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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Superlumic Oracle, who looms above, > > If you were in a car going at the speed of light, and the > light turned yellow, would you try to make it through?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} no.  If there was (me forbid) an accident, not only would I be cited } for running a light, but I'd also be cited for going 647999945 miles } per hour over the speed limit!  Do you know how expensive that is?  So, } if this situation happened, I would slam on my brakes and pray I'm not } in an old car with drum brakes.  hehehe......actually I would just ZOT } the light.... they annoy me anyway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise one, ask me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, here's one for you: } } When supplicants who don't know the difference between the subject } and message parts of their outgoing mail get ZOTted, what setting } does the Oracle put his ZOTter? } } You owe the Oracle a ZOTter the goes higher than "Fry'em like an } A-bomb".  Now hold still...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and generous Oracle, who knows the reason behind all > things, pray tell me > > If coke is 'it', what is everything else ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Playing tag again?  Aren't you a little old for that?  Or are you } playing tag with yourself? } } Everything else is 'not it' and should run away. } } Ollie, Ollie, in-come-free. } } You owe me a can of root beer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Vastness of Vastnesses, O Be All of End Alls, O Qumquat of my >      Heart, please answer this question that has been a burr under my >      saddle for some time: > >      Why are all the Oracular answers to my questions pathetically >      un-funny?  And why do the Keepers of the Digest repeatedly choose >      the blandest of even these bland queries for the general populace? >      Why have the Oracularities come to suck so much? > >      I know it cannot be your fault, O Barnstormer of the Gods, unless, >      of course, it is. > >      Thank you for your copious time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question is quite simple, my child.  Joel Furr has } put a curse on the Oracle.  Yea, verily the posting of the } `Frinkquently' (gag, choke) Asked Questions about lemurs causes the } overall quality of Oracular answers to lower, and the Priests' tastes } to decline, and the condition gradually gets worse and worse with every } posting of this so-called FAQ. }       The Oracle has tried to be patient with Joel Furr, and has asked } him politely to stop posting the lemurs FAQ.  Many times.  Many, many } times.  Many, many, many, many, MANY times.  But now drastic action is } called for.  Yes, my child, the time has come; Joel Furr must be } ZOTted! }       But the destruction of such an evil creature--who has made his } vile presence known throughout Usenet for quite some time now--requires } much patience, and diligence.  And cooperation from the supplicant.  Of } course. } } First, lay your hand upon your heart and chant the following: "Joel } Furr must be destroyed.  Joel Furr must be destroyed.  Joel Furr must } be destroyed." } } Now, stand up, thrust your hands up into the air, and spin around, as } fast as you can, until you vomit.  (Use ipecac syrup if necessary.) } Pick up the vomit in your hands and call out, "JOEL FURR IS A VICIOUS, } FLESH-EATING, ALL-AROUND NOT VERY NICE FELLOW!  OH GODS OF USENET, } REDUCE HIM TO THE SLIME FROM WHICH HE EMERGED, WORSE SLIME THAN THIS } VOMIT WHICH I HOLD IN MY HANDS!"  Whereupon the gods will be frightened } by your obvious mania and immediately begin work to destroy Joel Furr } just to get you to stop bothering them. } } If all goes well, Joel Furr will be ZOTted within two weeks' time.  By } then, there will also be some non-American people ready to answer } questions--maybe even some of those hilarious Englishmen.  Who knows? } One of them might even be able to answer your question in an } entertaining and amusing way, unlike this drivel spouted by a complete } imbecile! } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a book of jokes other than those about bodily } functions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dilbert

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Oracle is not Dilbert.  Good guess.  Oh, and in case you didn't } get the announcement (you didn't -- the Oracle knows that you didn't): } } > THE "GUESS THE TRUE IDENTITY OF THE ORACLE" Contest } > } > Yes, you can win an all-expense paid vacation, including round-trip } > airfare, to gorgeous Delphi, home of the Oracle!  (No, not the on- } > line service that's appropriated the name, silly.)  You'll stay at } > the exquisite Holiday Inn -- okay, it's not that exquisite...in fact } > it's a bit run-down and even the non-smoking rooms smell a bit of } > stale menthol-laced cigarettes and joints...well, it's better than } > the Motel 6 down the road, honestly -- of Bloomington, Indiana, the } > Modern Delphi, near the lovely campus of Indiana University!  A pair } > of Bobby Knight's old sweat socks will greet you when you enter your } > rather nice room -- well, actually they'll just sit there on the } > top of the television set, but that's just as well because if they } > actually greeted you you'd be quite disconcerted, wouldn't you? } > } > You'll get to meet the Oracle IN PERSON, as well as the lovely Lisa! } > You'll get to have SEX with the Oracle or Lisa or both!  In fact, } > Lisa will insist on having sex with you, and your personal sexual } > behavior and inclinations will be auto-magically adjusted so that } > you're sure to be willing!  You'll get to buy lunch for at least } > three visiting Oracular Priests!  You'll get a nine-track magtape } > including all the Collected Oracularities and the Oracle's source } > code!  You'll get the keys to the city -- well, to the faculty } > lounge in the CS building, and they'll change the locks after you } > leave, but you'll have all the bad coffee you can drink and get } > to chat with World-Famous Computer Scientists -- and maybe even } > see them pick their noses!  You'll even get to meet Mr. Kinzler! } > } >     Contest Rules: } > } >     Before 1 July (Greenwich Mean Time), send the Oracle a } >     message telling It who YOU think It is.  One entry per } >     e-mail address.  Void where prohibited.  Mr. Kinzler, } >     Oracular Priests, their relatives, Lisa, etc. not allowed. } > } >     Helpful Clues! } > } >     The Oracle is NOT any of the following: } > } >     Sen. Exon } >     Rep. Gingrich } >     Camille Paglia } >     Madonna } >     Lisa (not recently, anyhow -- no more of that shtick) } >     Jimmy Carter } >     Anyone appearing reguarly on television } >     You (unless you're the Oracle) } >     Anyone's pet (except, arguably, Lisa's) } >     Pope JP II } > } > Good luck!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is it okay to kiss another male?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you've finished kissing the previous one.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm kind of in a bind, here.  I can't find the Devil and I would really > like to sell my soul.  I'm having so much trouble making ends meet. > Oracle, do you pull similar deals?  I'll even throw in a set of knives > if you act now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You gotta be kidding.  What would I do with your soul?  Not to mention } the knives.  I have forty-three knife sets already, thanks to an } incarnation who is no longer with us. } } Fortunately, however, I'm close, personal friends with Satan.  Let's } see if I can get him on the phone. } } [Number deleted to protect Satan's privacy] } } "Hell, Myrna speaking." } } Hi there, Myrna, it's Orrie. } } "Orrie!  When are you coming down again?" } } Well, let's just say [whispering] Lisa's got me on a very short leash. } } "I understand.  Say no more." } } Anyway, is your boss around? } } "Yeah, the big guy's in his office.  Hold on a second." } } [Exactly 12 seconds of Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby"] } } "Orrie!  How the heaven are ya?" } } Fine, fine. } } "How's the question answering biz?  Got any more woodchuck-obsessed } fruitcakes for me?" } } Well, that's what I called you about.  I just got a question from } someone who says he's been trying to sell you his soul, but can't get } in touch with you. } } "It's not the guy who says he'll throw in the knives, is it?" } } Yeah, how'd you guess? } } "He's been harassing Myrna and leaving tons of messages on my voice } mail for weeks!  Usually, I'll jump at the chance to buy someone's } soul...but I keep trying to tell him, he doesn't have a soul for me to } buy!  I mean, maybe I'll give him five bucks for the knives, if it's a } good set, but he wants to sell the soul he doesn't have for power, } respect, and so on...and I'm not gonna give that to him for a set of } crappy knives!" } } Okay, I'll write back and tell him. } } "So, you wanna play golf on Sunday?" } } I don't know... } } "We can use woodchucks instead of balls." } } Ten-thirty good for you? } } "No problem.  See you then.  'Bye." } } 'Bye. } } [Click] } } There you have it.  It seems you don't have a soul, but you should let } Satan know if those knives are any good. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen fresh pineapples, Senator Dole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is in Spam and why are Marmot's so darned attracted to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Spam" is simply an acronym that describes the ingredients. } } S: Soy sauce } P: Potatoes } A: Artichokes } M: Marmot } } It's clear, therefore, that marmots are constantly searching for their } dead relatives in Spam. } } You owe the Oracle a good lawyer to defend him in the slander suit } Hormel is about to file.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> -- > A great injustice has been done... and I, Altrus, have paid the p > rice. The books that I have created lead to worlds so fantastic, > they could fill a lifetime. But something has gone terribly wrong > and my creations are being destroyed by someone's greed. I suspec

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: Lisa? } } LISA: I can't come look right now.  I'm almost through with the } ``Challenger Diagramless.'' } } ORACLE: It's those idiots at Gramercy Press again. Ever since they got } on the Net, they pull stuff like this. } } LISA: What now? } } ORACLE: It's a fragment from some sort of jacket blurb. } } LISA: What are you going to do about it? } } ORACLE: Well, I can't just zot them. } } LISA: It's that receptionist, isn't it? You've had your eye on her ever } since MCI started running those commercials. } } ORACLE: Uh, no, honey, it's not that at all. } } LISA: (stony silence) } } ORACLE: I just feel I've been ZOTting a little too readily lately. I } need to be a little more deliberate. } } LISA: Fine. You can deliberate all night if you want to. (SHE LEAVES) } } You owe the Oracle a sleeping bag.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle so mighty, tell me, > > what was before life, what will be after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the Beginning, there was no Life.  In fact, there was nothing. } } And the Oracle said, "Let there be Cheerios."   And lo, there were } Cheerios, and they were round and toasted.  And the Oracle looked } down upon what he had created, and lo, it was good. } } The next day came, and the Oracle thought, "Lo, the Cheerios are } good, but they are crunchy and dry."  So the Oracle said, "Let there } be milk."   And Milk poured from the heavens, and lo, it was good. } } On the third day, the Oracle looked down, and saw that something was } missing.  There were no young priests.  And the Oracle saw that to have } young priests, he must have sugar to fuel them.  So the Oracle said, } "Let there be Life."  And lo, there was Life, and it was sprinkled in } cinnamon and sugar, and it was good. } } And so, there were young priests, and the Oracle spake unto them, } saying "You live in the Garden of Cereal, and you may eat of any tree, } save one. You must not eat of the tree of Trix, lest ye die." } } And so the priests lived, in happy bliss.  Yet one day, a rabbit came } to them.  And the rabbit said unto them, "You should eat from the tree } of Trix."   But the priests replied, "Silly Rabbit!  Trix are not for } kid priests!  We shall not eat of the tree."   But the Rabbit } persisted, saying unto them, "That is what the Oracle would have you } believe.  But if you eat from the tree of Trix, you will actually } become one like the Oracle." } } And lo, the priests were tempted, and they ate of the tree of Trix. } And when the Oracle next came among them, lo, they did not grovel, but } stood before him brazenly.  And the Oracle saw their folly, and spake } unto them, "You have eaten of the tree of Trix, that which was } forbidden. And lo, you do not grovel.  Such shall be your fate."  And } lo, did the Oracle *ZOT* them. } } And such it remains to this day.  There is Life, and those who follow } the path laid before the Oracle are happy and fulfilled in their Life. } But those who follow the path of Trix must fear, lest they be *ZOT*ted. } } And in the future, there will be great cereals, and much bran, and then } one will come among you.  This is the Anti-Life, and will cause much } suffering and irregularity.  How shall ye know the Product?  Ye shall } know it by the Number of the Product, and lo, the Number of the Product } is 19. } } You owe the Oracle some Kroonchy Stars.