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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest, most musicologically correct Oracle, I kiss your Treble Clefs > and whuggle your staves in appreciation. > > Oh Orrie, can you please tell me, can you think of a song that has the > words 'I used to think that love was just a fairytale'  in it?    It's > on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't place it. > > Many thanks if you can be of assistance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact, it's one of my favorites! I'd be glad to pass it } on (especially since it's been a long time since I've had my staves } whuggled like THAT): } }   I used to think that love was just a fairytale }   I used to think that love was just a fairytale }   I used to think that love was just a fairytale }   And now I got dem fairytale blues }   [repeat 15 times] } } You owe the Oracle a harmonica.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who lives on high > And answers with true verity > Please please please please tell me why > Money does not grow on trees

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not the Lorax but I speak for the trees. } And centuries ago it all started with leaves. } "The sun," you complained, "is too hot and too bright, } and our only relief is the darkness of night. } In your infinite wisdom could you please find a way } to give us some shelter from the heat of the day." } So from each tiny branch a wonder did sprout, } but greed took its hold and you started to pout, } "The beasts of the field run too quickly for us. } Do you think you could make them a bit motionless?" } Soon there was fruit on each blossoming tree. } Their taste was delicious, but most of all, free. } "We've only just noticed during parts of the year } how cold the wind could blow around here. } The fruit is just great, and there's plenty around, } but it is a bit high; make us warm near the ground." } Soon there was fire, and huts, and then houses } and then naked women in clean cotton blouses. } and naked men in their ties, and babies still nude } had to pay for things instead of searching for food, } had to pay for things that used to be free } when young was the world, and naked the tree. } So down through the years it came and it went } but with each new strain you found discontent. } Now you glance at the sky and you dare to ask } why the trees won't grant you just one little task. } I will offer you this because silent they stand } and if you are wise you will keep it at hand, } "Because with everything given you just wanted more, } there are punishments worse than keeping you poor." } } You owe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nearly 30 years ago Mick Jagger sang: > "I try > And I try > And I try > And I try... > I can't get no satisfaction". > > Has his situation improved at all in the intervening years?  And what > was/is the problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem is that the gentleman in question is seriously deficient in } his use of proper grammar.  If he were to exclaim correctly "I can't } get any satisfaction," then the grace known only by those who use the } beautiful language of English in all its exquisite glory would descend } upon him.  But he did not and does not and so he remains unsatisfied. } } Beware yourself of misusing your native idiom:  double negatives, split } infinitives, and prepositions at the end of sentences.  You may find } yourself with the curse of the Vernacular. } } Thus speaks the Oracle! } } (PS  In case you were wondering, the curse consists of looking like Don } Knotts and prancing around in spandex in front of the entire world. } Words of Warning, indeed.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WISE ORACLE .. tell me, what is the best computer of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish supplicant, you should be more specific, } for it all depends on what you want it for. } } If you're into pumping iron, and want to bulk up,  I can recommend } the HERNIAC;  built in 1949 as the world's first portable computer, } it weighed several hundred pounds, and cost thousands of times as } much. } } If you're hungry, you need an Amiga, for it's lonely to eat alone. } (You thought I'd say an Apple? That's not very filling, is it?) } } If you're playing Go, Atari is a nice thing to say. } } If you're an actor, preparing for a role whose emotions range from } rage to despair, any computer at all will do, as long as it's } running Microsoft software. } } My old Osborne is the most energy-efficient computer I own, because } I haven't turned it on in years. } } Bio researchers like clones, psychos like Crays, poker players DEC, } vampires NEC, while electricians hate sparcs but love powerPCs. } } You owe the Oracle all of the above.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is so wise he even knows where Scott Adams is now, (And > I DON'T mean the guy who writes "Dilbert") please spare me the smallest > bit of your wisdom. > > I went to sleep last night thinking everything was fine. However, when > I woke up, it appeares that I am now outside of a small white house > with a boarded front door. The house is in a small clearing in the > middle of a forest. Oh, yeah. There's a small mailbox here too. What do > you think I should do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stuck and want some clues, eh? } Here's a walkthru to help you get started. } } Inventory } You're carrying:  An M-80, a Power Ranger action figure, a small squid, } and a picture of Pat Robertson. } } Look } You notice a kid busy picking his nose while burning ants with a } magnifying glass. } } Talk to kid } He ignores you. } } Hit kid } The authorities would file abuse charges. } } Show picture to kid } God wouldn't like that. } } Give squid to kid } What?  And waste a perfectly good squid? } } Give Power Ranger to kid. } The kid starts stomping ants with the action figure (ala Godzilla). } You notice he drops his magnifying glass. } } Pick up magnifying glass. } (5 points) } } Open mailbox } Done } } Put M-80 in mailbox. } (8 points) } } Put picture in mailbox. } (18 points) } } Put squid in mailbox. } The squid hangs on tightly to the mailbox, refusing to go in. } } Take squid } Done. } } Look } You see a mailbox.  Inside the mailbox is a picture of Pat Robertson, } and an M-80.  The mailbox is open.  The flag is down. } } Lift flag. } The red mailbox flag is now up. } (20 points) } } Use magnifying glass with M-80. } Sizzle.....(25 points) } } Close mailbox } (30 points) } } Run like hell } Hey, this is a family game! } } Run like heck. } (35 points) } You run like the wind, and brace yourself behind the nearest tree and } wait. The kid notices that the mailbox flag is up, and delighted with } the thought that his dad's Playboy is about due, rushes to check. } BOOM! } } Go to mailbox } There's no mailbox here. } } Look } You see part of the post a mailbox was on, and an awful red mess. } } Look at mess. } It's horribly grotesque.  You're amazed at how far kids can go these } days.  You see something sticking out of the dirt. } } Examine dirt. } You see a small crater, with a red flag sticking out. } } Get flag } The flag is stuck. } } Use squid with flag. } The squid handily removes the flag from the soil. } (42 points) } } Examine flag. } The flag is imbeded in what appears to be the remains of an action } figure of some sort or another. } } Look at house. } You are outside a small white house.  The door is boarded shut. } } Use flag on door. } The flag/action figure/squid makes an excellent prying tool.  In } 12 seconds flat the door is unboarded. } (50 points) } } Open door. } Done } (52 points) } } Enter house } You are now inside the small white house. } } Look. } You see a fridge, small bed, and an aquarium. } } Put squid in aquarium. } The squid is glad to be home.   Quite famished at this point, begins } eating the tropical fish.  He eyes the fridge with anticipation. } (60 points) } } Go back to bed. } (65 points) } } You have obtained a score of 65 points out of 100.  This gives you the } rank of snoozer. } You let your thoughts drift as sleep overtakes you... } You wake up.  You are outside of a small white house in a forest } clearing.  The front door is boarded shut.  Oh, there's a mailbox here } too. What should you do?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh humble, Oracle... > > Why are Braille keypads on drive-in ATM machines? Blind drivers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the invention of seeing eye dogs in 1982, } and the teaching of these dogs to drive in 1986, } the visually-impaired are now able to traverse the } highway as ably as any sighted person.  As long } as the dogs sits on its owner's lap, it allows the } visually-impaired owner to drive via a communication } system of barks and thumps. } } In the case of ATMs, it is like putting the carriage } before the horse.  As a visually-impaired Oracle } myself, I find it difficult to check my balance when } the screen isn't in Braille, only the keyboard.  I'm } also waiting for the US Treasury to be less prejudiced } towards the visually-impaired and start printing Braille } money.  I'm getting tired of dog slobber on my wallet, } and Laddie gets tired after 50 barks, so I never know if } I have more than 50 dollars at any time. } } You owe the Oracle a Braille yardstick.  I'm building } a new doghouse for Laddie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do black and white cows eat green grass and produce white milk ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Affirmative action.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1  O Bastion of Knowledge that thou art; hear, O Oracle, of mine >    lamentations and gnashings of teeth. > > 2  Now the Midwest was subtle, and did bite at mine heel. > > 3  And I ask you, O Oracle, wisest of All; How might a man go unto the >    Great Golden West, and how might he profiteth his soul? For I am >    sorely wounded as to the place I am, and desire to dwell in that >    further land; > > 4  And thus spake I, and making supplication, I fell unto my face and >    did lament, trembling before the Oracle and the Word.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5 And the wind grew still, upon his hearing my weakening } cries. And he brought me near the waters, whence I gained } two hours. } } 6 There came to me a vision as if in a dream of a vast land } where the sun's rays did fall off the roaming vehicles and } it did also shine upon the beasts of the field where the } smog covereth not the sky. } } 7 Then he touched me with his power and mine eyes were } opened up to the blessed meaning. Oh, oracle, your perfect } wisdom. } } 8 Here could cattle of many different breeds be raised and } cheese of great variety be produced to rival those even of } Wisconsin. } } 9 Thusly could I smite the Midwest for its treachery } against my heart. } } 10 And waking upon the ground, I adjusted my nose for } having fallen on my face.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that if all things have some gravity of their own, my fat > little dog Chester has no tiny little planets and asteroids and > satellites and comets sailing around him in some strange cosmic > symphony?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fact he does, they're just too small for you to see.  There are } dust mites, dust motes, fleas, ticks, and specks of dog biscuit powder } whirling around him constantly, in a strange cosmic symphony.  In } fact, the symphony is being conducted by Leonard Burns-Sting, the } famous dust mite conductor and composer.  You should feel honored. } } You owe the Oracle a season pass to the London Philharmonic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, I'm kinda nervous cuz this is the first time I've actually > written to a famous Oracle so I hope you'll excuse me if I mistype > a few words. > > My boss, Mr. Johnson, who's a really, REALLY nice guy and kind of > hunk has just asked me out for a drink tonight.  And you know I'm > really flattered cuz I'm not the brightest bulb on the planet, but > I'm also just a little bit, well, concerned I guess is a good word > because he's married.  But he tells me that his wife doesn't > understand him and like, I'm sure, cuz what he does here at our > company is SO important and her Bitchiness is calling him all day > long to tell him to pick up the kids from soccor or whining about > when is going to come home and all.  Normally I wouldn't go out > with a married man at all, but Mr. Johnson says that he's practically > seperated and everyone knows that's just a step away from getting > a divorce.  So my question is:  Should I wear my red strapless > or the black tubedress with the CFM pumps? > > Oh, and could I get your autograph?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very important occasion for you, as it will greatly increase } your understanding of Mr. Johnson's novel ways of thinking.  This, } in turn, will enhance your professional reputation immeasurably. } You are right, therefore, to take great care regarding how you } present yourself. } } The key to success here is to take into account Mr. Johnson's personal } tastes and special interests.  I can give you a few hints in this area, } but you're probably going to have to do a little shopping. } } You should wear a modestly cut knee-length dress, not those ones } you were thinking of.  It should definitely be a button-down dress, } with lots of buttons.  No zippers.  I'd suggest a dark color, with } matching open-toed shoes with 4-inch heels.  Under it, a sheer red } lace camisole, and a push-up bra which fastens in front.  (The front } fastener is very important.) } } Also, you'll want a pair of fishnet stockings.  It would be best if } they matched the dress and shoes in color, but if you can't manage } that white will do.  Don't hold them up with a garter belt, though. } Use a ring of duct tape at the top of each one, instead. } } This next part is a bit embarrasing for me, but you need to know, } so here goes.  At that little shop in the mall, get a shiny black } vinyl G-string, and a pair of edible underpants (cherry flavor). } Wear the G-string under the panties (all under your dress, of course). } You'll also need a few accessories, so ask the shopkeeper for a } box of ribbed American Wonders, and a bottle of cinnamon body oil. } Don't worry about what to do with them.  Mr. Johnson will be happy } to explain that to you. } } This ensemble will be sure to make a good impression.  Rest assured, } your professional career is about to take a giant step forward. } } Since you're concerned about Mr. Johnson's marital status, I can } reassure you on that point, too.  There's a photographer at your } local newspaper named Roger Murphy.  Give him a call, and tell him } I said to start Operation Gary Hart.  He'll make quite sure that Mr. } Johnson truly is practically separated. } } I'm afraid I can't send my autograph by e-mail.  But come on over for } a drink and I can give it to you in person.  How does tomorrow sound?