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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, seer of all, knower of even more, and groper of Lisa, > please answer my query: > > When will Kris have E-Mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} January 1st, 2001: Kris, aka 'Christ', aka 'The Messiah', obtains an }                    e-mail account with North-America On Line. } } January 2nd, 2001: Christ crossposts 'Second Coming of Christ! Repent }                    or Burn in Hell, Sinners!' to all 20,000 newsgroups. } } January 3rd, 2001: Christ recieves the first of a torrent of indignant }                    flames, including 982 megs of core dumps from }                    alt.atheism. Even more flames are posted to the }                    groups, and since most posters neglect to edit the }                    newsgroups line, or clip the quote to the part they }                    respond to, each group is flooded with an average of }                    one million 400-line messages. Participants in the }                    Longest Thread Ever complain about all the crap }                    flooding the net. } } January 20th, 2001: The flamewar ends as the last node bursts into }                     flames from an overheated hard drive. The latest }                     predictors of the immenent death of the net gloat. } } February 1st, 2001: The phone bills arrive. ATT acquires 99.8% of the }                     world's money supply, thus achieving at last their }                     goal of world domination. All employees of Sprint }                     and MCI are nailed to telephone poles. } } February 11th, 2001: The Christian underground collapses when Christ }                      forgives ATT. ATT has him shot before he can }                      change his mind. } } February 15th, 2001: Christ returns from the grave long enough to }                      promise a a third coming in a thousand years, }                      triggering a massive wave of suicides. } } You owe the Oracle a cancelbot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who uses only thoroughly inorganic products, > > What the hell is Sodium Alkybenzenesulfonate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Representative "Newt" Gingrich's real first name.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most beneficent Oracle, riddle me this: > > will I *ever* finish graduate school? > > sincerely, > trapped in academia

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, certainly!  Everyone dies ... and I believe that dead bodies are } not allowed in classes -- unless of course you are a professor with } tenure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Times are a changing Orrie.  No Grovel from me.  And don't try the old > zot thing, > my new Zot95(tm) will be the zot of choice in no time.  Users can even > use a capital Z if they want.  In fact, another new standard is that > all grovels should be addressed to me. > > So where do you want to go today? > > Bill G. > > You owe me 3 picasso's and more ideas I can steal. > > Oh yeah, that's another change.  Everyone now owes me stuff, not you. > On both questions and answers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, Bill.  You seem to be suffering from the same sort of delusion } as Bill C., that your position of eartly power is anything more than } the merest eyeblink to us immortals.  Indeed, that having more money } than anyone else on your planet, and your metaphorical fingers into } most of the personal computers on said planet, makes you any more } significant than the dust mite I stepped on this morning. } } However, I must congratulate you on your marketing strategy.  Most of } the other immortals didn't believe you would be able to keep your firm } afloat with the products you have.  I, of course, knew, but it was } amazing nonetheless. } } Well, even though your arrogance has come to a head, I shall deign to } answer your question.  I want to go to a certain sentator's office, } where I shall give him the answer to his latest question regarding a } certain software firm's monopolistic practices. } } As a parting gift, here is a nice box.  Printed on the inside of the } cover is a foolproof method for doubling your profit at no risk to } yourself.  Don't worry.  I did not also put in the box a special, } Turbo-charged WarpZot which will evaporate everything within ten feet } when the box is opened or the message read by any means. } } I understand your dilemma, Bill.  Your profit-making instinct won't } let you leave the box alone.  But your survival instinct is high } enough to stop you.  Let's place the box on your desk, where you will } be able to think about it for a long, long time. } } You owe the oracle a good laugh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh wise and wonderful oracle, who could break my arm at any time, > just because, could alter the universal gravitational constant of the > universe at any time, just because, or could destroy the entire human > race, just because, please grant me the opportunity to ask you just a > single sad unworthy question: > >     Does Windows 95 really work????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pardon me for a few moments, while I break Bill Gates' arm, } alter the universal gravity constant within Microsoft's } corporate headquarters, and destroy every instance of } MS-DOS. } } Just because.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh interesting Oracle, whose words enthrall me, especially when I have > insomnia, > > Don't you hate it when you forget and leave a .signature at the bottom > of an answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  No, because, being infallible as I am, I never make such mistakes. } }  ***************************************************************** }  * /\/\/\/\           * Shrapnel P. Wuggermahugger               * }  * |      |           * owner and manager of Shrapnel P.         * }  * | 0  0 | Hey dood! *   Wuggermahugger's Rack & Toenail Clipper* }  * |  ..  |/~~~ ~~~~~ *   Emporium                               * }  * |  __  |           * 2830 Krtchnblonsky Street                * }  *  \____/            * Shnooksville, KY  12345                  * }  *  |____|            * shrapnel@tricounty.net                   * }  ***************************************************************** }  * VISIT OUR WEB PAGE: http://www.tricounty.net/~shrapnel/racks. * }  *                       html                                    * }  * Order the BEST racks and toenail clippers online!             * }  ***************************************************************** }  * "Oh cheesecake, o sponge, o mottled sinner, in which mental   * }  * hemisphere do thy stinkweeds bloom? In inperturbable          * }  * disappropriation of the burbling irrigation canal of destiny?"* }  *                               --Cranium                       * }  *                                 poet laureate of the tri-     * }  *                                 county area                   * }  ***************************************************************** }  * Ask me about COMPOSTNET BBS! The only BBS in the country      * }  * devoted exclusively to compost and compost-related issues!    * }  ***************************************************************** }  * Fight censorship and governmental restriction of the internet!* }  * Write your congressman TODAY to protest the Exon Bill, the    * }  * Clipper Chip, and the FCC Modem Tax!                          * }  ***************************************************************** }  * The opinions expressed here my own only, not the opinions of  * }  * my employer, access provider, software company, hardware      * }  * company, spouse, children, pets, or anybody else in the past, * }  * present, and future, including all alternate dimensions.      * }  ***************************************************************** }  * GEEK CODE: GRT w? U-- L? s-- E? e? S+ C? X- Y? Z? racks ++++  * }  ***************************************************************** }  * Kibo * Canter & Siegel * GO MOOSES! * Xibo * The BOB (c)      * }  ***************************************************************** }  * Usenet Oracle Incarnation: send your burning questions to:    * }  * oracle@cs.indiana.edu and maybe I'll answer!                  * }  ***************************************************************** } }  Posted from the Tri-County Freenet. Please report any abuses to }  postmaster@tricounty.net. } }  JollyPost, ver. 3.5 (Unregistered copy)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ro Ro Ro yore bote, > jentlee doun thu streme, > maryli maryli maryli maryli > lyphe iz buht uh dreme.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nok, nok, on your silly hed } But not two hard plese } Barabim baraboom barabim baraboom } In ze end you're ded

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, farthest seeing of all the far-seers, please grant me > the answer to my query: > > Concrete Jelly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's a closely-guarded family recipe--but since you asked: } } APPLE-ASPHALT DELIGHT } } 2 cups apple cider } 3 and a half cups sugar } 2 teaspoons fresh thyme leaves } 1 pouch (3 ounces) liquid fruit pectin } 1 one-pound bag, ready-mix concrete } } Combine cider, sugar, and thyme in a medium saucepan. Stir over low } heat until sugar has dissolved and the mixture has reached a boil. Stir } in pectin and concrete. Pack jelly in sterilized canning jars according } to the manufacturer's directions. } } Makes one quart. Can be doubled or tripled to fill potholes. } } You owe the Oracle a springform pan and a trowel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 15 down, 8 to go.  How much longer is this going to take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's 15th down and 8 cubic hectares to go.  The hyperbolic-paraboloid } is on the 10+sqrt(3) Kelvin line, with 7 coulombs left on the clock. } The Sufferin' Supplicants are down 3*i points. } } Here's the snap.  The eight back hands off to the sixteenth back who } hands it off to the thirty-second back.  TWEEEET!  The referee calls a } foul on the the Supplicants.  The Oracle declines the penalty, so now } it's 16th down and 8.  Things are looking mighty grim for the } Supplicants tonight folks. } } The Supplicants are going to try a pass.  It's up and... OH NO!  The } Oracle has the X, Y, and Z intercept!  He's starting at his own } origin.  He's to the e^x line: he's gone transcendental. } } But wait.  Here comes a Supplicant now.  The Oracle is down.  FUMBLE! } The supplicant recovers.  Now it's first down again, with all 23 left. } Just a single tick left on the clock.  Will the Supplicant ever } succeed? } } More after this commercial for the Oracle: } } You owe the Oracle a cricket bat. } } We're back for the final play.  The Supplicant looks deep.  The Oracle } blitzes.  It's up and... it's good!  It's all over.  The score: the } Oracle 14, the Supplicants 16+sqrt(2)*i.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fabulously omnitient Oracular one, grower of the tree of pretty > interesting fruit and other miracles of various degree: > Why do Chihuahuas so closely resemble warm blooded cockroaches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an example of convergent evolution. } } In case you've forgotton your freshman biology, convergent } evolution happens when two species occupy the same niche } in nature, and as a result, they tend to change over the } ages until they resemble each other. } } Cockroaches have long been the scavengers of the world. } Anywhere there are dropped crumbs, bits of nuts, or old } squashed fruit, you'll find cockroaches busy cleaning up. } } Except indoors, where human intervention has been slowing } the cockroaches down considerably.  There, a different } species (Canis domesticus chihuahuai) has been introduced } into this role.  The Chihuahua is ideal for cleanup in } modern homes.  It is large enough that it cannot be } accidentally sucked up by the vacuum cleaner, but it's } small enough to run around under the table, picking up } the scraps which fall to the floor.  And it's omnivorous. } } It is rumored that in the event of an all-out nuclear war, } the only species that would survive are cockroaches and } Chihuahuas. } } You owe the Oracle a three foot long no-pest strip.