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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O exquisitely dressed Oracle, whose One True Name anagrams into > everyone else's, please tell me: > > Who is the person known as "Ireland's Eighth Wonderful Wonder"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, lad, she is none other than Fiona Ritchie, host of the *Thistle and } Shamrock.*  Saint Fiona, Our Lady of A Thousand Reels and Jigs, or the } Blessed Fi, as we sometimes call her, has been known to appear to } Irish-Americans who get too far into their cups a-longing for the } homeland.  They grab a Waterford tumbler, fill it up with good Oirish } Whiskey, which is the nectar of the goddess, don't you know, they drink } of the elixir, and the Blessed Fi appears to them in a vision. } } She is standing over a divided Dublin, holding a palm of Peace to } England, a feather of hope to Gerry Adams, and the holy guitar to } leather-clad members of U2.  She has one foot on the back of Colm } Meaney, representing dominion over Star Trek and the Commitments, and } her other foot rests beside a fallen Sinead O'Connor and a chastened } Daniel Day-Lewis. } } She is surrounded by a halo containing a compact disc of the Chieftans } performing with the Boston Pops, a video tape of the movie "Blown } Away," and a box of Lucky Charms. } } You must worship her, oh lad or lassie, for she is holy.  Blessed be } the name of Saint Fiona. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of somethin' you drew with your *right* } foot, a map of Boston, and a pint of Guinness.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You will not graduate and you have no chance of winning the Texas > lottery or andy lottery for that matter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa: What were the last words of Sam Houston's undergraduate advisor? } } Alex Trebek: No, sorry. Anyone else? } } Cecil Adams: What three incorrect statements have been made by Marilyn }  Vos Savant in the past week? } } Alex Trebek: Um, no. Yes, Oracle? } } Oracle: What will happen if I quit my job at the graduated cylinder }  factory, and instead submit my name to all of the random drawings }  they're currently holding to select people for various jobs, including }  Governor of Texas, and Andy Richter's replacement on the Conan O'Brien }  program? } } Alex Trebek: Correct. Pick a category. } } Oracle: I'll take "Misdirected Answers" for $200, Alex. } } You owe the Oracle over $50,000 in cash and prizes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Omniscient Oracle... > > I know there's an Oracle FAQ, but is there an Oracle SAQ (Seldom Asked > Questions)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   If there was one, the list would be huge, not only because there are } so many questions that could be asked, but also because the general } public has no imagination and hasn't even made a dent in the supply of } un- or never-asked questions. Believe me, it isn't because they know } the answers. } }   However, just so you won't go home empty-handed, here is a list of } under-utilized questions regarding marmots. I chose this list for you } because there is only ONE question, about ONE kind of marmot, that } anyone ever asks me (which I have, of course, omitted). I could use a } little variety, you know. } }   What kinds of marmots are there? }   Where can marmots be found in North America? }   What does a marmot's diet consist of? }   What does marmot meat taste like? }   How long do marmots hibernate? }   What kind of bedding material do they use? }   Do marmots lay eggs? }   What is the gestation period for a marmot? }   How many pups will a marmot have per litter? }   How can I rid my yard of marmots? }   I don't have the ability to zot. How else can I rid my yard of }     marmots? }   How intelligent are marmots? }   Can I train a marmot to ride a motorcycle? }   Would a marmot make a good motorcycle jacket? }   How much marmot venom would it take to kill a man? }   Where can I find the constellation Marmota in the night sky? }   If Superman and a marmot got in a fist fight, who would win? }   Are there any closet marmots in the U.S. Senate? }   How far could the Missouri's 16-inch guns fire a marmot? } } That ought to do it. Don't even THINK of asking that other question. } } You owe the Oracle six more weeks of spring.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise all-knowing Oracle of the Net! > Tell me.: > Why can I only take very small steps, > when I have bought a pair of shoes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Truly, your question touches upon the deepest mysteries of the nature } of the physical universe. } } The process of shoe generation, like many events in physics, has about } it a certain symmetry.  Just as a passing gamma ray sometimes produces } an electron and an anti-electron, the colossal cosmic energies which } lead to shoe creation precipitate the formation of both a shoe and an } anti-shoe.  This fact explains why shoes nearly always occur in pairs, } and why the two shoes in a pair are mirror images of each other. } } Most pairs of shoes, once produced, quickly come together and } annihilate in a burst of radiation.  Indeed, in the early universe, } shoes rarely if ever existed for more than a fraction of a second } (which is why artists typically portray Adam and Eve as going } barefoot). However, as the great physicist George Reebok suggested in } the mid-1970's, shoe production occasionally occurred very near to the } event horizon of a black hole.  In these cases, one shoe would be } sucked into the hole, while the other shoe would be spun out of the } vicinity, to be thrown willy-nilly across the voids of space.  These } unmatched "cosmic shoes" sometimes enter the planet's atmosphere and } fall to earth, where they are often seen on the sides of highways. } } Although shoes have stabilized somewhat due to the cooling of the } universe, there is still a strong attractive force between a shoe and } its anti-shoe.  This force is mediated by a spin-1 particle known as a } futon (an English corruption of the original German "fuSSon"). } Futon exchange is readily observed among the bins of shoes found at } K-Mart, which contain the raw by-products of high-energy boot } collisions. } } The force impeding your steps is due to the exchange of futons between } the shoe and its anti-shoe.  The exchange usually manifests itself as } a stream of white plastic-like particles.  The solution to your } problem is to increase the potential energy between the shoes by } pulling them apart; this will reduce the attraction and make walking } easier.  Since you must add a complete quantum of energy before the } futon exchange slackens, do not be surprised if the shoes resist } strongly, then "snap apart" all at once. } } The manufacturers of more expensive shoes usually provide the } necessary increase in potential energy before shipping.  However, the } Oracle has it on good authority that a few discount shoe manufacturers } are instead breaking the shoe/anti-shoe symmetry by a dastardly and } highly secretive method.  When a pair of socks is raised to high } energies (e.g. by being heated and tossed in the dryer), it is fairly } easy to destroy one of the socks entirely; the energy released by } breaking the sock-symmetry is enough to separate several shoe pairs. } Hence, certain companies are quietly destroying socks in the world's } dryers in order to support their shoe separation facilities.  The } result is a lot of missing socks and terrible consternation among sock } owners, all for a few cents' reduction in the price of shoes.  The } Oracle is frankly disgusted. } } We hope that our explanation has clarified your problem.  You owe } the Oracle a pair of Doc Martens - size 10D, please.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and omniscient Oracle, who knows the deepest mysteries of > the universe, pray tell me .... > > why does no-one ever notice that Superman is really Clarke Kent > without his glasses on.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the entire world knows that Superman and Clarke Kent are } one and the same.  That is, the entire world, except for Lois Lane. } Its a test being done by the CIA to determine if the whole world } can be made to keep a secret from a single individual. } } It is the Oracle's understanding that a similar project is being } performed simultaneously with the Superman project to determine if } Bill Clinton can be prevented from knowing that he really doesn't } have a clue. } } You owe the Oracle a bright red cape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and porcine Oracle, whose largeness is most becoming, please > tell me: > > Why to pigs have curly tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pigs v2.0 feature windup keys in the form of curly tails, in case of } battery failure. Pigs v1.0 did not feature tails at all; thus no } working copies exist. } } You owe the Oracle 2 'D' cells, and some mud.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENTIAL OF THIS EQUATION.... > > Y= 7X'5 + 4X'3 + 1.5X'7 - 6X + 3 > > WHERE '5 '3 ETC REPRESENTS THE POWER E.G. SQUARED CUBED ETC..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That particular 1992 Ford Equation, with the VIN (Vehicle } Identification Number) "Y= 7X'5 + 4X'3 + 1.5X'7 - 6X + 3" } was originally equipped with the optional limited-slip rear } differential model LS-300, but after about 40,000 miles, it } started to lock up in tight corners, acting like a welded } rear-end ("poor mans positraction.")  This was common for the } LS-300 in 92 (due to a design flaw), so Ford recalled all } the 92 Equations that had that differential in 94.  They } replaced it with the LS-400.  The design of the LS-300 has } since been corrected, and new Equations have the improved } version, now called the LS-310.  Some Equations that were } missed in the recall are now being fitted with the LS-310 } as well. } } I can see why you might be confused, with three different } rear-differentials used in late-model Equations, so it was } wise of you to ask me.  The previous owner of your particular } car brought it in for the repair before the flaw in the LS-300 } was corrected, so the second differential of your Equation } is an LS-400. } } You owe the Oracle a sales brochure for the new 96 Acura } Integral.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From New Scientist, 28 August 93, Feedback column: > > "The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps > personal

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A. Supplicant } No-fixed-abode, } Cricklewood common, } England. } } Sir, }     your most recent transaction with The Oracle Bank Ltd } contravened the existing rules in two ways. Firstly, the Obligatory } Preamble, as specified in Section 3 paragraph 7 of the Supplicant } Agreement of 1994 was missing. This Obligatory Preamble } (hereinafter referre to as 'The Grovel') is necessary for all } transactions, and therefor our staff have been unable to process } your request. A Missing Grovel Fee of 15 has been applied to your } account. } } Furthermore, our staff noticed that the remainder of the request } was not a valid question, as specified in Section 4, paragraphs 3 } to 11 of the Supplicant Agreement. The standard Non-Question Fee of } 25 has also been applied to your account. } } These fees put your account into overdraft, and therefor a 30 } Unarranged Overdraft Entry Fee, as specified in Section 6, paragraph } 9 of the Supplicant Agreement has been applied. } } As stipulated in Section 7, paragraph 23 of the Supplicant } Agreement, an Unarranged Overdraft Fee of 5 per day will be applied } until your account is brought back into credit. } } We have charged you 15 for writing you this letter, as specified } in Section 9, paragraph 2 of the Supplicant Agreement. } } Yours sincerely, } }                 T.U. Oracle, }                 Manager, }                 The Oracle Bank Ltd.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O well-informed Oracle, whose every comment is both serious and > amusing, whose used toilet paper I am unworthy of recycling, please > tell me: > > What makes humor so darned funny anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA:  Hi, this is Lisa.  Sorry about all the noise.  Things are a bit } hectic right now.  You see the Oracle and Miss Manners had a little } disagreement over which fork to use so they are battling it out in } challenge wrestling match, best three falls out of five. } }          [crash, thud, "AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"] } } LISA:  My goodness, Jeeves, what was that? } } JEEVES:  The Oracle just caught Miss Manners in a flying body slam. } } LISA:  Wow! } } JEEVES:  Don't worry, Miss.  She bounced off her hairdo and landed on } her feet.  I did think she was going to lose her pearls though. } } LISA:  Well, keep an eye on them.  I have a supplicant to take care of. } Now where was I, oh yes, humor being so darn funny.... } }          [thump, bang, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!"] } } LISA:  Now what? } } JEEVES:  Miss Manners has the Oracle in a figure-four-leg-lock.  Should } I intervene? } }           [ring,....,ring,.....] } } LISA:  Answer the phone first, please. } } JEEVES:  It's Ann Landers, Ma'am.  She and Dear Abby want to challenge } the Oracle and Miss Manners to a tag team match over that little } incident with the meatloaf and the unwed mother. } }           ["We accept!"] }           ["Not without an engraved invitation."] }           ["Hey, watch it with those high heels."] }           ["Well, you keep those laurel leaves out of my eyes."] }           ["Look, Lady, if you'd stop hitting me with your purse, I }             might."] }           ["That's Miss Lady to you."] }           [crash, boom, thud] } } LISA:  Um, I think we'd better go now.  Try asking your question a } little later when things have calmed down.  By the way, you owe the } Oracle a bottle of liniment and Miss Manners a hand-written apology (in } blue-black ink on white writing paper).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> alt.usenet.oracle.omnicient.beneficent.merciful > alt.profuse.grovel.praise.flatter.compliment > alt.unworthy.supplicant.bow.scrape.genuflect > alt.humble.question.beg.give.answer: > > alt.arcane.newsgroups.read.write.post > alt.stylized.writing.use.misuse.abuse > alt.futile.struggle.strive.stop.cease? > > alt.crazy.mind.going.going.gone > alt.quick.help.need.require.desire > alt.eternal.gratitude.give.give.give

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} talk.problem.simple } news.groups.alt.too.many.reading } rec.nervous.making.you } } humanities.common.in.name.of } comp.your.turn.off } soc.life.get } misc.with.beings.human.other } } sci.some.people... } } biz.you.oracle.owe.quid.ten