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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail great Oracle!  May the Oracle reign supreme in the new world order > as he turns water into wine, UseNet posts into wisdom and email flames > into poetry. Please look down upon this most humble supplicant, oh > exhalted Oracle, and answer this question: > > I have this really good idea for a chain of Woodchuck Burger > restaurants and Occularity Malls.  The question is, I was wondering > just how I should go about with regard to things like PR and > advertising? > > P.S.  One of the features of our 'chuck burgers is that they are flame > grilled.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a brilliant idea! I'm glad I inspired you to think of it! } } Just imagine... } } The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply. } Your order was: } } > Hi. I'd like a Double Woodchuck Burger and a medium french fry. } } And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee: } } } ZOT! } } You forgot the grovel! } } The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply. } Your order was: } } > Oh, mighty McWoodchuck King employee, whose nametag is so very } > straightly attached to his shirt, please fulfil this humble order: } > } > I would like a Double Woodchuck Burger and a medium french fry. } } And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee: } } } Argh! You're the fifth person in a row to order that combination! } } Can't you show a little bit of creativity??? } } ZOT! } } The McWoodchuck King employee has pondered your order deeply. } Your order was: } } > Great and powerful McWoodchuck King employee, for whom the soda } > fountain always dispenses precisely the right quantity of beverage, } > your humble supplicant makes this request: } > } > Please give me a two-headed squirrel burger, a medium chocolate } > shake, and a side order of onion rings. } } And in response, thus spake the McWoodchuck King employee: } } } Is that for here or to go?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Usenet Oracle, who alone knows the mind of a woman, and > usually her body as well, I beg thee settle an acrimonious dispute I > have with my colleague. He thinks our secretary is in her early > thirties, whereas I think she is getting on for forty. Which of us (if > either) is right? As you know, a fair sum of money now rides on the > outcome.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to call off the bet } this time.  You're both equally right.  Today is her 35th } birthday. } } You owe your secretary a bunch of flowers and a free lunch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am standing in a room with four doors, a coil of rope, three broken > bottles, a knife and a sword.  I am carrying a pamphlet and a wooden > box.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Look up } }   You look at Up who is standing beside you.  He smiles and waves, }   happy to get the attention. } } > Put bottles in box. } }   Nice of you to clean up after yourself. } } > Pick up sword } }   Sword blinks her lashes seductively, and caresses you.  She }   obviously likes being picked up. } } > Take knife } }   You are now holding the knife. }   A small mouse enters the room, and starts gnawing on Up's toe. } } > Hit Up with knife. } }   Up is now lying dead on the floor. } } > Look up. } }   You look down to see the mangled body of Up lying on the floor. } } > Eat up. } }   Points: 5/25  Very good.  You realize that up is indeed made of }   cheese.  You scare the mouse away and tuck in. } }   You are no longer hungry, but your mouth is covered in Up. } } > North } }   You are too dirty to move. } } > Move. } }   You don't want to embarrass yourself by showing your dirty face in }   public. } } > Exit room } }   You catch a glimpse of yourself on your knife and are paralyzed with }   fear. You have a cheese moustache. } } > Rub face on sleeve. } }   What kind of a barbarian are you? } } > Rub face on pamphlet. } }   Your face is now clean.  The pamphlet was destroyed in the attempt. } } > Put sword in box. } }   Sword got a little upset at being put in the box with the broken }   bottles. } } > Look up. } }   You look up to see a large bat descend on your small skull. }   The voice of your Sword shrieks against the bat to no avail. }   You are now dead. } }   Your score is 5/1123  which gives you the rank of: } }       POND SCUM } } You owe me the latest version of Zork.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so, please, what is the story? >  ___________________________________________________________________ >  A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's >  Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a >  detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so >  interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner >  what it costs. > >  "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a >  thousand dollars more for the story behind it." > >  "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the >  rat." > >  The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the >  bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the >  store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step >  behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk >  faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come >  out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a >  hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. >  He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of >  rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. >  Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront >  at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. > >  No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, >  now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes >  rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks >  long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light >  post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San >  Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.  Pulling his >  legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as >  the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, >  where they drown. > >  Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. > >  "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. > >  "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze >  lawyer."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three million years ago, before Humankind, before warm-blooded mammals, } even before VMS, there was a great civilization of rats. The rats, } barely different from the rats you see today, built the greatest of } machines, so great in complexity as to awe alien observers. }   But the great explorer Indiana Jones, propelled by a plot hole in } Deep Space Nine, came upon the civilization and stole its greatest } idol, a perfect bronze representation of the average, working rat, } and escaped back to your time. }   Without its reminder of their roots, the rat civilization fell into } ruin and civil war. Orbital mass drivers wiped their greatest cities } into dust; climatic changes forced the species back millions of years } to the lowly rat you see in your pantry. }   But in their racial memory, every rat remembers the bronze rat and } the theft that robbed them of their rightful place in the universe, } and it drives them into a killing frenzy. }   This is why there are no bronze lawyers with identical powers; there } never was (nor will there be) a great civilization of lawyers. } }   The Oracle was incarnated as Milhous, and you owe him bronze } figurines of Pinky and The Brain.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spring is green, winter is white, > Fall is orange, summer is bright, > The Oracle knows with all his second sight... > > Name a famous person whos first name is 5 letters and can > be typed with the right hand on the keyboard and whos > last name is 6 letters and can be typed with the left hand on the > keyboard

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Billy Carter. } } (You didn't say I couldn't move my hands out of the home position.) } } You owe the Oracle a loophole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ell me, o wise oracle. What ever shall i get my girlfriend for her > birthday? She's very special to me, and her birthday will almost mark > the 2 Month milestone... ideas? >                                         desparately in love >                                                 Pete

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If she's very special to you, Pete, she's very special to me, too.  So } I want her to have the very best.  That is, of course, me.  Give me her } home address, and make yourself scarce tomorrow night.  I'll make sure } she... } } What?  Oh, nothing, Lisa.  Just another boring question from another } boring supplicant.  Tomorrow night?  Sure, I'm free.  I'd love to. } } Sorry for the interruption, Pete.  I'd recommend a box of chocolates. } Hide the key to her new car under the one with the cherry in it. } } The Oracle has spoken (in a whisper, thank goodness).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose benevolence is dispensed in economy 12-packs, I'm > involved in a love-hate relationship. I love the way Pop-Tarts make me > feel in the morning -- so warm and sweet -- but I hate the fact that I > have to pay money before they will share themselves with me. This John > is growing tired of their tricks. > > If I were The Pop-Tart Pimp, would these delicious treats then give > themselves to me freely?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, now this is a true dilemma, the pop tart pimp, you say. } Being the Pop-Tart pimp will not solve your problem.  If you were } the pop tart pimp you would have the occasional privilege of } taking your own merchandise for free, that's a given.  Though you } would also have to stand back, watching powerlessly as the very } object of your needs and desires was taken, repeatedly, } brutalized and molested by third parties. That are totally } unaware of the intimacy you have experienced with the subject of } their momentary lust.  After a while the warmth and sweetness you } are so accustomed to will turn to cold bitterness as the guilt, } for reaping monetary rewards, by the prostitution of your tarts } sets in. Though these benefits would be attained at no cost to } yourself the merchandise will no longer taste as good if your } perverting the tarts you stick in your mouth. } }                                     Oracle (and fellow Pop-tart fiend)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose financial savvy far outweighs that of McKinsey, Bain, > and Schwab combined, please offer your counsel on the following: > > I am a management consultant with Scheister & Co. > One of our clients is a Mr. Charles Wood, CEO of a powerful timber > company. Mr. Wood has sought out our services because he believes his > firm will be adding chucking technology in the near future. > Given optimal human inputs and resource allocation, and assuming a > marginal risk threshold, what quantity of wood should I project that > the firm of Wood, Chuck Inc. will be able to chuck once the technology > is in place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None.  Here's the schedule of events as they will occur : } } September '95 - "New" technology arrives from supplier "Furr and }       Weintraub".  The orders for equipment got mixed up and it turns }       out you got a box of Lemurs. } } November '95  - Order is finally recieved from supplier.  You get }       ready to rev up the 'Box `o WoodChucks'.  However, it is claimed }       that some annoying, woodsie kind of person (probably don Henley }       at his most self-righteous) claims to have seen a spotted owl. }       Work halts. } } March '96     - After extensive searching, no spotted owls are found. }       Work prepares to go on, but one of your workers is found smashing }       a small woodland creature resembling a Lemur.  While this amuses }       the Oracle greatly, the EPA is not. } } May '96       - In a stunning, bi-partisan reaction to the splattering }       of a Lemur, Congress votes to have your entire company *Zot*ed }       by yours truly. } } You owe the Oracle the latest futures on pork bellies and one flat } Lemur.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was your answer to my last question so bad? And can I have a proper > answer please?! > ---------- > > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oh scientifc oracle, > > > > Is light a particle or a wave? Why does it have to go so fast? Prove > > it! > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } light is obviously a wave. oops i've left the oven on must go ask > } somebody else

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, yes. Sorry 'bout that. That was a particularly bad day for me. } You see, it started with the old question of "Life, the universe, and } everything" which gets pretty mundane after the first millenium or so } of being asked. Then I got the old "Woodchuck" thing, followed by "If a } tree falls in a forest" story. Doesn't anyone have any originality? } } So anyway, by the time I got to your scientific, thought-provoking, } and intellectually significant question, I was unfortunately ignoring } most people out of spite. Unfortunately you got the short end of my } "impatient" stick. } } Anyway, on to the answer. } } Well, light is *both* a particle and a wave. Yes, I know that doesn't } make sense, but I can't really *expect* you to understand! Us higher } forms of being just see things on a different level. Even I have } trouble with this one on a bad day (which explains the answer you got } last time). } } I think you should be damn pleased that light is in such a hurry! } Imagine if it wasn't! Imagine playing baseball and not knowing if the } ball had been hit in your direction just because the light decided to } stop off for a cup of decaf on the way! Would you be confident enough } to cross the road if you thought that the piece of light carrying the } picture of a bloody great truck might have met a piece of light from } the shop window and decided to stop awhile for a chat! }                ****I think not**** } } Anyway, I'm not going to waste both *your* and *my* time trying to } prove it (I don't think your service provider would appreciate a piece } of mail that big sitting on their hard drive, either.) Suffice to say } that it just IS. } } You owe the Oracle an acceptance of the way it is.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Mr. Reagan, we know there is nothing on your mind right now. } We've always known it.