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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle, cute and short, how can I unsubscribe from a.s.d?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cute & short?  I'm sorry, that's not much of a compliment.  However, } since you are obviously suffering from diode addiction, I'm willing to } cut you some slack just this once. } } Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the supplicant we see here is so } pathetically addicted that he can't even bring himself unsubscribe from } his favorite newsgroup, alt.sex.diodes.  By this point, many of you are } wondering what sexual attraction diodes could possibly have.  Well, all } I have to say is, you've never been an electronics technician deprived } of any social contact with women (unless you count having the checker } at 7-11 ring up your order and give you your change).  Under these } circumstances, even the most unlikely objects can become fetishistic } manifestations of lust.  Diodes in particular are very popular, due to } their portability and low cost.  Also, while being used, they provide } an element of safety by not allowing electrical current to flow in the } wrong direction. } } By this time, surely your heart has gone out to this poor supplicant } and all the others afflicted with diode addiction.  "But what can *I* } do to help?" you ask.  The best cure is simple:  feminine compaionship. } If you are a companionable female who would be interested in helping } out diode-addicts, or you know one, please send email to the Diodes } Anonymous help line at help@da.org. } } [This Oracularity was a Public Service Announcement from the Senator } Exon Committee to Get Rid of Unusual Things]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who could take on the entire Justice League of America and > the Scooby-Doo gang combined and still win.... > > Superman had no side-kick. Batman did. Spiderman had no side-kick. > The Lone Ranger did. Is a super-hero really "super" if he needs a > side-kick to hang around with him?  Also I can't think of one female > who had a side-kick. Or for that matter one side-kick that was female. > What have I stumbled upon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have stumbled upon two truths: } } (1) Superheroes with side-kicks are those with more-or-less } normal movement abilities.  Superman flies, Spiderman swings from web } lines, the Silver Surfer does his thing - all of these methods of } travel are not conducive to teamwork.  Batman drives a car and runs } around like most folk, the Lone Ranger rides a horse and runs around } like most folk, Aquaman swims and runs around like most folk - these } methods of travel are conducive to teamwork. } } (2) The "teamwork" mentioned above is a team of two.  Superheroes } with side-kicks, or the side-kicks, are male because two person } teamwork is a very male institution.  The female equivalent would be a } small crowd of heroines, who run into the restroom to have their } important discussions read about their adventures. } } You owe the Oracle a Lasso of Truth.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, the best Doggy Doo that can be, I'd like to know: > > Where did X-Files come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING, OFFICE 2011> } } <Agent Mulder is at his desk, working on the computer which *might* be } a Mac or IBM. Not sure which.> } } Scully : Mulder? } Mulder : Scully! } Scully : Mulder? } Mulder : Scully! } Scully : Uh, okay, it's a one hour show, so let's cut this }   "Mulder? Scully!" stuff, okay? } Mulder : I'm sorry, Scully. It's just that Samantha's gone, you know, }   and.... } Scully : Yeah yeah. You called me at 11:21 last night. What's }   up? Not those green aliens with banana-shaped laser guns again? } Mulder : My.... informant has informed me of a strange sighting of a }   strange creature in a strange forest north-east of Carolina last }   night. } Scully : Oh? Must be a magnetic force field generated by cosmic }   micro-waves refracted from the nitrogenated atmosphere of Venus }   during.... } Mulder : It's an alien, okay? } Scully : <sigh!> } Mulder : Anyway, the locals call it the "Youssnette Orakle". } Scully : You did what? } Mulder : What? } Scully : Never mind. } Smoking man : Your time is over. And you leave with nothing. } Scully <pointing at SM> : Where did he come from? } Mulder : Oh never mind him. Although the smoke is a bit annoying. } Scully : Anyway, what were you saying about this Yousnette Orakle? } Mulder : I said it's an alien. It's all powerful, it knows the }   meaning of life, the universe and everything! } Scully : So do I. It's 42. } Mulder : No, no, you don't understand. It even knows where The }   X-Files came from! } Scully : Judging from the weirdness of this show, I wonder }   that sometimes. So what's the answer? } Mulder : They're lying! } Scully <confused> : What? Who's lying? } Mulder : It's a cover-up. I know it. The FBI. CIA. LAPD. IBM. }   Microsoft. They're all in on it. } Scully : In on *what*? A weird science fiction show on Fox? } Mulder : Did you see that???!!! } Scully : What now?! } Mulder : A UFO flew past your face, did a loop-the-loop, and }   crash landed on my Playboy magazines! } Scully : Oh dear.... that's too bad, Mulder. } Mulder : Now some little green men are running into my packet }   of sunflower seeds! } Scully : Oh.... I think I need to lie down for a while.... } Mulder : Anyhoo. This Yousnette Orakle character. We've got to find him. } Scully <confused> : But why? Can't you investigate bank fraud }   and hacking crimes like other FBI agents? } Mulder : Yes. But then this would become LA Law, not The X-Files. } Scully : Hmmm, maybe I should work on Melrose Place. Or even seaQuest. } Mulder : That talking dolphin is part of Purity Control, Schull. }   We've gotto find it! } Scully : Here we go.... } } You owe the Oracle another question. I'd love to tell you } about Earth 2....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Dr. Supplicant, } } Our panel has discussed your doctoral thesis on the existence of } life and the meaning of it all for quite some time, and although } the board stood generally divided, an end vote in your favor allows } us to announce you as a true, offical doctor of philosophy.  You } have our congradulations. }                                       --Dr. Joseph Plank } } You owe the Oracle one copy of your real thesis.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who knows the orbit of every moon around every planet > around every star in every galaxy, please satisfy my curiosity... > > When will we humans achieve space travel (beyond our solar system), and > under what circumstances will it occur?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O feeble human, you cannot hurl crap at the sky and call it } a space program.  And all the dung on earth could not release } you and yours from the Milky Way -- we've made sure of that. } } Sure, your little "orbiteer" projects are cute -- all bright } and shiny like an infant's first toy -- but they hold little } hope for the day when you must abandon your planet. Suddenly. } Without warning. } } The Americans are most amusing.  They search the land for one } man with special incompetence. Then they elect him to be } Vice-President, place NASA in a brown paper bag on his doorstep, } set NASA on fire, ring the doorbell and run away. Then they } laugh hysterically as Mr. Vice-President makes a mess trying } to extinguish the flames with vaseline-covered lips and a puddle } of drool. The Russians?  They drown their solar sorrows in vodka } while waiting for translated reruns of "Gilligan's Island". } A pathetic lot. } } No, the deities agree that the South American Peccary, the } Poison-arrow Dart Frog and the Atlantic Whelk all have a better } chance of leaving the solar system (alive) than the bipedal } hominids known as Homo sapiens. } } Unfortunately for you, your best chance for solar system } exploration was a brilliant woman named Dr. Seripha Pravinzia } of Naples, Italy.  She would have discovered a method for } recycling oxygen -- using a blow dryer, a SPAM key, and an } unstable uranium isotope -- had her entire Pompeiian ancestral } line not been wiped out by Mount Vesuvius in 79 A.D. Bloody shame. } } Do not fret. Though the powers who control your destiny do not } want you to leave  the solar system (alive), know that we will } never forget your species contributions in the area of rude } noises and randy expletives. } } The Oracle, incarnated as Jasper Sailfin, asks that you not call } after 10:00PM on weeknights, or refer to him as "that Welsh Tart", } as payment for his wisdom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle of greatness, I know you were an English Lit major in > college (since you _still_ don't have a useful job), so tell me the > answer to the one question that's been pestering me, and I will do > anything you ask.  Here it is: > > Why *does* the caged bird sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because his birdie dish is full of hemp seed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and groovy Oracle, please hear my lament... > > Tis the night before blocks and all through the house > No electronics are stirring, not even my mouse. > The Biochem test that's scheduled tomorrow > Has filled up my evening with tension and sorrow. > > I've no time for AFU, alt.sex, or flamers, > No time for woodchucks, or AOL LaMeRZ. > Just Henderson-Hasselbach! Watson and Crick! > Enzyme Kinetics! No rec.humor schtick. > > I can't check out the Web due to DNA-ligase, > Can't read MAKE MONEY FAST!!! to see how much it pays. > I'm stuck with the books and there's no end in sight. > So tell me O Oracle, what did I miss tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, } } My Oracular heart goes out to thee, } No USENET, no MUDs, no IRCs for you, } Stuck home studying biochemistry. } For a breather here's a brief review: } } On alt dot sex dot binaries dot pics: } Hugh Grant whoring in his luxury car. } You're so jaded that it didn't make you sick? } Have some naughty pictures of Rosanne Barr. } } On the hacking newsgroups there is a feud } Between AOL and Netcom dot com, } Forged posts and email slow the net like glue, } Pull the plugs sysops, to your senses come! } } The communications deceny act has } Anarchists and pornographers together } Forming civil groups with roots of grass } With a cry of:  "Watch out for big brother!" } } Perhaps dear student, I suggest with a smile } Instead of the net try real life for a while. } } To the Oracle you owe only one thing that matters: } Bill Gates' head, chocolate-dipped on a platter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why i can't e-mail my brother

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this truly should be in the Oracle's Frequently Unanswered } Questions (you spell it out) so _I_, THE Oracle, shall now finally } answer it. } } Anyone who has a LISOWIF (Live In Significant Other Who Is Female) has } been exposed to the first critical step in e-mailing your brother. } } Ever notice what your LISOWIF says when she puts on a fancy new dress? } She turns around, exposing her bare back, and says "Can you zip me up } please?" } } Therefore, the first step to e-mailing your brother is to have him put } on a nice evening dress. } } From there, you must run your e-mail package. (We'll assume it's a } Windows system) } } Have your brother climb through your bedroom window (preferably in his } newly zipped dress). } } So now you have a zipped brother in windows.  You now need to pull up } your e-mail application.   Double-click on the appropriate icon. } } Now he needs to be loaded.  If you work rapidly, a six-pack of Coors } Artic Ice ought to do it. } } So now you are running your e-mail program with your zipped brother } loaded in windows. } } At this point the e-mail software should automatically form all } "attachments" for your brother (the computer should preferably } be sexually attracted to your brother to wish to get "attached". } If that brother-to-computer attraction isn't there, then } you may need to UUENCODE him yourself to include him in your mail, } but that's beyond the scope of this response, as I've never UUENCODED } a brother before). } } Now, to send him your software should say "Enter adress" which you have } already had your brother do (see, we're way ahead of the program } here...) } } then just press the "send" button. } } Voila!  Not so bad, was it? } } Unfortunately, unzipping your brother, removing him from windows and } opening him up into Word will require a second request. } } You owe the oracle two Star Trek transporters, and 25 push-ups.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear and dearest Oracle, > > Once I was a supplicant, dumb and happy. > I frolicked in the fields with the woodchucks, and my mind was as > empty as the meaning of my life; but my heart was full of bliss. > > Then I became an Incarnation, and my life changed. > I was expected to spell correctly and say funny things. > The responsibility that devolved upon me as your earthly > representative was heavy indeed, but I bore up and struggled on. > > Hard as it was to be an Incarnation, it was harder still to deal > with having only my mediocre answers chosen for the Digest, and all > my best ones rejected. > > When I became a Priest, I seized my chance to show the other > Priests how things *should* be done -- I rejected all the bad ones > and chose the best, and soon my Average was 4.82! > > Then I got an email from Kinzler saying that some guy in Nebraska > laughed so hard he fell off his chair and bruised his butt and was > suing. > > Darkmage wrote and whinged that I was making him look bad, and would > I please stop selecting so well. Gabungmeister was less polite, and > I had to put asbestos paper in the printer in order to get a hard > copy of csf7's letter. Another Priest warned me to just say Noe, and > Harold the Foot told me he'd give me the boot if I didn't stop. > > I bowed to peer pressure, and ever since I have been conscientiously > rejecting the best, and passing on only the average ones. > > Oracle, great Oracle whose imperatives are categorical, > I feel guilty. What can you say to ease my conscience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have talent; now you must learn diplomacy, which is the art of } making someone follow you and think he's leading.  You have the } genius to rule the priesthood; but you must look within yourself for } the courage.  A leader must stay ahead of his followers, yet remain } always within sight.  So continue to reject the best, but occasionally } let one through, and select not the average but the just-a-little-bit- } above-average.  If you negotiate and compromise instead of either } fighting or knuckling under, little by little you can raise their } standards, and in the end accomplish far more than you could by } radically opposing them.  Keep this strategy in mind each time you } have to choose the mediocre over the excellent, keep your eyes on the } prize as you betray every principle you believe in, and you'll have } a clear conscience when you face your firing squad. } } You owe the Oracle the autographs of Jan Hus, John Brown, Leon Trotsky, } and Abolhassan Banisadr.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is a Squid eating dough in a polyurathene bag really bulbous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Alas, the last squid-eating dough (calamarichompis quickrisen) }      was spotted off the coast of Madagasgar in late 1989, and the }      species may have gone the way of the Do-Do, the Passenger Pigeon, }      and the Qualified Candidate for President of the United States. }      There have been previous periods in which no sightings were made }      (e.g.,1963-1966), presumably because the tremendously overbaked c. }      quickrisen schools retreated to less accessable environments. So }      some hopes are still held out for a reappearance. Stranger things }      have happened... just look at Nixon. } }         In any case, the most recent population collapse is presumed to }      be a direct result of the introduction of drycleaning }      establishments in third, fourth, and fifth world countries, and }      the concomitant increase in twist-ties, fictitious "NO STARCH" }      tags, and polyurethene bags in the offal of these establishments. }      Thousands of c. quickrisen corpses washed ashore all along the }      eastern coast of Africa, trapped inside discarded drycleaning bags }      ironically emblazoned with the words "WARNING: suffocation }      hazard", throughout the mid-1980's. } }          Although hundreds of researchers flocked to the region, }      gathering data and proposing solutions (e.g., reading classes so }      the c. quickrisen would realize the bags were dangerous), none }      recorded information on bulbousity. However, I -- being }      all-knowing and what-not, know the answer. } }         And I will gladly provide it to you for a proper grovel and a }      hovercraft full of eels. } }         You also owe the Oracle a little more respect.