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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most ancient, benevolent, creative, distinguished, eloquent, famous, > great, heavenly, inspiring, jocund, knowing, logical, magnificent, > notable, omnicient, prestigious, qualified, reknowned, sacrosanct, > tolerant, unquestionable, visionary, weighty, xeroxed, youthful, zesty > Oracle, this most humble supplicant appeals to you. > > My question is: Am I a manifestation of the Robotic Hypertextual > English Academic Listerve model?  As you are of course aware, in its > most sophisticated configuration it is capable of virtual reality > simulation which allows it to manifest itself in any way it chooses. > Am I such a manifestation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } And pay no attention to that man tinkering with your power pack. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who knows what the purpose of that little packet is in the > First Aid kit, please tell me: > > Who was the first person to catch a communicable disease? Who from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dubious honor of being the first to catch a communicable disease } belongs to a cave-dweller by the name of (roughly) Phr-Bat, who lived } in the early Pliestocene Period in what is now southern France. } Phr-Bat's clan of cave-dwelling hunter-gatherers was the first to } use spoken language as we know it today.  Before this time, there } were no names for diseases, so that they were of necessity difficult } if not impossible to communicate. } } As for who gave Phr-Bat the first communicable disease, the Oracle is } fairly certain that it was one of the clan's more promiscuous young } women.  Therefore, when Phr-Bat's wife used the marvelous new invention } of spoken language to inquire just how he came by the first } communicable disease, Phr-Bat also achieved the distinction of being } the first man to lie to his wife. } } Unfortunately, Phr-Bat met an untimely end when his wife asked (again } for the first time in history), "Do you think this caribou skin } makes me look fat?".  As far as the Oracle knows, a satisfactory } response to this question still does not exist, in any language. } } You owe us an autographed copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and knowledgeable Oracle, I have accumulated > several slightly used jockstraps (I'd rather not go into > how this came about).  Could you please suggest some good > uses I can put them to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need not reveal where they came from.  We can only imagine what } else a junior high school custodian accumulates while cleaning out the } lockers at the beginning of summer vacation. } } I asked His Royal Highness, and Chuck told me he would like to have } them to store his diamonds, rubies, emeralds, etc.  He couldn't think } of anything else. } } You owe the Oracle a 10% finder's fee.  How many is 10% of several?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Mighty Oracle, the most Extended Memory Manager, tell me: > >      Why do people in movies slip on banana peels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Well, suplicant, that's a very complicated question. To understand the } answer we have to go all the way back to---WAAAHH!! } } ~!@@#$###@%%#$%%$#$%$^^%%$^$^%^^%^%^%%$$%%%^%%&&%^^%%&^&^%^%%^&^^%%&^&^* } } DISC FAILURE } } NO CARRIER

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha!  When I first saw this request, I almost snapped the answer "Hey } look!  Kurt Cobane's skull contents!" but then it suddenly occured to } me to hold the computer screen up to a warm light bulb.  Sure enough, a } faint brown message slowly became visible!  Aha!  The old invisible ink } on the computer screen trick! } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }  Usenet Agent "Blackout" to T.U.O. } }  Classification: TOP SECRET. } }  Password:  "How many chucks before the woodchuck passes in }  woodchuck-ball?" } }  Grovel:  O Great T.U.O who's eyes I am hardly worth to be; } }  Question:  After extensive searching of the net I finally managed to } track Them down to Their secret HQ. As you thought, the Organisation is } more far reaching and insinuated into society than anyone ever thought } possible! } } I have sent this message in invisible ink to try to minimise the risk } of interception, but Their prying eyes are everywhere.  I have no great } trust that it will not be intercepted and deciphered.  Therefore there } is a self destruct mechanism that will melt the motherboard of any } computer receiving this message unless the usual anti-chuck words are } typed in. } } It appears that They have access to almost every computer linked to the } internet!  I've found Their characteristic traces in machines owned by } universities, governments, local authorities, private users , companies } and even our own mundane devises (Thank Your divineness for our great } security systems that They haven't gained access to the Oracular } computers!)! } } As yet They only seem to be interested in observing and monitoring the } net, but Their hold is such that they could easily censure and control } access of it all! Be warned, everything put onto the net will and has } been seen! } } The worst manifestation of Their power is a weird newsgroup claiming to } be the "Oracle"!  Apparently "supplicants" ask "questions" and get } pseudo-entertaining "answers" back.  They most "entertaining" of these } "answers" are compiled into weekly digests and published. } } Attempts to decipher any codes within these "Oracularities" by our } computers have been unsuccessful.  Current theories have it that they } are some sort of communication device for the Organisation or a way for } Them to reduce productivity in the workplace. } } Its obvious that they have some idea of how our own organisation works. } } This is alarming!  Our own attempts to subvert the internet are far } from vcomplete as yet.  I suggest that we step up the proces to phase } four and implement a policy of anti-productivity and disinformation, } especially where it comes to newsgroups. } } **It is IMPERITIVE that They do not realise that They are themselves } being observed!  Such a discovery could send Them over the edge with } disasterous results!  ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD THIS MESSAGE GO ANYWHERE } NEAR THE ORACULARITIES!** } } My question is:  What do you want me to do now? } } Message ends: 5...4...3...2...1...<ZOT> } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Oops!  Heh, Heh!  I guess I shouldn't have put that on there! } } You owe the Oracle details of what the other hand is doing and a real } question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, before whom the deep secrets ofinternational currency > markets and interest rates are as nought, who even knows how to > choose a well-performing mutual fund and write off the income > as a donation to the Save the Walrus Foundation, can you > elucidate for me the process of arbitrage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, little buddy, I don't really know.  What do you think, professor? } } On the top of 1100 televisions across the United States, there is a } small electronic box that monitors and records which channel the } residents are watching.  The ones with big numbers stay on, and the } ones with little numbers are syndicated to third world countries. } } Oo, oo, professor, can you make us a TV? } } Well, I don't know, Gilligan.  A television is a very complicated } electronic device.  Maybe with the watersoaked remains of the ship's } radio, a cracked porthole, and some bananna leaves... } } You owe the Oracle a bigger antenna.  I couldn't tell through the } static if you said arbitrage or Arbitron.  Maybe Mr. Howell knows...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *tsk* *tsk* *tsk* } } Next time, kindly refrain from expiring BEFORE I zot you. } } It takes all the sport out of it! } } -- } The Usenet Oracle       oracle@cs.indiana.edu } Zotting supplicants since 1989!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, Whose books have out sold all the best sellers over > the last few centruies, > > Why do movie theaters tack on soo many cheap "previews" to the first > ten minutes of the movie??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez. Lemme take care of that. } } [dials]... } Yo, Chuck? Yeah. The guys on the projectors are slacking off. Tell 'em } if they get caught running less than fifteen minutes of trailers again, } I'll personally go over there and, well, you know. Got that? } [click] } } Hey, thanks for letting me know. Gotta watch those bozos like a hawk. } } You owe the Oracle a huge tub of popcorn.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who's little tidbits of wisdom add up to a humungous > philisophical goulash, please grant me a tiny morsel; > > How much is that dog-gy in the win-dow? > The one with the wag-gly tail? > How much is that dog-gy in the win-dow? > I do hope that bow-wow's for sale! > > The question instantly arises is what does a dog eared version of > Windows cost, how DO you install a doggy into Windows and how do you > upkeep it? > > I mean, what does a Dog vK9.0 (woof) system eat?  Do you feed it > software, like slippers, and hardware, like bones, through the drive > slots?  I don't think I could even get a dog biscuit through mine. > What if it gets hungry and starts rooting through the trash for the > discards? What if it howls at the After Dark screen saver? > > And what about exercise?  I know they like to chase floppy disks and > frizbees, but what do you do if it starts scratching at the ethernet > gateway with the power lead in it's mouth?  I don't think my computer > can take trudging through the rain. > > Most importantly though is how do you computer train it?  How do you > train it not to leave corrupted bits (you know!) all over system.  How > do you stop it from running onto the Information Superhighway and > getting bowled?  You con't very well pat it on the console if it's been > good or roll up a news file if it's been bad. > > I suppose I could take it to obedience school and teach it commands > like "find" or ".exe" or "shut down", but I'd feel so embarrassed > dragging an unwilling computer to obedience school, then have it run > around, sniffing the real dogs' private parts, soiling it's > input/output ports and wagging it's power cord. Imagine the shock some > poor fellow dog would get from that!  What's more, imagine the uproar > when I say that I keep Doggy in a pull-down menu and sometimes have to > re-boot it to get it to do what I want! > > Please help me!  Are the problems above solvable or do I risk a Lynx > program instead (self installing to a window framework) and gamble on > not having cat and mouse problems?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't pay more than $100 for a dog-eared version of Windows. } Actually, avoid it if you can. } } The DOG (Data Organiser for Gardeners) system v K9.0 is a wonderful } little package from GreenLeaves Inc.  It is easily installed.  There } are a number of icons associated with it. } } The icon for the program itself is a cute little dog (naturally).  The } data is kept in the dog-bowl icon.  A double click on this gets you to } the directory, where each data file is represented by a bone icon.  To } run the program, just drag one of the bones to the dog and drop it. } } The beta version encountered some problems when run with After Dark, } but I am assured by the developers this bug has been fixed. } } The program comes with a very good tutorial (the leash icon).  At the } end of the tutorial, you can go through some exercises to see how well } you did. } } If too many data files are processed at once, the DOG will leave } behind temporary work files (doggy doo icons).  To remove these, } run the cleanup program (pooper scooper icon).  The developers } say this will be fixed in the next release. } } Also to come in a future release is the ability to transfer files } across phone lines without the need for a separate program.  In a } sneak preview I saw, the "send" function (stick icon) was working, } but there were problems with the "receive" function (slippers icon). } } Problems were experienced when the system encountered files from a } previous version.  To find out if any old files are compatible, drag } the old data file (bone icon) to the version checker (dog head icon). } If it is compatible, the icon will change to a wagging tail and the } file will be placed in a separate folder (mound of dirt icon), } otherwise it is deleted.  You can later check whether or not you } want to keep the older files. } } Unfortunately, the unwieldy pull-down menu system of the previous } version has stayed, spoiling an otherwise good package.  I didn't } have to reboot the system at all. } } Overall, this is a very good system.  Highly recommended. } } You owe the Oracle the next version of DOG.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get in contact with the politicians in the EC-parlament. > e-mail adresses are reqiuested.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracular Text Scanner v609598715.4: } BEGIN RUN: } Error: typographical error ratio (3/16) exceeds accepted maximum } (2/15). } } Incorrect words:    Suggested corrections: } "parlament"         "parlor lament" } "adresses"          "undresses" } "reqiuested"        "rejected" } } Corrected question follows: } "How can I get in contact with the politicians in the EC-parlor lament. } e-mail undresses are rejected." } } Translating Supplicantese into English... } Translation follows: } "How can I touch the monkeys in high places? Lewd e-mail is } unacceptable." } } Looking up answer in Oracular Database... } Answer follows: } "*KHROG!*" } } Translating Oracular answer into Supplicantese... } Translation follows: } "*ZOT!*" } } Blaratu kyo Oerink'l sclomeri peringu. } (Translation: "You owe the Oracle a better translator.")