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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Mighty and Magnificent Oracle whose genitalia make the Empire >      State building look positively miniscule. Please tell me thy >      humble Supplicant. > >      Is it really what you do with it that counts and not the size? > >      Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely.  The Empire State Building, while certainly no longer } anywhere near the largest building in the world, is still visited } by millions yearly. } } You owe the Oracle a condom the size of the Hindenburg.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you please, please, please answer my question O large One : > > Is it true that there are arctic bears walking in the streets of Norway > eating a tourist every now and then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, indeed, indeed I shall answer your question. } } Having toured various Norwegian localities such as Narvik, Hammerfest, } Alta, Tromso, Skibotn and Skimuchundraidengland I can attest that there } is no problem with Polar bears eating large amounts of tourists. } } Firstly, they are quite finnicky eaters and will only pick at tourists. } The large amount of cholestorol contained in most foreign burger } eating tourists tends to give them upset stomaches if they eat } take-away more than once a week.  They much prefer the healthy, lean } locals.  Even then, they usually will stop eating when disturbed (they } are very self concious). } } Second, Polar bears are not known for binge eating and other eating } disorders. Allthough there have been a few known cases of Polar bears } subsisting entirely on tourists, they are very much in the minority and } are the subject to various self-help groups where they are encouraged } to talk openly about their eating habits.  On the whole, most polar } bears prefer seal or walrus. } } Finally, Polar bears generally only come to town on week-nights, when } there are fewer tourists.  They particularly dislike talking to } strangers who don't punctuate their vowels correctly (such as v and d). } They also dislike the strong purchasing power most tourists have, as } it's driven up the price of pickled herring fillets to the extent } that they have to catch and prepare their own.  That's why you never } see Polar bears in Nord Kapp on a Saturday night. } } You owe the Oracle a tarry longship and a tankard of mead.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i get into the World Web Web using Pipeline.  I can't find the > way. I have an address but I can't figure out where to put it. thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is unfortunate that you have to access the Internet using an oil } pipeline, but hey, that's the price you pay for living in Alaska.  Here } is the entire procedure: } }   1)  Take a normal business-sized envelope. } }   2)  Write the URL you would like to view on a piece of paper; place }       this paper inside the envelope and seal the envelope. } }   3)  Write the address you have on the front of the envelope. } }   4)  Affix the proper postage to the envelope.  (The Post Office will }       not deliver without proper postage.)  Normally, the cost is 32 }       cents. However, for a small extra fee you can have your letter }       delivered certified and return receipt requested.  (Though the }       fee is small, it's not really worth it unless your need to access }       this URL is exceptionally critical.) } }   5)  Take you letter to the nearest open end of the Alaskan Pipeline }       and put it in. } }   6)  Soon, a helpful Postal Worker (re-hired after being "let go" from }       Exxon following the Exxon Valdeze debacle) will remove your }       letter and place it on its way. } }   7)  Within 5 to 10 business days, you will receive a hard-copy }       printout of the page whose URL you requested.  You will receive }       an addendum sheet listing the URL's of any links appearing on }       this page.  You may request to view one or more of these links by }       repeating this procedure. (Please, only one URL per envelope.) } } I hope you enjoy your experience with "WWW by Mail".  There is no } charge for this service, but you owe the Oracle a 300 baud PPP link.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle, how's it going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It keeps going, and going, and going..... } }      \\ }       @ _ }      /%(_) }    *&&&D } } You owe the Oracle a package of Energizer batteries, } and an appreciation of miniature ASCII art.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, strong, powerful, wise, and immortal, whose existnace > trancends all time and space, whose knowledge permeates all, answer > me this: > > Scientists have discovered what the universe was like in the first > few moments of time.  Prey tell me, what was it like BEFORE the > universe began?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before that, there was the Iverse.  Some mad bomber guy named God } gave everybody 10 minutes to leave and exploded it.  Before anybody } could complain, he told them that he was in charge, and that what } was left (the Un-iverse) was better, and that anybody who didn't } like it could go to Hell.  A lot did.  I couldn't tell you exactly } what the Iverse was like and how much nicer it was than the Universe, } because I'd have a lot of explaining to do to -- oh, excuse me, the } phone is ringing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [sniff] ...err 'scuse me y' Lordship sir, yor 'ighness. Pardon me > fer takin' the liberty to bover you, like, at this hour, your > Worshipfullness. But 'see it's about my master, Lord William of > Redmond (p'raps you know him as "God" - leastways, that 'ow 'e likes > to be called). Any'ow, 'ees bin actin' right queer-like lately.Orf > 'is bloomin' rocker if you ask me - ...err not that *you* would > ask *me* or anythin, yor supremeness, sir [tugs forelock]. 'E seems > to be obsessed wiv some kind of bloomin' insect.  U'm tellin' ya - > that butlers pantry is as spotless as the day it was carved out of > the solid bedrock by college graduates wiv toofpicks. And 'is temper! > U'm gettin sick of bringin' 'im the 'ed of some poor sod on a plate - > who d'ya think 'as to get the blood out of the carpet? > > Any'ow, yor judgeship, sir [tugs forelock], yor Worship. I 'ave this > offer to buttle for the Earl of Gerstener. 'E says I'll 'av shorter > hours by doing more jobs at the same time. But 'ow can I leave Lord > Bill in such a terrible predicament, and 'im so young an' all? > > ..err, sorry 'bout the bloodstains y'Lordship sir. I'll wipe 'em wiv > me 'ankie... [retreats crouching, tugging forelock]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not sure that he quite understands your dilemma.  After } all, there must be: } }     50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR BUTLER } } 1.   Bash him in the head, Fred. } 2.   Drown him in spam, Sam. } 3.   Nuke his nuts, Klutz. } 4.   Drown him in grapefruit juice, Bruce. } 5.   Electrocute his CD-ROM, Tom. } 6.   Incite an angry mob, Bob. } 7.   Garrote his pelvis, Elvis. } 8.   Make your day, Ray. } 9.   Tickle him silly, Billy. } 10.  Defenestrate his sister, Mister. } 11.  Zot him in the tool shed, Ed. } 12.  Plastique should do the trick, Dick. } 13.  Phasers set on "Destroy", Leroy. } 14.  Lose him in a cave, Dave. } 15.  Ben-Gay in his jock, Rock. } 16.  Hand him the radio when he's wet, Brett. } 17.  A chainsaw would come in handy, Randy. } 18.  Make him to listen to 17 straight hours of Marie and Donny, Ronny. } 19.  Target practice for the bomb, John. } 20.  Ear muffs with an ice pick, Rick. } 21.  Do-it-yourself Hari-Kari, Larry. } 22.  A copper umbrella in a thunderstorm, Norm. } 23.  Harpoon him in the booty, Rudy. } 24.  Force him to eat anchovies or starve, Harve. } 25.  Introduce his heart to a stake, Jake. } 26.  Tie his tongue to a motor boat in the bay, Jay. } 27.  Strychnine in oysters on the half shell, Del. } 28.  Drop a 16-ton weight on his toe, Joe. } 29.  Back up his post-nasal drip, Chip. } 30.  Chop off his hand, Stan. } 31.  Ambush him in the park, Mark. } 32.  Grow pirrhanas as a hobby, Robbie. } 33.  Turn him into a stiff, Cliff. } 34.  Tin cans have a sharp rim, Tim. } 35.  Castrate him like I did, Sid. } 36.  A curse from an angry witch, Mitch. } 37.  Arsenic comes in pill, Will. } 38.  Have him show a rabid iguana who's boss, Ross. } 39.  Jam his fingers in La Machine, Gene. } 40.  Boil his parakeet in a stew, Lou. } 41.  Hand him a box of killer bees and leave, Steve. } 42.  Lock a wildebeast with him in the garage, Rog. } 43.  Aim a bazooka at his leg, Greg. } 44.  Push him in a gorge, George. } 45.  Give him a lot of guilt, Milt. } 46.  Muriatic acid in his fermented barley, Charlie. } 47.  Tabasco sauce in his shirt, Bert. } 48.  Put him in a baggie til he turns blue, Hugh. } 49.  A noose from a limb, Jim. } 50.  Just get yourself free, Lee. } } Let the Oracle know how it turns out, ok?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gentle oracle, here I am down on my knees humbly > begging for a few drops of your immense wisdom. please tell me why is > the O. J. Simpson trial taking so long? I can't stand it any more.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant, the Oracle couldn't take any more of it several } months ago, so unfortunately the Oracle has no idea of why it is } still going on.  Let's just tune in ... } } Defense lawyer:  So sir, you would say that the absence of the 1.2 }                  allele marker on this radiograph marked 30312(c) is }                  not necessarily definitively inconclusive as to }                  the presence or absence of the defendant's alleged }                  DNA in this prosecution sample marked 218-B?  Your }                  own laboratory notes would suggest otherwise, sir! } } Witness:         Ah ... could you rephrase that more clearly? } } Defense lawyer:  Move that the witness's answer be ruled unresponsive. } } Judge Ito:       Objections, counsel for the prosecution? } } Prosecution:     Your honor, there is clear precedent under British }                  common law.  In Blackstone's commentaries, in 1523 }                  it was held that the mere act of responding "Duh" }                  in court was not necessarily prima facie evidence }                  of hostility on the witness's part.  Indeed, we can }                  introduce several hundred pages of evidence to }                  support this position, if Your Honor will grant }                  a short recess of three days for preparation ... } } Hmm, everything seems to be proceeding apace.  No, I can't quite } understand why things are taking so long. } } You owe the oracle a copy of "Blackstone's Big Book of Obfuscation."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and powerful oracle, whose medical knowledge outshines any > mortal man, whose knowledge pales even the great Osler, and whose > consultation fees are ever so reasonable : please, take pity upon the > puny mortal who lies before your feet, and answer the following > question: > > My patient is a 30 y/o cauccasian female, presenting with a complaint > of galactorrhea.  PMHx indicates Tx for schizoaffective disorder, using > Risperidal 5mg BID, which handles all positive and negative symptoms. > Schizoaffective disorder is disabling, making withdrawl of Risperdal > impractical.  Physical exam confirms galactorrhea.  SMAC indicates > elevated prolactin levels. > > Should I perform a CT to R/O pituitary adenoma?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, tricky. } } The first diagnosis must be a throughough analysis of formalised } actuarial, statistical minimalisation and fiscal arrangements. } Has the potential patient been exhibiting behavious such as the } regular disbursement of fiscal entitlements to ameliorative bodies? } If not, you may find that an emergency removal of assetts may result } in affluence deprivation on the part of the practitioner due to the } mis-diagnosis of the patient's fiscal status. } } Secondly, you must assess the litigative state of the potential } plaintiff and any genetically interdependant estate.  Failure to do } this can result in severe social trauma and potential status failure, } not to mention the possiblility of practitioner incareration and the } extraction of large lump-sums.  Patient inactivation is preferable to } incapacitation as many studies have shown a strong corelation between } patient litigation and biological activity status. } } Only then should you consider the CT to R/O pituitary adenoma. } } You owe the Oracle a housecall and a BMW.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderful Oracle, whose personal menagerie far outshines that > held by that weirdo Michael Jackson, please tell me: > > It is said that a kangaroo can not move its hind legs independently of > each other except of course for the Tree Kangaroo.  Is this limitation > physical, neurological or is it due to a lack of mental processing > capability?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Biblical times, the kangaroo was renowed for its knitting. } Unfortunately, the balls of yarn, needles, etc. would fall out of their } otherwise excellent pouches, due to their side-to-side motion as they } walked.  The King Kangaroo prayed to on high, saying "Oh Lord, can you } not save us from our plight, you who sent St. Patrick to lead the } snakes from Ireland?"  The Lord was touched by the kangaroo's simple } request, and sent one of his saints to lay hands upon the kangaroos. } With this miracle, all the kangaroos began to move about in a way that } kept their pouches from tipping side-to-side.  This act of God allowed } the kangaroo to move only by hopping with both legs simultaneously. } } While kangaroos gradually lost the ability to knit, you still hear, to } this very day, about St. Peter and the Purl-y Gait. } } You owe the Oracle a good use for the rotten vegetables being thrown } towards cs.indiana.edu right now...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O!  All-Wise and Omnibenevolent Oracle! > > I understand You are divine, and God is divine, > and there are other divine and semi-diving entities. > Please give me a chart of the hierarchies of divine beings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             Me } }                              | }                              | } }                             You