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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SUBSPACE DISTRESS CALL > STARDATE MESSAGE RECEIVED: 52345.32 > SOURCE: USS HAMBUG, NCC-11744-A, NEBULA CLASS CRUISER > PRIORITY: I-ALPHA > TEXT: > "This ist Captain Heidelberg from the USS Hamburg speaking! > We are in desperate need for assistence! > All Federation Ships please help immediatly! > During research about a subspace rift at Kijei-213, that was reported > by the USS Ma'chais under Andorian Commander Alasai, we found > that this rift was a kind of gate. > Strange creatures appear through it on the 4.planet. > Cute and nice looking they do, we first feel not alarmed and > continued research. Then one of our away treams found a corpse > in the Appearence-Zone. It was a human body and the male person had > written with his blood on his white T-shirt: BEWARE OF WOODCH... > A Lt.JG. reported this to me over his comm-badge, somehow this > creatures must overheard this then suddenly the start to attack my > crew. The situation is desperate! > The creatures seem to be protected against phaser-blasts. > Only injections with CREAT-IV-Delta, a stimulans which increases mental > powers for a short time seems to have a toxic effect on them. > But there are THOUSANDS! We can impossible hypo each one. > The gate can't be closed either. > Please, assist us! > If we not get help or some new ideas how to stop them, I will order > the ship to colide with the planet in warp-flight, hoping to destroy > the creatures, the planet and the gate! > HELP US!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear.  The wormhole has torn open its stitches again. } } <Oracle picks up the phone & dials> } } Oracle: Q, could you please send somebody down to take a look at the } wormhole?  Its torn itself open again, and some of those dreadful trek } people have come through.  Yes, I know its 2am, but you're closer to } them than I am.  Remember, I closed it last time.  Thanks so much. } } <Oracle hangs up phone> } } Oracle:  Hang on, Captain whateveryournameis.  Someone'll be down to } put it to rights soon.  Why don't you do something no one has done } before for a while until they get there. } } <Q appears on the deck of the Hamburg in a flash of light> } } Q: Ah, more Starfleeters!  How Dee-lightful.  Hasn't anyone taught you } people about birth control yet?  Everytime I look up from my bowl of } chicken noodle soup, I seem to find more of you flying around. } You're like gnats, you are! } } Q: Well, I guess we bring it on ourselves.  A few appearances here and } there and you think you can do it too.  Well, come along, little } Starfleeters.  Get your things and I'll take you back to your dreary } little dimension. } } Heidelberg:  Wait a minute, here, Q!  We're not leaving you our vessel! } Either it goes back with us or we don't go! } } Q: Then maybe *you* don't go, Captain Hamburg of the Heidelburg, or do } I have that backwards?    Your ship is being impounded as payment for } bothering the Oracle *and* for getting me out of bed at this ungodly } hour! } } Heidelberg: Well, that's our stand.  Take it or leave it. } } Q:  I'll leave you.  *ZOT*! } } (Heidelberg is reduced to a pile of white ash) } } Q: Anybody else want to leave it? } } Crew:  NO, Sir!  We're packed and ready to go! } } Q: Ah, yes.  There's nothing like a faithful crew.  All right, just } click your heels together three times, saying "I was born on a pirate } ship" while holding your tongue. } } Crew: We can't say that! } } Q: <disgusted> You're no fun anymore.  <Waves his hand> } } (There is a quick flash of light, and the THX emblem is proudly } displayed for a moment, then they're gone.  Only Q is left standing on } the bridge) } } (Q pushes a communicator button) } } Q: Oracle, we've got ourselves another Feddie ship to sell!  Same as } always, 50-50? } } Oracle: Of course, but you get to keep the Captain's toupee.  Bring it } on in, and we'll see if they've left any of those sleazy Andorian } magazines on board. } } Q: Aye, Aye, Mon Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Captain Picard Pate-Polish and a } subscription to PlayVulcan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How will I do in life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Terribly.  You'll take the vocational path, you'll land your little } plastic car on all the squares requiring you to pay money, and you'll } end up going broke when one of your opponents is first across the "toll } bridge." } } You owe the Oracle $100,000.  With Art Linkletter's picture on it, } please.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle > plaese tell me how to decode all the pictures on the net which are > coded. > > Thanks in advance > > thomas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear thomas: } } It isn't really hard. Most pictures are encoded in a special 3-D format } that makes them easy to see. Simply print each page of the encoded } document onto translucent stock, line them up in reverse order, and } shine a bright light through the whole stack. You will see a } wonderfully rendered 3-D image of last month's playmate. } } If you have trouble viewing this kind of 3-D image at first, that's } normal. Try holding the picture close to your face, and slowly move it } back. See whether you can keep your eyes at the same focal distance the } whole time. Suddenly, the 3-D image will jump into view. } } Of course, there are a few unfortunate people who are unable to view } these images no matter how hard they try. If you are one of these, } you'll just have to settle for the 2-D pictures to be found at any } larger newsstand, in the section labeled "must be 18 or older". } } You owe the Oracle a jpeg-to-reality converter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, when will Mr. Right come for me?  I'm desperate enough to > except Mr. Well-at-least-he-doesn't-pee-on-the-couch (oh, long story).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle usually gets these from people (mostly men, but there have } been exceptions) looking for Miss Right (Ms. Right, if you insist).  In } fact, of the several dozen questions of that type that the Oracle has } received in just the past week, over half were from men the Oracle } knows were at least Mr. Adequate-for-you. } } There's no shortage of Messrs. Adequate out there.  A small subset of } those could be described as Mr. More-or-less-Right, and there are even } a few in your general geographical area.  There are three within } walking distance of you right now, in fact (that is, as the Oracle } types -- it'll be four when you first read this message). } } The problem is that you won't recognize them.  The Oracle could give } you names, addresses, phone numbers, usual haunts, etc.  You'd go check } them out and say "yecchh!" inwardly, and damn the Oracle for a mocking } bastard. } } Just to make you feel worse: during your lifetime, four different } versions of Mr. Right have asked you out, hoping for a first date.  You } rejected all of them out of hand. } } Anyhow, your standards are warped, and the men you suspect of having } potential are generally Mr. Will-piss-on-the-couch types.  Re-evaluate } them, and give some not-quite-your-type type a chance.  You'll find } the right one eventually, but the Oracle refuses to be more specific. } Before the Oracle attained Its Oracular Powers It was the sort of guy } who asked out women like you and was never given a chance, so you can } damned well be on tenterhooks for a bit.  So there.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, how can I land a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you need a 10-12 pound rod and at least an 8 pound tapered line. } A fly resembling a can of Coors generally gets good results. You should } cast -- } } <Orrie> } <What is it, Lisa?> } <That's obviously not the sort of landing this supplicant means> } <Well, how am I supposed to know! Am I a mind-reader?> } <Of course you are - it comes with the omniscience. How do you think }  we're communicating now?> } <You're right. I'll be forgetting my own head next ... So, no fly }  fishing, eh?> } <No, Orrie> } <Okay - leave it to me> } } Right, supplicant - take two. First, you become head of NASA. Next you } extract 20 billion dollars or so in funds from the Federal government } and reactivate the Apollo moon program. After that, landing a man } should be a small step for you. } } You owe the Oracle a giant leap for mankind.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If You ask Yourself a question, do You need to grovel before? If so, > what would that grovel be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first, you should have grovelled before asking me this.  But yes, } I do, I say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, } people _like_ me." } } You owe the Oracle a grovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Ancient Oracle...Most Wise (and who is also older than dirt).. > Please answer this poor supplicants question..... > > If You have been around for so long, and You know so much... >      Who created You??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... I'm not sure I like being referred to as being "older than } dirt". Even though I am that old, although being immortal, most Wise } (and how nice of you to say so, too), and all around a really amazing } sort of being, I have no use for such peculiar and limiting notions as } *time*.  For me, yesterday is today, today is tomorrow, and tomorrow is } next Thursday around noon. } } Be that as it may... } } You have asked as to my origin... "Who created You?" was your actual } words (and proper capitalization, I might add... it's nice to see a } supplicant get that right for a change).  I wish I could give you a } easy, simple answer on that.  Steve Kinzler thinks he had something to } do with it, and he has enough troubles coming up in his life without } adding to them so I won't bust his bubble on that one.  It can be said, } extremely oversimplified (!), that he has had a lot to do with the way } I am perceived to be NOW, at this particular tick in the Grand Glactic } Timex Clock. } } Of course, I've been around much MUCH longer than this... back when } the GGTC was just getting wound up.  I was never CREATED, I just sort } of CAME ABOUT as a result of extremely complex, highly random, and } very wonderful set of circumstances involving: } } 1)    A tremendous amount of cosmic energy } 2)    A whole lot of cosmic matter } 3)    A woodchuck } } No, I'm just kidding, there really wasn't a woodchuck involved.  Nor } was a lemur, or a lemming, or a ferret involved.  Nope.  Not a furry } one of them. } } Anyway, the energy and the matter got together and in a microscopic } portion of a billionth of a nanosecond, there was a brilliant flash of } light and I was.  Simply that:  I was.  Right after that, I could have } sworn I heard someone say "whoops", but I haven't been able to prove } it. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Joel Furr on a platter, and a copy of } Chuck Darwin's "The Origin of Woodchucks".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, buddy, know where I can find > some *HOT* pix? > > Senator Exon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} sigh..... } } On the H*LL Chain Gang! } } Listen Satan (or whatever you are calling yourself these days)  How do } you expect to get out of your current assignment with an attitude like } that?  How many years has it been?  You keep whining how hot it is in } your area but you refuse to do anything about it!  The maintanence men } refuse to come down after the last stunt you pulled with the burned } wood carvings from your art class.  If you expect anything to happen } down there then by golly, act right! } } You have 1000 years to get your act together or you will wish you were } back in h*ll. } } You owe the Oracle one freshly dug 10 x 20 garden plot and a shiny new } pickaxe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> YELLOW oracle! > wibble wibble wibble and all that stuff young man.How are you Orrie? > Hope you can answer this: > > Where is the house that Jack built?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The house that Jack built? Well, sit right down, and you'll hear a } tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started....Sorry - got a little } sidetracked there, been watching too many reruns...Gee whiz that Ginger } is one hot mama....Oh, yeah, thats right, you want to know where the } house that Jack built is presently residing. } } When Jack began building his domicile, he had just inherited about 10 } acres smack dab in the middle of a Kansas wheatfield.  Being a rather } complacent fellow, Jack failed to investigate the reason why there was } a foundation already built, without a house on top.  Just taking it for } granted that the gods above were smiling upon him, he began to assemble } his house. } } Jack hammered away for a long time, building his dreamhouse in the } middle of Kansas, and when he completed it, as you may have already } guessed, a tornado came and took his house away.  Being a rather } thrifty fellow, Jack went running after it, however, there was a } candlestick in the way that our nimble and quick hero had to jump over } in his house chase.  After jumping over the candlestick, Jack ran into } a girl named Jill, who went running after the house with him. } } Well the tornado left the house that Jack built on top of a well, on } the top of a hill.  However, when Jack and his new wife Jill went up } the hill,  the tornado took the house again... and you know what } happened to Jack and Jill. } } After their stay in the hospital, Jack and Jill got a divorce, (they } couldn't work together).  Jill got the car, and Jack got the house (if } only he knew where it was).  Anyway after a long journey involving } several giants, a pair of seven league boots, and some princesses, Jack } got a hold of some magic beans and planted them.  After the beanstalk } grew, Jack diligently climbed the beanstalk, went into the Giant's } castle, stole the magic harp.  While running away from the giant, upon } the clouds, there sat his house, where the tornado had finally left it. }  Jack exclaimed "There's no place like home, and home is where the harp } is!" while he rushed inside. } } The Giant, already mad at Jack for the horrid puns, stepped on the } house that Jack built and squished it flat. } } The answer to your question is:  On the bottom of the Giant's sandle. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Fractured Fairie Tayles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and might Oracle whose paths are clothed with the humble > submission of kings and peasants alike: > > Tell me how I may impress girls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, Horatio, I know it's difficult to get a crew for a British ship } of the line these days, but this new idea of yours just isn't going } to work. For one thing, it's illegal -- the Royal Navy will let you } impress as many men as your press gang can find, but they have strict } rules against doing the same thing to girls. For another, your new } recruits are unlikely to have much experience with seamanship (imagine } the rawest, greenest ship's boy you've got, and imagine a crew composed } of four hundred of him), and training, even more than courage, is what } will count when you're up against a French three-decker. } } A much better idea is to board an American ship or two, and press } *their* crews. After all, what are they going to do -- start a war? } } You owe the Oracle a swig of rum and some ship's biscuit.