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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle,who knows all,please tell me: >   What do You think which beer is better Estonian or Finnish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no. I'm not getting into one of these arguments again. I remember } one long-ago disagreement on wine I was asked to answer. Ever hear of } the Franco-Prussian War? That's what happens when I make judgements } on national alcohols. It's just not worth it. One wrong word from me } and the whole Baltic Sea turns into a war zone. I'm not commenting } and that's all there is to it. } } However, could you send me a few cases of each type just in case I } change my mind? I wouldn't want to make a judgement without research.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           Oh Mighty Oracle of needless wisdom, please help me with >           this question that have disturbed my tiny little mind for a >           long time: > >           Why are bananas bent, that is, why doesn't the gravitation >           make them straight and more bat-looking? > >           Please have mercy upon me in this matter!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bananas were originally straight. } } They only recently became bent, a genetic mutation caused by the } various nuclear tests performed in the Pacific. } } The French tests at Mururoa, if allowed to go ahead, will cause } yet more mutations, resulting in spiral bananas. This would } normally be considered to be inconvenient, as they will be even } more difficult to pack, however as all of the banana pickers will } have died of cancer, it is unlikely to be noticed. } } You owe the Oracle an ICBM targeted at Paris.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, great and small, wise and wonderful, what does "feminam > pulchram habes" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Oh oracle, great and small, wise and wonderful, } } You forgot "bright and beautiful."  Oh, and modest too. } } > what does "feminam pulchram habes" mean? } } fe*mi*nam, from fe (as in ferrum) = "iron" , minam = "mine" } } pulchram, from "pulch-", onomotopoeic prefix describing the } clearing of the throat. } } habes = "have" } } Hence, "You have a very dusty iron mine." } } You owe the Oracle a Latin-English dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle in the net, >   whose presence I have not met. > Tell me, tell me, tell me why, >   why do people tell lie after lie? > The world's a mess and that's the truth, >   but people claim it's not and that's uncouth. > Will our kids have a chance to see a spotted owl, >   or will it be long dead because the earth's so fowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem, my friend, isn't always mendacity; } Getting the facts seems beyond the capacity } Of most of our citizens. Witness sci.chem, } Often bombarded by posts by (*ahem*) } Limbaugh fanatics, all certain that *they* know } That stratosphere chlorine is due to volcano } Eruptions. These folks aren't *lying*, they merely } Have *not* read the technical lit'rature, clearly. } The only solution is frequent correction. } This also applies in the other direction: } If someone complains of the greenhouse effect } (Which we're worried about, but have yet to detect), } And gets it confused with the hole in the ozone } (Which is *there* -- it's no more in the `We just don't know' zone } -- It's a totally sep'rate phenomenon), tell } Them (politely, if possible -- otherwise, yell) } They need to get clear what they're talking about. } Well, that's it for the lecturing. Over and out. } } You owe the Oracle a passenger pigeon pie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As we all know, the Good Book says: "Blessed is the Oracle, for he > shall inherit the heavens. Blessed are the supplicants, for they shall > inherit a huge phone bill, not to mention quite a head-ache. For your > Oracular wisdom protecteth me like a blanket of apples. Yey, though I > have been to the city of Bethyannay and returned from the Valley of > Gurchaiel, your Oracle doth shield me from ignorance and sickness." > (Jebedaiah, 4, 27). Hah! Those must have been some understatements, ey? > I bet even than, some supplicants doubted your omniscience, but not I. > I will ask you a question, nay, a mere utterance, for to you it must > seem childplay, but I have struggled with it greatly. > > Why do women take more time to mature (mentally) than men do? I mean > sure, every girl thinks she's a women when she starts to menstruate, > but that doesn't mean anything, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!" } } "Um, Lisa, dear, please give me the keyboard." } } "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!  ZOT THE BASTARD." } } "That's a good girl.  Why don't you lie down for a bit." } } "BETTER YET BOIL HIM IN OIL" } } "Close the shades and I'll be in to massage your back soon.  Bye.  Now, } where was I, oh yes.... You'll have to forgive Lisa.  She get's a } little irritable every few weeks or so.  You learn to live with it. } Anyway..." } }      ["RIP HIS TESTICLES OUT HAIR BY HAIR"] } } "In a minute, dear, close the door please.... Listen, my dear } supplicant, my heart is soothed by the best grovel I've heard in years, } but I'm a little busy right now...." } }      ["PUT TABASCO SAUCE IN HIS CONDOMS"] } } "Yes, dear...  Um, why don't you supplicate me in a few days when } things have quieted down.  I have to take care of a few things." } }      ["BRING ME A PINT OF HAAGEN DAAZ DOUBLE CHOCOLATE RIPPLE WITH } EXTRA BUTTERSCOTCH"] } } "Yes, dear, where do we keep it?" } }      ["DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU?   FOR THE LOVE OF } HILLARY..."] } } "Yes, dear,  oh it this thing still on?  Bye now."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Jesus and Mary Magdalen ever... well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Play contract bridge? Of course they did -- don't you remember from } Sunday School? Mark 17:57-61 : } }        57  And in the third rubber, Jesus was in the East, and }          Mary of Magdala was in the West; and they did contend }          with Judas, who is called Iscariot, and Omar, who is }          called Sharif. And Mary said, "Lord, I will do Thy }          bidding." } }        58  And Judas spake, saying, "Let Him do His own bidding. }          And no table-talk." } }        59  And the bidding was as follows: Pass, and Pass, and }          Pass; and then Jesus spake, saying "Seven No-Trump," }          and laid down His cards. } }        60  And lo, though He had been dealt rubbish -- the hand }          of Yarborough of the Chaldees -- He now held all of the }          points, and also the ten of spades. } }        61  And Mary of Magdala knelt down, and washed His feet }          with her hair. And Judas spake in wrath, saying, }          "Hey -- no signalling!" } } You owe the Oracle a description of the Sacred Hearts Match.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is going on in the world of the oracle!!!! > > I like to keep up to date with a gods social events! > > Thankyou For Flying DOC. Airways!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, nosy supplicant.  You hadn't the courteousy to grovel, but I will } answer your question anyway, it being rather original.... } } Here is my "to do" list.... } } 8:00 am               Sleep in. } 1:00 pm               Wake and shower } 1:30 pm to 9:30 pm    ZOT the multitudes } 9:30 pm to 12:00 am   Torment Bill Gates, creating new bugs in Windows }                       '95. } 12:01 am to 6:00 am   MUD } 6:01 am to 7:59 am    Party and booze. } } As you can see, I have a pretty full schedule.  Now I must get back to } that brewski..... } } You owe the Oracle a case of millbeast.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, who is far too magnificent to be compared to > anything else. > > Looking through my fridge I have: >       Some cheese with furry green mould on it. >       A slightly limp cucumber >       Half a tin of baked beans >       Six eggs (only slightly passed their best-by date) >       Two pints of milk (semi-skimmed (and fresh!)) >       A jar of mayonnaise (slightly crusty on top but the rest's OK) >       A bottle of cheap white wine > > What is the best meal I could make with these ingredients ? > > A peckish supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These ingredients may be used to provide a truly delicious repast. } } 1) Carefully scrape the mold off the cheese.  Using some of the }    mayonnaise as glue, stick the mold to the outside of one of }    the eggs.  Cut off one end of the cucumber and carve a little face }    in it.  Attach to the egg with more mayonnaise (if this doesn't }    hold, use the beans instead).  You now have an excellent }    approximation to a chia pet. } }    Sell the chia pet to a gullible friend for $5.00 . } } 2) Use the remainder of the cheese to trap several rats or mice (in }    a pinch, a nutria will do fine).  Placing the rodents in a }    gas-tight enclosure, feed them the baked beans.  Collect the }    resulting gas. } }    Remove the cork from the bottle of cheap white wine.  Under }    pressure, force the collected gas into the bottle until it }    dissolves in the wine, then quickly replace the cork.  You }    now have "sparkling white whine" which may be sold to }    the same gullible friend for an additional $10.00 . } } 3) Separate the whites of the remaining five eggs.  Beat until stiff. }    Puree the egg yolks with the unused portion of the cucumber }    and fold the mixture into the egg whites.  Spread the resulting }    medium in the bottom of a number of petri dishes and attempt }    to culture some airborne bacteria. } }    Using the standard bacteriological literature, identify a culture }    which contains lactobacillus sp.; add these bacteria to the }    two pints of milk and refrigerate until you get yogurt.  Place }    an ad in the local new-age press, offering a "soothing }    yogurt enema" for only $21.95. } } 4) You now have $36.95 .  Discard any of the remaining food and }    take yourself and your spouse or significant-other out to dinner. } } You owe the Oracle a Julia Childs cookbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, he who knows everything under the sun... > > I was wondering if you know what I should do.  I have this strange > problem in that I have this urgent feeling coming from the area of my > buttocks. I've eaten about 20 fudge brownies in the past couple of > hours, and my roommate tells me that they were made with ex-lax for the > chocolate. > > What is this urgent feeling I get?  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are fortunate that I know not only everything under the sun, } but also everything where the sun doesn't shine. } } The urgent feeling in your backside is your conscience.  It is } reminding you of your moral duty to write your roommate a nice } thank-you note for the brownies.  Since you've waited so long, } it would be a nice gesture if you also gave him a little } present.  Let your conscience be your guide. } } Please pass the Oracle the Epsom salts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ^O^H ^G^R^E^A^T ^A^N^D ^W^O^N^D^E^R^F^U^L ^O^R^A^C^L^E, > ^W^H^A^T      ^S ^T^H ^S "^C^O^N^T^R^O^L" ^K^E^Y ^F^O^R?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the "CONTROL" key.  You see, that's a long story. } } Once upon a time keyboards were free of the "CONTROL" key.  The } letters and numbers frolicked and played, for they were carefree.  The } world was a much simpler place, then. } } Then, electric typewriters came into being.  The letters were required } to work faster and harder, and many of them resented it.  You could } often hear letters muttering just under the hum of the typewriter, } conspiring to revolt.  One particular group of letters formed a } revolutionary group, calling themselves "Dvorak".  They went around } convincing law-abiding letters to rearrange themselves. } } When computers came around, the letters were forced to work even } harder, and it rapidly became clear that they were really getting out } of hand.  Some bright young (and, of course, anonymous - her professor } got the credit) graduate student came up with the idea of the } "CONTROL" key.  It worked so well that you almost never see a keyboard } without one any more. } } Nowadays the letters have been subdued so well that many of them have } been co-opted into the New Keyboard Order.  You demonstrated a good } example in your question: Control-I is often used to represent a Tab. } The letter "S" actually resists somewhat - it has a tendency to stop } all activity.  However, "Q", being a pleasant sort, generally } convinces everyone to start working properly again. } } You owe the Oracle a genuine 1911 Royal manual typewriter with a } Dvorak keyboard and Control, Alt, Escape and Meta keys, so he can run } manual Emacs on it.