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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> are there topic rooms where I can directly chat with miscellaneous > people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The people of Miscellania are poor but proud. They deeply resent being } perceived as a novelty, or being approached by bored curiosity seekers } such as yourself. They might appear friendly at first, but it's the } better to draw you in and eventually do you in. I am not going to be } responsible for another disappearance. There's a lot more that goes } on in those topic rooms than meets the eye, and you don't want to go } there if you know what's good for you. Oh, and by the way, next time } you're addressing the Oracle, do yourself a favor and GROVEL.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Wise, Wonderful, and Witty Oracle, for whose knowledge I am > barely fit to be a receptacle, grant me the answer to my plaintive > query: > >       How _does_ AOL manage to create billions of trial disks? They > simply ignore the law of conservation of matter. I just don't > understand it...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, it'a quite simple. } } Every time AOL creates a trial disk, they take the matter from then end } of time (They have this machine, you know.) } } Doing that, of course, creates a bit of a problem with enthropy, but, } as they say: "Hey, it really doesn't matter until the end of time." } } That is true. } } It is also true, that every disk created moves the end of time a bit } backwards. } } The end of time is by now placed Next thursday, somewhere around } teatime GMT. } } You owe the Oracle an escape capsule.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wonderful Usenet Oracle who knows all and tells more, please > advise me. > > My friends have told me about a rather odd concept they believe in. I > don't quite know how to put it into words. It seems to revolve around > ingesting dead plants and animals for protein at regular intervals. If > you could tell me more about this concept, what it ought to be referred > to as, and your opinions regarding its metaphysical existence, I would > be much appreciative.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, some mortals seem to believe strongly in this bizarre ritual.  It } often involves complex and obscure preparations, involving one or more } of the following: } } - Trips to strange blindingly-lit buildings where stores of these dead }   parts are obtained in exchange for bits of paper and metal, while }   "Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits" are played from hidden speakers. } - Complex assemblages of equipment, some fixed, some portable, for }   heating, chilling, slicing, dicing, and cutting ham and turkey so }   thin your in-laws will never come back. } - Group assemblages, preceding which those involved bow their heads in }   shame and remorse at having treated their fellow organic lifeforms }   shabbily. } - In some cases involving marital distress, throwing of the prepared }   parts at one's spouse. } - Ingestion of large quantities of dilute ethanol, causing Uncle Billy }   to leap upon the table and perform Scottish fish-slapping dances. } } Those involved in these practices call it "eating and drinking." } Myself, I call it a damned shame and a poor reflection on the way } organic life conducts itself towards its fellow snails, ants, squid, } sea cucumbers, parsnips, turnip greens, Rocky Mountain oysters, Spam, } etc etc. } } You owe the Oracle a big bag of barbecue Fritos and a tin of bean dip.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> win95

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lose$95

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, omnipotent, undying, all powerful sea of knowledge, which > can also be refered to as the mighty oracle, please answer my question! > > Will Kelly ever be mine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MINE pron. [AS. min, mine, from min, genit. case of 1st pers. pron.] } that or those belonging to me: the absolute form of my, used without } a following noun, often after of, as, a friend of mine, that book is } mine, mine are better. } }         People, (emulating their betters, the most superior race } on this planet - otherwise known as the race of CATS), never BELONG } to anyone.  They come and go as they please, and give and receive } affection when they are inclined to so do. } }         No, Kelly can never be "yours" in the true literal sense of the } meaning of "mine".  But that should, of course, bring to mind your } logical NEXT question, which has nothing to do with Kelly at all..... } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of the book "Morris, My Own } True Story", and a can of cat food.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh masterful Oracle, knower of all that is to be known, I have a > question to ask which may very well affect my future and my > lifespan.  Should I go to a... friend's birthday party or ask > this girl I know on a date?  I'd rather go on a date, but maybe > I'm obligated to, well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       ...To what?  Tap-dance?  Refinish a table?  Make a contribution } to the Republican Party?  You must be specific.  Give examples.  Show } your work. } }       Well, let me see if I can't help you with a general-purpose quiz } I've developed for similar situations.  It should help you determine } whether or not you should ask your female friend for a date. } }       Please answer the following questions honestly: } } ---------------- } 1:    Please rate your geekiness level: } }       A)  What's a geek? }       B)  I can load and run Windows. }       C)  GAT C++ d- UL++++$ P+ 3- !n po+(--) D+ s-:+ a- p? u** } } 2:    Please rate your degree of physical attractiveness: } }       A)  Fabio has tried to have me asassinated. }       B)  I'm pretty reasonable. }       C)  I make Tom Petty look like a Greek God. } } 3:    Please rate your intelligence: } }       A)  I understand the proof to Fermat's Last Theorem. }       B)  I can usually balance my checkbook. }       C)  "Potatoe." } } 4:    Please indicate your level of cultural development: } }       A)  "Hello.  Welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.  I'm Alistair }           Cooke..." }       B)  "Space:  The final frontier..." }       C)  "ARE YOU LISTENING, HULK HOGAN?  I WILL DESTORY YOU NEXT }           WEEK..." } } 5:    Please indicate your culinary preference: } }       A)  Chateaubriand medium-rare with a subtly spiced mushroom sauce }           and a 1966 Merlot. }       B)  Lemon-herb chicken with rice pilaf and a glass of mineral }           water. }       C)  Cheetos and Coors. } } 6:    Please indicate your general class of profession: } }       A)  "Yes, Mr. Yakamura, we would be delighted to close the deal }           Monday next..." }       B)  "Jim, can you fire up the logic analyzer?  The damn debugger }           is causing more problems than it's solving..." }       C)  "We're just as interested as you are, your Honor, in seeing }           this case go to the jury by Labor Day..." } } 7:    Please indicate the class of clothing you most commonly wear: } }       A)  Armani }       B)  Calvin Klein }       C)  Garanimals } } 8:    Select the spiritual framework to which you most closely align }       yourself: } }       A)  A synthesis of the Koran, Torah, Bible, Tao Te Ching, and my }           own personal experiences in this life. }       B)  The Bible. }       C)  Dianetics. } ---------------- } }       Now, score each answer as follows: } }       A) 256 points }       B) PI points }       C) -(i^2) points } }       Multiply the score of each answer by the square root of its } ordinal number. } }       Now, take all the answers whose ordinal number is even but not } evenly divisible by three and add them together to get an X-axis value. } Take all the answers whose ordinal number is evenly divisible by } three but not by two and add them together to yield a Y-axis value. } For all other answers, discard the results; they were red-herrings. } }                 ^________________________________________ }           9.001 |       |                 /|             | }                 |       | Write questions/ |             | }                 | Visit | to The Oracle /  |             | }             F   |Parents|        /\    /   | Libertarian | }                 |       |       /o \--* S  |             | }             u   |       |------/o   \   l  _--_          | }                 |-------+      \   o/\  e '    `         | }             r   |   \_          \ o/  \ e( Date )        | }                 |     \_ Attend  \/ o  \p "-__-"         | }             l   |       \_ party  \  o /   |             | }                 | Watch   \_       \  /----+-------------| }             o   | TV all    \ __    \/                   | }                 |  day       ]  ---__|    Play Doom      | }             n   |____________|       +___________________| }                 |          \  Drink  |______             | }             g   | rn        \heavily_|      |            | }                 | alt.       \     /        | Oaklahoma  | }             s   | binaries.   >---<   Do    |            | }                 | pictures.  /     \__ your +------------| }               9 | erotica   /  lint   \ laundry          | }               +-----------------------------------------> }                 -3                              6.02*10^23 }                            F o r t n i g h t s } }       Finally, print the above chart out on a piece of paper. } Using the X- and Y-axis values you computed earlier, find the } corresponding location on the chart and mark it.  Then throw it away } and try not to think about it.  You'll be glad you did. } }       You owe The Oracle a recursive DIR listing of your entire } hard drive.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> askme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, after all these years a supplicant who is not demanding an answer. } My heart warms.  It is so good to see a person who is not demanding and } pounding on my door with "Me, me me"  "Why, why why?"  "Tell me, tell } me, tell me." } } Unfortuanately, you forgot to grovel so I shall have to *ZOT* you. } It's standard practice you know.  Nothing personal. } } ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle a request for the correct use of the Temple of } Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Creative Writing Lesson LXI > > Today's bonus word is "logarithm".  Please use it at least once in > completing the following paragraph. > > "Victoria could not concentrate.  Gently she sighed as the music > swelled in a violent crescendo, intruding its presence into her > consciousness like a determined gazelle.  Later that evening,...."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .... the music continued, but at a staggared beat.  The natives' music } was somehow different.  She went out and asked the chief why the music } changed and he replied: }    "You see-um, new drummer for tree trunk who have no experience }     come in at dinner.  Drummer no experience - drummer no logarithm."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > Whose ears are wet-willie-proof, > Who needs no introduction... > > Why is this Monday called 'Labor Day' if no one is going > to be doing any work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The holiday is actually commemorating the end of the "dog days" } of summer.  Taking one breed as the representative for all breeds, } it was originally called "Labrador Retriever Day," but the "rad" } and the "retriever" portions escaped through a hole in the fence. } They were last wearing a red collar with a blue City of Bloomington } license tag; if you see them, E-mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu with a } subject line of "found." } } The Oracle might owe you a $50 reward.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will i get along alright in my new school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, only the short alrights will } be handed out in your new school. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot.