95 f.r the pas. 3 m.nth.! } } D. you re.lise I .m go.ng to hav. t. close do.n an. sanitize t.e entir. } c.mpuswide n..work? Yo. can bet y..r omniscien. booties t.at th. dean } wi.l hear .f this! I s..gest you .tart loo.ing f.. a new home. } } Ma.ilyn } }  a }  o               ug   u }  er      a  et   ao   i     s  we    k u    r  t         h } Fou  oT  ile't  lle c eo  oITY oFouo o NA  oiwtM Idmo   sg  erhe      el } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                   UN.VERS..Y .F IND..NA IN.ERMA.L } } .rom. Th. .s.net .racl. } } .o:   Mari..n G.lle..e }       .. Ga.lor. Wa..bang.r .I. } } Um, I'm n.t q.ite sur. how to br.ng th.s up, y.u two. I .m, .s you } kno., im.ortal, but, well, hav. .ither .f .ou made .ut y..r will yet? } } In d..pest sy.path., O.rie } }                       r } T   e     ly m d   ll e     I I } F m :eF eoUyeu i OytteI eeeIT O io yIAi     Too  Iou    a   a         w } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a version of Dr Solomon's that combats Ebola virus, } or a suitable site at your university on which to build a new Oracular } temple. You choose.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DId George Lucas REALLY send me E-mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, those are E-woks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most powerful oracle!  Please take the time out of your busy > schedule to answer my humble question: > > How do I manage to pop all the kernels so that I stop ending up with so > much flopcorn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Fiber-challenged Supplicant: } } There are several ways to increase the yield of fully popped kernels or } to raise the coefficient of corn conversion.  For discussion purposes I } will assume that you refer to microwave popcorn since it is the easiest } method of preparation.  You obviously did not even try to use the } highly effective air popped or the shake a pan on the stove methods } since that would be WAY TOO MUCH WORK AND WHAT ARE THESE SUPPLICANTS } COMING TO, THE LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING... } } but I digress - to avoid unpopped corn: } } 1.  set the microwave for 60 minutes on high. } } 2.  recook the bag twenty times. } } 3.  place aluminum foil under the bag. } } 4.  take the contents of the bag and spread them on the floor of the } microwave then see number one above. } } 5.  take the bag to the nearest nuclear power plant and submerge it } into the coolant pool; withdraw all the control rods. } } And finally the most effective way: } } 6.  hold the bag close to your heart and ask me one of those stupid } woodchuck questions. } } You owe the Oracle a large tub, buttered.