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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mare's eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.  A kid'll > eat ivy, too, won't you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isn't that "wouldn't you?" } } That's okay.  It's a cool song. } } I wouldn't eat ivy if given a choice.  Sorry. } } You owe the oracle the lyrics to "Moonlight Bay."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I do indeed think electronic invisible ink is a good idea.  All you } need to do is invent one of those little pens to rub across it to make } it show up.  Good luck!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HOW DO i GET RID OF ALL THESE CAPITAL LETTERS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Press the "Caps Lock" key, JUST ONCE LIKE THAT. } } You owe the oracle a Dvorak keyboard. } } PS, DON'T SHOUT!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can a computer get stoned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but it takes two or three tabs of high-quality LCD.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is full of eels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ernie the Eel-swallower. } } "There's something about eeling, }  It gives me such a feeling, }  It just leaves me reeling, }  Oh, the art of eeling." } } You owe the oracle a decent singing voice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A mortal's curiosity begs a question from the all-seeing Oracle:  Are > you related to Ann Landers or Abigail Van Buren?  Are they Oracles too? > If so, do you guys ever get together and go out and do things, or > recollect over old times?  And how come you don't mail out little > booklets like "Everything you need to know about Teen Sex"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abby van Buren is my great-uncle's stepsister, but it's not worth } mentioning.  Ann Landers is too surreal to be a relative of anyone, much } less of me.  I rarely have anything to do with either of them.  I mail } out booklets about: } - How to order little Oracle booklets } - Where to find lost objects } - The best and worst restaurants in New Yrok Sity } - How to recognize the signs of beet addiction } - Guide to Soap Operas about Badgers } - When your goldfish is not getting enough sex: crisis in a fishbowl } - How to grow marijuana in Petri dishes } - Angst, Free-Floating Anxiety, Depression, and Other Good Christmas }   Presents } - Seven Last Words of Dan Quayle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Most Oracle-Like Unit of Existance, > O, Most All-Knowing of Pundits, > O, Most High and Interesting One, > O, Originator of Poetry and Pummeler of Idiots, > Tell Me This: > >       If the Oracle is all-knowing, >       Why do you take so long to answer my questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mens longa, maila brevis } } (The mind is enduring, but the mail daemon is down pretty often.) } } You owe the Oracle the first day of spring.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where the hell did I put my keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me check. } } [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@.  ring ...  ring ...  ri] } } Hell Operator:  yeah, mucus pod, whaddya want? } } Oracle:  Lost and Found, please } } HO:  You'll never find it!  It's gone forever!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  I'll } connect you, eel face, and I'll listen in just for giggles!  hee hee hee } hee! } } [ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ] } } Barfiel:  Division of Lost Souls, Barfiel speaking, how may we ...  er } ...  assist you? } } O:  The Hell Operator has screwed up.  I was asking for Lost+Found. } } B:  Aieeee!  The Hell Operator!!!  I kill the Hell Operator!!!!  very } soon!!  much agony!!!!!!!  But now I transfer you, fool of a mortal!! } Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! } } [ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...] } } Kazusnutiel:  Lost and Found, what may I lose for you? } } O:  Where are xxxxxxx@xxxx.xxxx.xx.xxx's keys? } } K:  Keys!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  That pitiful worm should be } *glad* that all we have are his keys!  We'll get his soul soon, just you } wait and see!  Ha ha ha haha ha haha ha haha ha ha!  And we'll *never* } let it go!  It'll stew in our waiting room forever!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha } ha ha ha ha! } } O:  Just tell me where the keys are, please. } } K:  He'll *never* find them!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Never, } never!  We took those keys and tore them to little bitty shreds and } scattered them in the river of pitch of the fifth Bolgia of Malebolge, } where the dead souls of grafters will fight endlessly over them!  Ha ha } ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! } } O:  No, you didn't.  Where are they? } } K:  Arrh!  You loathly swine-wasp!  All right!  We took those keys and } froze them in the ice right next to the feet of Satan Merkratrig! } } O:  No, you didn't.  Where are they? } } K:  All right, all right.  Just you wait 'tlll *you* get lost, and we'll } see who believes who!  They're in the slush of the third circle, under } the wraith of Luigi "Lotsa Bananas" Marcchatione, a petty mobster who } died of a surfeit of ice cream in 1933.  I'll have them sent up to you } -- stinking of the slush of Hell, damn you!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha } ha! } } O:  Thank you for your kind assistance. } } K:  Take your thanks and cram them up your throat, you stinking pool of } badger shit! } } [click] } } You owe the Oracle the long-distance phone charges.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It sure gets boring on the BITNET lists around Christmas.  What's going > on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Tis the season to be merry }    lah di dah di ha ha ha and hullabaloo! } Yo!  What's up with pickled cherry? }    lah di dah di poo boo bah and half a screw! } Send we now UNSUB to LISTSERV }    lah di dah, lah di dah, VM2 } So that we can unscrub whiskers }    lah di dah di dah di dah, oooh oooh ooooh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where ever I live my home quickly fills up with fishes.  Last week I > move.  Today I come home from church and I find thirty two sick trout on > my couch.  Quick quick I put them in water, but still they die.  Where > come from all these fishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is no doubt an attempt by Richard Sexton to convince you of the } necessity of reading sci.aquaria.  He seems to feel that if you read } this group, you would know what to do with the fish.  Your recommended } course of action is (1) inform Mr.  Sexton how bogus sci.aquaria is or } (2) get use to having freshwater fish for dinner. } } A third but somewhat less desirable action is to convert your living } room into a huge aquarium. } } A fourth option is to stop going to church.