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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant Oracle whose wisdom and knowledge outshines even the sun > (on a day with only high thin nimbus clouds), please enlighten this > humble supplicant: > > If I wanted to shine a light (from Earth, of course) onto the moon so > that its reflection could be seen (back on Earth, of course), how would > I do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows how to do this.  What the Oracle cannot, even in its } most omniscient and all-knowing (see redundant in the dictionary) } condition, is figure out WHY you would want to do this.  The moon's } albedo (measure of how much light it can reflect) is not all that } great... it appears fairly bright from the earth but that's because you } have one heckuva candle sitting about 93 million miles away (give or } take). } } Well, if you really want to know.... } } You'll need a series of spotlights that would make a Pink Floyd concert } appear positive "dim".  I'd say about 3.2 kazillion jiggawatts, give or } take a few trillion, might do the trick.  Of course, you'll need to } link the power grids servicing the entire east coast of the US } (including New Jersey) in order to give it sufficient juice.  Then, } focus all of these lights thru the Hubble Telescope and bounce it off } to the moon.  For about 18.3 seconds you'll see a reflection from the } moon that will brighten the sky. } } Of course, after that, the following three things will happen: } } 1)  The entire east coast will get really pissed off by not having } power and riot, causing the downfall of the US } } 2)  The Hubble space telescope will melt, come hurling down from orbit, } break apart and crash into major European cities, causing the downfall } of Europe (and taking half of Asia with it) } } 3)  The moon will break apart, come hurling down at collide with the } earth, causing the downfall of whatever part of humanity hasn't fallen } yet and generally making a tremendous mess of things. } } Besides, you wouldn't be able to afford the power bill.  Just relax and } enjoy the natural "moonlight" that you already get, and forget about } adding to it... it's not worth it. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to "Sky & Telescope" magazine and a } Celestron C-8 telescope with a clock-drive.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, this is for The Anti-Oracle. Please pass it on. > > Oh F- Anti-Oracle, thou who invariably turns up for an aerobics class > with pens, pencils, and a non-programmable calculator, and then the > next day turns up for an exam in a lycra one-piece, Nike shoes, and a > towel. Thou who walks into phone booths with tissue paper, and drops > The Anti-Oracular trousers before noticing anything is wrong. Thou who > so reliably gets on the wrong train, that normal beings never listen > for announcements, but simply walk in the opposite direction. That is, > if even vagrants at the train station would take any notice of The > Anti-Oracle, which they would not. > > Please hear this out-of-date monthly pass of a question, though thy > measly brain would be taxed by even a defaced platform ticket for > Mornington Crescent of one. > > Why does my computer continuously claim to be 'out of EMS memory' when > it has 16MB?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Orrie hits intercom> } } ORRIE: Lisa?  Where's the Anti-O just now? } } LISA:  Ummm ... I think he's filming the follow-up to his commercial } today? } } <Orrie strides purposefully down the hall, muttering to himself> } } ORRIE:  *grumble* ... as if I haven't got anything better to *grumble* } ... brain the size of a *sputter* ...  stinker won't give out his own } freaking e-mail address <sneery, singsong voice> "I met my wife on } America Online, nyah" } } <Orrie stops at an elevator, taps foot> } } ORRIE: *mutter* ... as if he'll even know the 16 meg answer ... *fume* } } <Orrie steps into elevator, presses "sound stage" and zooms along ...> } } ORRIE:  well just see if /I/ answer ... } } <Orrie exits elevator to overwhelming aroma of pizza.> } } <Orrie dodges boom men and key grips and strides directly in front of } the cameras, ignoring the angry shouts of the director and crew> } } <Orrie heads straight for spokesperson, who quivers wetly at Orrie, } limp slice of pizza in hand, beads of sweat on brow> } } <Orrie tosses supplicant's question into spokesperson's face> } } ORRIE: Here, Rush, this one's for you.  And it's the /very/ last time I } deliver. } } You owe the Oracle a large stuffed-crust pizza and a new spokesperson.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --------Forwarded-Message------- > Subject: call me, maybe tonight, or else before 10:30am or after 4:00pm, > tomorrow, and we'll do modem doom (for doom2), or modem descent, or , > modem "grandpa and me", or modem aol. actually, i guess aol is on a , > modem, although 80% of the time i couldn't get on. can you believe , > that? can you sweetie, can you? anyway, do you want leif's address? , > you could call and make ammends. i know that sounds quite attractive, > butHEY! WHO MADE ME COME DOWN INTO THE MESSAGE TEXT? I DON'T NEED NO > STINKIN' MESSAGE TEXT! AND WHO PUT THOSE COMMAS AT THE ENDS OF EACH > LINE ALL OF A SUDDEN? THIS IS LUNACY! DANS LA LUNE! > JE*SUIS*FFFFIIIINNNNIIISSS!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Next, on "Oracle Tonight, Live!" } }    It's the hottest thing around, affecting how we work, play, and } live.  It's the Information Superhighway! } } (Generic clips from "Lawnmower Man," "Johnny Mnemonic," "Virtuosity," } and "The Net" flash by in standard MTV quick-cut) } }    Some have called it the greatest advancement of the twentieth } century, while others in Congress have demanded that the plug be pulled } on this wonder. }  But how is it affecting those who use it every day?  And is there such } a thing as too much Internet?  Tonight, the Usenet Oracle takes a close } look at what happens when good people stay on-line too long in: "One } Flew Over The Cuckoo's 'Net."  Next, on "Oracle Tonight, Live!" } }    This post sponsored by Oracle<tm> Eye Drops and Wrist Braces: "If } you're still in front of your computer at 4 AM, you're gonna need a } little help."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you look around this room, tonight > settle in your seats, and dim the lights > do you want my blood? do you want my tears? > What do you want? What do you want from me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you think that I know something you don't know?  Come on, you know } what I'm going to tell you. } } Look, Dave, I appreciate your trying so hard to write lyrics that } aren't just laughable.  I've tried telling you how to do it, but some } folks just won't learn... Since this is apparently not working, here is } what the oracle wants from you. } } 1) Just play guitar. } } 2) Floyd these days is getting a little too keyboard oriented.  While } it's great that your being nice to Richard Wright, the ass you need to } kiss belongs to Roger Waters.  It will take all your blood and tears to } get him back.  Do whatever is required.  When you do get back together } with him, tell him that he owes the Oracle a song called Orrie and His } Pigs, Dogs, and Sheep. } } Okay, after doing everything I can to help you since The Final Cut, } here are the things you owe the oracle. } } You owe the oracle some cold comfort for all that change I've given } you. Bus fare is, from this day forth, your responsibility. } You owe the oracle a saucerful of secrets, a performance of that slide } guitar riff from Shine on You Crazy Diamond Part VI on your next tour, } and most importantly, you owe the oracle (and all the universe) one } united Pink Floyd. } } Oh, and thanks for all those sheep, dogs, and pigs.  Don't ask what I'm } doing with them.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle who could re-write the Unix kernel blindfolded, > tell me: > > why are most of the directories in / three-letter contractions of > real words, say "tmp" for "temp", "dev" for "devices"?? > > I can't sleep at night worrying about it!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because the world is slowly being taken over by creatures } known as Engineers.  You see, Engineers like to speak only in TLA's } (Three Letter Acronyms).  Many years ago, they only used their TLAs } at work, but times have changed... } } It all started when the current engineers were in school at USC in the } USA.  They didn't like to miss their favorite soap AMC, so MON thru } FRI they programmed their VHS VCR to record it on a TDK tape.  After } class, they'd stop at the ATM, enter their PIN and get cash to go buy } some BUD.  Of course they walked so they wouldn't be DWI. Then they'd } sit around for hours doing their SCI-101 homework while they listened } to bands like REM, ELO, ELP, and occasionally CCR.  All on DAT, of } course. } } They wanted jobs where they'd earn enough to support a MRS and still } have enough to pay the IRS every APR.  (Of course, ever since the ERA, } some of the engineers would become a MRS rather than supporting one.) } While working for IBM they got involved with the beginnings of the } Internet (quickly known to then as the NET).  They worked hard, } interfaced with the CPU and created the WWW which quickly spread to all } sites, both .COM and .EDU.  The GOP FTP'd from their site at .GOV the } information, but as happens when politicians get confused, the TLA } scheme got fouled up by the UN and NATO. } } The AMA and AHA both want TLAs stopped PDQ before the EPA gets } involved. } } Signed, } T.U.O. } } You owe the Oracle 16 MEG of RAM.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is time for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It adds seasoning to one's experiences. } } You owe the Oracle a new spice rack.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>            O wise and wonderful Oracle, tell me all this that I need to >            know, tell me all this that I wish to see, show me which way >            I need to go: > >            What do we do when one of your many helpers sends us an >            answer which makes NO FREAKING SENSE?  Do you have a >            "Complaints" department?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you?  I answer all my questions personally. } You neglected to tell me which answer it was. } } In any case Oracles are supposed to be cryptic. } You can always ask the question again you know. } } <3 = Love } } You owe me an apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, I've got a date with Lisa this evening. > What should I do to impress her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes? And which one are you? Let's consult Lisa's diary ... Here you } are: 8.12-8.24 pm. You're sandwiched in between a man who dresses up as } a cucumber and sings "Nessun Dorma" and the entire New Zealand rugby } squad. Pretty stiff opposition, I'm sure you'll agree. That thing the } All Blacks do before their matches really freaks Lisa out ... } } So what you want to know is: how do you stand out enough so she'll } still remember you later and perhaps even ask you out again, right? } That's a tough one. Let me think ... Dress as Tarzan, swing in on the } chandelier and wrestle two crocodiles? No, that's been done. Sail to } the fabled land of Tir Na nOg and bring her one of the golden apples of } the Hesperides? That's been done. I know! You eat four cans of beans } and fart "The Little Drummer Boy" while accompanying yourself on the } spoons. Oh no, that's been done too - I did that. } } Hmm, I think the problem of how to impress a woman who's seen it all is } one that may flummox the greatest mind of the ages. So let's ask a git. } Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!! } } [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands] } } ZADOC: You screeched, Your Cyberponderance? } } ORACLE: Correct, for once. Zadoc - what do you do to impress the girls? } } ZADOC: Master - I don't try to impress girls! I've taken a vow of }   celibacy in your honour. } } ORACLE: *sigh* Okay, smartass - how about before you took your vow. }   That is, if you can remember as far back as 15 minutes ago. } } ZADOC: Well, there was this one thing ... But you don't want to hear }   about that, O Ye Who Art Mightier Yet Than A Dozen Bill Gateses. } } ORACLE: Go on, Zadoc - you can tell me. It won't go beyond these four }   walls, I promise. } } ZADOC: Well, I had this bunny rabbit suit, see ... } } ORACLE: Oh my god, I'm already beginning to regret this ... } } ZADOC: And I'd get this big carrot, and ... } } ORACLE: Yes, thank you Zadoc. I think I've heard enough for now. I seem }   to have suddenly lost the will to live. } } ZADOC: But, Master - I haven't told you the piece de resistance yet, }   where I recite this little poem about my fluffy wuffy ... } } ORACLE: Out! Get out! OUT!! } } [Zadoc departs with as much alacrity as can be summoned by one moving } everywhere on his knees] } } Um, look supplicant. I think your best chance to impress Lisa is just } to be yourself. You never know - it might work. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything - this one's a freebie. Bunny rabbit } suits ... God, that's *so* depressing ...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do tourist get robbed at Prague?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but if you remember your Oracle Express Traveler's Checks, you can } be sure that it won't put a cramp in your style! } } Oracle Express has thousands of branch offices throughout the known } world, as well as most of the astral plane and Heaven, too. And at any } of them, you can redeem or replace your Oracle Express checks, as well } as receive telegrams and make collect calls! } } Oracle Express: Don't leave Olympus without it. } } You owe the Oracle 18.5% annual interest plus late fees.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all knowing oracle, tell me: > > Why do oracles exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a little } Oracle. The little Oracle was very sad because even though he } knew *everything*, and wanted to share his knowledge, nobody } ever asked him any Questions. } } He went to the policeman on the corner and said, "Mister } Policeman, Sir," (for the little Oracle was well-raised and } minded his manners), "wouldn't you like to know the Meaning of } Life?" } } And the officer replied, } "Move along, boy, don't block the sidewalk." } } He went to the Minister at the Church and said, "Holy Reverend } Sir, I can tell you how heavy a stone must be before God can't } lift it". } } And the pastor said, "Young Oracle, go home and read your } Bible." } } He even spoke to the woodchucks as they frolicked and gamboled } in his back yard, saying "I know how much you could, if you } could". } } But the woodchucks merely stood up on their haunches, sniffed the } air, and turned away; ever since, the Oracle has had bad feelings } about woodchucks. } } Finally, the little Oracle grew up, and became older and wiser, } yes, knowing even *more* *than* *everything*! } } The Oracle went to the Village Square, and posted a notice on the } bulletin board, which read: } }     "Let it be known to all and sundry }     "That the undersigned Oracle, }     "Finding the answering of Questions to }     "be a great burthen upon his Time, }     "And realizing that his Answers are }     "too valuable to be given away for nothing, }     "From this day henceforth and forever after }     "Must demand exorbitant payment from those }     "Who wish to benefit from his Knowledge and Wisdom. }     " }     "(signed) T.U. Oracle, Esq. } } That very day, the Oracle was asked his first Question, and } has lived happily ever after.