Goto:

784, 784-01, 784-02, 784-03, 784-04, 784-05, 784-06, 784-07, 784-08, 784-09, 784-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you, wise Oracle, who can be simultaneously > at one billion places, and who lives in a > 92551878-dimensional space (at least), > I have a big problem. > > Our teacher want us to follow a lot of courses, > unfortunately most of them are at the same hour. > And they don't accept us to be absent. > > So, do you know an efficient way to acquire > ubiquity? (Some teleportation would also be > useful) > >    A poor maths student in France.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mais oui, mon ami, c'est une space/time probleme (pardon my French). } } Since the time part seems to be the invariant quantity here, you need } to apply your efforts to the space aspect of the problem. True ubiquity } is a tall order, but you can have at least small parts of you spread } over a wide area. This of course will involve a not inconsiderable } quantity of explosive material, so the Oracle has forwarded your } details to one J. Chirac, Paris. } } You owe the Oracle an atoll in the South Pacific and a small } thermonuclear device.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need an answer quickly......Why did I choose pharmacy as my major?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm... That's a toughie. Let's check the crystal ball.. } } <shakeshake> } REPLY HAZY. } TRY AGAIN }   LATER } } Hmm.. } <shakeshake> } MY SOURCES }   SAY NO } } That's no good, hang on... } <shakeshakeSHAKE> } YOU ARE AN INSANE } IDIOT WHO TRAVELS } THE HIGHWAY OF PAIN. } THE PERIODIC TABLE IS } STAMPED INTO YOUR } BRAIN AND YOUR HIDDEN } LUST FOR THE BITTERSWEET } FRUIT OF KNOWLEDGE OF } ORGANIC CHEMISTRY IS } UNSHAKEABLE. HOWEVER, } YOU WILL LOOK RATHER } SHARP IN YOUR WAL-MART } UNIFORM. PHARMACY'S } HOLD ON YOU IS UNBREAKABLE. } } Unlike this stupid ball... *Crashtinkletinkle* } } You owe the Oracle a new crystal ball. You can have the bits of the old } one.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wondrous Oracle, I just think you're adoracle, > with your biting wit so ephemeral and humor noncalorical . . . > > In what way(s) is the "Krusty the Clown" character > based on David Letterman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } To determine this important fact, we conducted an experiment. We took } Dave Letterman and Krusty the Clown to the top floor of Radio City } Music Hall and threw them off.  Dave made an impressive screaming noise } and suffered what might be termed "catastrophic disassembly" at } "terminal impact" (I helped with the Rogers Commission Report.) Three } and one-half liters of various bodily fluids were collected. Krusty } made his characteristic laugh and a very loud "boing" noise, rebounding } from the pavement and bouncing several times. He then resisted all } attempts at interview and headed across the street to a strip lounge } and consumed a very large amount of alcohol, groping the waitresses and } mumbling little endearments such as "my little bowling ball." } } We concluded the only things Dave and Krusty have in common are their } choice of recreations. } } You owe the Oracle a canned ham.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, might bull whose great mental dung fertilizes the > pastures of knowledge, please tell this humble supplicant.......... > > Less Filling or Tastes Great?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene is the Oracle's living room in the Temple Of New Delphi } (Indiana University Branch).  We see the Oracle lounging in a chair, } watching the Monday Night Game.] } } Lisa:  Why do you even bother, Orrie?  You know who's going to win. } } Orrie: True.  But I kind of get a kick out of watching you mortals kick } the stuffing out of each other. } } Lisa:  Then why don't you watch, ohhhh... professional wrestling or } something? } } Orrie: Heck, you don't have to be the Oracle to know who's going to win } a WWF match!  Anyway, it's just no fun anymore without Andre around. } } [On the TV screen, you see a average sports bar.  Well, average except } for the fact that THIS sports bar is overflowing with gorgeous women } and the bar's inhabitents are split into two seperate camps: One } shouting "Tastes Great!", the other scream "Less Filling!"] } } Orrie: Didn't I *ZOT* this entire line of commercials a few years back? } } Lisa:  Wasn't that the Mento's commercials? } } Orrie: Mento's?  Oh, yeah.  I remember that smiling idiot and his mute } friends!  Nah, I lobotomized the lot of them and made them Microsoft } Vice-Presidents. } } [Lisa shivers at the thought] } } Orrie: (smiling wickedly) THAT'LL teach 'em.  ["Tastes Great!" "Less } Filling!"] Oh my, now, what should I do with these dingbats? } } Lisa:  Why don't you just answer their question, dear? } } Orrie: Seems reasonable. } } [A flash of light, and The Oracle appears in the middle of the } commerical] } } CROWD: TASTES GREAT!  LESS FILL..uh... } } JOCK: Who are you? } } Orrie: I'm the Usenet Oracle.  Holder of Knowledge.  Possessor of the } cup of Truth.  Etc. Etc.  Anyway, I'm here to answer your question. } } JOCK: Oh, um, okay.  [Offers TUO a beer.  Orrie takes a sip.] } } Orrie: Hmmm...tastes like Horse Urine. } } JOCK #2:  Oh, how would YOU know?  Do you DRINK horse urine?  Hah } haOUCH! [The Oracle, with a glance, *ZOT*'s the offending Jock.] } } Orrie: I'm the Oracle.  I just KNOW.  [Overhead, the words "TASTES } GREAT!" are magically crossed out.  Orrie takes another sip.]  Hmmm.. } does anybody here REALLY want to know what the calorie content of this } beer is? [All the bar patrons look up into the sky and start to whistle } innocently.] That's what I thought. [The words "LESS FILLING!" get } crossed out as well.] } } [In another flash of light, The Oracle appears back on his chair.] } } Oracle:  I guess the answer was "None Of The Above". } } You owe the Oracle some non-alcoholic beer.  They're great to kill } weeds with.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Wonderous Almighty One! (Who would probably make a d*mn good > DJ!) > > I need your expert advice. > > I am a DJ, and am currently having trouble putting my playlist together > for my next show.  Could you please give me some suggestions for love > songs in any format?  Also, is there any way for me to encourage > call-ins more than what i am doing? > > I appreciate your counsel, O Wise one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dee-gaw, Supplicant!  Considering that there are more love songs than } positive integers, the Usenet Oracle is a little surprised by your case } of "spinner's block."  But, I guarantee your call-ins will increase } exponentially by the time you reach the end of this playlist: } }              <Baby Strange>                     T. Rex }              <88 Lines About 44 Women>          The Nails }              <Funtime>                          Iggy Pop }              <Try It>                           The Standells }              <My Wife and My Dead Wife>         Robyn Hitchcock }              <I Want to Play with Your Poodle>  Lightnin' Hopkins }              <SLUT>                             Todd Rundgren }              <Hot Pool of Womanneed>            The Cramps } } There are several more general things you can do to increase listener } response to your radio program, as well: } } 1.   Hire a sidekick.  Vaguely memorable, moderately successful and } marginally talented former child performers are best.  Give } preferential hiring consideration to those who have completed rehab for } addictions of any sort. } } 2.   Make puerile, bombastic and/or possibly slanderous comments.  Make } them often.  Direct them at public figures.  Dedicate a song from the } playlist to Anita Bryant.  Or Kathy Lee Gifford. } } 3.   Have a Burt Bacharach marathon. } } 4.   Contests. The teeming masses love 'em!  Nothing clogs the phone } lines like a freebie. } } Mix and match these techniques for maximum effectiveness. Announce that } you're broadcasting with no pants on in honor of the papal visit, and } offer $100 to the ninth caller who correctly guesses the color of your } underwear and the number of days since your sidekick's last bender. } } You owe The Oracle every issue of *Trouser Press,* and the complete } works of Greil Marcus and Peter Guralnick.  Or a 1961 Fender Jaguar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, thou who cannot be adequately described > even with ridiculous superlatives, I beg your indulgence and ask that > you supply me with an answer to this admittedly adult-oriented > question: > > I have been informed that "all we are is dust in the wind."  If this is > truly the case, why haven't I been blown lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You haven't asked.  Just walk up to the blower of your choice.  If you } want him/her to blow you UP, simply strap a few sticks of dynamite to } your chest and hand over the plunger.  If you want him/her to blow you } OFF, simply ask the same question you just asked me.  If you want to be } blown DOWN, I'm afraid you're out of luck.  The big bad wolf is on } vacation. } } You owe the oracle a chance to use this in a conversation without } getting slapped.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I beg of You, an answer to this question > The answer would be unto me, a pillow I could rest on > I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, because of this conundrum > My life, once rich, is now reduced to neverending humdrum > > So vexing is my problem, and so dire is my plight > That I now turn to USENET, in hope of finding Light > "The Oracle will know" they say, and send me on my way > I come to you, my hopes are high, Oh! will this be the day? > > Now to the point, I cannot lie, though I may quake with fear > 'Tis said the Oracle does hate this question that I bear > But I will state my question, and then hastily I'll duck > So, if a woodchuck did chuck wood, then how much would it chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As for the pillow you seek for your sleepy head, } many have searched all through their bed, } But the pillow you seek is not for sleep, } It is for comfort because you're in too deep. } The pillow you seek is within your mind, } the question to ask is "what is my bind"? } When you have figured this out then look within, } because the pillow you seek has ALWAYS there been. } } The woodchuck riddle has been long a long time in query, } To have the answer would make many merry. } But since each woodchuck is as varied as you and I, } to give you an answer would just be a lie. } So, until we can talk to the woodchucks many, } the answer to this is "there can't be any".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh <press ENTER> wise and mighty: Oracle <C> who knows all, sees all > and tells all <C?> Y ,who can predict the Superbowl scores weeks in > advance <C?> Y , who is really neat <C?> Y ,who is the epitome of > fashion long before it shows up in Playboy <C?> , who is really neat > <C?> N ; AUTOGROVEL terminated; >   I have written a really cool piece of software, the nature of which I > naturally can't reveal, but lots of people will find it handy.  The > question is, should I try to market it commercially, release it as > shareware, or just make it freeware as a gesture of humanitarian good > will?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to O.A.R.S., the Oracular Answer and Response System. Enter } file pathname: } >oracle_stuff/questions/unanswered/software_question } } Analyzing... } Please enter five adjectives: } >sexy, disco-influenced, delusional, Dick Cavett-like, mucous } } Enter a verb (past tense): } >ignored } } Enter a number: } >googolplex } } Enter a plural noun: } >rutabagas } } Enter a verb (present tense): } >zot } } Enter the plural name of a small, undesirable creature: } >marmots } } Enter the name of a famous control-freak: } >Joel Furr } } Processing... } Parser Error #404: "mucous" is a noun. } >No. "Mucus" is noun. "Mucous" is an adjective. } } Oh, you're right. Sorry about that... } Processing complete: } } First of all, thank you for your SEXY grovel. I have IGNORED your } question deeply, and have come to the following DISCO-INFLUENCED } conclusion. You should definitely release it as "DELUSIONAL-ware". } Users try out your software for free for a short period of time, say } GOOGOLPLEX days. If they think it's DICK CAVETT-LIKE, they register it } by sending you a lot of RUTABAGAS. } } Remember to beta-ZOT it thoroughly, to work out all of the MARMOTS. } While you may not become as rich as Microsoft's JOEL FURR, you should } at least be able to afford a new MUCOUS drive for your computer. } } You owe the Oracle a book of Mad Libs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello! > > We have an Elite 600 printer, and we need a new toner cartridge for > it. What is the specific type of cartridge that this printer uses? > > Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, piece of cake.  Here's what you want to do. } } Go down to your local Byte Shop, CompUSA, Computer City, or whatever } you have in your area.  Tell them you want a ribbon for an Epson FX-80. } I know, I KNOW, but trust me on this one, I'm trying to save you some } money here. } } Get the ribbon back to your printer.  Open up the toner cartridge, and } the ribbon cartridge.  While wearing your best clothes, swap the } contents of one with the other.  You see, the inside of your toner } cartridge originally looked just like the stuff inside the Epson ribbon } cartridge, but with use the fibers have broken down and it has become } granular, or in severe cases, powdery.  You need to restore these } fibers into the toner cartridge, or it will need total replacement, and } soon. } } So, dump out the old, granular contents of the toner cartridge.  Don't } worry about spillage, just dump it on your desk - it's good for the } finish.  Now, firmly grasp a section of the ribbon in the Epson } cartridge, and pull it with great vigor and enthusiasm.  The ribbon } should easily seperate from the cartridge. } } At this point, trim the ribbon pack if it is too large to fit into the } toner cartridge, using standard desk-grade scissors.  Place the ribbon } into the toner cartridge, and close the lid.  An adhesive might be } advisable at this point. } } Replace the toner cartridge into your printer at this point, and send } the printer a document.  You won't BELIEVE the change in performance! } } You owe the Oracle a fax/modem/copier/scanner.  That does PostScript } <tm>.  In color.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is international ISDN (as specified in ITU-T Recommendation G.961, > etc.) different from US national ISDN (as specified in Bellcore > TR-397)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, I'm glad you asked that question! } } It just so happens that last night I was reading up on ISDN.  The } Oracle has always been interested in its origins.  The American Society } of Donut Nibblers (ASDN) was founded by Irma Shipley in 1934.  She } founded Shipley's Donuts in Waxahachie, TX, two years later.  She wrote } the Bellcore TR-390 book which is the founding literature for all donut } makers and is still regarded to be the most detailed process in which } to make donuts.  A few years later, William Lender, a prominent } businessman who built an empire successfully on nasty, stale bagels, } thought he could capitalize on Ms. Shipley's success.  So he formed the } International Society of Donut Nibblers (ISDN) and wrote a synopsis of } his donut experiences, the International Trade Union-Talk magazine } article entitled Recommendation G.961.  G.961 was his code name for an } evil plot to take over the world's donut manufacturers and rule the } donut world.  Unfortunately, the ISDN standards were way to lax for } American's to put up with, so Emma Shipley, Irma's daughter, sought to } rewrite the donut nibbling laws and entitled it United States } Independent Society of Donut Nibblers, which was published by Bellcore, } publication number TR-397.  Hope this helps your donut experiences more } gratifying. } } You owe the Oracle an Entenmann's chocolate dipped donut and a glass of } 2% milk.