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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are my pants brown?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Greenjeans, } } Obviously, you haven't been watering them enough.  Give my } regards to the Captain, and you owe me a bunch of carrots. } }       T.U.O.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise whose knowledge most mortal minds boggles, > tell me what does fiber optics have to do with beer goggles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} E'en poetic license, your syntax can't excuse. } Capital letters, too,  you must nevermore abuse. } } The number of your verbs and their subjects don't agree. } Use "do" not "does" for some optics more than three. } } The fibers carry queries from supplicant to Oracle. } The beer goggles' meaning is only metaphorical. } } While beer oft fogs the sober mortal's seeing, } Beer goggles clarify the drunk omniscient being. } } The connection between them is apparent, you see. } Without both, you'll get no response from me. } } For services received, this payment is required: } A new poetic license.  My old one has expired.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I become a rich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant who aspires to be undead, } } At first when I read your question, I thought you were asking for } financial advice, until I realized, based on your foreign accent, } that you actually want to become a *lich*.  I assume you've already } read up and know that a lich is the animated remains of a powerful } warlock or cleric.  But, unfortunately, you are neither of those. } So, to become a lich, you would have to train for many years in } these dark arts, before you could learn the skills to preserve } your remains and haunt your domain for the years after death. } } The problem, of course, is that the arts of sorcery were lost 634 } years ago (The last known sorceress was burned in Surrey in 1361 } after turning one too many a peasant into a newt, and was unable } to progress to the final stages).  And the clerics of the major } world religions have completely purged the dark arts from their } repertoire. } } So, barring your discovery, through extensive research in rare } document libraries and ancient monastic tombs, written records } of the correct methods (yes, *documents* detailing the dark arts } still remain, but your probability of finding them is approxi- } mately 0.0000624), I'm sorry to say the answer is no, you cannot } become a lich. } } Sorry to disappoint you.  Nevertheless, you owe the Oracle a } +5 mana staff of woodchuck smiting.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have the downloaded the Netscape package. After installing it, when I > executed it I get a message stating that "TCPMAN.EXE" cannot be found > within a Trumpet Winsock window. I then downloaded winapps2.zip which > contained Trumptel.exe but no luck. Please advise where I may get the > missing pieces for the netscape setup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TCPMAN is a Trumpet-Clarinet-Piano man for the required jazz ensemble. } You now have the trumpet player; you still need the clarinet and piano } parts.  If they're not available in winapps5.zip through winapps72.zip, } you might try hitting a local jazz bar, ordering a beer, and talking } with some of the musicians. } } The closer the trumpeter sounds to Dizzy Gallespie, the closer the } clarinetist sounds to Benny Goodman, and the closer the pianist sounds } to Elton John (strange tastes the Netscape people have, don't they?), } the faster your Netscape program will run.  The computer will print } out sheet music for background sounds for your trio. } } You owe the Oracle a good jazz CD.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand high Oracle, whose nose I'm not worthy to pick, I have > searched far and wide, o'er hill and dale, and yet I am still empty > handed. > > Where are my keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are wedged between the cushions on your sofa. Also, you will find } $0.57 in change, a koosh ball, a children's squeeky toy, a bigfoot, } Elvis, that pesky tv remote, and the remains of a mob informant. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the video "Indiana Jones and the Seat } Cushions of Doom".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah-HA!  So, you think you can fool the Oracle by asking the question in } a pitch only dogs can hear!  Well, I've got news for you!  I heard } every word as clear as if you were yelling it in my ear.  Your question } was: } } "How do I stop wetting my bed?" } } Well, it's easy.  Sleep on the couch. } } You owe the Oracle a whistle only deaf dogs can hear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do people always manage to joke, and others don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy oh boy, this is a biggie. I was hoping we immportals could keep } the answer to ourselves for a bit; you humans who don't know are such } a laugh! } } Oh well, you've got to learn some time. Briefly, it's this; all the } energy in the Universe is composed of humorous impulses; the Big Bang } resulted when Nothingness was no longer able to keep a straight } face. As an example, what actually happens in an atom bomb is that } when a number of highly excitable atoms are brought close together a } food-fight is bound to break out. } } Thus, all the environmental forces that shaped the evolution of the } human race were essentially comic. The sabre-toothed tigers that } mauled your ancestors were simply playing a bit rough. Earthquakes are } just the planet heaving with laughter. And of course the only defence } against joke is counter-joke, so humans evolved the ability to laugh } at their misfortunes, and thus overcame them. } } Unfortunately, humour, being a fundamental force, is not easy to } master. To laugh in the face of the cosmic joke requires a strong } spirit, a deal of intelligence, and a willingness to distance oneself } just that little bit from the butt of the joke, or 'reality' as } scientists erroneoulsy call it. Not all humans measure up; those that } don't will continue to provide the rest with hours of merriment as } natural selection pins the 'kick me hard, I like it' notice to their } backsides. } } You owe the Oracle an environmentally friendly stinkbomb.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise oracle > > Why does my boss's Digital Notebook not work ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it doesn't work silly, it's in management! If you examine it } carefully, you'll find that it's connected to every other machine in } the office via a local network, and is running MICROSOFT AUTOMANAGE } v1.02. } } Your bosses' notebook is currently wandering around cyberspace } distributing virtual forms of paper to each of the office computers, } all of which must be submitted in triplicate, asking questions like "do } you feel that you have adequate RAM?", "how heavy is your average } processor load?", and "please list the areas of your motherboard that } you believe could be improved". Upon receiving the automated replies, } your bosses' laptop will then draw a huge number of highly colourful } pie charts, bar diagrams, and memory mind-maps, which it will print out } on an A3 sheet colour laseprinter (which incidently none of the other } computers have) to be hung on the wall by a secretary. It will then bin } the results of the questionaires, and order itself another 16meg of EDO } RAM and a MIDI interface. } } Next it will announce that all the computers in the main office will be } replaced by Pentiums as 486s are now out of date (despite it having a } 286 itself). All computers are instantly ordered to stop computing, and } close down their hard drive immediately, and have completely clear } memory in five microseconds. Your bosses' notebook will then cut the } main power through an I/O interface exactly 5.1 microseconds later. } } Tomorrow it will leave the office, to go to an extremely expensive } hotel in Brighton with all the other computers in Management for a } 'bonding exercise'. All the management computers will link up together, } and set up a pattern of socket connections in a pentagram, while a } Super Nintendo Game Console wrapped in green tinfoil describes the use } of astrology in deciding when to flush your cache. } } And for the next day, well, none of those new Pentiums have filled in } the questionaire yet.... } } You owe The Oracle a few hours of 'refuse container placement } counselling'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, please tell me... > how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes and how many snots could a hotshot zot if a hotshot could zot snot? } The answer, you fool, is blowing in the wind... the answer is blowing } in the wind... } } You owe the oracle a day in the middle of a field, standing next to a } tall metal pole.  Then you'll truly understand the answer rumbling in } the clouds and blowing in the wind, until it at last welds your clothes } to your skin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose roasted Woodchuck burgers are never overdone... > > Do you have an FAQ list? Clearly, if there's a place where questions > are frequently asked....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, indeed, I do have a FAQ list. Unfortunately, it's not as useful as } it might be, since unlike most FAQ lists, it really does list the most } frequently asked questions. Here it is: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------- }       Questions Most Frequently Asked of the Usenet Oracle } }             Created: 6:23 pm, 19 April, 12,219,730,774 B.C. }             Last Revised: 7:48 am, 7 June, 1995 } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 1: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 2: } }      How should I know? } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 3: } } }         :wq } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 4: } }      So, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck? }      Hahahaha (gasp) hahahahahahaha. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 5: } } } }        :w }        :wq }        :q! } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 6: } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Question 7: } }       Are you still at that stupid computer? Cummon, Orrie, }       come back to bed. } }       [Note: This question is only asked by Lisa, but she asks }        it a lot.] } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a better crop of questioners.