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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a schoolbus yellow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, supplicant, only male schoolbusses are yellow; it's a sort of } mating display. If you spy a yellow schoolbus at rest, look carefully } beneath its tail, and you'll easily be able to verify its gender. } } As a rule, there are many more male schoolbusses in a brood than } female, and so competition is very high come mating season. Only the } schoolbusses with the brightest plumage (usually yellow or orange, } often with black highlights) are able to attract a mate. } } Courtship rituals among the schoolbus are varied. The male attempts to } attract the female's attention with a number of maneuvers; coming to a } dead stop in the left lane, for example, or driving around and around a } rotary at two or three miles an hour. Being very nearsighted, they } often cannot tell when a prospective mate has decided against them and } left. } } Schoolbusses all share in the raising of the young, and in season, } you'll often see them picking up morsels, which the deliver and drop } off at the schoolbus nest (often know as a 'school', which is where } this colorful creature derives its name) This is to help the gravid } mother and helpless chicks, which take some time to reach maturity. } } Schoolbusses are, unlike many fauna, resistant to pollution and live } very well in and around human habitations. Like most wild creatures } though, they can be dangerous if mishandled, and the Oracle recommends } that you treat them with respect, and admire and photograph them from a } short distance. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Tory's Field Guide.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Mighty, Thoughtful and Wise > Lend me your ear and open my eyes > I'm an amateur poet and a lawyer by day > Which causes me conflicts that just won't go away > I'm in the employ of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe > Who respectively have gout, halitosis and only one extended eyebrow > They're not only repulsive, they're unscrupulous and uncouth > I love my fat paycheck, but am I wasting my youth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O pitiful supplicant, small and unwise } I smack you in the ear as my stick pokes your eyes } Your question has prompted me to leave for the day } The more questions I answer, the more users I send away } Come back with worn puns like 'Dewey, Cheetum and Howe' } And make me groan by rhyming it with 'extended eyebrow' } Their questions are technical, repetitive and uncouth } They make me wish for the Temple of my youth. } } The answer to your question is: } Anyone who would rhyme 'Dewey, Cheetum and Howe' } By stretching for the phrase 'extended eyebrow' } Has a gift for poetry too great to be wasted } But I sense success will never be tasted } Your gift for rhyme is too advanced } You would only get panced } Stick with your day job.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, hearty Oracle, please hear my tale > My teacher told me to eat a whale, > if I don't eat one I'll surely fail. > But snacking on baleen could land me in jail. > And to be honest, I'd rather eat quail. > Can you tell me how to prevail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you're in luck! } If the thought of whale makes you go "yuck," } just substitute a woodchuck. } Besides, it's much smaller than a truck. } If your teacher complains, I don't give a flying...*ZOT!*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O unquestionably cool Oracle, whose knowledge reigns supreme, please > grant me the favor of answering my lowly question: > > If I found myself standing in front of the Gates of Hell, would I be > looking at Bill Gates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, it's been so long since I've been to hell and back, I don't } really know who's doing gate duty now. } } Let's travel and find out, shall we?  <The Oracle snaps his mighty } fingers and *POOF*, he is standing in Satan's office.> } } "Satan!  You old son of a-!  How've you been doing these past few } millenia?" <tosses a bone to Cerberus> } } "Business is booming, my old omnipotent friend.  How's the Q&A track?" } } "Not bad, not bad, once Lisa and I got over that dreary woodchuck } period.  Actually, it's a supplicant question that brings me here. } Supplicant wants to know if Bill Gates is pulling GD right now." } } "Well, now, I'm not sure.  I passed that task on to my minions } centuries ago.  Let me pull up the roster and check who's on gate } duty this week.  <sits down to his terminal, a not-yet-of-this-earth } Brimstone 4000/10,086 with 640G of RAM, 800 Quads of hard disk space, } infinite floppy drives and a processor so fast the Hz can't be } expressed in real numbers.>  You know, ever since I got this baby, } Hell is just a little bit less hellish.  Ah, here we are, the gate } roster for the next 300 years.   Right this minute, Pauly Shore's up } there, but tomorrow Leona Helmsley's got a shift, as well as Yahoo } Serious, David Duke, Ivana Trump (she's got a double shift with her } ex), Shannon Doherty.  Next week, there's Jesse Helms, Gallagher, } Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich (he'll be shift captain) Nancy Kerrigan (you } know, she volunteered?) and Lorena Bobbit.  <scans rest of list> } Nope, sorry, I don't see any Bill Gates here.  I take it your } supplicant is a Mac user?  Hey, gimme Bill's phone number, and I'll } give him a call.  I'm sure it's just an oversight." } } Well, valued supplicant, there's your answer.  Now you have something } to look forward to. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows 95  (that's 2095.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle whimsical, wonderous, and wise, >     Answer my question and open my eyes, >  Tell me why is it that time after time >     I find myself speaking like this (metered rhyme.) >  My friends they all shun me.  Why do they do this? >     They say they can no longer take anacrusis! >  And now my own mother (oh, it goes bad to worse) >     Threw me out on the street for she's sick of my verse! >  Oh Oracle, please!  Help would be heaven sent. >     Else I think I'll just end my life's long enjambment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, dearest Supplicant, it's clearly no use } You've grown up on a diet of too much Dr. Seuss } Your meter belongs in a mall's parking lot } And your rhymes are most excellent - not! } Your verse is a flop so please stop and listen to mom } Before a *real* Critic nails you and you lose your aplomb

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh!  Great and wise Oracle, whose arms never fall off: > Now that you have made me official Biographer of the Oracle, I am > taking my duties very seriously.  At the moment, I, your humble > Biographer, would like to know how I can contact Zeus and the other > Gods so that I may interview them about your life.  Your help would be > appreciated. Thank you. >                                       Algorithm, Bane of COBOL

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, Al, I didn't say "official Biographer of the Oracle."  I said, } "Oafish Al, buy a crapper for the Oracle."  You don't need to contact } Zeus. Try Fred's Plumbing Supplies. } } You still owe the Oracle a crapper.  And hurry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fiscal, most monetary and financially wise; whose gold Amex > is never overdrawn and whose books are always in the black - please > invest me with a response... > > Will we ever become a cashless society?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I sense your pain and frustration, dear supplicant. This cruel } world thrives continually on avarice and materialism, in a seemingly } neverending cycle. It often seems that the honest and good are always } in the end victimized by the opportunistic and the greedy, and that } even the things we'd like to think of as free, given, or shared, are } actually priced, withheld, and pro-rated. I understand your desire for } a society free of this brutal exploitation - true wisdom transcends } usury and petty financial compensation. I do believe the time has come } for humanity to accept the true value of life and the necessity of } altruism, and forsake the bitter bondage of cash and currency. } }               end of reply }  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * } } Thank you for asking an excellent question! } }       ITEM              PRICE          AMOUNT } }    260 vowels           @$0.55/vowel   $143.00 }  425 consonants         @$0.35/cons    $148.75 } } 1st time question }       fee               $25.00          $25.00 } }   45 min labor          @$75/hr         $56.25 } }  question processing    $20             $20.00 } } electron recycling fee  $10             $10.00 } }                       -------SUBTOTAL  $403.00 } }                       WISDOM  TAX 6%    $24.18 } }                       ---------TOTAL   $427.18 } } Please make checks payable to the Oracle. } } Ask us about our volume question discount plan!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who has not heard an original grovel in many > years and yet continues to answer our pitiful questions, please > answer mine as I lay in the dust at your feet and proclaim my > unworthiness to even touch your dandruff flakes, > > What is this constant beeping noise coming from my terminal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Data must travel long distance to get to and from your terminal, how } does that data actual move?  Each data packet is transferred via a } TRansport Universal Channeling Kar (TRUCK).  Needless to say, there are } quite many of these TRUCKs.  Due to quantum uncertaintities and other } complicated things, the TRUCKS often reverse themselves, moving } backwards.  That beeping sound you hear is the sound of one of these } TRUCKs backing up. } } You owe the Oracle a hearty belly laugh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most holy Oracle, please fill me in: > > Why are there some electrical outlets with two holes and some with > three holes but never any with four holes or one hole or five holes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The one-hole outlets are reserved for members of congress. } } Four hole outlets were banished by the Catholic Church in 1892, after } it was pointed out that Christ was crucified with four holes on the } cross. All such outlets were confiscated and are now stored in St. } Feazals Sweet Lady of Redemption Warehouse near the Vatican. The Pope } visits them yearly for inspiration. } } Five hole outlets do exist. A company called Lots'o'Holes Ltd, has } manufactured 6 million units per year since 1982. Unfortunately, they } are yet to sell their first, since face plates for these specialty } fixtures have never been available. Rene Banalillin, president of } Lots'o'Holes Ltd, plans expansion into the virgin six hole market. } Prototypes have been very popular with people who like holes, and their } supportive families. } } You owe Oracle Jasper Sailfin the second largest cumquat and a long, } scary ride on your hunchback.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o wise oracle of the net, > > who was i in my previous life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take a look at your soul's revision history: } } |            SOUL ID: 8221-MKK91934-7812-J615-QMLG714 } | SOUL CREATION DATE: 6176324071.83416 (days since creation of Universe) } |INCARNATION VERSION: v71843.0 } | } |CHANGE LOG: } | } |DATE       VERSION  WHO  CHANGE(S) } |---------- -------- ---- --------------------------------------------- } |12/04/0003 v1.0     God  Created first version } | } |09/07/0024 v2.0     RD   Reincarnated as v2.0 by Reincarnation Daemon } |                         after being trampled by elephant } | } |02/10/0041 v3.0     RD   Reincarnated as v3.0 by Reincarnation Daemon } |                         after eating poisonous mushroom } | } |05/04/0083 v4.0     RD   Reincarnated as v4.0 by Reincarnation Daemon } |                         after falling into volcano } } Hmm, this goes on in a similar vein for quite a while. } Let's skip to the end: } } |08/23/1995 71844    RD   Reincarnated as v71844 by Reincarnation Daemon } |                         after being ZOTted for failure to grovel } } Well, that leaves me with only one choice: } } *ZOT!*