Goto:

778, 778-01, 778-02, 778-03, 778-04, 778-05, 778-06, 778-07, 778-08, 778-09, 778-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle: > > SPAM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another question without a grovel?  Where *are* supplicants coming } from these days?  Really...  Oh, well, I guess I can't expect all of } them to know how to grovel straight out of the womb...  [The Oracle } stops and rubs his chin in a pensive manner.]  Hmmm...  Maybe I'll } have a chat with God and see if we can get some changes put in place } for the next batch.  [The Oracle scribbles himself a note on a } yellow sticky and puts it on the fridge.]  Now, on with the question! } } Rather a vague one...  What *did* you mean?  Oooh, I *like* a } challenge! } } Hmmm...  Well, since you don't have a sandwich in your hand, I can } assume that you aren't offering me a SPAM sandwich.  Although, I } could do with a bite to eat about now...  [The Oracle's stomach makes } a rather loud gurgling, growling noise.]  Oh, do *excuse* me! } } And since there are no vikings in the vicinity, I'll take it that you } do not wish me to break into my earth-shattering rendition of a Monty } Python sketch.  Quite a little number, I might add...  Oh, yes, the } question! } } [The Oracle takes a closer look at the supplicant, who is decked out } in a backpack and cycling gear, and finally sees the light.] } } Oh, you must have dyslexia!  I'm *terribly* sorry about the mis- } understanding.  You can get maps to the temple and its grounds from } the kiosk in the main foyer.  I hope you enjoy your visit to the } temple! Oh, and watch out for the timber tossers in the main garden; } I haven't had a chance to subdue them for the day... } } You owe the Oracle a four course lunch and a complete collection of } Monty Python's Flying Circus' works on Laserdisc and CD.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > Is there anything you can do to make Joel Furr quit griping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though your question's very good, } And doesn't mention chucking wood, } And there weren't any typos in your typing, } I must disappoint you. I } Can only tell you, with a sigh, } That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping. } } He is taking folks to task, me- } Thinks, for sending in an "askme", } When a "tellme"'s what he thinks they ought to do. } (How should *they* know that, Joel? Why kick } Them? These people aren't psychic, } And it isn't mentioned in the F.A.Q.) } } But I think that if we weren't } To restrict this to the current } Source of discord, flames, and penny-ante sniping, } But expanded our scope, } You'd see, yourself (quite soon, I'd hope), } That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping. } } For you'd see that Joel and flaming } Go together. (I'm not claiming } That he's always in the wrong. That said, I *do* wish } He'd spout off less -- he's reli'ble } As Old Faithful. Note the "Bible" } Tzimmis going on right now (soc.culture.jewish).) } } So enjoy his merry volleys } And his jokes on the Cabal he's } In, and maybe buy a T-shirt that he's hyping; } But you'll never stop the Lemur } Guy -- I swear by the Redeemer, } That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping. } } You owe the Oracle a nice, full queue to keep Joel busy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and (unfortunately) smells > all, please tell me: > > How did an operating system called "Quick and Dirty Operating System" > (QDOS) ever become the standard for computers worldwide? Did Billy-Bob > Gates put something in the drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all happened something like this. } } You know how popular the alt.(naughty 's'-word) groups are on Usenet } news? The ones everybody reads but nobody admits to, and the Rural } Majority thinks are an affront to America, Jesus and sliced white } bread?  Yeah, those ones.  OK, that gives you some background. } } Nobody was really interested in the 'quick' part, but the 'dirty' part } sounded so interesting that everybody went out and bought a copy, took } it home in a brown paper wrapper, and opened it in the back room when } the children were asleep. } } Naturally enough, the results weren't very titillating, but the upright } pillars of the community were too embarrassed to take their purchases } back and demand a real operating system.  Millions of copies were sold } world-wide before the true nature of the scam was discovered. } } By that time, it was into revision 3.3 and had its foot firmly planted } in the door.  It was no longer remotely 'Q', and to assuage Oral } Roberts (and his brother, Rectal) the 'D' was changed to mean 'Disk'. } } And now -- you know -- the rest of the story. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Open VMS (har har) for the Pentium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello?  Can you hear me now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:       Gen Colin Powell } From:     Usenet Oracle School of Public Speaking } Subject:  Lesson Number 3 } } Gen. Powell, } } Your choice of "Hello?  Can you hear me now?" is a perfectly acceptable } way to start off all of your upcoming public speaking engagements.  It } is, of course, much more original than "Can you all hear me in the } back?"  However, you may want to consider continuing your search for a } snappy opening line, as your selection is often used in conjunction the } aforementioned opening.  I suggest you strive for something more along } the lines of "I haven't seen this many clueless people gathered in one } place since my last appearance before the Senate." } } A few other things you might want to keep in mind- } } Always be sure to begin your speaking engagement with some type of gum } or hard candy in your mouth.  If you're feeling particularly candid, } you can stop your speech at about the third sentence, make a great show } of peeling the candy off your tounge, and sticking it to the podium. } } If you have to pause to collect your thoughts during your speech, be } sure to use an appropriate filler, such as "um, "ok", "aaaahhh", or } "you know."  This will keep the audience's attention while you } formulate your next sentence. } } Be sure repeat some gesture for emphasis, like moving your hand in a } circle at every pause, or continually checking the corners of your } mouth for that white stuff.  Also popular is the nose pull.  Use your } thumb and forefinger to not-so-gently pull the tip of your nose. } } And finally,  always be sure to mutter and garble at least half of your } speech. That way, your audience will be compelled to come back, to } catch the parts they missed the first time. } } Good Luck! } } You owe The Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit and "Powell in '96" button.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did CNN cancel that cool Desert Storm show?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The decision was purely economical. While it got very good ratings, } "Desert Storm" was simply too expensive to produce for an extended } period of time, hence its eventual replacement with the long-running } courtroom serial drama science fashion talk adventure sitcom mystery } (in which the murderer is revealed right away, a bold move), "The } Simpson Trial". } } Not only are the ratings high for this one, but it is cheap for the } network to produce: A small ensemble cast (though some are reported to } be rather well paid), very few location shots, and only one camera. } When you add to that the numerous commercial breaks, spinoffs and } cross-pollination, and huge merchandising opporunities, there's no way } to lose. } } You owe the Oracle back royalties for "The Weather".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh marveled Oracle, whose brevity is able to out-brief all others: > > Once, long ago, you proclaimed brevity in the answers to the questions > brought to you. Your orders still to this day denounce the use of > overly long answers. Yet these days answers have been long tirades of > information that mask the true answers to the questions being asked. > Has the great Oracle forgotten that longer is not necessarily better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } You owe the Oracle, however, a little leeway in making the fee for } answering this question a little lengthy, if the Oracle should find } it necessary.  After all, giving things to Oracles is a long and } distinguished tradition.  I remember back in the old days when my } colleague at Delphi conned a certain king of Lydia into giving all } sorts of treasures and wealth in exchange for the wonderfully ambiguous } prophecy, "If you attack Persia, a great empire will be destroyed." } That's classic.  Expensive, without being the least bit helpful. } My answers, on the other hand, are an absolute bargain by contrast, } they being both the sort of knowledge that you need to conduct your } mortal existence, and are succint and truthful.  If you want brevity, } you have to be willing to pay for it.  Most Supplicants seem to be } willing to do so.  If you're one of that camp, then I believe we } can do business.  Other Supplicans, however, never bother to ever } produce the things which the Oracle demands of them in compensation } for My services.  And when this happens it just throws the entire } Oracular system off balance.  This, therefore, is why it's necessary } to sit down like this and explain why the Oracle demands the things } that it does.  We're not a non-profit institution here, after all. } We have bills to pay, just like anyone else.  Oh, sure, I could just } *ZOT* the IRS and the cashier at the WaWa Food Market, but that doesn't } appeal to my acute Oracular sense of justice.  There, I've hit the } nail on the head: justice.  This is the basis of paying the Oracle. } It's only fair, after all.  The barter system seems to work out here } in Indiana, the supplicant probably wasn't doing anything important } with the fair maiden or Schrodinger's Cat or the thousand blonde } jokes anyhow, so everybody's happy.  I hope I'm clear on this.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most great and magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom > shines through the net like a laser through soft > butter, please give me an answer to this question, > which has piqued my curiosity for weeks on end. > > The local water company is re-lining the water pipes > along our street.  Before they commenced this > operation, they painted all sorts of markings on > the roadway.  There are dashed lines in different > colors (yellow, blue, and green), going hither > and thither, and all the manhole covers are painted > in these same colors.  Even more mysterious, in > several places, the following appears (in white > paint): > >      ^ >      | >      | >   MISS U >    SPIN >      | >      | >      V > > At one end of the road, also in white paint, is > the word "LOOP". > > The word "SPIN" is also painted in orange on the > back of the road construction signs, and is > engraved on the steel boilerplates that they use > to cover the pits in the roadway when they aren't > working in them. > > Please tell me, great Oracle:  what is the meaning > of these markings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little known to most people, and certainly, dear supplicant, not to } yourself, it seems, the pipes in your area do not need re-lining.  In } fact, the water company is not even attempting to re-line them!  What } they *are* doing is playing an over-sized board game. } } The different colours are coded to indicate areas within which they } must move, and actions that must be performed when in the area, rather } like the scoring system for Scrabble. } } The game's rules are arcane and obscure, and cannot be understood by } mortals not initiated into the sacred order of The Water Bearer. } However, a simple explanation will probably suffice:  the object of } the exercise is to move around the chosen neighbourhood, inflicting as } much inconvenience to the residents as possible.  The form of } inconvenience to be inflicted is determined by the predominant colour } of the lines outside their residence.  For instance, the poor fools } with a blue dotted line outside their house will have the water } company's hoards trying to give them cold showers for duration of the } game. } } The man-holes serve a similar purpose as do snakes in the common board } game "Snakes and Ladders", except that landing on one is an advantage, } rather than a disadvantage as you might expect.  Any participant in } the game who lands on one must enter there, and is allowed free reign } over any water pipes in the immediate vicinity for a period determined } by his or her current ranking in the game. } } The "Miss U Spin" sign that caught your attention is one of the more } interesting aspects to the game.  If a player fails to complete an } assignment on a residence (eg. give the residents cold showers), then } that player is deemed to have "missed" their assignment, and must } "spin" the "Stop"/"Slow" sign until someone else fails a mission. } This obviously disadvantages that player, since it prevents them from } scoring any further points during the game.  It also explains why the } people on the signs always seem so anxious to get off sign duty. } } I hope that this satiates your curiousity, supplicant, and provides } you with the understanding you will need to endure the next few weeks } of interrupted water supplies. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Coke.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do salmon do the rest of the year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at the diary of a typical } salmon: } } | May 8, 1995 } | } | 6:00.  Woke up. } | } | 6:32.  Saw fly.  Pursued. } | } | 6:34.  Caught fly.  Delicious. } | } | 7:25.  Saw 3 tadpoles.  Pursued.  Caught 2.  Delicious. } | } | 8:31.  Chased another salmon out of my territory. } | } | 9:25.  Saw fly.  Pursued. } | } | 9:26.  Jumped for fly.  Missed. } | } | 9:28.  Pursued fly some more, but it got away. } | } | 10:35. Saw swarm of gnats.  Ignored - too small. } | } | 10:53. Saw orange butterfly.  Ignored.  They taste nasty. } | } | 11:41. Saw fly floating on water.  Ate. } | } | 11:41:05.  OUCH!  There's a great big metal hook stuck in } | my lip, and it's pulling me upstream. } | } | 11:46. Fought against the hook for 5 minutes.  Got bashed } | against a sharp rock (ouch!) but then the hook stopped } | trying to pull me. } | } | 1:18.  I still haven't figured out how to get this *$*#&$ } | hook out of my lip.  And I'm getting hungry. } | } | 3:35.  Bear tried to catch me.  Near miss - left ventral } | fin torn by its claws.  Whew. } | } | 4:20.  Saw fly floating on water.  Ate. } } The diary entry ends there, but I think you get the gist of } it. } } You owe the Oracle a historical novel based on the life of } a salmon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent and exalted supremo of sagacity, >       do birds ever suffer from fear of heights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but they only really notice when they're over top of your car. } } You owe the Oracle a bungee-jumping lesson and some Turtle Wax.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see you're a student of the Joel K. Furr school of Oracularities! } You've been reading his posts on rec.humor.oracle.d, haven't you? } } Joel [bellowing at the top of his lungs^H^H^H^H^H keyboard]: }   Don't you *dare* do an "Ask Me"!  It shouldn't be allowed!! } } Errant Supplicant [E.S.]:  But sir,... } } Joel:  !@#$^@% !!  Don't "But" me.  Don't you hear??  I'm IMPORTANT. }   What I say should be LAW.  No more "Ask Me"s! } } E.S. :  But I didn't have a question to ask, but I felt the divine }   inspiration of the Oracle prodding me to help other seekers! } } Joel [taking the Lord's name in vain for the umpteenth time]: }   @#$()!% I don't care whose inspiration you felt!  You do not }   have *my* permission to help anyone.  If you want to help, you }   must also ask a  !@#)^(@$# question!  Period. } } E.S.:  But what about those times that I've submitted a question and }   couldn't answer a question that I got back?  If I let it go back }   into the queue, it would fill up if no one did "Ask Me's" } } Joel [roaring]: That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.  You *must* answer every }   question that you get.  And do a good job of it.  My answers are }   always perfect!  All my answers make the Oracularities.  ONLY }   my answers make the Oracularities!  *I'm* always perfect!!  You }   must strive to be like me!  !@#$&*%@$ !! } } E.S.:  But, sir.  My answers as in Incarnation have been in the }   Oracularities, too.  In fact, one was just in last week... } } Joel:  IMPOSSIBLE!!  People who do "Ask Me"'s aren't good enough }   to make the Oracularities.  I say so!!  I'm the one who controls }   the Oracle.  He's but a mere pawn to me.  I'm *omniscient*!  I'm }   *omnipotent*!  I'm... I'm omni... uh, I'm *omnivorous*!! } } E.S.:  But what about Steve Kinz... } } Joel:  Enough!!!  You *will* submit a "Tell Me" not an "Ask Me". }   I don't want to hear another !$#$&%@ word about it.  Just submit }   a question and do it NOW!! } } E.S.:  Fine.  Just fine.  Yes, sir.  I'll do that... } } E.S. [muttering quietly to himself] :  Yes, I'll submit a question }   containing the entire contents of Joel's brain!  Let's see... } }    Mail To: Oracle@cs.indiana.edu }    Subject: Tell Me } }    [EOB] } }  <submit>