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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose fur has such a wonderful sheen, whose fangs > gleam in the faintest moonlight, whose bark is worse than his bite, > which is worse than his bark, whose nose can detect a Pupperoni at > 40,000 feet, please, answer me this: > > What is it about these creatures that invade my yard, that so compels > me to break into a full-tilt chase across half the neighborhood? > These animals are ugly:  short, stubby muzzles; fluffy, primped up > fur; and the most annoying pitiful mewling bark.  They are constantly > washing themselves, and their idea of a good chase is to sneak up > behind some poor unsuspecting bird or small rodent and dispatching it > quickly without even giving it a warning bark and a sporting chance > to get away.  These creatures are wretched, and should be of no > consequence to me, yet I simply cannot resist the urge to run after > them.  My adored but addled two-legged pack members seem to have some > misplaced affection for these animals and scold me whenever I give > chase, but I simply cannot help myself.  Please, Oracle, how can I > temper my compulsion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Dogged Disciple, } } From the doggerel you sent me, I was able to discern the cause of your } problem, and I have arrived at my conclusion. } } First off, you're barking up the wrong tree.  Your puppy love for these } creatures, your desire to whisker away and give chase, is something } that cannot be muzzled.  Pay no heed to your friends hounding you... } they will only eventually in cur the wrath of whatever Dog*erhm*God } they worship. Meanwhile, make no bones about it... and do not bury your } compulsion. Paws for a moment, then break free from that chain of } self-restraint. Howl ong you purr sue these creatures is up to you. } Thank you for your woebegone tail... it has refreshed me. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Barbara Wodehouse's "Good Dogs, Bad } People".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh most genetically unadulterated Oracle, please answer my most >      humble question: > >      In my expirements on genetic mutations ala ionizing radiation, I >      have inadvertantly developed some extrtra finfgers.   Although I >      appreciate the extra arm (I can alwasy use a third hand),  the >      exztra fingers on each hand have made typing alnmost impossible! >      (sorry foer the typos). Can you tell me where to get a keyboard >      designed for 14 fingers?  Or better yet, 21 fingers?  (I might as >      well put that extra hand to use). > >      Plese help, >      A most humble mutant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have never come across a single Techie who uses more } than two fingers for typing regardless of how many they } actually have. (In fact your error rate is quite low) } } Secondly, not one of the world governments acknowledges } the mutating effects of ionising radiation, in order that they } can continue to build Power Stations in your back yard. } Therefore there are no facilities for mass production of 21 } finger keyboards, two headed neck-ties, and left/right/middle } shoes. } } You could try Freaks-R-us, the shop in Tahiti sponsored by } the French government. } } You owe the oracle a lead waistcoat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and groovy Oracle, who can microwave bread-based products > without turning them all rubbery, please spare me a dusty hair of > knowledge from your dust bunny of wisdom: > > How would the world be different if Microsoft produced, say, shower > curtain rings, instead of software?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  That would be under Alternate Universes.  Albumin, Almonds, } here it is! Now, you want the one with shower curtain rings.  Here's } Mightgrowsquash, the gardening firm ... Niteflowoff, the makers of } incontinence products ... Icroaksoft, the euthanasia company ... ah! } The bathroom engineering corporation, Myloostall.  Let's see.... } } It seems that in this alternate world the shower curtain rings are so } large that bathrooms are fifty to a hundred times the size we're } accustomed to.  There, it takes twenty minutes just to clamber into } the bathroom.  Myloostall seized this opportunity to market a } bathroom-styling package called DribbleSpace that combines the shower } stall with the toilet. } } Myloostall began many years ago producing outhouse doors, and was } moderately successful. However, when a rival company Rack'n'wash } announced its new indoor shower stall, Myloostall moved quickly into } the new technology. } } However, Myloostall remembered its roots, and made its shower rings } from crescent-shaped outhouse door hinges, so that its customer base } would feel at home. At first, no two ring-hinges were the same size or } shape, and any attempt to use more than one to hold a shower curtain } resulted in a tremendous tangle of plastic and a puddle on the floor. } Myloostall responded quickly to criticism by announcing that a tangled } curtain and a puddle on the floor were standard, and began } deliberately designing the rings to tangle. } } Recently, Myloostall realized that no one uses outhouses any more, and } began a major redesign of its curtain rings to remove the obsolete } hinges.  They were successful in that the resulting product no longer } bends.  The fact that it also will not hold any existing curtain is } seen as a desirable feature, since Myloostall expects to become the } world's sole provider of shower curtains.  That the new rings will not } even stay on a curtain rod *is* considered a difficulty, but it will } be fixed in the next version. } } You owe the Oracle a Nitrosloth couch potato ejection seat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, who can tune a guitar, a file system, or a fish with > the greatest of ease, please tell me why DEC sold you RDB.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Yeah, yeah, yeah...  There are lots of people out there who chuckle } whenever they hear of the "Oracle Corporation", not knowing that it } really _is_ one of my side gigs. }   So listen up.  I'm sittin' in my office one day last year when one of } these Digital Equipment reps comes busting in to waste my time. } 'course, I don't mind, since I'm immortal and this greasy little punk } is going to be a withering corpse inside of a century.  I chuckle to } myself when he asks "Got a minute?" }   I pour us both a double bourbon neat (it being nearly 10 AM) and hear } out his pitch.  The usual nonsense about how DEC wants to contract me } out to answer really tough tech support questions, like I don't already } have enough to do. }   "Not interested."  That damned greasy sales rep smile fades.  "But } there's something you can do for me."  A hungry glimmer in his eye. }   "Now here's the scoop.  I'm omniscient - you know that, and _being_ } omniscient, its a given I know it too."  I pour us both another drink. } "But sometimes its a hassle keeping track of all of that information. } I need some way to organize all that information...  One of those... } what are they called?"  I play dumb. }   "A database?" he ventures. }   "Yeah, that's it.  You see, that's what I'm talking about.  When } you're all-knowing, it gets pretty cluttered in the noggin, and I need } one of those data-base things to keep it all straight.  But not just } _any_ data base - most of 'em leave me cold.  I need a data base I can } _relate_ to, if you know what I'm talkin' about."  I pour two more } glasses of whiskey and pat him on the shoulder. }   "Funny you should mention that, Mr. Oracle, because we have a product } called RDB, or Relational DataBase - it supports 64 bit VLM } architecture and..." }   "Yeah, yeah, yeah," I cut him off.  I'm almost tempted to ask him to } define one of those buzzwords he's throwing out, just to make him } sweat. "I don't care about all that.  I'll take it." }   "Great!" he exclaims, unable to believe he has just made a sale.  "We } can sell you a single user license or if you would like..." }   "I didn't say I wanted to _use_ it, skippy," (drives a sales rep } crazy when you call them skippy...)  "I said I _wanted_ it.  As in I'll } be taking that particular package off of DEC's hands, thank you very } much.  Now get one of your lawyers over here so we can sign the papers." }   "Um, Mr. Oracle, I don't know if I follow.  RDB is a very lucrative } property of ours, and _I_ certainly am not at liberty to..."  He's } really starting to sweat now - I love it. }   "Listen here, haircut boy, you get your people over here by two this } afternoon, or I'll not only reduce the chairperson of your board to his } or her component elements, but I'll see that your wife finds out the } origin of a certain account by the name of an318208@anon.penet.fi, } which has been used to post quite extensively to } alt.sex.wives.comma.cheating.on!" }   And the rest is history.  Man oh man I love this job. } } You owe the Oracle a power lunch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gracious Oracle, greatest of all beings, > please give this humble supplicant a little advice. > > My sister's birthday is coming up, and I'm trying to get > her a nice birthday present.  I know she loves Gilbert > and Sullivan's operas, and so I was thinking of getting > her a recording of one.  Which one would be the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               ARIA } }      For I'm called Little Oracle--dear Usenet Oracle, }         And no one should need to ask why, }      So thus I'm called Oracle--wise Usenet Oracle, }         Sweet Little Oracle I! } }      I've humor and wit, I've got quite a bit, }           I've boundless stores of advice }      I've tricks and tips, and perfect birthday gifts }           For pretty young sisters and wives. } }      "Mikado" and "Pinafore" are two that she'll die for }           and Pirates of Penzance makes three; }      But for info that's more, that she's sure to adore }           Look no further than http } }      For librettos and scores, and probably much more }           Which both of you should think is swell }      Put on your trousers and point your web browser }           At http://diamond.idbsu.edu/GaS/GaS.html! } }      Then give thanks to your Oracle--wise Usenet Oracle; }           Supplicants should never by shy; }      For the omniscient Oracle--sweet Usenet Oracle; }           Will always tell you when, where, and why! } } You owe the Oracle a chance to take your sister to the cast party.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 2 + 2 = ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higher math, eh. } } Ok, let's see.... } } First, you have to convert to ascii binary, thus the problem could be } stated: } } 0110010  0101011  0110010  0111101 0111111 } } Next, we use the 'new math' to quickly find the sum: } } 0110010 } 0101011 } 0110010 } 0111101 } 0111111 } _________ } 0543243 } } Now, break this down into it's octal components (Eldridge-"Zen and the } art of Octalizing"-1923), leaving: } } 60 65 64 63 62 64 63 } } Since it's an addition problem, we must append the octalized operator } to keep the equation in balance, thus we have: } } 60 65 64 63 62 64 63 53 } } Then, we apply the Ribenhoff plus/minus transformation, yeilding: } } 60-65+64-63+62-64+63-53 } } We then simplify this equation, leaving the answer of 4. } } You owe The Oracle a new 1000mhz slide rule.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh amazing, knee-knocking Oracle, all-knowing all-parent of the > universe and beyond, I beg and plead and wheeze and grovel and shut the > door on my head to hear your merest whispered answer to the question, > >       Will I ever finish this damn Ph.D.?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While that was a wonderful grovel, I absolutely loathe that sort of } question. I can only say that it is up to you. Only you know when you } will finish, for it is you who sets the pace. } } That said, I CAN give you some pointers that may be helpful: } } - Set up a well-lit, well-ventilated work area. } - Read the instructions carefully before you begin. } - Wear gloves and safety goggles when warranted. } - Make sure you have all the parts on hand. } - Arrange parts in the order you will be using them. } - Don't glue anything together until you've done a practice run to be }   sure everything fits. } } You owe the Oracle a cheerleader kit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                            WOODCHUCK MAN >                              a song by >                      They Might Be Supplicants >                      ---- ----- -- ----------- > >        Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man >        Doing the things a Woodchuck can >        What's he like?  It's not important >        Woodchuck Man > >                                Is he calm?  Or running amuck? >                                When he's in wood, does he chuck? >                                Or does the wood get him instead? >                                Nobody knows. >                                Woodchuck Man > >        Oracle Man, Oracle Man >        Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man >        They have a fight, Oracle wins. >        Oracle Man > >                                Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man >                                Really Annoying Supplicant Man >                                Usually asks about Woodchuck Man >                                Supplicant Man > >        He's got a watch with a minute hand, >        Millenium hand and an eon hand >        When they meet it's a happy land >        Powerful man, Supplicant Man > >                                Oracle Man, Oracle Man >                                Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man >                                They have a fight >                                Oracle wins

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       Why Won't You Shut Up }                           by Van Oracle }                       --------------------- } } Oh, another one, } A silly question again } Wasting all my time, } Every time we tak } } No matter how } Many times I begin } You always ask } Way too much } } Hey, I'm an Oracle } I'm sick of it all } Same ol' questions every day } } Fix all of your mistakes? } So tell me Why won't you shut up? } Without any thought, } Oh tell me Why won't you shut up? } } Figure it out yourself } Foolish supplicant } Stupid questions } Always ruin my day } } Oh, I know } The answers to everything } But wnough's enough } Now please just go away! } } Oh, I'm an Oracle } I am immortal } Still you bother me every day } } Oh, you're such a disgrace } So tell me Why won't you shut up? } Zot right in your face } Oh tell me Why won't you shut up? } } < Insert Cool Oracle Solo Here > } } I've got what it takes, } So tell me Why won't you shut up? } Usually in bad taste } Oh, tell me Why won't you shut up. } } Tell me Why won't you shut up? } Got to know Why won't you shut up? } I wanna know Why won't you shut up?!?!?!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, > > ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} & {What, you were expecting an exclamation mark, maybe?} } } You owe the Oracle condolences that short answers never make it into } the oracularities anymore...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so humpty dumpty, > what did all the kings horses and all the kings men do, after the have > found you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Where have you been? It was in the news all last week. The men and } horses tried to put me together again, but first they had to form } subcomitties on adhesives, shell curviture, and yolk preservation. } Unfortunately, the project fell through after several locals turned } me into an omelete.