Goto:

752, 752-01, 752-02, 752-03, 752-04, 752-05, 752-06, 752-07, 752-08, 752-09, 752-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificant Oracle, I have a serious problem, which I hope you can > solve: > > Lately, my kids have been watching the Cartoon Network.  At first, I > thought it was a good thing.  I got to watch lots of old Bugs Bunny and > Road Runner cartoons, not to mention Daffy, Foghorn Leghorn, and Porky > Pig. > > But then they discovered Scooby Doo and the Jetsons.  They love them. > They tape the shows, then watch them all hours of the day.  Once I > stopped them, but then they refused to tape "Baywatch" for me, so I had > to give in. > > It roundn't be so bad except for the damn dogs, Scooby and Astro.  Ro > matter what I'm doing rhen they watch the show, I always hear the dogs. > Rit's starting ro affect my rind.  I rart growling, rowling, and > whining. Rately ri've been starting to rcratch and rick myself in > public. Ri'm afraid Ri'm turning rinto a rog.  Relp me Roracle. Rave re > rom rhis radness!!  Rease!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It would appear that you've been afflicted with a little-known } form of Hanna-Barbera Acquired Speech Dysfunction Syndrome.  The } treatment is harsh, but effective.  It requires that you burn all the } Scooby/Astro-infected videotape, and watch near-endless reruns of H. } Ross Perot's whole '92 presidential campaign, y'hear?  This will result } in..  Kin I finish?  Kin I finish?  This will result in.. in.. in.. } your speech dysfunction being almost totally reversed, right, and yer } speech will become almost normal, y'hear.  There are, I say, there are } few side effects to this <holds up colorful but meaningless chart> } six-month treatment.  <whacks chart with little pointer> Y'See?  Yew } owe th'Oracle enough money to launch a nearly-successful '96 } Presidential campaign.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Magnificent one,  I'm afraid that I am in a bit of a bind again, > and need a little bit of advice.  (A small miracle would not hurt > either if you can spare one.)  My questions are short, but fairly > important to my future. I know that being as magnanimous as you are, > that you will not hesitate to answer them. > >       Today a good friend came over to visit, and we had a mild > disagreement. Unfortunately things got somewhat out of hand.  Now she > lies dead on my floor. My questions are: > > 1)  What can I do with the body? > 2)  What is a good place to hide from the police and her family? > 3)  Will the two of us ever be friends again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, one word:  barbecue.  Any decent pork BBQ recipe should } work fine.  Be sure to cook it thoroughly, to kill any parasites } that may be present. } } Second, the best place to hide is right under their noses (a la } the purloined letter).  Invite the family over for a barbecue } dinner.  Save a place for your deceased friend, of course, and } feign surprise when she doesn't appear. } } Third, you will be even closer than friends; it will seem as though } she is actually part of you - "one flesh," as the Bible says. } } You owe the Oracle some cole slaw.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie?  I'd like to get together with you for > lunch some time next week.  What's your schedule? > When would be good for you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see here... } } Monday, July 3--9:00-Weekly meeting with Steve Kinzler to review }                      priests' performances. }                 11:30-Zotting priests. }                 12:30-Lunch with remaining priests. }                 3:00-Answer questions. }                 7:30-"Jeopardy!" }                 8:00-Answer questions. } Tuesday, July 4--7:45-Breakfast with Thomas Jefferson. }                  11:00-"The Price Is Right" }                  12:00-Fourth of July cookout for supplicants who }                        properly grovelled. }                  3:30-Free concert with Lisa }                  6:30-Dinner with Lisa }                  9:15-Fireworks with Lisa }                  11:30-More fireworks with Lisa (if you know what I }                        mean) } Wednesday, July 5--1:00-Lunch with president of Indiana University }                    3:30-Answer questions. }                    7:00-"Wheel of Fortune" }                    7:30-Answer questions. } Thursday, July 6--8:30-Answer questions. }                   1:00-"Face the Music" (rerun) }                   1:30-Answer questions. } Friday, July 7--8:30-Answer questions. }                 3:00-"Press Your Luck" (rerun) }                 3:30-Answer questions. } } As you can see, I'll be pretty busy next week, especially Wednesday, } Thursday, and Friday, since I'm taking the 4th off.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me if it will be possible, that human feelings sometimes could be > transmitted over the worldwide information superhighway. > > I thank you very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting concept.  Let us imagine some of the possibilities: } }    1. Psychologists replaced by debuggers who receive }       tortured feelings in the mail, patch them, and }       send them back. } }    2. Flames so potent that they literally incinerate }       the flamee.  Mass deaths reported among users }       of AOL and Prodigy. } }    3. Millions report harassment as lust is sent through }       the mail.  In a related story, Madonna goes online. } } And all of this is just the beginning...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O sagacious and sublime Lima Bean; > > In the case of a collision between two subatomic particles, after which > event the momentum of one is measured by one observer, and the > wavelength of the other by another observer; who would buy lunch? > Would shutting my eyes help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shutting your eyes is what caused this wreck in the first place! } You drive like you own the whole particle accelerator. } } You owe the Oracle lunch and an "I brake for neutrinos" bumper sticker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, please tell me why, when you buy a new computer, it's > obsolete in a month?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   This is a real-life example of the 'twins paradox'. Normally, a } computer has a certain expected lifetime of non-obsolescence at the } time of manufacture, set to be about five years (depending on what } accounting method you use). However, relativity rears its ugly head } when it is released into the real world. }   In your frame of reference, the computer is stationary, and you are } moving.  Since you are almost always physically traveling faster } than the computer, time moves slower for you than for it. So by the } time the computer has reached the end of its expected useful life } (according to its own clock), a much shorter time has passed in your } frame of reference. }   This effect is exaggerated by the 'clock speed' of the computer: the } Apple II at about 1 megahertz was viable for several years, while } the useful life of a 90 megahertz Pentium can be expected to be about } three weeks. }   The best way to counteract this is to stay at the same absolute } velocity as your computer. Stay in close proximity to your computer } at all times and don't make any forward progress. If you let yourself } get ahead of the computer it will never catch up and you will have } to replace it again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I meet that very special one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was, I think, Dedekind, who remarked "The Usenet Oracle created the } Natural numbers; all the rest is the work of Man" (they hadn't } invented PC then, you see). Since then, several mortals have defined } the natural numbers. } } I skip over 100 years of mathematical history, and present here just a } few possible constructions of one; I'm sure <brandishes ZOT gun } menacingly> that one of them will be "very special" to you. } } a. Peano numerals: }       S0 } } b. Church numerals: }       \f.\x.fx } } c. Von Neumann numerals: }       {{}} } } d. Zermelo numerals: this happens to coincide with b. for one. } } e. Conway numerals: }       {0|} } } f. ASCII numerals: }       49 } } g. EBCDIC numerals: }       241 } } Or you could just try counting. } } You owe the Oracle finite first-order categorical axiomatization of } the natural numbers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O insanely great Oracle, who doesn't need a plane to fly, who excels at > every Olympic event, who is in a league of your own, whose perspiration > I am unworthy of mopping up with my best tuxedo, please tell me: > > First I asked you a question to which you replied, "*ZOT!*"  So I > omitted the references to woodchucks, wood, and chucking, rephrased the > question, and resubmitted it. Again you replied, "*ZOT!*" > > So I removed the references to lemurs, bedposts, and frinking, > embellished the question with flattering Oracular references, and > submitted it yet again. Yet again you replied, "*ZOT!*" > > So I deleted the references to C programs, dirty GIF files, and Lisa's > bodacious bod, added a few more lines of groveling, and asked again. > Again you replied, "*ZOT!*" > > So I had the heads of the English departments of all the ivy league > universities check the spelling, grammar, and punctuation of my > message, asked Kurt Vonnegut to write a stately foreword that I could > include (royalty-free, of course), and sent my message yet again. And > again you replied, "*ZOT!*" > > So I hired several dozen psychics, astrologers, clairvoyants, > idiot-savants, and mind-readers to analyze my message, and several > dozen more mystics, witch doctors, voodoo priests, impressarios, gurus, > and medicine men to remove any bad karma, evil spirits, and bad luck, > and to bless my message with good karma, good luck, charm, and feng > shui, and resubmitted my message. Again you replied, "*ZOT!*" > > So I quit my job, divorced my wife, sold my worldly possessions, shaved > my head, donned a sack-cloth, and made a pilgrimage on my hands and > knees all the way from mountains of Nepal to the hallowed halls of > Indiana University. I waited patiently outside your door through all > sorts of inclement weather, held daily prayer vigils, and begged your > High Priests for the opportunity to speak with you. When you finally > came to the door you looked at me and replied, "*ZOT!*" > > Now I'm locked up in a padded cell in a lunatic asylum, completely out > of my mind, wearing one of those Hannibal Lechter hockey face masks, > and strapped into a straight jacket. I'm incapable of distinguishing > right from wrong, sane from insane, and "hello" from "*ZOT!*" so > anything you say to me now will be inconsequential. But I have just one > more question to ask you: > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fifty cords. } } You owe the Oracle your Prozac prescription.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   How long do marmots hibernate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm afraid that is hard question to answer.  It's up to each } individual marmot and his/her lifestyle.  There are some marmots that } are so hyper it's hard to get them to sit still for five minutes, much } less hit the sack for a long nap.  Other marmots I know, who shall go } nameless but they know who they are, easily can hibernate for months } and even years. One particular marmot I know went into hibernation } sometime in the early 70's (when disco was just coming out, and bell } bottoms and toe socks were the rage) and woke up in the early 90's } (during the disco revival, when bell bottoms and toe socks were the } retro rage), and he didn't even know any time had elapsed.  Stupid } animals, marmots. } } The statistical average period of hibernation has not been calculated, } because, quite frankly, it's such a useless piece of information nobody } has ever tried to calculate it. } } The Oracle has spoken, and is going back to bed for a long nap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get the girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in your dorm room.  It is 3 a.m.  Pizza boxes, beer cans, and } ethernet cable litter every horizontal surface.  Your roommate Phil } snores contentedly in his bed. } } > get girl } } You wish!  There is no girl here. } } > go out } } It's 3 a.m.  All the bars are already closed.  You have no hope of } scoring tonight. } } > get phone } } You have the phone. } } > dial 1-900-get-girl } } The phone rings. } } > look at Phil } } Phil is still asleep. } The phone rings again. } } A sultry female voice answers the phone.  "Hel-lo.  This is Trixie. } This call will cost you $5.95 per minute.  How can I help you tonight?" } } > panic } } You slam the receiver noisily.  Phil stirs in his bed, glowers at you } through half-open eyes, then goes back to sleep. } } > sigh } } *Sigh* } } > drink beer } } Fortunately, you still have an unopened six-pack.  You quickly consume } the beer, pass out, and wake up the next day with a hangover.  Your go } to your classes in a haze, work slack-jawed in the lab for a few hours, } then return to your dorm, fatigued, and pass out.  When you wake, it is } dark outside. } } You are in your dorm room.  It is 3 a.m.  Pizza boxes, beer cans, and } ethernet cable litter every horizontal surface.  Your roommate Phil } snores contentedly in his bed. } } > get girl } } "Oh, no," Phil roars.  "I'm not going to listen to you whine and } sigh and mope all night.  Shut up and go to sleep!" } } > go to sleep } } You are asleep. } } > dream } } What do you want to dream? } } > get girl } } The Swedish Bikini Team stumbles into your dream.  You cling to your } erotic dreams even as the dorm burns down around you. } } *** You have died *** } } Score: You got 0 girls out of all the ones on the planet. } Rank: Pathetic.  Go become a monk or something.