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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh worthy one, have you ever given a serious answer to a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I prefer bratwurst on Tuesdays. } } You owe the Oracle a serious question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much beer can the average college male consume before becoming > intoxicated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need help on Question 1, Mr. Supplicant?  I'm disappointed in } you. The answer should have been obvious after our discussion of the } ecological role of the youthful human male in the university } habitat, but since you've asked, I suppose I should derive it for } you.  The rest of you had better pay attention.  Since it is all that } you care about, I might mention that this would be an excellent } question for the final.  Ah, that's much better, it's so nice to see } your faces for a change instead of the top of your heads. } } Now that I have your attention, let's check Webster's.  You *do* } know how to use a dictionary, don't you? } } intonation...intone...in toto...here it is. } } Intoxication: n 1. "An abnormal state that is essentially a poisoning" } } Does that answer the question for you?  Do you understand?  No, I } can see that you don't.  Do I have to show you every piddling little } step in the derivation?  I guess I do. } } What is the *normal* state of the average college male?  No, besides } lust.  Think! Right, it's inebriation.  In fact, beer is the staple } food of the species, isn't it?  The college male is adapted to a diet } rich in spirits of all kinds, is he not?  Have you slept through the } entire semester, Mr. Supplicant? Well? So, how much beer would the } average college male have to consume to enter an "abnormal state } that is essentially a poisoning"? } } Yes, that is right.  Only if the student consumes no beer at all can } he be in an abnormal state that is essentially a poisoning. } -- } The Oracle is not the average college male.  You owe the Oracle a } cup of coffee and a doughnut.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, for whom I would even watch the ill-designed Beavis and > Butthead, even attend Math class for only the merest whiff of your > kitty litter, please help me with my small problem..  How could I go > about getting a date with a smart handsome witty slightly arrogant > athletic music loving male type? There dont happen to be any in my > general corner of the world. And, while MTV and running take up the > time, I need some weekend distraction.  HELP!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahem. This is embarrassing. I was tempted to answer with a single } word: Move. But the sad fact is that men who are smart, handsome, } witty, slightly arrogant (to bring out the geisha in you, I assume), } athletic, and love music as well simply DON'T EXIST. Sorry for } yelling. Athletic, handsome and slightly arrogant, I can get you. } But also thick as a phone book. On the other had, I can get you a } smart dude who's also witty, handsome, and loves music. And who's } even slightly arrogant.  Unfortunately, it'll be classical music, } and you won't be able to take him out jogging if you threatened him } with a gun. I'm not saying the combination does not exist *at all*. } There are guys out there who are cute, athletic, witty, smart, and } just arrogant enough. Unfortunately, they like other guys. Sorry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, > > You are in a small room. There are exits to the north and west. There > are strange markings on the east wall. There is a rope in the middle > of the floor. > > Command:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Command: read } } Read what? } } Command: read wall } } Which wall? } } Command: read east wall } } You can't decipher the strange markings. } } Command: examine east wall } } You look more closely at the strange markings.  They look like part of } an old mural, perhaps. } } Command: take rope } } You put the length of rope in your pack. } } Command: inventory } } You are carrying the following items: } } 1 wrist watch (being worn) } 1 lantern (lit) } 1 pair of leather gloves (bloody) } 1 copy of "Dianetics" (available at a bookstore near you) } 1 (is the loneliest number) } 1 rope } } Command: wrap rope } } Wrap the rope where? } } Command: around neck } } You are now wearing a fashionable rope necktie. } } Command: pull rope } } As you fade into unconsciousness, you begin questioning the wisdom } of asking the Oracle to get you out of a jam without groveling first. } Next time, perhaps, you will be sufficiently humble. } } Your score:  24 out of a possible 5000 points } --- } You owe the Oracle "Doom" for his Apple ][+ (must run in 48K).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh Oracle most profound through the ages, who has seen fads come >      and go, and has witnessed the rise and fall of fools, kings, and >      presidents, answer me this ; > >      If Bill Gates was sitting in his office and the light bulb blew, >      would he change the light bulb,  or simply make the darkness the >      new standard ? > >      And if Darkness were to become the standard, would he release this >      standard at midnight one day after a phenomenal advertising blitz >      that leaves the world in a dumbfounded state ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Erm.  This might well be the case, but in fact Bill puts on his pants } one leg at a time just like the rest of us, and after a two year } wrangle with the Justice Department and issuance of a consent decree, } the light bulb would be replaced on the condition that the new one } never burn out like the old one did.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, seer of scenes, knower of nose, hearer of hearsay, smeller > of smells, feeler of feelings, toucher of touche`s, walker of the walk > and talker of the talk. Please, grant this poor seeker a small portion > of the light of your infinite wisdom. I've searched the dictionary. > I've asked my friends. The Wordsmith had no answer. My MAN pages > provide no clue. A lit search finds only references to the great and > powerful Usenet Oracle. And so I come before you, a humble supplicant > to ask a simple question. > > What is the meaning of koan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a crunchy baked good, available in "regular," "sugar," or "waffle" } varieties.  Several scoops of ice cream can be packed into a koan--less } in the "regular" variety, more in the "waffle" variety (which typically } costs more than the others).  The koan is held in one hand, often with } a napkin wrapped around its lower portion, and the ice cream which } protrudes above the top is eaten first; then, the ice cream which is } packed inside the koan is eaten together with the koan.  The napkin is } not eaten; rather, it is discarded, usually on the ground in front of } the ice cream store. } } You owe the Oracle two scoops of French vanilla and a spelling } dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, who knows all the plans of the Pentagon, >  Who knows everyone in all the governments of the world by name, >  Who knows every intracy of the law, >  Who managed to solve "Myst" in one sitting.... > >  Oracle, I have a deep seated desie to take over the world.  By right >  of superiour intellect, I have the duty to place myself on a pedestal >  and lead this planet into the 21st century! >  Now, I have made several attemps, but have managed to get frozen, >  crushed, discredited, slapped with tomatoes, run over by race >  horses, stmapeded by giant lederhosen clad dancers, embaresed on >  national television and turned into a giant piece of Swiss Chesse. >  In desperation, I ask you on bended knee (and I don't grovel well!), >  what, mightly Oracle, is the proper way for me to take over the >  world?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BAM! } NEW! } POW! } FAST! } KA-BLAM! } EASY TO USE! } SPLA-POOIE! } AND ON SALE AT A STORE NEAR YOU! } } That's right, it's K-Tel's new World Domination in a Box!  It slices, } it dices, it forms small independant revolutionary cells networked and } organized through protected internet sites!  You can even cut a tin can } with it! } } It's the perfect tool for any job!  Mow the lawn in seconds! Re-grout } your bathroom tile!  Assassinate your boss from the other side of the } city! } } For only US$19.99, you too could hold the ultimate power in } the civilized world! Topple Governments!  Resurrect Bing Crosby! } Resurrect Bill Cosby!  Get your own cable access channel!  Rig your } nose for quadraphonic surround-sound!  It's all possible with World } Domination in a Box! } } For just ten extra dollars, purchase the Illuminati Option, and have } instant access to all other World Domination in a Box sets ever sold! } Get a pen-pal! Make new friends!  Controll the destinies of billions of } unsuspecting pawns through your network of cronies and amoral power } mongers!  Hours of Family Fun! } } Comes with 1 year limited warranty.  Batteries not included. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Life and Grumpy Times of Boris } Badinoff, by Rockett J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle Q. Moose.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O indoubtable Oracle, whose redoubts are undoubtably doubtfree, >      please deign to spend more than 3 seconds on my waspish wish: > >      My last query was carefully worded, contained at least 5 >      references to popular culture, and opened the avenue to many a >      high-brow-humorous reply.  Your answer was short, crude, and ended >      not in a clever demand for goods tangentially refered to in your >      previous retort, but in the words, "See ya!" > >      I mean, "See ya!"  Really!  I am flabbergasted.  I have not the >      vocabulary to express my utter disappointment with your reply and >      my growing concern for your continued aptitude for this job. >      Lately, if it hasn't been barfed-out one-liners from the Oracle >      Answer-O-Matic, it's been crappy conundrums carved out of C++. >      "See ya!" indeed. > >      I demand better!  I demand a recount!  I demand no taxation >      without representation, and furthermore, I demand satisfactory >      answers to my questions!  No more ramming tattered common wisdom >      down my throat!  I want bread and circuses, dammit!!!! > >      And look, to make things ("things" being a worthwhile reply on >      your part) easier, lemmee point out a couple of things in the >      above rant: > >      Para. 1:  Lookit -- a play on the word "doubt" -- the whole >      doubting-the-life-beyond thing that humans do so much and that >      amuses immortals like yourself to no end, and a play on the whole >      rest of the letter, which is doubting your competence. > >      Para. 1, con't:  "3 seconds" -- a realization that if the Oracle's >      answering questions this time of day, he's probably doing so by >      stealing precious time away from his day job and can't devote >      quite the time to his answers as he would if I asked, say, 7-ish. >      Also, "wasp", i.e. W.A.S.P. -- as in, who's really doing the >      asking and answering around here, anyway. > >      Para. 2:  "See ya!" -- an opening for many a rant and rave (and, >      oddly enough, convenient excuse) about AOL terrorists sneaking in >      and pounding randomly away on your holy keyboard, unbeknownst to >      you and your recumbent woman-Friday, Lisa. > >      Para. 3: Play on "C++" and "See ya!" -- In other words, one line >      with no thought is worth about as much as six pages of >      pseudo-computer gibberish, and is about as funny. > >      Para. 4:  All sorts of opportunities to make fun of the American >      political system, of Our Founding Fathers Who Thought It Really >      Neat to Dress Up Weird and Dodge Taxes at Three Oclock in the >      Morning, and of P.T. Barnum, who, when you think on it, really >      walks hand-in-hand with the American political system.  Also, >      "common wisdom" is a graph in USA Today, which is a joke in and of >      itself. > >      Postscript over-explanations:  "Lookit the brain.  Uh-huh-huh, >      huh-huh.  My liver.  My liver." > >      So there's humor all over this letter, waiting to explode out on >      to the printed page, er, screen.  But, I'm not expecting anything, >      or rather, I'm not expecting anything with a reasonable ratio of >      capitato lower-case letters, iF YoU KnOW whAT i MeAn. > >      Oracle, sir, you disappoint me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Irate Supplicant, } } Well, personally, I am disappointed that someone with your poingnant, } sarcastic sense of the sublime, received such and unsatisfactory } response from one of my previous incarnations. } } A three second answer, complete with See Ya!  How droll, crass, and } superbly unOraculish - that incarnation will answer to the Board of } Computer Oraculaties for the oafish behavior displayed.The maximum } penalty is death by ZOT - bestowed by the supplicant placing the } complaint - the ultimate humiliation for an incompetent incarnation. } } Accept my humble apologies that your sense of fair play has been taxed. } Representing you at the Board of Oraculaties will be none other than } the fair minded, fair haired, wasp waisted maid - Lisa (beautiful } woman/W.A.S.P.reference).  Of course, to be faire (circus reference) - } the obtuse oracle (one not deserving of a capital O), has his choice of } a defense team (current event reference).  It's just a stab in the } dark, (another current event reference), but scuttlebutt has it that } Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey (another circus reference) are vieing } for the position. } } As to the rant and rave on AOL Terrorists - need I remind you that } these two words together form an oxymoron (another apt description of } an AOLer).  I have just been so busy lately that I have relied on the } management technique of delegating (another taxation w/o representation } reference) - and your question got delegated to the wrong person.  But } this will happen no more, I have taken your letter to heart, and shed } blood, sweat and tears (bodily functions reference) while creating the } ORACLE HUMOROUS RESPONSE POLICY.  To wit "All answers must be funny and } have a clever demand for supplicantal payment".  Of course, this is } just the meat of the policy (clever reference to food), which is } sandwiched (bread reference) in between lines of legalese demanded by } the Board of Computer Oraculaties (reference to boring computerese } oraculaties). } } Bear (another circus reference) in mind, that this is just a draft copy } (reference to drinking).  This policy still needs to go before the } Board for approval, before posting to all potential in carnations } (flower reference). } } I am anticipating that this policy will be pass through (another body } function reference) the Board without any argument. } } Sincerely Yours, } } T.U.O. } } BTW - You owe the Oracle a copy of Crime and Pun ishment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise entity in the known web,, > Answer me this question. Please, so that I can rest > my humble soul. > > What is the question to the answer 42?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Douglas Adams was writing a book } And the cover had a nice look } But all of those pages } Were taking him ages } And he didn't have quite what it took } } The publisher was quite a bore-- } Wanted extra pages galore } Asked Adams one night } "Let me get this right, } You want how many pages more?!" } } You owe the Oracle a ride on a Happy Vertical People Mover.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O the mighty one, please enlighten me on this. > > Why was Indiana named so? Do many Indians reside there? If yes, then > which type: the Eastern ones or the Columbus' discoveries? > > Since, you reside there I expect an authoritative answer..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh...I think I see where you could be confused. No, you see, Indiana } was in fact named after a British tampon company. } } You owe the oracle a 12-pack of In-Diana extra absorbancy tampons.